Z

 

My oldest child was born 11 years ago today.  Technically, his birthday is October, 30.  But, he was born in a small private hospital in Hong Kong and it was October 29th here in the States.  In many ways, it seems like he can't possibly be eleven.  In other ways, it feels right that I've known him that long.  Sometimes he is a complete mystery to me and other times I completely understand where he's coming from.  As he begins to navigate this often confusing life, I pray that God will give me the wisdom to parent him well.  When I look at him, I am overwhelmed with the responsibility that God has entrusted me with.  Z belongs to God.  He is mine to raise, but he belongs to God.  I want him to know that we love him unconditionally.  I want him to always have a safe place to fall.  I want him to be everything he was created to be.  And I want him to love God with all of his heart.  Everyone that knows Z, knows that he is an incredible guy.  He has a tender heart and a brave spirit.  He has a strong sense of justice and an even bigger conscience.  He is a leader among his brothers and the humor around our kitchen table.  As I reflect on his incredible life, I am grateful to know him.  He will make the world a better place.  He will achieve great things and I will always be his biggest fan.  Happy Birthday, Z!

The Real Deal (aka Kerri and Amy Grant)

 

My awesome friend Kerri drove from Chicago to see me and help be a runner for the Amy Grant "Pieces of our Lives" event in St. Louis.  Kerri and I have been lifelong fans of Amy and basically grew up with her music.  Which doesn't really make sense since she actually looks younger than us.  :)  And, by the way...can you tell from the picture who her biggest stalker is???  just kidding, Kerri!  

Our day consisted of running after food, coffee, guitar center stuff, hotel pick-ups, driving through the ghetto, helping to set up the event, and grabbing pizza for Amy.  We laughed harder than we've ever laughed.  We named my friend Sherry's Garmin a very bad name since we were pretty sure she was misdirecting us on purpose.  We got completely lost in the city.  One of the driving mishaps happened while Kerri was bringing Amy from the hotel. She did a little extra driving, but I still maintain she did that one on purpose.  :)

The production company, artist, band, and crew were incredible.  We felt like part of their "family" from the start.  We made new "friends" and built new memories.  What a gift to spend the day with such amazingly real people that obviously have a burden for kids around the world.  All in all, a great experience.  

But, my favorite part of the experience was being able to spend an entire day with someone that means so much to me.  In my life, Kerri is "The Real Deal".  She has been my friend for years.  We have raised kids together, laughed together, and cried together.  We've survived many tests of friendship and I can't imagine my life without her.  She knows the real me....the one I often hide from the world.  We know each others moods and we know all the stories and secrets.  This experience was just one more chapter to add to the book of our friendship.  I can't wait for the many more exciting stories that we'll add.  I thank God for her and her place in my life. 

A Ridiculous Prayer

Psalm 50:10 - 
"For all the animals of the forest are mine,
      and I own the cattle on a thousand hills."
God doesn't have a budget!  He doesn't have to manage His time! He has all the resources of time and space and beyond.  It is important for me to realize that nothing is impossible with Him.
So, at the encouragement of the book i am currently reading, I am praying a "ridiculous" prayer.  Now, for the sake of clarity, I must say that it doesn't mean I am praying selfishly.  Contrary to certain theology out there, I do not believe God wants me to drown in material possessions.  I do not believe that He causes people to win the lottery.  I don't believe that I should expect to receive a large flat screen tv or new car just because God wants to "bless me".  I do, however, believe that God takes care of the details when it coincides with His good and perfect Will.  So, because I know my heart is right.  Because I know that I am praying His will, I am going to pray a ridiculous prayer.  And then I'll wait!  After all, THIS is faith like a child!  And that's the kind of faith Jesus asked me for.  Some might call it silly.  I call it Ridiculous.  But hopefully, the world will see it and call Him Glorious!

A Battle? With a Lion?

Who doesn't love a great battle?  I love reading about battles between good and evil.  (mostly when good triumphs over evil)  However, I'm usually caught off guard when I'm in the middle of one.  I know God is changing me.  I have felt closer to Him in the last week than I have for a long time.  The simple act of opening my hands and releasing my life to Him has been exhilarating.  But, I wonder if this has brought me to the attention of the enemy that so desperately wants me to fail.  When I'm singing at Metro for the weekend services, i always notice subtle things.  The weekend is a little crazier, the kids are a little louder, my husband is a little less amazing-er.  Just kidding.  Honey, you are amazing all the time.  But, I seem to feel like I'm walking against the wind a little. I mean, don't get me wrong.  Greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world.  God always wins.  His purpose is always complete.  But, all I'm saying is that opposition is real.  And I feel it.  Have any of you faced opposition lately?  When you feel like you are being obedient?  How do you handle it?  I've always maintained that in a "flight or fight' situation, I am clearly a "flight" kind of girl.  You show me a scary situation, I'll show you the best hiding spot!  I'm a lover, not a fighter.  I avoid confrontation at all costs.  Maybe that is why people secretly un-friend me on facebook.  Maybe they know I couldn't really handle the confrontation anyway...i digress...
So, after church last night, (great service!!)  I was flying so high I was eating clouds.  My parents were here for the weekend, and they offered to take the kids home and put them to bed so Hubby and I could have some time on our own.  AWESOME!!!  What should we do first??? Everything!  The possibilities were endless.  Oh, except for the fact that everything in our town closes at 9:30pm.  :)  Anybody feel my pain?
Now, since our encounter with God last Sunday, (cue the church organ)...we hadn't had a lot of time to discuss the adoption. I've done research, prayed, and felt led toward a particular agency.  I think we both agree on the Country and program.  But, we hadn't gotten down to the nitty gritty.  Plus, there are several webinars that would be good for us to watch together.  So, our date began with me throwing out the subject.  No small talk when you've been married this long. :)  I was met with a bit of reluctance.  It turns out that my husband is becoming more hesitant.  Now, in his defense...the hesitation and desire to think things to death has served us very well in our marriage.  I don't want to discount it.  It has kept us out of sticky situations, and has gotten us to the point of being debt-free aside from our home loan.  Conversely, I tend to be the one running into situations with my eyes closed but with great fervor. (especially things I'm passionate about)
So, putting the brakes on this spiritual journey hit me in the gut a little.  I really did begin questioning everything.  Did I hear from God correctly?  Did the Holy Spirit really speak to us both on Sunday?  Am I the one driving this?  Or is God?  Was He just testing my obedience without wanting me to follow through?  I don't know.  All I know is that I felt really defeated last night and I knew I needed to focus on God or I would end up in a very bad place.  So, when I left for worship this morning, I grabbed a book that I've been wanting to read for a long time.  The book is by Mark Batterson, and is titled "In a pit with a lion on a snowy day."  Now, I don't know what image that brings to your mind, but I can confidently say that I don't hang out anywhere near lions and I would never intentionally end up in a pit with one...on a snowy or sunny day.  The book is based on a Bible story found in 2 Samuel about Benaiah.  Apparently, he chased a lion into a pit (a snowy pit) and killed him.  It turned out to be a pretty good thing, because he ended up impressing King David with his courage.  One of my favorite quotes of the book so far is, "The greatest opportunities are sometimes the scariest lions.  Part of me has wanted to play it safe, but I've learned that taking no risks is the greatest risk of all." (p. 14)
So, I've come out from behind my safe rock and I'm ready for the lion.  I'm ready for the challenge.  I don't know what that means for this journey.  But, I do know that it makes me obedient.  And obedience is the most important thing to me right now.  Please pray for us as we pray for this.  Right now, I'm trying to convince my husband that fighting a lion in a pit on a snowy day is a fabulous idea.  That should be easy, right???  right??? anybody?  Bueller??

My Favorite Quote

I have a new favorite quote.  I say it to myself at least twenty times a day.  My dear friend, Tanya, is currently  on this journey of adoption.  Recently, they brought their son home to his "forever home" and she is a complete inspiration to me. When I expressed the fact that we are crazy to pursue adoption with four kids etc...she replied with, "Crazy is what love does".  This has become my mantra for more than just the adoption.  It has become my mantra for parenting.  With Christ at the center of my home, there are many things that might not make sense to the rest of the world.  But, the things we do for love don't always make sense.  I know that all of you reading this have done some pretty outrageous things for love.  I think that letting go of our selfish nature enough to truly love someone is pretty amazing.  So, how crazy are you willing to be for love?  God was willing to let go of His only son, send him off to a dirty, volatile world and watch him hold our wretched sins while dying a violent death.  How happy are you that you don't have to go that "crazy"?  (ok, enough preaching! )  :)
One of the awesome aspects of this journey is very similar to what we experienced when we moved to Hong Kong just one year into our marriage.  It actually got to the point where Hubby and I started joking about the things we needed...because God was anticipating every need before we knew it was there.  We started talking about finding an apartment (unseen) and a missionary couple sent us an email about renting out their apt. since they were moving back to the States.  It turned out to be a great flat in a great location.  We started talking about furnishing the place and we got another email that the same missionary couple was leaving behind ALL of their stuff for us.  REALLY?  OK.  Blessing accepted!  hmmm, anyone think we need a cherry red porshe to drive around the city?  just kidding.  We made very little money over there.  But, the experience was rich and unbelievably, we paid off all of our school loans while living there on a meager salary.  So, I have seen over and over again how God provides.  This week, I have been fighting with insurance and hospitals over bills from Z's accident and B's fall at school.  We had about $600 in responsibility and it was looking like we were going to have to pay it.  Yesterday, I listened with my jaw on the floor as God wiped out our responsibility for these bills.  I'm pretty sure an angel was on the other line.  I hope she didn't think I was slow.  I was struggling to wrap my mind around the conversation as our portion was evaporating in front of my face.  You can bet that my face hit the floor and I thanked God for his provision.  I believe that he will pave the way for the things he calls us to do.  So, I probably should have put a disclaimer at the beginning of this post that it was kind of preachy.  I think I used God as many times in this post as it appears in the Bible. :)  But, my heart is filled with thanksgiving and I have to let it out.
(Luke 19:39-40)"Some Pharisees from the crowd told him, "Teacher, get your disciples under control!"
 But he said, "If they kept quiet, the stones would do it for them, shouting praise." (Luke 19:39-40)

Happy Brithday

Yes.  I know I spelled it incorrectly.  But, this is how all of the kids spelled "birthday" on their homemade cards to me.  Since Z spelled it like that, I can only assume that he gave out spelling assistance to his three younger brothers.  :)  The thing that I find most precious about this is that they relied on each other.  Once again, I am reminded of how fortunate I am to have such wonderful kids.  *disclaimer:  They do not always get along.  Sometimes there is name-calling, pushing, etc...Sometimes we have to separate them to opposite sides of the ring and all that.  But, as they go through life, it is my prayer that they remain close and always lean on each other through the good, bad, and ugly that life throws at them.
It was a fabulous birthday.  One of the best I've had in a long time.  I didn't stress about the age thing.  I'm feeling young, even though the wrinkles on my face tell another story.  Several wonderful friends met me for lunch.  My dear friend, Kara, put together a lunch date.  I know they would have thought I was a freak.  But in the middle of it, I felt like crying.  The first birthday I had in this new location was a very lonely one.  I hadn't connected with anyone.  We hadn't found Metro yet.  I remember praying to God for friends and really having to trust Him that he would deliver.  Here I am three years later, and I can see how He was so faithful.  Yesterday was a reminder even through the wonderful facebook birthday wishes that God has blessed my life and brought so many amazing people into it.
My husband surprised me with an evening out.  Kara and Joel babysat our kids.  I fear it may have scared them from ever having more kids.  :)  No, that's not true, but one of my children had his own glade scent spraying from his butt all night and I know they were more than a little concerned that their child would morph into a smelly boy at some point.  We went out to eat and enjoyed some relaxing conversation.  Wow!  What a difference it makes when you have a conversation with one person instead of five at a time.  We covered a lot of topics.  I felt like we had some real quality time together.  He bought me a crazy am/fm/cd/ipod -ish radio for under my kitchen cabinet.  I have been secretly (and for honesty's sake, not so secretly) hoping for one of these.  I am a closet talk radio geek.  But, more specifically, I listen to BOTT radio all day.  I gave up tv a long time ago.  Never enough time to watch anything and if I happen to be folding laundry, Drew is right there with me.  And my idea of a good show and his idea of a good show don't exactly line up.  So, I listen to sermons, and inspirational stuff all day.  However, I often will switch my radio over to Y98 throughout the day to dance along to some Katy Perry, Gaga, etc...
So, that was the day in a nutshell.  I got cards, cake, and lots of hugs.  Hubby gave me kisses and the boys all pretended to be grossed out.  They all swore never to kiss a girl until they get married.  Oh, except for D-Dog.  (always marching to his own drum...) He said, he would only kiss a girl if he really loved her.  Something tells me the teenage years around here are going to be a blast.
Have a great day.  And in the middle of the flight of the bumblebees, remember these words from Jesus:
Cast your cares on the LORD
       and he will sustain you;
       he will never let the righteous fall (Psalm 55:22)

The Bigger Issues

Okay, so last  night was a bit of a bummer.  Insecurity...table for one, please!  I got a call from the adoption agency I contacted.  I spoke with a very sweet girl that directed me toward two possibilities for international adoption.  Bulgaria (yeah, I actually had to look it up on the map) and Ethiopia.  Our hearts have been leaning toward Asia, so I'm not sure what to think about this.  I have two more agencies to contact today, so...we'll see.  We're also COMPLETELY open to a domestic adoption.  I just don't know that much about that avenue...so I have a lot of research to do.  Any advice from friends or "friends" of friends that have traveled this road would be GREATLY appreciated!  Hubby spent some time on the internet last night researching too.  I thought the hard part would be actually deciding to go forward.  It seems that the more difficult issues are centered around the decisions that follow.  Last night I started to feel very overwhelmed.  Then I began the process of worrying that maybe we shouldn't do this after all.  People are being supportive, but let's be honest...who hasn't read my ramblings and thought, "ummm, someone needs to tell her she already has four kids!"  I know it doesn't make any sense, and yet, it makes all the sense in the world.  In my mind, one child without a family + one family = God's plan.  So, I got on fb.  Big mistake.  In attempting to go to a group I'm part of, I accidentally clicked on the name of someone in that group, only to find out that this person had un-friended me (for the second time).  REALLY?  I'm aware that not everyone will love me.  But, I hate not knowing why someone doesn't like me.  Then I spiraled from there...
My fabulous husband (have I mentioned that he is amazing yet?) took me home from the pity party and prayed with me.  At the end of a crazy day, I have the unconditional love of Christ, a devoted husband, four wonderful kids, fantastic friends, and lots of love to give.  I think I can handle being secretly un-friended by someone I barely know.  :)
So, blog world friends...Here are the words God has given me as I recover from pity party hangover:  (Isa. 43:2,5)  "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers they will not sweep over you....Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west"  Is Bulgaria or Ethiopia closer from the east?  Just kidding!!

The Morning After

You know how every time you make a big announcement or decision, there is an overwhelming desire to pull it back in the next morning.  I remember this feeling each time I found out I was pregnant.  Now, let's be honest.  I would have happily gotten pregnant fifty times.  But, there is a small "oh crap" moment after the lines show up even when you really really want a baby.  I have to admit.  I was overwhelmed by the support and encouraging comments yesterday from wonderful friends.  But, the reality that it was out there and not in my head anymore, made me a little nervous.  My mind was a whirlwind yesterday.  How in the world are we going to fund this?  Why upset status quo? Are people going to think we're crazy?  My mom sweetly answered the last question for me.  "jillian, people already think you're crazy."  Thanks mom!  HaHa!!  And when my husband walked in the door last night (and then back out to return to work...crazy over committed employee) I thought...is this gonna be the thing that finally gives him a heart attack?  I don't know if it was opposition from the enemy.  I mean, seriously..he gets on my nerves.  But, I really had to keep moving forward and giving this over to God.  My prayers went something like this:  "Ok, God...if you want us to add to our family...you're going to have to pay for it."  (so brave of me to throw that at Him, huh)  "Please keep giving me confirmation.  People are going to think we're crazy."  And most importantly, "I just want my heart to beat with the things that break Your heart!" (let's not lose focus)  So, we ended the day with all six of us sitting around the kitchen table eating the most decadent pumpkin cake with cream cheese frosting.  I looked around my table and thought about how full it was.  I mean, we only have six chairs.  I have funny, smart, loving children and a fantastic husband.  If we move forward (and I actually hear back about the pre-app I sent out to an agency yesterday) this will affect them.  My heart was a little heavy.  My belly was too.  wow.  I want to eat that cake for breakfast!  We went up and read stories, prayed and tucked the kids in.  Hubby and I collapsed on our bed trying to grab a moment to ourselves before sleep took over.  I addressed the party down the hall. (Why do they get so chatty after you put them in bed?)  And as we were sharing parts of our day, B walked in our bathroom to hit the potty one more time.  He skipped over to where we were sitting and hugged us one last time and said with his innocent little voice, "I love you mom...and dad."  And then he skipped off to bed...in a warm house...in a cozy bed, surrounded by his many stuffed animals...knowing that he'll wake up to a hearty breakfast...(not cake, that's for me)...and secure in the fact that his mommy and daddy are one room away and would jump in front of a bus to protect him.  And it hit me with the force of a tornado.  B has that!  All of our kids have that.  But, what about the child in an institution, orphanage, etc... that is going to bed so differently than B tonight.  And these are the words I fell asleep to last night...James 1:27 (NLV)  "Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you."  The pursuit is on...

What is Pursuit?

We all pursue something. For some, it is money, relationships, or acceptance. I know that I fight a daily battle with the opportunities vying for my attention and focus. I want to be a great wife, and a great mom. I want to serve and love and all of that stuff. But, is there a bigger purpose I should be chasing after? This has been a question eating away at my heart for a very long time. But, it seems so counter-cultural. I have a fantastic life. I could coast a bit. My kids are healthy and brilliant. (ok, at least I think so) Why would I try to change anything?
But, my mind keeps returning to the fact that this life is so temporal. We only have a very short time to "be jesus" to those that don't know Him. After all...Jesus didn't choose comfort. He chose the ultimate pursuit. Knowing that we were lost and orphaned in a world of sin, He pursued us from the cross. God gave us a hope and a future. (jeremiah 29:11) So, it is with this in mind, that our "Pursuit" begins. I write this with shaking fingers, because I don't have a clue what this means. All I know is that God has never failed us. On October 17, 2010, while standing in church and singing, God moved my heart and The hubby's heart at the same time. When we got in the car and started driving, Hubby shared with me that he knew God was calling us to adopt. It was the same moment that God moved me to tears about the same topic. I have prayed for unity in this decision and I believe we have it. So...let the journey begin.