But all of my daydreaming was in vain.
My daughter sleeps with a pirate. Not a real pirate...seriously...she's only four! He's stuffed. She has a drawer full of superhero shirts. She almost never wears pink. She has NEVER let me braid her hair. And her favorite color is blue. She is contemplating marriage someday...but she will only accept a proposal from Flash or Superman. The baby dolls I purchased are stuffed in a corner since she favors her ninja turtle sewer toy the most. Most of the time, she looks like this:
The story of our bond is a rough one, at best. Despite my dreams of nailing this whole adoption thing, she rejected me to the point of physically hurting me if I got too close. It has been 30 months since that fateful day in August when I signed the dotted line with trembling fingers and wavering faith. I had very little hope that our relationship would ever be healthy.
I have this habit of telling God how things should work. Apparently, I have all the great ideas. Funny enough, He rarely follows my detailed plan. I was at the grocery store the other day and I saw a young mom with her daughter. The little girl must have only been two years old. She was wearing an adorable pink dress, silver boots, a white and silver jacket, and a big pink bow in her hair. She was the very essence of a little girl. As I stood there watching her, my mind drifted back to all of the girly plans I had for my daughter. Nothing has turned out the way I thought it would.
Boy, how many times have I uttered that statement? "Nothing has turned out the way I thought it would."
And yet...
In so many ways it has turned out better. These are a few of the things being E's mama have taught me:
1. Relationships require time.
Our bond has been slowly growing over the past 2 1/2 years. In this "fast food" culture, we don't want to wait for anything. We want it and we want it RIGHT NOW! Good things take time to grow.
2. Relationships require flexibility.
Sometimes we have to adjust our dreams to make room for reality.
3. Relationships require sacrifice.
I've given up a lot of myself for this process. I've lost sleep, sanity, food off my plate, and money for this little life. Totally worth it!
4. Relationships require forgiveness.
She still carries trauma with her. She always will. But when she lashes out...I have to be ready to embrace her with love. Even if my pride is hurt and my dreams are crushed.
5. Relationships require Jesus.
I know...I know...everybody checks out when Jesus shows up. But this is truth! He wrote the book (literally) on relationships. He is the author of time, flexibility, sacrifice, and forgiveness.
Being E's mom has changed me. It has softened me. I can easily see why God placed her in the role of my daughter. She is feisty, and challenging, and she lives life by her own terms. But she is also funny, smart, and full of compassion. She may not be what I imagined for myself. But she is exactly what God imagined for me. His plan (although sometimes painful) is always more beautiful than what we could write.
And even though my daughter may choose the Batsuit and Batmobile for prom someday, I think we're going to be just fine! Because not only did God choose HER as my daughter...He chose ME as her mom! And that, my friends, is a humbling and awesome responsibility that I am honored to receive!
