On the Eve of a Birthday

Tonight I continued a ritual that I have had for as long as I've been a mom.  On the eve of the birthday, I put my kids to bed and soak up the remaining hours of their current age.  I bid them goodnight on their last night of being _________.  It is an opportunity to stop the clock for just a moment.  I sit back, try to pack all of the memories of the previous year into my unreliable memory and hope that in ten years, I'll be able to recall how perfectly sweet and amazing that year of their life really was.

Tonight, it is a new experience for this veteran mom.  I've been doing this ritual for almost 13 years for an eventual crew of four boys.  And yet this one is unchartered territory.  Tonight, I sat in a rocking chair with my daughter of only two months and rocked her to sleep.  "Goodnight on your last night of being ONE"  I said.  And I realized that I only had two months worth of memories to draw from.  Most of the past year was spent chasing after her with forms and appointments and travel.  Last year, we baked a cake, put a #1 candle on it and sang to a child that we could barely even imagine.

Sometimes it hurts to know that there are people that know her better than I do.  Sometimes I feel a physical ache that I wasn't there for all of her "firsts."  There is a small place in my heart that wonders what she saw, felt, and understood in the many months before she became mine.

But, as I put her to bed tonight, I felt pure joy.  Because instead of lingering in all of the sad places, I remembered that because of God's amazing gift...His love...His faithfulness...she is ours...

And I know that when she wakes up tomorrow morning as a TWO year old, she will call out for mama...and she will mean me.

My Two year old baby girl

Now I will pretend you are not here, mom!

STOP taking my picture, MOM!

Seriously, LADY!  put the camera DOWN!