Accepting My Story

I had a great conversation with a dear college friend yesterday.  She had some wonderful news to share with me.  As she was talking, though, I found myself growing bitter.  You know, the kind of bitter that smiles and says, "Wow!  That is so wonderful for you." and thinks, "Where's MY charmed life?"  Obviously, things were seriously skewed in my mind.  Things have not always been smooth for my friend. She has had her bright and dark moments.  Through the good, bad and ugly, she has followed hard after Christ.  He has her heart and she is committed to Him.  This commitment makes her a fantastic wife, mom and Christian.  Her commitment to the heart of God led her and her husband to Nepal to adopt their son...even though the Country was in the middle of political strife and they had to pass through armed guards to get to their child.  Oh yeah, and all transportation workers were on strike the whole time.  Sounds charmed, doesn't it? :)
This friend was very gracious as I lamented over the hardships of the past year.  As I whined about our adoption woes and our tornado and anything else I could think of...she listened.  I complained about how rotten it felt to open your heart up and say, "Yes, Lord!" and find that the path is filled with difficulty.  Why is our path so hard and others seem to have an easy road?  Why do we keep hitting obstacles and others seem to flawlessly walk the path God lays out.  And seriously...WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE????
And then she said something that stopped me in my tracks.

"It's not a race, girl"  "You're not in a competition with other Christ followers."

Wait!  That is so true.  I am not in a race toward adoption against other believers.  I'm not in a competition to have the best story when we're sitting around the campfire with Jesus.  This is my story....that is theirs.  My story will be filled with God's direction. (leading me out of my bad choices and toward my amazing husband).  My story will be filled with God's beauty. (creating four beautiful babies with said husband).  My story will be filled with God's grace. (the wonderful family and friends we have).  My story will be filled with God's protection. (as our house came apart around us and God's hands were over us...holding us inside the building and keeping us alive)  And my story will be filled with God's refinement.  Every day He is trying to mold me into something that resembles my Savior.  And God is very persistent.  I'm pretty sure that my brand of clay is very difficult to mold.
Today, I will try to accept my story.  It might not always be a smooth one and I might fall along the way.  But it is a God story.  However it turns out...with a China adoption, or an adoption out of foster care...or (gasp) both!  God will be in it and my story will be His story.  That is a story I can accept!

The day after Christmas...

I fell in love with my kids all over again yesterday.  Christmas was wonderful!  My favorite part of the morning was watching them unwrap presents they had lovingly chosen for each other.  It truly is more blessed to give than receive.  As each boy announced the gift they were about to open was from D-Dog, D would loudly proclaim, "YOU ARE TOTALLY WELCOME!  You're gonna love it!"  Never mind that it cost a dollar at Dollar General.  Children really do have such an advantage over us sometimes.  It was so much fun as a mom to sit back and just enjoy each thing about my children.  I loved watching the sweet way that Z would smile and go overboard thanking everyone.  I laughed at D-Dog announcing each present with the toy microphone he got.  I saw my sweet little B holding his new stuffed animal with such care and pride.  And I saw the spark in Noodle's eye as he opened his ripstick.  "I WILL CONQUER THIS!" was written on his face.  And by evening...he had conquered it! :)
I sat back and enjoyed each child.  I thought about what a crazy year it has been for them.  I thought about how Christmas isn't about going into debt to buy the latest and greatest techno gadget.  It is about love.  It is about Jesus and it is about giving of yourself.
The wrapping paper and empty boxes have been hauled away by the garbage company.  The bullets from the nerf war are stuck all over my house.  And I am one of the most fortunate women on the face of the Earth.
I hope you were able to sit back and reflect on how much God adores you this Christmas.  In the same way that I sat back and enjoyed each one of my children, He watches over us with even more love and affection.  My goal during the next year is to try and show that kind of love to everyone around me. :)

I'll take Grace with a side of Mercy, please!

I hit my husband's car last night.  Yes!  It is the first accident for me.  And sadly, it involved both of our cars.  I backed out (completely forgot his car was there) and swiped the side.  I scraped and dented the back of the van and the front of his car.  I ripped off his side mirror and broke my taillight cover.  After he got over his shock, you know what he said?  "I'm just glad you weren't in a bad accident.  This, we can handle."  I have to admit that I felt terrible about messing up our cars (for which we only carry liability...yikes!)  But, I was overwhelmed at the grace and love he showed me afterwards.  He is now the proud owner of a duct taped side mirror.  And he is freezing his butt off now fixing my taillight.  In the middle of my post-accident hysterics, I almost said, "well, looks like we're going to have to get that 15 seat van now."  Something tells me it was smart to keep that joke to myself!
This is a season of amazing grace.  God became a human to extend grace in its purest and most generous form.  Because I accepted this gift, my life will forever be changed!  Friends extend grace to me on a daily basis.  I know I'm not always easy to love.  When I don't return that call, or that text, or that smile.  I know that the people that keep trying are showing me a grace I don't deserve.  Everyone involved in the adoption process has surely shown me grace since I haven't seen any restraining orders out against me.  I've nearly driven my social workers crazy! :)
Today it was my turn.  Today I braided sweet blonde hair.  And thank goodness she was only 4 and had no idea that I can't braid to save my life.  Today I snuggled six different kids throughout the day.  Today I heard stories and held hands and fed children that were born to me and children that were not.  Today, I had the amazing honor of comforting a sweet little girl as she had blood drawn.  This little one is an innocent victim of the sins of the world and I got to be a mama to her today.  It grew my heart, it was hard work and it scared the crap out of me.  What if God puts this on my plate for good?  Can I do it?  Will I always be exhausted?  Do I have the capacity to love six little people?  Or will I say "yes" and the door to this will close?  Will I still end up on a plane to China in a few months?  I don't know any of the answers.  And to be honest with you...I've stopped asking these questions of God.   This morning as I got ready for the day, I prayed, "Lord, let me love like crazy today.  Whatever happens, let me show your grace and your love."  I now know that I don't need to ask for a specific outcome.  If I open my hands, God will fill them the way he wants.  I trust that!  I'm still trembling a little at the unknown.  But, I trust Him.
Merry Christmas, my dear friends.  May you be surrounded by love and grace during this beautiful season!

This message brought to you by Scrooge...:)

Navigating traffic at the mall
A bumpy camel ride toward Bethlehem
Waiting to get the perfect gift you asked your spouse to get you
Waiting for the only gift that can secure your place in Heaven
A million lights on and around the house
A dark smelly barn and a feeding trough
Surrounded by family and friends
Surrounded by Angels
A huge debt to Visa
A debt wiped out by God
"Me, Me, Me"
"Them, Them, Them"

I've finally put my finger on the exact struggle in my heart.  There are two Christmases going on simultaneously.  One is consumer driven and all about my happiness.  The other one is swelling my heart toward greater purpose.  How do we balance them both?  How can two completely different stories reside in the same book?  Or....are we expected to refuse one and embrace the other?  Heavy thoughts for a Monday morning.  And I don't have the answers.  I really want to hear what my friends have to say.  I'm looking for feedback.  How do you, my wonderful friends, balance this?  I'm really struggling this year.

The Messy Ones...

The other night, hubby and I were feeling especially heavy hearted about little ones without families.  You see, we actually have a couple of options before us on this journey of redemption.  Both are tugging equally at our hearts.  Either story would consume our time, love, and energy.  As we wait on the Lord to speak his plan into our hearts, we are prayerful and humbled.  One evening this week, hubby and I were especially broken.  When he got home from work late, we sat together and prayed over these small children.  God loves them so much.  He has amazing plans for their lives.  In a way, you could say we "put the fleece out".  Just like the story of Gideon, we prayed and asked God to make himself clear to us.  We put before him our China adoption and the other situation that has presented itself.  We asked God to show us which path he wanted us to walk down.  It was such a great time of prayer.  I felt so connected to my husband and so connected to our Father.  We are very careful not to test God.  We know that faith means walking forward when you don't have all of the answers.  But, we earnestly wanted God to show us how to move forward.
The next day, I got some INCREDIBLE news about our Homestudy.  We're still waiting on the birth record issue with hubby.  But, we will have an answer by next week on that one too.  But, something happened with the other opportunity as well and my heart was once again on this story.  When hubby got home last night, I told him all that had transpired.  Then came the next statement. "ummmmmmm, what if God asks us to do both?"  I will say that for that to happen, God will have to park at least a 10 passenger van outside my house.
I could hear the words..."to whom much is given, much is expected."
What would that look like?  My parents would flip! :)  I'm not saying it will happen.  We're praying for God's will in it.
Can you imagine, though?  Loud dinner times, forever cooking, never-ending laundry, all of those people to bathe. No one would ever invite us over again.  We'd be the ones with the messy hair, the messy house, the messy car.  I already feel like it is a struggle to get things done around here.  My desire to present the picture that we've got it all together would be futile.  Everyone would see us as a MESS!  But, would they see Jesus in us?  Because at the end of the day, that is all that matters.

By Faith...

It has been my experience during my walk with Christ that He is very clear.  I can usually discern His direction for me based on doors opening and closing.  That is a very "churchy" way of saying that "if it don't come easy...let it go!"  If it is the right move, everything will fall into place and I'll just know.  Now, I'm not sure if that is sound theology.  But, I've often used that as a way to know if something was God's will or not.  (in addition to the Bible and prayer).
In the past year, that way of thinking has been tested and challenged.
We started the process of adoption over a year ago.  We went in with big eyes and nervous hearts.  We weren't really sure how this would all work out.  We wore our "FAITH" tee-shirts very proudly.  It felt great to say...we just trust God that this will work out.
Unfortunately, when we started this process, we "thought" we knew how it would go.  We had certain expectations...a timeline, even.
If you have followed this at all, you know that it has been a difficult and painful journey.  Sometimes, I catch myself thinking, "why are we doing this?"  And I can often read the minds of people around us! "Wow!  Those people are crazy.  Why do they keep pursuing something that is this difficult?"  "They sure have hit a lot of obstacles.  Maybe they should give up.  It obviously isn't God's plan."  Yeah!  I've actually heard that one lately.  But, here is where the rubber meets the road in my faith.  I'm going on record and saying that my faith is different.  Thanks to Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith...I have a different brand of faith.  It is not circumstantial and it sure isn't easily defeated.  I sat down with my Bible this morning and I felt prompted to go back and read the "Hall of Faith" verses in Hebrews 11.  Guess what I didn't find in there.  I didn't find any stories of great faith where "all the doors opened and it was easy."  I didn't find any stories of comfort and security.  I didn't find any stories where the people involved knew what the outcome would be as they walked the road of faith.  What do they all have in common?  They had to trust God when they couldn't see what was ahead.  And some of them never even saw the results of their faithfulness.  Many times their actions didn't make sense to others.  Can we all give Noah a high-five for that one.  They wandered into foreign places without security.  What's up, Abraham?  One of them built a bonfire to roast their own son on...Abraham...not exactly father of the year!  And be honest, who wouldn't have packed up their lawn chairs and gone to watch the marching band take down Jericho with their instruments?
The truth is, we LOVE these stories.  We're just discouraged when we're asked to live them.  I've whined enough to make God cringe.  "God, don't you looooooovvvveee me?  Why are you making this so hard????"
The truth is:  God is building my faith.  He is making me someone that is worthy to show up in Hebrews 11.  I may never see this story play out to the end, but I'll be part of it.  My favorite verse in this entire story is Hebrews 11: 16b  "Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God."
I believe God will work this story out the way he wants.  And it will be the way that glorifies him the most.  Right now we are not even sure the Chinese government will authenticate hubby's birth record because he was born in Taiwan.  The option to adopt from China might close right before our eyes.  But, I am not discouraged.  I am not swayed.  When we started this journey, we said, "Ok, God.  We'll say yes.  You say WHO."  We'll continue to wait on Him to show us the "who" and while we're doing it, we'll do our best (with a huge dose of God's help) to make sure that God is not ashamed to be called our God."

The pile of hair on the floor...

Well, in a moment of complete craziness and spontaneity, I had all of my hair cut off.  Ok...so it wasn't really ALL of my hair...just most of it.  And it feels ahhhmazzing!  I was sitting next to a friend last night while watching "Twilight...Breaking Dawn" when one of the characters came on screen.  "You look like her," my friend said.  "I look like a vampire?" I asked.  "No, if you had her hair, you'd look exactly like her." my friend replied.  I have to admit.  The very moment I saw her hair, I knew it would be mine.  I mean, I LOVED it.  I am quite aware that here in the good ole' Midwest (a small town, nonetheless) my hair will not be a welcome change.  I could almost feel the stares of people everywhere today.  Too edgy, they must be thinking.  (Or, I'm just paranoid!)  Either way, I love it.  I hope it turns out tomorrow when I don't have my dear Allison styling it. :)  Please send all encouraging comments straight to my Facebook page and please send all negative comments somewhere else. haha.
I told you I'm radical...
But, I wonder as I close out this post...Are you thinking about my hairstyle?  Or are you trying to process the fact that I'm obviously a "Twi-hard"?  hmmmmmm
And the answer to the next obvious question is:
Team Edward, of course!!
Night!!

The inspiration...

Chasing Squirrels...

My dog ran away again today.  He has managed to take the shock three out of the last four days in order to go after a random squirrel in the yard.  Why does he do this?  Is he stupid?  Incredibly tough? Does he like being shocked? Every time I see an oversized rat running through our backyard, I know Toby will take the challenge.  At this point, I would think he might have learned that squirrels are faster.  To date, he's chased hundreds and caught zero.  Give up already!
I chase squirrels.  I mean, not the fluffy tail kind.  I chase the commitment  squirrels.  If you could see me in the backyard of my life, you'd see me constantly out of breath and constantly running after things I'll never catch.  And you'll probably see me chasing after some things that I will catch.
Laundry...It will really never be "caught up"
Ironing...(see laundry)
Cleaning my house...(see laundry and ironing)
Adoption (Big, elusive squirrel!)
Jesus
PTO
Photography
Editing
Pre-school co-op
Taking kids to practices
Cooking
Facebook
Blogging
School holiday parties (I hate you, holiday parties!)
Toby- the runaway dog that i'd love to get rid of but can't because it will traumatize my children.
FRIENDSHIPS
Church responsibilities
My husband (and not in the boom chica wow wow way...more like the "are you home this week???"way)
Christmas shopping...STRESSFUL!!!!!!!
Christmas cookies
Helping my children with their homework
and on and on and on and on!
Do you ever feel like you are spread so thin doing so many things that you're not really doing anything well?  I'm afraid I have that feeling right now.  But, how do you simplify?  No, really!  How do you simplify?
I can't drop the hubby or the kids.  They have to eat and I have to clean up.  I'm halfway up the tree with the adoption, so looks like I can't drop that.  Photography is my outlet, so I'll keep that.   And, Jesus...I can't stop chasing after something that chased so hard after me.  I will always chase after you!
So, sorry Christmas and friends.  You do not make the cut. :)  I guess I don't really mean that.  But, I am going to hermit down a bit.  If I don't stop chasing some squirrels, I'm gonna lose my mind.  So, if you call me in the next few days and I don't answer, I'm either out chasing squirrels, or I've wised up and gone inside to hide under a blanket.  Either way...I'll call you back as soon as I'm able....just keep shaking your tail!

A holly jolly RADICAL Christmas

I've been giving a lot of thought to the following scripture lately.
Matthew 6:24
“No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money."
My constant struggle between the things of this world and the things of eternity rages on.  For so long, I've been able to abide somewhere in the middle of the struggle.  I love God, but I also love "things."  Black Friday brought out some very interesting emotions in me.  I'm not throwing out any judgements here.  I am all for the people out trying to score some deals because they are living within their means and they want to provide some nice gifts under the tree.  I am also completely supportive of the groups of friends or family members that do black friday as an activity that brings them laughter and memories.  Unfortunately, greed is also represented on that day and that is where I have the big problem.  I don't believe that you'll go to a large retail outlet on any other day and expect to see people kicking...yes...kicking their goods down the aisle.  They don't want to grab a cart (couldn't fit one through the aisles anyway) so they grab as many things as their hands can hold and they kick the rest to the checkout lane.  Two years ago, I saw a man kicking a large flat screen tv out through the parking lot.  He was, no doubt, flying high on adrenaline after scoring one of the 3 low priced tvs.  But, how much do you love something if you are kicking it out to the parking lot?
I think the thing that bothered me so much this year is that my eyes have been opened to the severe needs the rest of the world faces on a daily basis.  There are large groups of people struggling to feed their children or procure medicines for them and we are buying crap that we'll throw in a  garage sale in a year.   We line up for hours to buy cheap plastic items, but when we're asked to give money to feed or send children to school, we lower our heads, try not to look anyone in the eye and say..."well, you know...money is really tight this year...the economy and all..."
A fear has been plaguing me lately.  Where do I fall in the scripture i mentioned above?  Do I love God?  Or do I love money and the things money can do for me?  Why do I live in a beautiful home with running water, electricity, tons of food, and medical care five minutes away?
Luke 12:48 is heavy on my heart today.
"From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked."
That's me!  I've been given so much.  I have the truth.  I have had love.  I have had every comfort known to man.  What is my response?
I'm praying about this.  I am trying to continuously thank God for the wonderful comforts I have.  But, I'm also asking what He expects from me.  I want to show His love every day and I want God to know that my decision is easy.  I choose Him.  I don't choose earthly possessions.  I choose Him.  If God asks me to take more children into this home and show them the love that their Heavenly Father has for them, I WILL DO IT!  If He someday asks me to travel to a foreign land and spend the rest of my days showering love on orphans, I WILL DO IT!  This life is short and RADICAL is the only way to live.  
Dad, if you are reading this, breathe into a paper bag.  I won't ask you to babysit a village. :)
So, that's it.  You can agree with me or not.  But, I'm just going to put it out there...Be part of something amazing this Christmas.  Obviously, my heart is burning for the 147 million orphans out there.  Is yours?  Maybe you aren't in the place to bring one home to live with you.  But, if your heart burns for that too, you could help someone else bring an orphan home.  Adoption is a very expensive endeavor.  This is not a shameless plug for money.  I'm just encouraging you to find a way to make a real difference this year...one that will last.  Pray about what God would put in your path and go make a radical difference for someone this year.  I can guarantee that instead of ending up in a yard sale or goodwill, your investment will end up looking for you behind the gates of Heaven.  Have a radical Christmas season!  Love to you all!!
jill

Thanksgiving!

Bad Dog!

So, Toby got out of his underground fence again.  Seriously...this dog is gnawing on my last nerve!  I am so tired of bathing this monstrosity because he got out and rolled in someone's poo.  Hubby and I decided he had to go.  I'm all out of patience for this dog.
On the way home from practice tonight, Hubby dropped the bomb on Z, our oldest.  Z's response?  Tears!  And lots of them.  Hubby tried to reason.  He placed practicality on the table hoping our oldest would see that getting rid of the dog was the best plan.
When Hubby got home and Z was sobbing uncontrollably, I got mad at Hubby for sharing this monumental news before even I was ready.  Truthfully, I had bathed Toby and he was shivering in the basement and looking at me with eyes the size of my house.  Oh man!  Where is that cuteness force field?  I've always been a sucker for the puppy eyes...no matter who displays them.
Z couldn't go to sleep.  He was crying so hard.  We talked to him and told him we wouldn't make any quick decisions or moves.  We'd shelve it and discuss it tomorrow.  As Hubby and I made the rounds tonight to check on all of the kids, we found Z sleeping with his childhood stuffed puppy across his chest.  Ahhh, knife to the heart!  Z shared with us that since the tornado, Toby has made him feel safe.  He reminded us of some pretty big fears he had post-tornado and how Toby sleeping next to his bed made him feel more secure.
So, that's it.  Epic parenting/dog owner fail!  Can we traumatize our child?  I know I don't want to.  But, I'll tell you this:  If we keep this crazy pooch, Z is going to have to take the next bath duty!
My advice to all of you out there...save yourselves the drama...DON'T GET A DOG!!!
* Toby is on the oversized chair next to me in the office curled up and snoring softly.
**I hope to be curled up in bed and snoring softly in about five minutes!
Goodnight!

More Delays...(SIGH!)

If I were to write a book about our adoption, I'm not sure if I would put it in the drama or the humor category.  When we started this process, we were naive.  I'm pretty sure we thought it would all just fall in place.  I mean, how hard is a home study?  You fill out paperwork, get fingerprinted and voila...you have a home study.  I did not count on how many road blocks we would encounter along the way.  I did not count on our home being ripped apart, I did not count on China making a thousand changes.  I didn't expect the million delays we've had along the way.  And while I continue to wait for a State I once worked in to extend child abuse and neglect clearance...I find that we have one more delay to add to the list.  Now, it appears that DCFS has to give a letter of approval for the training we received.  We spent an entire day in classes to receive a Hague accredited certificate for the hours needed for China.  This training is approved through China and our placement agency...but not our State agency.  So, now they are reviewing it and it may take a while before it is approved.  Our home study cannot be submitted until it is approved.

I'm going to be brutally honest.  If we didn't have a picture on our fridge right now of a special needs child from China and a letter of pre-approval from her Country...I would flush this dream down the toilet today. 

This is the most exasperating thing I've ever been a part of.  We started our paperwork in mid-December of 2010.  We are coming up on a year that we've been trying to get a finalized study.  I've prayed, cried, and asked a thousand "whys".  I'll probably never really know the reason for all of this.  Sometimes I just want to scream, "We don't even have to do this!  We could take a vacation or buy a new car."  We're doing it out of love and out of compassion and a desire to follow after God.  But, sometimes following after God is still painful.  I just wrote something for church from the perspective of Mary, the mother of Jesus.  She accepted God's plan and her part in it.  But, it still brought her great pain and discomfort.  Please hear me!  I am NOT comparing myself to Mary!  Haha.  I'm just noting that sometimes following after the heart of God is not easy...it comes with a price.  So, the question I am left with while holding this dream mere inches from the toilet is this:  How much discomfort and pain is it worth to bring an orphan home.  

The answer doesn't flow out of my mouth like it did when we first started this journey.  But, if you listen closely and stand very near, you can hear the words form..."She's worth everything."  So, the journey continues and we power on through the delays.

A day in the life...

Got up early, made hubby's lunch.  Helped Z through a wardrobe crisis.  Walked on eggshells until I could get that crabby boy on the bus.  Watched hubby fly out the door...on to another day of wild work.  Cleaned up the house, the dog ran away, mom called on her way down to the dentist with a tooth emergency.  Talked and prayed with a friend.  The dog is still gone.  I showered and put on the only pair of jeans that fit my butt.  Decided not to bother with the hair.  Really...how many windy days are we going to have?  Made lunch for D-Dog and I.  Edited some pictures, checked email and Facebook.  Left to take D-dog to school...still no dog.  Took hubby's coat to the dry cleaner, looked at goodwill for jeans for Z.  "Please, Jesus!  Help me find some cheap jeans!"  Met up with mom at target.  She is in a ton of pain...on her way to a specialist.  Shopped target, ran to the grocery to buy food for the week.  Picked up D-Dog.  Raced back home.  What do you know...the dog is back.  And he is covered in someone's poop.  And he has a wound on his snout.  Awesome!  Talked to the placement agency and the home study social worker.  Everything is still moving in a forward motion.  Yay!  Found out we might see updated pics and/or video of our girl by the end of the week.  WOO HOO! Freaked out slightly about the weather.  Mom and dad arrived.  Mom is toast...yay for painkillers.  But she still manages to peel potatoes while I struggle through math with Z.  I answer four thousand "mom...mom...mom" inquiries.  Help Z get ready for his activities for the night.  Say goodbye to hubby again.  I scored a whole 30 seconds with him.  They were great.  Hard to fight in such a time crunch!  :)  Get dinner on the table, Eat, visit with parents, send parents on their way...mom still drugged....dog still banished to the basement.  Clean up, work through homework with the other three kids and finally hide in the office to write this.  The night still holds baths, books, bed, etc...  And then I'll breathe. :)

Weird day, huh?

Things I remembered to be thankful for today:
That I could get out of bed on my own today and that we had food.
That I have children and we have clothing for them
That we have a home (with hurricane straps)
That we have access to health care and technology
That I have healthy parents!
That I have a hard working husband!
That we are adopting
That I can pray at any time for any reason and I can trust God
That I can stay home with my kids
That my kids are smart and I get to help them with their homework

Things I am not thankful for:
The dog! :)

Try to remember in the midst of a crazy day that there are so many things to be thankful for.  God has blessed us greatly with simple things that are so easy to take for granted.  Go through your day...write it down.  And then go back through and try to find the wonderful things that make your life beautiful!

The Desert

I am deep in the heart of the desert right now.  I have a tent set up and the grains of sand are filling my eyes.  This is not a place I am familiar with and I desperately want to leave.  If desire could pull me out...I'd be gone already.  I'm not even really sure how I got here.  I guess the stressful events of the past year haven't exactly helped.  I am still struggling with the tornado.  I know that probably sounds stupid.  But, it has been on my mind a lot lately.  For some reason, I keep getting flashes of the moment it hit.  I can hear the sound of the house coming apart and I can feel the sensation of being lifted.  I can smell the drywall mixed with rain and sense the insulation filling my lungs.  Last night I had a nightmare about it.  I was trying desperately to get my kids out of a room and into the basement.  But, we couldn't get there fast enough.
I think the problem is that I so vividly remember feeling close to God.  I remember the passion that drove me to seek out an orphan across the globe.  Lately, I will stand in worship with my hands raised focusing so deeply on the words...meaning them so much yet feeling empty.  I WANT God to move my heart.  I want to FEEL something.  But...I feel numb, tired, and weary.
I know deep in my heart that I love God.  I want to be obedient and I want to live for Christ.  I feel forgiven and I know the difference between chasing after the world and chasing after the things that matter.  I'm not lost...just in a rut??.  Maybe quiet is what I need.  There is so much noise in my life.  Maybe a husband that is present is what I need.  I've missed that companionship.  He is so busy.  Maybe I just need to drink more water and get more sleep.  I don't know.  I just feel off...
The adoption has made me a crazy mess.  Some days I wonder why in the world we're even doing this.  It is not easy.  I guess I should clarify and say that "for us" it has not been easy.  We have literally hit every roadblock in the game.  I'm still not confident that we'll ever get an approved home study.  Who would have thought that it would be this difficult?
If you read this blog and follow along on this journey...would you please pray for me.  I am feeling a bit defeated and down lately.  I won't give up.  I will finish the race set before me...
But, I know that right now I need to humble myself and ask for your prayers to draw me closer to Christ and to find the passion that I need to continue on.  I know that Christianity isn't an emotion.  And I don't need to feel a "spiritual high" all of the time.  But, I also know what it feels like to be in the arms of Christ and I feel distanced from that now.
Thanks and love to you all!

Happy Birthday, Z!!

I have had the blessing of being a mom for Twelve years today.  Last night, I had to wish my oldest child a happy "last night of being 11" over the phone since he was on a Scout camping trip.  In fact, I haven't even seen him yet today. :(  Hubby picked him up from the Scout drop-off and they went straight to paint-balling.  So, the other three kiddos and I baked him a cake and Noodle decorated it.  We all made homemade cards.  I helped Noodle create his own mad lib for Z to fill out.  What fun!!!  We wrapped presents and started dinner.  It has been a relaxing afternoon and we are excited about celebrating with our birthday boy.
I guess I'll have to start getting used to Z's busy life.  As he gets older, he gets more involved in activities and with friends.  It is yet another growing pain of watching your children age.  As I reflect over the past twelve years, I am amazed at the fantastic person Z has become.  He was a train wreck of a newborn.  That kid cried all the time.  But, he has grown from this tiny little ball of tears into one of the sweetest parts of my life.  I love his sense of humor.  I love the way his eyes sparkle when he is ready to say something funny.  I love the way he is courageous in the face of danger.  I love the compassion in his heart that makes him such a great friend to others.  I love his confidence.  I love his responsible nature.  I love his creative and artistic side and I love the sense of justice he feels.  I love the way he trusts God and the way he couldn't say a bad word if he wanted to.  I love that he is so mature and I even love him when he's in the middle of teenage angst.  I couldn't have put together a more amazing person if I was given the opportunity to do it myself.  I thank God for the gift of Z.  I can't wait to see what this next year holds for him.  And I am grateful to be here as his biggest fan and cheerleader.
Happy Birthday, Z!!!  I love you like crazy!

Pay Attention, People! This is REAL!

I've heard people say that they become Christians as a "fire insurance" policy."  To those people...I would say:  You need to seriously ask yourself what in the heck you think you're doing!  You wanna know if you are really a Christian?  Is your life a crazy battle?  Do you feel the pull of the world and the even stronger pull of the heart of Christ?  I feel like there is a war inside my mind most of the time.  I have a very strong personality.  I am a rebellious person by nature.  You want to know how I know God has my heart?  Because even when I'm speaking junk about giving up on his plan and spending a little time seeking out my own plans...I can hear his voice saying, "No you're not!"  "you're just mad!"  "You couldn't stop caring if you wanted to."  "You say you want to abandon my path.  But it would rip you apart inside."
Yes!  God knows me.  He knows the changes he's made in my heart.  I feel like I'm failing in my Christian walk daily.  If we were having parent teacher conferences for my Christianity, I would probably be hiding in my closet right now.  But, he knows that even though I talk a big talk,  I can't walk away.  Because even though I could choose to be selfish and walk away from adoption because it is difficult, it would tear me apart.  I don't want to live comfortable.  I want to live radical.  And darn it...God knows that.  I wonder if people see us and the things we've battled to follow God's calling and think we're crazy.  I know my parents do!  :)  Every time they come to visit and the chaos almost consumes them.   Does our walk of faith look like a blind stupid walk into the fire to others?  I wonder how many would look at our obstacles and say, "Quit already, people!"  I know I have!  But, my choice to quit doesn't change the fact that this is a broken and sad world.  If I quit this path, a child becomes an orphan again and I miss the chance to glorify God.
Right now, JoyFM is running a playlist of conviction for me.  Seriously...how does that crazy station always play the songs that I need to hear?  I can hear in the background, "Tell me, lest I forget...who I am to you...that I belong to you."  Wow!  God, I'm so sorry for doubting your involvement in this!  I'm sorry for rebelling against you.  And I'm really sorry about the bad words I said in my head to you! :(
Ok!  I get it.  I needed a reminder.  This junk that I battle daily is just part of living radically.  It does grow me.  It does change me.  It does refine me.  And it does show me the people in my life that lift me up when I fall down.
So, fire insurance?  That's just crazy talk.  Tell God you want to live radically and get back to me!  Then you'll have my respect!  Cause then we'll have something to talk about.  And you'll understand just why we keep walking uphill dodging rockslides to get to something worth really dying for!

Love you, Birthday Girl!

Dear Baby Girl,
Last night, we sat around our kitchen table with your cake in the center.  We all desperately wished that you were there, in the place of honor.  We wanted to take pictures of you smashing your cake.  Your brothers wanted to teach you how to get super messy and have some birthday fun.  They wanted to give you presents.  But, this is an unusual birthday party.  Because you were not here.  You are still in an orphanage half a world away.  But, we got amazing news.  Two wonderful women from our agency were there to visit you.  I know you will not remember them since you are only one.  But, they pulled out a gift for you from the supplies they brought with them and they promised to give you love from us.  I love the amazing way God provides.  I was feeling so sad to miss your first birthday.  But, God provided these women to be extensions of our arms.  And they promised to take new pictures of you for us. :)   You should know that we lit your candle and your daddy prayed for you.  We sang happy birthday extra loud (since you're so far away) and we all blew out your candle.  You will get to blow out the next one!  We can't wait for all of the wonderful memories we will make with you throughout your life.  You are special, you are loved and you are desperately wanted.  Orphan is a word that will never be placed on you again.  You are family.  We will walk with you through your tough times and we will celebrate your successes.  We may never live large financially, but you will always have something that money cannot buy...unconditional love...from a mom, dad, and four wild and wonderful brothers.  Sleep well, sweet E!  This new year of your life marks the countdown to coming home.

My Daughter's Birthday

Tomorrow we will celebrate a birthday.  Strangely, everyone will be here except the birthday girl, herself.  I was thinking tonight about the eve of my other kids' birthdays.  My mind is usually so full of wonderful memories from the past year.  I snuggle in to their necks and kiss them sweetly and let go of one more year of their childhood.  It is such a bittersweet moment...

But, this is different.  

This time, I know virtually NOTHING about my child.  I don't know her personality, or her smell, or what it feels like to hold her.  I am celebrating a stranger.  Adoption is a weird process.

It seems unfair that as she turns one in a far away orphanage, we will go on with our day.  In an office, a social worker will continue to work on her paperwork.  We will continue to wait patiently (ok...patient is a goal!)

Her brothers are baking a cake for her.  I'll post pictures later.  We'll have a little party in her honor. But, I cannot give her a present or watch her dive fist first into her cake.  That will have to wait another year.  The only thing I can offer in the way of a gift...as her mom...is a prayer.

I pray that God will keep her healthy and strong.  I pray that she will know His perfect love and that she will be safe.  I pray that God will help us continue on this path to bring her into a family.  And I pray that He will help us raise the money to bring her home.  

I know God has amazing plans for her life.  And this process of adoption is growing and refining us in ways we never imagined!  I heard a song today on the radio as I was waiting to go in and pick up D-Dog from preschool.  "Set the World on Fire" by Britt Nicole.  Our pastor once challenged us in our walk with Christ.  He said, "Do you want to know if your dream is big enough?  Well, do ya punk?"  Sorry.. I couldn't resist adding a little Eastwood.  :)  He said, "If you would fall flat on your face if God didn't show up...then your dream is big enough."  WOW!  That is so scary.  This week, I saw several areas that we are holding back on financially in order to fund this adoption.  We are living frugal, baby!  But, we can't do this adoption by ourselves.  If we try to pay for the whole thing, we'll end up in debt.  If we tried this adoption on our own, we would fail.  I trust that God is working out the timing and the finances.  I have to trust Him...or else I have nothing...

And there is too much at stake to abandon faith now.  

I wanna set the world on fire
Until it's burning bright for You
It's everything that I desire
Can I be the one You use?

[CHORUS]
I, I am small but
You, You are big enough
I, I am weak but
You, You are strong enough to
Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
Nothing I can not do
Nothing I cannot do

I wanna feed the hungry children
And reach across the farthest land
And tell the broken there is healing
And mercy in the Father's hands

[CHORUS]

Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
Nothing I cannot do
Nothing I cannot do

My hands my feet
My everything
My life, my love
Lord, use me

I wanna set the world on fire
I wanna set the world on fire, yeah

Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
Nothing I cannot do
Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
There's nothing I can't do
Nothing I can't do

Selective Grace

I'm singing a song this weekend at Metro and it has been haunting me.   Essentially, the song is about Grace.  It is about how none of us has fallen too far away to be saved.  "Just take the hand of grace, your sins have been replaced by something beautiful...you're not unreachable."  But pride is a big bad wolf in the Christian walk.  And I'm guilty of it from time to time.  It is easy for me to fight for the defenseless.  I can get on board when I hear about children dying of a disease they had nothing to do with.  Or, fight to save the orphans, etc...
But, (long pause) what about the people that are making conscious choices to sin?  What about the people that hurt me because of the hurt in their own lives?  Now, that. is. harder!  I find that my grace is pretty selective lately and I'm feeling really convicted about it.  The Bible says, "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."  Romans 3:23.  So, I need to remember that this verse is referring to me too.  I may not make the same choices I once did when I was blind to the truth.  But, now that I know the truth...isn't it that much more shameful when I don't extend grace to everyone?
It scares me to think that I might be the one to say, "Jesus...why would you eat dinner with a wretched tax collector?"  "Jesus, don't you know that woman is sleeping with several men?", "Jesus, I can't believe you would associate with that guy!"  I can bravely read the Bible and cast judgement on the people that actually did that.  But...(even longer pause) would I have been one of them?
The bottom line is that God doesn't use people with selective grace.  He wants consistent...across the board grace.  He wants me to love the woman making a thousand bad choices the same as I love an orphan across the globe.
God, I am such a mess.  On my own, I am an epic failure.  Please take my life out of my hands.  Purify my heart and make me a vessel of your grace.  Let me reflect your love in everything I do today and let all of the glory go straight to you.  Break my heart for the broken.  Take away my callous attitude.  Remind me of what it felt like when I was drowning in sin and you pulled me up out of the darkness and into the light. Remind me that a poor attitude is sinful and that you expect more from me.  Thank you for your grace that covers all of my sin and that your mercies really are new every morning.
Amen.

As For Me...

Do you ever think about how many choices we make each day?  Do we think about the consequences?  We make the choice (difficult as it may be) to get out of bed each morning and face the day.  We choose our breakfast.  We choose our clothes.  We choose how to greet our family members and how involved to get in their morning drama.  We choose how many diet cokes to drink. (If my body is over 80% water, why do I need to drink more?)  We choose how to spend our time and how to treat others and how much we invest in our jobs.  In frustrating moments, we choose how to treat those around us.  We choose our words, whether to exercise and what to make for dinner.  Our day is filled with choices.  And they define us.
Last night was really frustrating.  Hubby called to tell me that Z's tennis tourney was cancelled and that he had gone to band instead.  The bus would be stopping at the entrance to our subdivision at 4:15.  I got the call at 4:10 and I was just getting ready to throw dinner together and put it in the oven with the potatoes.  So, I ran out of the house and drove down to wait for the bus.  35 minutes later...I was still waiting.  And fuming!  I constantly feel like I don't have enough time for anything.  During this busy season of our lives, I'm spending several afternoons helping in D-Dog's classroom. The kids get home from school and it is a chaotic mess of homework, (tears over homework), trying to get dinner finished by 4:45, finding all of the appropriate uniforms and rushing out the door for practices.  AHHHHH.  So, last night, the stress escalated.  I raced back home to get my phone and tried to work on my chicken dinner.  As soon as my hands were immersed in raw chicken, my phone started ringing.  It was Z.  "Hey, mom...I'm here."  "AWESOME!"  So, I went racing back down the road to pick him up...silently fuming that Hubby was nowhere to be found in my time of distress and I think I was just making incomprehensible exasperated sounds.  I got Z in the car and raced back to my chicken.  When hubby called on his way home, Z picked it up and I heard him say, "Dad, I think mom's really mad at you."  :)
As I heard the garage door go up and I anticipated my husband's entrance through the door, I thought of all of the things I'd love to say.  And they weren't pretty.  But, in the time it would take to say "anger management" something stopped me.  I have a choice.  I don't have to fly off the handle at him.  I could chalk it up to miscommunication.  It really isn't anyone's fault.  I have a choice.  I get to decide how I handle it.  This man just returned home from a stressful day.  He worked hard.  And after all...I'm just happy that I didn't lose him in the tornado.
So, I put a smile on my face and said, "wow...epic fail on communication."  And we both laughed.  We worked out our crazy schedule and amazingly found some time to hang out before bed.
So, what are the choices you'll face today?
Joshua 24:15 in the Bible issues a challenge....gives us a choice.  "Choose this day whom you will serve........as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."
That is one of my biggest choices today.  Will I serve myself, or will I serve the Lord.  Let this challenge your heart today and remember that even in the heat of the moment...you have a choice. :)
Have a fantastic day, blog friends.

Motherhood

I'm currently eating my second piece of pumpkin cake.  I just finished putting my four kiddos to bed and my husband is at the Homecoming dance.  I know...that is a strange way to start a blog post about motherhood.  It has been a very long week!  We've had adoption stress, a crazy busy schedule and those stinkin' Cardinals keep winning!  Since we got rid of cable years ago, we aren't able to watch the games here.  So, my husband has been visiting generous friends during game nights and I've been trying to remember not to feed him beans on the nights he'll be sitting in a friend's living room.  :)  So, if you add Cardinal game + husband at a friend's house, you'll come up with = I'm at home on my own with the kids a lot.  Add to that two nights in a row of supervisory duties and you'll find a girl that is starting to forget what her husband looks like!
Tonight, I was remembering the early days when Hubby would be at work late and I'd be home with two, or three, or four small children.  We had our kids back to back.  Those were some very lonely nights.  But, now that the kids are getting older, it is actually a lot of fun.  We stopped by red box and got a wonderful but depressing movie.  Noodle is the only one that stuck with me through the whole thing.  We also got Chinese takeout.  As we were dipping it out, everyone was scurrying around getting water, and turning on the movie.  I thought, "There is nothing else I'd rather be doing tonight.  These people are my best friends!"  I love hanging out with my kids.  They are funny, and weird, and amazing!  Putting them to bed tonight took fooorrrreeevvveeerrr!  They were seriously chatty.  But, I looked at it as a chance to get to know them a little more.  My thoughts spanned out like ripples on the water.  I reflected over the events of the day.  My children all have very distinct personalities.  Our day started with a dose of perspective for our oldest.  He became completely unhinged because his brothers accidentally erased his work on a wii game.  I had a great convo with him about perspective and reasons to fall apart.  Starvation, and parents dying of AIDS are reasons for devastation...not a wii game.  Ahhhh, Motherhood is about perspective!  As the day progressed, I watched our second born battle it out on the football field.  He was tough.  But, when we got in the car after the game, he was so distraught that he couldn't eat.  "My friends got hurt."  Tears started to fall.  He is a gentle giant.  And he is not as open as the others.  I often have to dig out of him the reason for his sadness.  I offered him gentleness and compassion.  We prayed for his friends.  Ahhhh, Motherhood is about support.  Our third born was completely off his game today.  He whined constantly.  Disobeyed me several times and had to be touching me every second of the day.  More than once, I actually thought about hiding from him. Ahhhh, Motherhood is about grace!  Our fourth born laughed in the face of danger all day.  He is afraid of NOTHING!  He is opinionated, focused, and brave.  Ahhh, Motherhood is about letting go.  And our fifth child.  She is probably eating her lunch in an orphanage half way across the world right now.  We prayed for her tonight.  My heart aches for someone that I don't even know.  Everything in me wants to speed ahead to the day we bring her home.  But, the paperwork comes first.  Ahhh, Motherhood is about patience!  I think of the wonderful and difficult lessons I'm learning from these unique and complicated people.  God is refining me and growing me through the process of Motherhood.  I am so grateful to be on this journey.  I am grateful that God is allowing me to be a mom and to help grow His children.  It is a huge responsibility and I'll never take it lightly.
But you know what else motherhood is?  It is a house full of content and sleeping children.  It is supporting my teammate while he supervises a dance so our family will have the things we need.  And right now... it is about a hot bath and a new book!  Because I hate to admit it, but the pumpkin cake is gone! :)
Goodnight!

Diarrhea!

Yes!  I knew that would grab your attention...and quite possibly turn your own stomach.  Yesterday, B was complaining of a stomach ache.  He never got sick.  He just had some pain in his tummy.  Being the anxious mom I am, I started planning for his emergency appendectomy.  :)  Alas, he is fine.  He went to school yesterday and had a great day.  Ask him what virus he had yesterday and he will innocently tell you, "Tuesday-itis".  'Cause that's what we named it.  However, early in the morning, Z ended up with a stomach ache too.  This one was a little more productive.  He is now in bed sleeping off the bug.  And because I'm a super compassionate mom...my stomach is feeling really rocky now too.  Looks like it might be a redbox kind of day.
As usual, I've tied this unfortunate experience to my walk with Christ.  And I think that sometimes we need a little diarrhea in our faith walk.  YUCK! :)
OK....hang with me for a minute.  And put down your snack.  Seriously...you don't want to be eating while reading this blog today.
I feel like our walk right now is a wild one.  We've chosen to walk a path that forces us to trust God at every turn.  But, as I walk through the world, I sometimes allow unhealthy things into my life.  What are those things?  Gossip, Anger, Bitterness, Insecurity, Jealousy, etc...
I've found that if I don't purge those things from my life once in a while that they have a tendency to make my walk a little weaker...a little less effective.  How do I purge these things?  Only with the help of God.  His perfect word, true worship, servanthood...
So, my prayer for all of us today is that we'll have a little Spiritual Diarrhea.  :)  I pray that God will remove from our walk the things that drag us down and weaken our faith.  And, in this cleansing process, I pray that God will strengthen our resolve to serve Him and open our eyes to eternal things.
Drink your gatorade, peeps!  And in all seriousness...I hope you avoid actual stomach bugs. :)
Love and Vitamin C,
jill

It's a GIRL!!!

Sorry, loyal blog readers for leaving you in suspense!  It has been a firestorm of paperwork and prayer around here.  A week ago, someone from our agency contacted us about a little girl that had just been released for adoption in Asia.  We looked at her referral, prayed a lot, took all of her information to the pediatrician and waited to see if God opened or closed the doors.  In the past several months, God has been very clear with us about opportunities presented to us.  The doors have all closed on them.  So far, this is a go. :)  She has some special needs, but we feel educated and equipped to help her with them.
Interestingly, it was just over a year ago that Hubby and I walked out of church and hubby said, "I really felt the Holy Spirit speaking to my heart about adoption" "I'm so nervous to go forward, but I believe we are supposed to."  I had been praying for Hubby and I to be on the same page about this topic for twelve years.  I started researching adoption right after we got married.  But, it took eleven years for God to move his heart toward it.  I know it is slightly different, but if you've been praying for someone to know the Lord...don't give up.  Your wait may be long...but God is faithful.
So, the crazy thing is, that we started praying about the child we would adopt about a year ago.  And because God writes better stories than we do...our daughter was born about a week after we started praying for her.  I can't wait to someday tell you her entire story.  You'll see divinity woven throughout it.  Even through the chaos of tornadoes and tumors, someone in this family always held the vigil of prayer for her.  That is the beauty of this large family.  There is always someone to hold you up in prayer.  In the days when I had started giving up this dream, one of my children would remember "her" in prayer at bedtime and it would remind me that this wasn't MY dream...it was OUR dream.
So, when can we get this beautiful baby girl??????  It looks like it will be about six months before we can travel to bring her home.  I'll be daily stalking my social worker to finish the home study.  Then we have immigration fingerprints and paperwork followed by our documents mailed off to Asia.  After that, we wait for her government to grant us permission to travel.  Six months seems like a REALLY long time to wait for your daughter.  But, we're going to be incredibly busy with the boys and the Holidays.  So, I'm hoping that helps us get through the next few months.
And, we'll also be having bake sales, garage sales, car washes and babysitting to pay for this crazy venture.  So, stay tuned.
I want to say thank you to all of you that have faithfully prayed for us and this endeavor.  We need your continued prayers.  This baby girl is locked in with our family.  But, until we get her home, I won't have complete peace.  And since I've shared with you my most intimate thoughts and struggles, I kind of feel like we're family! :)  So, please pray for our child.  Please pray that God will protect her and keep her healthy and loved. Please pray for the transition she will have when we bring her home.  And please pray that we will all be faithful to God as we continue on this walk with Him.

BIG NEWS!

You want to know more, don't you???  Hopefully you'll know more soon! :)

It's not about me, It's about me...err, I mean, you!

I am restless!  As I sang that song last Sunday, it really resonated with me.  I am so restless.  I can't wait for anything!  This aspect of my personality has become the jumping-off point for many tantrums in my life.  I don't know if it is a feeling of entitlement because I live in a very rich country, or what.  But I have actually deluded myself into thinking that I deserve things in my own timing.  Oh sure, I pray about God's Will, but then I write up the story myself and push to make it happen.  Recent events have shown me a growing impatience within my soul toward this adoption.  As I read back over the story of Abram and Sarai, in Genesis, I saw a bit of a different view than I've seen before.  And, sadly, I related to the story in a very shameful way.  Imagine that God has promised you something that you've always wanted.  And to make it even worse, you've watched every one of your friends receive that item.  They all have what God has promised you...called you to.  I wish I could sit down with Sarah and ask her a million questions.  Was she fired up one night and when Abram got home did she sit him down and say..."Hey, God said he would give us children.  He's either forgotten his promise, or he wants us to figure it out ourselves."  "So, I have an idea.  Why don't you sleep with the maidservant!"  At this point, Abram should have been smart enough to see this for what it was.  What in the heck was Sarai thinking with this one?  God made a promise and Sarai wrote her own story.  So, Abram, in all of his testosterone filled madness agreed to this idea.  Boy, would I love to interview him too!  Abram sleeps with Hagar, they have a child which, what do you know, isn't the promised child of God and they open up a whole can of craptasticness (yes, I just made up that word.) God would go on to work out the story for everyone involved.  But it would be a story filled with heartache and tears.  Finally, God fulfills his promise and Abraham and Sarah give birth to Isaac.  This time, God writes his own story.  And, of course, it turns out to be the perfect story that we have the privilege of reading about throughout the Bible.  I highly recommend you start with the first book of the Bible to get this full story.  You'll be intrigued and glued...  It is a seriously racy tale!
Now, I would LOVE to think of myself as someone that waits on God.  But, the truth is, as soon as God calls me to something, I begin weaving my own story.  Because, let's be honest...I can always write the best story for me. :)  In the end, I'm the hero.  I am awesome.  I am cool.
But...after I gave my life to Christ, the story stopped being about me.  That is a hard one to give up.  I've often wondered why God didn't bless Abraham and Sarah with a child sooner.  What was the point of waiting SOOOOO long.  Did he just want the anticipation to build?  Did he want to sit back and see if they would fail?  NO!  God had a plan.  And to be honest.  He doesn't have to share it with us.  When we give our lives over to him and finally realize that it isn't about us...it is about Him, we see why.  He may never reveal the reasons for the things we deal with in life.  But, I've found that unless I surrender and accept that it is about him...it is about His Glory, I will never have peace.  I will always be restless.  God has called us to adoption.  I've already been pretty obvious that I have a killer plan worked out!  Apparently, God has heard my amazing plan, and he has rejected it in favor of the one that will bring Him glory...not me.  This is VERY hard for me to accept.  Since I am restless and impatient.  But, since I don't want to adopt a Hagar sized disaster...I think I'll wait on God!  I'll wait on His timing and I'll wait for him to fulfill His promise.  For, I know that he will be faithful and he will complete the good work he has started in us.
If you are in my camp and you also have a very difficult time accepting God's timing for your story, I would like to invite you to join me in my new mantra.  Grab a diet coke first...it will come out easier with a little carbonation.
"It's not about me...It's about you, God"
"It's not about me...It's about you, God"
"It's not about me...It's about you, God"
Love you, blog world friends!! :)
Oh, and for all of you praying for "Baby Grace", I am blissfully happy to share with you that she has a family.  A wonderful couple has decided to adopt her and will hopefully be able to take her home in about a month.  This is a huge answer to prayer.  Please keep lifting her up, though...she has so many hurdles ahead of her. :)

Calmer Seas...

What a difference a week makes.  Grace is still very much on my mind.  I inquired about her tonight and it would appear that she is showing small improvements in many areas, but not in the ways that we hope.  The amazing doctors are still trying to figure out the root of her challenges.  I do have peace that we made the "right" decision for our family. I had a wonderful and long talk with our social worker tonight and she is planning to finish our homestudy for International adoption.  I'm telling you...most of the time this feels like the most bi-polar experience in the world.  Up one day and down the next.  But, tonight I have hope in my heart that we will see this journey through.  Just to be clear, though...On Friday when the reporters are giving us a 1 in 3200 chance of being hit by space junk...I'll be hiding somewhere safe.  I'm not living in fear.  I've just realized that statistics haven't exactly been on my side lately. :)
Last night it felt like we got a bit of our groove back.  Hubby came home from work and our contractor was here putting some finishing touches on the house.  I had co-oped in D-Dog's classroom, made dinner, helped everyone through homework and got them all packed up for their various adventures.  Noodle had football practice, Z had his first middle school dance (the principal said it resembled a "stand" more than a "dance".) And hubby and I raced off to our small group study with the youngest boys before making the rounds to pick everyone up.  By the time we crashed into bed, I remarked at how wonderful it felt to have a night like that.  Yes, to some, it may sound insane.  But, to me it felt amazing.  It was full of life, noise, and laughs.  After the few months that we've had, I've really redefined what "calmer seas" look  like.  I'm a lot more relaxed than I used to be.  I am soaking up every detail of my kids and trying to live inside of every moment.  I LOVE being with them.  Tonight, hubby went to a baseball game.  The kids and I sat down and watched the X factor while devouring a box of Oreos.  Who knew we could collectively put away an entire bag of those things.  YIKES!  Bad mommy!
I've faced some difficult days lately.  I've been challenged on what we've been called to do.  But, my resolve is stronger than ever.  Hubby and I are on the same page.  We cling to Jesus during the storms, and we renew our faith in calmer waters.  I'm just so grateful that God has given us the courage to get out of the boat and try a little water walkin'.  What about you?  Are you willing to get your butt out of the boat and walk in faith toward Jesus?  He has so much he wants to do in your life.  I can't guarantee that you'll get a tornado or a tumor...but you'll get a super wild ride.  And I can promise you that you wouldn't trade it for any other life!

Grace

Please let that name settle into your heart and let it be part of your prayers today.  Grace is a four pound baby with multiple neurological issues.  We have made the heart wrenching decision not to adopt her.  Even after making the decision, I've cried every day for her.
And I've realized how selfish I am in this process.  You know, you can be pruned by God for so long and still have so far to go in the pursuit of Christ-likeness.  All week, I was brazen in my conversations with God.  I told him he was cruel.  I told him his plan didn't make sense.  "Why did you bring me into this story?  Why did you make me care?  You know me!  You knew my heart would break.  Why did you break my heart?"  But, at the onset of this story, everything God was speaking was about trust.  "Trust me!"  I thought he was asking me to trust him through the adoption of Grace.  Instead, he was asking me for something else.  "It's not about you!"  God gently whispered to me this week.  "It's not about you!"  "It is about her."  It is about the fact that a baby was born and abandoned and she had no one interceding for her.  No one praying for her.  Now she has people all over the world praying for her.  Her life has meant something.  She has made an impact.  She has taught me things about myself.  She has made us open to babies born in her same situation.  I would be lying if I said I knew the full meaning of all of this.  Just like I can't really tell you why anything in our lives has happened lately.  Two nights ago, I sat with B and explained to him that Grace was so sick...and that we couldn't adopt her.  He buried his face into his blanket and cried...a sweet, loving cry.  B is so much like me.  We love hard and we love fast!  We run across the street without looking both ways because we care so much about what is on the other side.  I can't wait to see how God uses that in my sweet son.  Just for clarification, he never met her.  We kept him from everything but the fact that we were visiting her and that she needed a family.  I've learned to protect his heart a bit.  When I was lamenting to a dear friend earlier this week, I made the comment that God's plan sucked!  With amazing wisdom, she responded with something that has put a tattoo on my heart and I hope to always remember.  She wrote, "No.  His plan is beautiful...it just isn't your plan."  As much as I think I could write the story better (can you imagine me in charge of the universe?) That would be a bi-polar experience! God does have a plan.  He is huge.  He can handle ALL of the details and he doesn't have to explain it all to me.  He can handle it when I question him.  (even though the lightning earlier this week did make me pause and hope that it wasn't intended for me. :)  And he has given me beautiful people to walk this crazy road with.  My husband, children, and amazing friends have been inspirational to me this week and they have helped keep my faith intact.  I am a very blessed girl.  And I'm learning.  And I have to be grateful that God even includes me in His plans.  What a privilege.  If the only reason he brought me into Grace's life was to pray for her and hold her...that is enough.  'Cause...its not about me.  Its about her.  I know that now.

Brokenness

I used to sing the words to a song in church that went like this:  "Brokenness, brokenness is what I long for...brokenness is what I need.  Brokenness, brokenness is what you want from me.... So take my heart and form it.  Take my mind...transform it.  Take my will and conform it...to yours, to yours, Oh Lord."

I sang this without a thought to what this really meant.  Today I am broken.  I carry brokenness in the marrow of my bones.  This has been a long and painful week in our pursuit of adoption. My heart is broken, my plans are broken and my faith has been broken too. 

On Monday afternoon, we became a possible family for a newborn in this area.  This was completely out of the blue and not something we were expecting.  As the story unfolded, it became so obvious that God was weaving a story of redemption and grace.  Everything about this situation has been an "open door".  Initially, I was floating in air contemplating the timing of this beautiful story.  Everything made sense.  The tornado, the tumor, the delays...it was all part of our story so we would be available for "her". 

But she is sick.  She is very sick.

She was exposed to things in the womb that should classify as child abuse.  We don't even really know the full extent of her challenges.  And she is premature.  But these are the things we do know.  She is beautiful!  She is loved by God and He has a plan for her life.  She is breathing on her own and she is maintaining her body temperature.  But, there are many mysteries in her tiny little body that neurology is trying to solve.  She will be in the hospital for a while.  She will have to show us what she's made of and her strength will have to grow.  She is a fighter.  She's stronger than the addictions that held her birth mom captive.

So the question is this:  If all doors are open for her adoption...what holds us back?  There are a thousand questions rolling around in our heads.  How will this affect our family?  How will this affect our kids...and our marriage?  Everyone in the world would run from this situation.  But, something has caused us to stay.  Is our role in her life to pray for her?  Or to raise her?  Are we strong enough for unknown special needs?  What keeps us on this crazy and wild path?  The heartbreak this week has almost been enough to numb my heart and make me question God's sovereignty.  I hate that her birth mom is enslaved by addictions.  I hate that a fragile newborn has to pay for something she had no part in.  And I hate that I don't know if we are strong enough to make her part of our family.  Brokenness.  God must show up in brokenness.  The only thing I am sure of is that my heart is still beating.  It beats in the evening after holding her all afternoon and I catch her newborn scent on my shirt.  When I look in the mirror and see that her eye gel has left a stain on my t-shirt, my heart beats.

So if you have called me this week and I haven't called you back, please forgive me.  And please pray for us.  pray that we make the right decision and that we follow God's plan...whatever that is.

Are you ready for some FOOTBALL?

Today was the culmination of hours of practice time and lots of playing with the pigskin.  N's team made their 2011 debut on the home field this afternoon.  They lost 13-7 to a neighboring town.  Hopefully they learned some things during the game today and will come out even stronger next weekend.  Unfortunately, N suffered an injury and only played during the first quarter.  He is playing center this year and after snapping the ball, he jumped up, put his hands on another player and they all went down in a heap.  N hyper-extended his left knee and had to come off the field to ice his leg.  It is slightly swollen and causing him pain.  But, we are pretty sure he'll recover quickly with some rest. He's number 62...

HIKE

PANCAKE!

N's face is under #47...this was the play before he got crushed.

Ouch!

A beautiful picture...

This has been an incredibly busy start to school.  But it has also been a wonderful start to school.  The older three love their classes.  They have fantastic teachers...no refocus sheets...no bus referrals...and no private meetings with the principal.  Can I get an amen? :)  We have been rocking the after school schedule...no doubt due to my new obsession with crockpots.  Oh yes!  We are finishing up week two of crockpot only recipes.  We've been dishing out dinner at 4:30, hitting soccer games two nights a week and football practice three nights a week. And this has been D-Dog's first week at preschool.  We LOVE his teacher as well.  He is really jazzed to get to school each day and see his new friends.  So, I have found myself with a tiny bit of free time each afternoon.  Soooo, in an effort to reverse the signs of aging, I have taken up running again.  I've given up the pursuit of "skinny"  But I know I can achieve "healthy".  And that works for me.
Today is a non-preschool day, so after making my five year old ride his bike along with me in the rain, I started working on the somewhat neglected house.  I mean...Toby the dog does a great job cleaning up the kitchen floor after meals...but even he can't get rid of juice spills.  I decided to go tackle a few boxes in the basement and look for some of our pictures that may have survived.  I resisted the urge to look for these initially because I wanted time to live here and think about where to put things again.  As I was digging through a large box, I found a picture that someone rescued from my bedroom.  Everything in my room was destroyed.  Even the door frame was ripped off the wall and thrown into the room.  But this crazy picture that was hanging between the door and my bed escaped all harm.  I started to cry today when I saw it.  It was a gift from my brother and sister in law for Christmas one year.  It is a picture of a mom holding a child.  Underneath the picture is the scripture from Isaiah 40:11
"He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young."
 I've gone over the details of that fateful night a million times.  What if one thing had been different?  What if we hadn't heard it in time.  What if Hubby hadn't jumped out of bed and screamed.  What if we took time to say something.  What if we didn't make it to our kids in time.  What if I wasn't holding my youngest children and adding our combined weight against the force of the F2..  What if the door frame hadn't stopped us from being sucked out.  What if someone in my family had died. 
I don't know why some people get a better ending than others.  My heart is heavy as I contemplate the families that have walked through ten years without their loved ones.  And as the Nation once again tucks their sorrow and loss away on September 12, these families will continue on...remembering... with a hole in their hearts.  They don't just remember the details on Sept. 11.  They remember it every day. 
But my mind is drawn back to this scripture.  No matter what, God gathers us in his arms.  He carries us close to His heart, and he gently leads us.  We will face fear, loss, and pain in this life.  But, we will face it safely tucked in the arms of our Father.  We have His promises and they are true.  I have learned to know and trust the arms of God.  I have burrowed deep within these arms and I have fought against these arms.  He never loosens His grip.