A holly jolly RADICAL Christmas

I've been giving a lot of thought to the following scripture lately.
Matthew 6:24
“No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money."
My constant struggle between the things of this world and the things of eternity rages on.  For so long, I've been able to abide somewhere in the middle of the struggle.  I love God, but I also love "things."  Black Friday brought out some very interesting emotions in me.  I'm not throwing out any judgements here.  I am all for the people out trying to score some deals because they are living within their means and they want to provide some nice gifts under the tree.  I am also completely supportive of the groups of friends or family members that do black friday as an activity that brings them laughter and memories.  Unfortunately, greed is also represented on that day and that is where I have the big problem.  I don't believe that you'll go to a large retail outlet on any other day and expect to see people kicking...yes...kicking their goods down the aisle.  They don't want to grab a cart (couldn't fit one through the aisles anyway) so they grab as many things as their hands can hold and they kick the rest to the checkout lane.  Two years ago, I saw a man kicking a large flat screen tv out through the parking lot.  He was, no doubt, flying high on adrenaline after scoring one of the 3 low priced tvs.  But, how much do you love something if you are kicking it out to the parking lot?
I think the thing that bothered me so much this year is that my eyes have been opened to the severe needs the rest of the world faces on a daily basis.  There are large groups of people struggling to feed their children or procure medicines for them and we are buying crap that we'll throw in a  garage sale in a year.   We line up for hours to buy cheap plastic items, but when we're asked to give money to feed or send children to school, we lower our heads, try not to look anyone in the eye and say..."well, you know...money is really tight this year...the economy and all..."
A fear has been plaguing me lately.  Where do I fall in the scripture i mentioned above?  Do I love God?  Or do I love money and the things money can do for me?  Why do I live in a beautiful home with running water, electricity, tons of food, and medical care five minutes away?
Luke 12:48 is heavy on my heart today.
"From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked."
That's me!  I've been given so much.  I have the truth.  I have had love.  I have had every comfort known to man.  What is my response?
I'm praying about this.  I am trying to continuously thank God for the wonderful comforts I have.  But, I'm also asking what He expects from me.  I want to show His love every day and I want God to know that my decision is easy.  I choose Him.  I don't choose earthly possessions.  I choose Him.  If God asks me to take more children into this home and show them the love that their Heavenly Father has for them, I WILL DO IT!  If He someday asks me to travel to a foreign land and spend the rest of my days showering love on orphans, I WILL DO IT!  This life is short and RADICAL is the only way to live.  
Dad, if you are reading this, breathe into a paper bag.  I won't ask you to babysit a village. :)
So, that's it.  You can agree with me or not.  But, I'm just going to put it out there...Be part of something amazing this Christmas.  Obviously, my heart is burning for the 147 million orphans out there.  Is yours?  Maybe you aren't in the place to bring one home to live with you.  But, if your heart burns for that too, you could help someone else bring an orphan home.  Adoption is a very expensive endeavor.  This is not a shameless plug for money.  I'm just encouraging you to find a way to make a real difference this year...one that will last.  Pray about what God would put in your path and go make a radical difference for someone this year.  I can guarantee that instead of ending up in a yard sale or goodwill, your investment will end up looking for you behind the gates of Heaven.  Have a radical Christmas season!  Love to you all!!
jill

Thanksgiving!

Bad Dog!

So, Toby got out of his underground fence again.  Seriously...this dog is gnawing on my last nerve!  I am so tired of bathing this monstrosity because he got out and rolled in someone's poo.  Hubby and I decided he had to go.  I'm all out of patience for this dog.
On the way home from practice tonight, Hubby dropped the bomb on Z, our oldest.  Z's response?  Tears!  And lots of them.  Hubby tried to reason.  He placed practicality on the table hoping our oldest would see that getting rid of the dog was the best plan.
When Hubby got home and Z was sobbing uncontrollably, I got mad at Hubby for sharing this monumental news before even I was ready.  Truthfully, I had bathed Toby and he was shivering in the basement and looking at me with eyes the size of my house.  Oh man!  Where is that cuteness force field?  I've always been a sucker for the puppy eyes...no matter who displays them.
Z couldn't go to sleep.  He was crying so hard.  We talked to him and told him we wouldn't make any quick decisions or moves.  We'd shelve it and discuss it tomorrow.  As Hubby and I made the rounds tonight to check on all of the kids, we found Z sleeping with his childhood stuffed puppy across his chest.  Ahhh, knife to the heart!  Z shared with us that since the tornado, Toby has made him feel safe.  He reminded us of some pretty big fears he had post-tornado and how Toby sleeping next to his bed made him feel more secure.
So, that's it.  Epic parenting/dog owner fail!  Can we traumatize our child?  I know I don't want to.  But, I'll tell you this:  If we keep this crazy pooch, Z is going to have to take the next bath duty!
My advice to all of you out there...save yourselves the drama...DON'T GET A DOG!!!
* Toby is on the oversized chair next to me in the office curled up and snoring softly.
**I hope to be curled up in bed and snoring softly in about five minutes!
Goodnight!

More Delays...(SIGH!)

If I were to write a book about our adoption, I'm not sure if I would put it in the drama or the humor category.  When we started this process, we were naive.  I'm pretty sure we thought it would all just fall in place.  I mean, how hard is a home study?  You fill out paperwork, get fingerprinted and voila...you have a home study.  I did not count on how many road blocks we would encounter along the way.  I did not count on our home being ripped apart, I did not count on China making a thousand changes.  I didn't expect the million delays we've had along the way.  And while I continue to wait for a State I once worked in to extend child abuse and neglect clearance...I find that we have one more delay to add to the list.  Now, it appears that DCFS has to give a letter of approval for the training we received.  We spent an entire day in classes to receive a Hague accredited certificate for the hours needed for China.  This training is approved through China and our placement agency...but not our State agency.  So, now they are reviewing it and it may take a while before it is approved.  Our home study cannot be submitted until it is approved.

I'm going to be brutally honest.  If we didn't have a picture on our fridge right now of a special needs child from China and a letter of pre-approval from her Country...I would flush this dream down the toilet today. 

This is the most exasperating thing I've ever been a part of.  We started our paperwork in mid-December of 2010.  We are coming up on a year that we've been trying to get a finalized study.  I've prayed, cried, and asked a thousand "whys".  I'll probably never really know the reason for all of this.  Sometimes I just want to scream, "We don't even have to do this!  We could take a vacation or buy a new car."  We're doing it out of love and out of compassion and a desire to follow after God.  But, sometimes following after God is still painful.  I just wrote something for church from the perspective of Mary, the mother of Jesus.  She accepted God's plan and her part in it.  But, it still brought her great pain and discomfort.  Please hear me!  I am NOT comparing myself to Mary!  Haha.  I'm just noting that sometimes following after the heart of God is not easy...it comes with a price.  So, the question I am left with while holding this dream mere inches from the toilet is this:  How much discomfort and pain is it worth to bring an orphan home.  

The answer doesn't flow out of my mouth like it did when we first started this journey.  But, if you listen closely and stand very near, you can hear the words form..."She's worth everything."  So, the journey continues and we power on through the delays.

A day in the life...

Got up early, made hubby's lunch.  Helped Z through a wardrobe crisis.  Walked on eggshells until I could get that crabby boy on the bus.  Watched hubby fly out the door...on to another day of wild work.  Cleaned up the house, the dog ran away, mom called on her way down to the dentist with a tooth emergency.  Talked and prayed with a friend.  The dog is still gone.  I showered and put on the only pair of jeans that fit my butt.  Decided not to bother with the hair.  Really...how many windy days are we going to have?  Made lunch for D-Dog and I.  Edited some pictures, checked email and Facebook.  Left to take D-dog to school...still no dog.  Took hubby's coat to the dry cleaner, looked at goodwill for jeans for Z.  "Please, Jesus!  Help me find some cheap jeans!"  Met up with mom at target.  She is in a ton of pain...on her way to a specialist.  Shopped target, ran to the grocery to buy food for the week.  Picked up D-Dog.  Raced back home.  What do you know...the dog is back.  And he is covered in someone's poop.  And he has a wound on his snout.  Awesome!  Talked to the placement agency and the home study social worker.  Everything is still moving in a forward motion.  Yay!  Found out we might see updated pics and/or video of our girl by the end of the week.  WOO HOO! Freaked out slightly about the weather.  Mom and dad arrived.  Mom is toast...yay for painkillers.  But she still manages to peel potatoes while I struggle through math with Z.  I answer four thousand "mom...mom...mom" inquiries.  Help Z get ready for his activities for the night.  Say goodbye to hubby again.  I scored a whole 30 seconds with him.  They were great.  Hard to fight in such a time crunch!  :)  Get dinner on the table, Eat, visit with parents, send parents on their way...mom still drugged....dog still banished to the basement.  Clean up, work through homework with the other three kids and finally hide in the office to write this.  The night still holds baths, books, bed, etc...  And then I'll breathe. :)

Weird day, huh?

Things I remembered to be thankful for today:
That I could get out of bed on my own today and that we had food.
That I have children and we have clothing for them
That we have a home (with hurricane straps)
That we have access to health care and technology
That I have healthy parents!
That I have a hard working husband!
That we are adopting
That I can pray at any time for any reason and I can trust God
That I can stay home with my kids
That my kids are smart and I get to help them with their homework

Things I am not thankful for:
The dog! :)

Try to remember in the midst of a crazy day that there are so many things to be thankful for.  God has blessed us greatly with simple things that are so easy to take for granted.  Go through your day...write it down.  And then go back through and try to find the wonderful things that make your life beautiful!

The Desert

I am deep in the heart of the desert right now.  I have a tent set up and the grains of sand are filling my eyes.  This is not a place I am familiar with and I desperately want to leave.  If desire could pull me out...I'd be gone already.  I'm not even really sure how I got here.  I guess the stressful events of the past year haven't exactly helped.  I am still struggling with the tornado.  I know that probably sounds stupid.  But, it has been on my mind a lot lately.  For some reason, I keep getting flashes of the moment it hit.  I can hear the sound of the house coming apart and I can feel the sensation of being lifted.  I can smell the drywall mixed with rain and sense the insulation filling my lungs.  Last night I had a nightmare about it.  I was trying desperately to get my kids out of a room and into the basement.  But, we couldn't get there fast enough.
I think the problem is that I so vividly remember feeling close to God.  I remember the passion that drove me to seek out an orphan across the globe.  Lately, I will stand in worship with my hands raised focusing so deeply on the words...meaning them so much yet feeling empty.  I WANT God to move my heart.  I want to FEEL something.  But...I feel numb, tired, and weary.
I know deep in my heart that I love God.  I want to be obedient and I want to live for Christ.  I feel forgiven and I know the difference between chasing after the world and chasing after the things that matter.  I'm not lost...just in a rut??.  Maybe quiet is what I need.  There is so much noise in my life.  Maybe a husband that is present is what I need.  I've missed that companionship.  He is so busy.  Maybe I just need to drink more water and get more sleep.  I don't know.  I just feel off...
The adoption has made me a crazy mess.  Some days I wonder why in the world we're even doing this.  It is not easy.  I guess I should clarify and say that "for us" it has not been easy.  We have literally hit every roadblock in the game.  I'm still not confident that we'll ever get an approved home study.  Who would have thought that it would be this difficult?
If you read this blog and follow along on this journey...would you please pray for me.  I am feeling a bit defeated and down lately.  I won't give up.  I will finish the race set before me...
But, I know that right now I need to humble myself and ask for your prayers to draw me closer to Christ and to find the passion that I need to continue on.  I know that Christianity isn't an emotion.  And I don't need to feel a "spiritual high" all of the time.  But, I also know what it feels like to be in the arms of Christ and I feel distanced from that now.
Thanks and love to you all!