A strange sensation

I am overwhelmed by a very strange sensation this morning.  No, it isn't vicodin.  I'm off of that.  Despite my jokes, It isn't because of a large bottle of wine either.  Although, for full disclosure, I should admit that I am eating a huge piece of Sherri Stout's ding dong cake. YUM!  No.  This feeling is oddly familiar...a pre-tornado feeling...
I hesitate to write it...I don't want it to go away.  But, I think it feels something like...peace.
Technically,  I shouldn't be feeling this today.  My kids fought this morning.  My neck feels like it got whacked by a ceiling.  My pants still don't fit (do you think ding dong cake is bad for that?) My kids have counseling today.  And I'm fielding questions from my contractor regarding placement of windows and sliders.  Sorry, Mr. Contractor.  You are amazing.  And I know I call you Santa because you answer every question with, "We can do ANYTHING!"  But, I can't even think about window placement right now.  I'll just be happy with windows that are attached to the walls at this point.  So, my day is clearly NOT bringing me peace.  And the small victory of balancing the checkbook that has been neglected since January isn't enough to evoke this feeling. The only explanation for this feeling is prayer.  There is a common denominator in every conversation I've had lately.  "I'm praying for you."  That is the phrase I hear most often. 
Confession:
I pray.  Every day.  But, I don't know if I ever realized how powerful it is.  I've been guilty of saying, "oh, i'll pray for you." and then sending up a quick prayer and forgetting about it two minutes later.  For those times, I am genuinely sorry.  I didn't realize the power I held in  my heart to stand up for someone's situation and go before God to petition for help.  This experience has shown me that God does hear our prayers.  I will forever be thankful to those of you that have lifted up our family in prayer.  I know that is what's responsible for this wonderful feeling of peace in the middle of stormy waters.  I am making a commitment to pray with more urgency...to pray with more resolve...
Here is my first prayer.  It is for all of you, reading this.  It is taken from Ephesians 3.  May God bless you with peace today.  And may He continue to give us grace...since I'm sure I'll need it tomorrow when I'm begging for peace again. :)
¹⁴ For this reason I kneel before the Father, ¹⁵ from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. ¹⁶ I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷ so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸ may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.  ²⁰ Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

The Little Engine that Could:

This is taken from an early edition of the story, "The Little Engine that Could".

"A little railroad engine was employed about a station yard for such work as it was built for, pulling a few cars on and off the switches. One morning it was waiting for the next call when a long train of freight-cars asked a large engine in the roundhouse to take it over the hill "I can't; that is too much a pull for me," said the great engine built for hard work. Then the train asked another engine, and another, only to hear excuses and be refused. In desperation, the train asked the little switch engine to draw it up the grade and down on the other side. "I think I can," puffed the little locomotive, and put itself in front of the great heavy train. As it went on the little engine kept bravely puffing faster and faster, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."
As it neared the top of the grade, which had so discouraged the larger engines, it went more slowly. However, it still kept saying, "I--think--I--can, I--think--I--can." It reached the top by drawing on bravery and then went on down the grade, congratulating itself by saying, "I thought I could, I thought I could."

First of all, I want to say thank you for the encouraging and transparent responses to the last post.  In my honest pouring out of what truly goes on inside the mind of a follower of Christ, it is easy to think that I am the only one with these hidden feelings. I will forever be grateful to those of you brave enough to share with me your own struggles with jealousy.

I'm an avoid-er!  If I sense conflict, I will run the other way.  I've admitted that before.  Well, last night, I came face to face with a situation that I would like to run from.  I know I've alluded to it before.  I have so many blog posts staring me down about adoption and God's heartbeat and all that stuff.  So, literally two hours before the tornado hit, I signed us up to volunteer at Winter Jam.  For those of you that don't know about Winter Jam, I'll tell ya.  It is a concert that has several dates all over the US.  It is sponsored by our adoption agency, Holt International. One of the goals of the night is to get sponsors for orphaned children.  The money raised offsets the costs of education, nutrition, medical care, and daily care.  Last year, we signed up as sponsors.  This year, we signed up to work.  It just felt right.  But now it feels wrong.

My heart is in a really weird place.  Daily life is so stressful.  Our kids are needier than ever before.  My husband is busier than ever before and our routine has been shattered. If my kids' teachers didn't know the situation, I'm pretty sure they would be worried that I'd become a crack addict.  Library book?  What library book?   Bringing in a special needs child from another Country sounds like the equivalent of running over myself with my own car right now.  I'm wondering how God could put a desire on my heart for over twelve years and then in the middle of the journey I could lose all faith in it.   My husband is forcing me to keep my commitment.  I will be at the sponsorship table on Friday night.  Who knows...maybe God will use the night to soften my heart.  There is an inner struggle right now.  And I am finding that for the first time in a very long time, my faith is taking effort.  It is easy to sing a song, listen to an encouraging sermon and go home to a nap and a boring Sunday.  It is infinitely more difficult to walk against the wind of doubt with hands raised, saying, "Not my will, but yours, Lord!"  I feel less like the Eagle flying over the mountains right now and more like the little engine.  "I think I can, I think I can."  The difference in my story is that bravery isn't enough to get me over the steep grade.  Only the hand of a very patient Savior will be able to achieve that.  He will have to keep pushing me ever so gently to get me to the top.  And hopefully, as I am sailing down the grade toward "home", I'll be smiling and shouting, "I knew WE could, I knew WE could."

Hey, Jealousy

Jealousy is a terrible companion on the road of restoration.  Please tell me I am not the only one that struggles with this.  My downward spiral began after reading someone's blog last night.  I want to completely exonerate the author.  This particular person has had many struggles and deserves her blessings right now.  But, for some reason, it really sent me over the edge.  I have always been the kind of person that celebrates the success of others.  I want good things for everyone's life.  But, deep down...there is a seed of envy that is always threatening to grow into a field of angry weeds.  The particular text that watered that seed last night was about someone's amazing fortune of late.  It was such an amazing list that I began to expect the proclamation to include the fact that they now poop skittles.  Why was it so hard for me to read so many great things about someone else?  Truthfully, I think it is because I felt like the blessings for this person were a result of her obedience to God.  It was almost as if I could see God pouring out blessing after blessing on someone and then the dreaded question came to my mind:  "Why isn't that me?"  We were being obedient.  We were following a plan.  We were going to add a fifth child to our home by adopting.  If you look back to oh, say, my first post...it is pretty clear that it was something we were called to do.  Now what?  Adoption?  I can't even go there right now.  My heart feels hard toward it.  My home?  Ummmm, it is a bunch of two by fours.  My stuff?  It is a nightmare of insulation covered crap in three pods.  My brain?  Well, I left my car running for an hour while I was inside a friends house yesterday...ooops.  My kids?  Fight all day, cry all night.  Three of them are in therapy now.  My marriage?  I'm spending more time with my contractor than my husband.  My sleep?  What sleep?  My weight?  Congratulations!  I've now achieved my pregnancy weight with Andrew.  My faith?  Barely hanging by a thread.  I want to believe that God has a plan.  But, right now I'm just too tired to care.  So, yeah...I'm kind of jealous when I read that other people are bathing in God's blessings.  It just makes me feel like crying.  But, instead, I'm going to go take a shower.  I'll try to find some pants that fit, cover my scar with make-up, slap on a smile and get ready to tackle the day.  I have four kids.  Swimming in self pity isn't an option today.  I'll try to stifle the jealousy and I'll count my blessings.  I'll start with the two that are playing basketball behind me while I type.  And who knows...maybe one day I'll start pooping skittles too! :)

Are we there yet????

I think my dad has permanent vein damage from hearing that question on every family vacation.  How many of us at least think that phrase during most life experiences?  My downfall (well, one anyway...) is to constantly look to the endgame.  Forget dating...when are we getting married?  Forget pregnancy...when will the baby get here.  Forget saving money...let's buy a big dream house.  Forget growth...let's just get to the part where I'm super mature! :)  I have to be honest.  When I started this blog, I wasn't really thinking about the "journey" portion of it.  In fact, I'm not all that stoked about touring the Great Wall.  For me, from the first post, I was already holding our little girl and headed back to "life".  So, I ponder the title I chose several months ago.  It was an innocent me.  It was the me that had no idea that her "journey" would take such a turn.  I was focused on the endgame...not the journey.  So, the timeline on the side of the blog is frozen.  Can't finish the homestudy without a home.  I wait.  Waiting is not something I'm good at!  Ask my husband. ;)  But, I must have more to learn than I ever anticipated.  This pruning process hurts.  I'm taking my six-year old to therapy today because he's having trouble coping with our new normal and the lasting images of our devastation.  How will this shape who he is? Again, I find myself wanting to fast forward to normal.  When I was in the emergency room and they were assessing my injuries, I remember thinking the strangest thing.  I actually thought, "I really don't feel like doing this right now.  I'd rather skip it."  As if I even had that option.  I guess that speaks to the core of who I am.  I told you I was a flight rather than fight girl.  That could discourage me.  What a wimp!  But, when I think of it a little harder, something else occurs to me.  I'm still here.  I'm still fighting for my faith...fighting for my marriage...fighting for my family...fighting for a small orphan across the globe.  I am a fighter.  I may not want to be, but with the total grace of Christ, I keep fighting.  I'm wearing His armor and fighting along with him.  Deep down, I'll still ask, "are we there yet?"  But I am certain that I'll hang on until we are!  And hopefully, I'll come out on the other side a better person.  At the very least, I'll have some pretty amazing stories of God's love.

A new set of eyes

One of the most beautiful parts of our journey of life center around the people we meet.  And I have found that EVERYONE has a story.  Lately, I am spending some time thinking about my approach to these life stories.  People are complicated creatures.  We have the amazing ability to endure crisis and keep moving forward.  Most of the time, no one would even know what we've experienced.  I have noticed there is a strange phenomenon surrounding our interactions.  I can't tell you how many times I've been at a store having a boring, normal exchange with a clerk and wanted to scream, "Do you see my scar?  Do you know how it got there?  Do you know that I can't go home and that I held my babies while witnessing nature's horror?"  You see, the great thing about physical wounds is that (with several exceptions) they heal.  And the weight you carry in your heart is not evident to those around you.  But, the emotional stuff...well, that is a different story.  That keeps bubbling up to the surface.  I drove into my subdivision last night to drop something off at the house.  As I was driving in, the thought hit me that all of the people in my neighborhood were home.  I'm sure that the storm three weeks ago is a distant memory for many of them.  Their lives have returned to normal.  And that just reinforced that ours hasn't.  We returned last night to our rental home.  We did our bedtime routine that is roughly three times longer than it ever was before.  And at about 1am, I had my first visitor.  B couldn't sleep.  He was scared.  So he climbed in bed with me.  B needed to talk a bit...to know he was safe.  So we transferred into his bed.  We slept for a bit and then Z came in.  "Mom, I don't want to bother you, but I'm really freaked out."  So, while I was taking him to the kitchen to get a drink, Noodle was on his way into our bedroom and I found him sleeping in my spot.  It turns out that Noodle was having a tornado nightmare (where I got hit on the head with a car, yikes!) and he was crying in his sleep and Z was trying to wake him up.  From 3am to 4am, Z, Noodle and I had a little therapy session.  They finally went to sleep and I went back to my bed.  B showed up shortly after.  Talk about musical beds.  I was thinking that it would have been funny to video our night, put it on fast-forward and watch all of us running around all night.
So, all of this leads me to the title of the blog.  This experience has caused me to look at my friends with new eyes.  I think about the pain they carry.  I think about the faithful way they continue in their walk with God.  I think of friends that have lost children, friends that have had miscarriages, friends that have lost their parents, or siblings,  friends that have had life-altering accidents, friends battling cancer, friends that have witnessed the horrific murder of their dear pastor.  There are so many people walking this road.  I now wonder if they feel sadness when they see other people blindly going on with their lives.  Does it get to them?  Do they ever want to scream, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?"  "DO YOU EVEN SEE ME?"  I remember when I was going through a Beth Moore Bible study called "The Patriarchs".  In Genesis 16 Abram's servant, Hagar, was hiding in the desert from Sarai.  Things were not going well for Hagar.  She unwittingly became part of Abram and Sarai's plan to get the promised descendants in their own way.  Because of their impatience, Hagar was now pregnant with Abram's baby and Sarai was jealous!  Who says the Bible is boring?  So, during one of Hagar's lowest points, an Angel of the Lord speaks to her to let her know that God sees her pain.  Hagar then gives God a name.   I am pretty sure she is the only chic in the Bible to ever give the Holy of Holies a name.  She calls him, "The God who sees me."  This is a huge turning point in her life and it impacted me greatly.  God sees us.  He sees our pain.  When the world is moving on and forgetting our story, God knows it deeply.  He cries with us and he holds us during the long frightening nights while the rest of the world sleeps.  He is the God who sees us.  That brings me comfort.  I hope it comforts my friends.  I know I am going to make a more concerted effort to honor the life stories of the people God has brought into my life.  My prayer is that I can encourage them and point them to the one that holds us as we carry the crosses we've been given.

"Yeah, so we would like to NOT do *that* again."

Oh yeah...That title is in quotes because it is a quote from yours truly that appeared in the hometown paper last week.  If I tried to sound like more of an idiot, I couldn't.  I think it might be payback for all of the eyewittness accounts I've made fun of in the past.  You know, when there is a crime committed in a neighborhood and the eyewitness stands in front of the camera saying something like, " I had no idea he was a murderer.  He just seemed so quiet and really kept to himself." 
The lesson I learned is that sarcasm (which is a terrible habit of mine) does not translate well to print.  It looks like I  need to take some lessons from my eloquent husband on how to interview with the paper.  He did an outstanding job.  He continues to impress me with his ability to handle this stress and deal with all the details.  I can't imagine walking this road with anyone but him by my side.  If it was even possible, through this event, he has become an even more amazing support and friend to me.  God knew what he was doing when he created marriage. 
So, here is where we're at...for all of the inquiring minds.  We spent all afternoon yesterday cleaning up the debris field that extended through three of our neighbor's yards.  Our contractor was going to get around to it at some point.  But, their grass was starting to die and we don't want to upset our neighbors.  So, several of our amazing neighbors and friends helped us remove our entire roof from where it has been sitting since Feb. 28.  When we got home, Hubby kept talking about how insane it was to see everyone working so hard.  No one would take a break.  They just kept trucking.  It was pretty awesome.  Our home has been gutted down to the studs on both the first and second floor.  The new roof is on and they are in the process of putting the shingles on.  We had them remove the wood burning fireplace.  We've decided that we don't use it enough to fix it up again.  In a way, it feels better to go into our home now than it did at the beginning.  Currently, it looks nothing like it did when we lived there.  It is becoming easier to see it as our home again as we watch the process of tearing down and building up.  It is weird to think that the home we move back into will be more beautiful than the one we lost.
I have applied this same view to my Spiritual journey.  I truly believed (before this happened) that we had a pretty good understanding of God's work in our lives.  We were learning and growing and trying to live in obedience.  But, this process has been a complete gutting of who I am.  It has made me question everything I believe.  When I was at the emergency room I had some time by myself.  Hubby had to run back to the house and grab a few things before the caution tape went up.  I was trying to reconcile the fact that since I am a Christian, I am sealed.  And everything that happens to me has passed through the filter of God.  Nothing can touch me that He doesn't allow.  It is difficult to understand why God allows us to feel pain.  I was trying to make sense of it and (as usual) figure out what He was doing in this whole mess.  But, as time has passed, I have seen so many great things.  I trust that His plan is perfect...and that He is faithful.  The hope that I am holding onto is that God trusted us to remain faithful and He knew that this event would open our eyes in a way that they haven't been open before.  He is building beauty from ashes.  He is changing us and we will be more Christlike because of it.
So, while I appreciate this journey.  My quote remains the same.  "We would like to not do that again!"
Thank you, dear friends, for the supportive comments, the prayers, food and gifts.  You have been faithful friends and have helped us keep moving forward. Please pray for our kindergartner.  He is really struggling through this more than the others.  We are beginning therapy with him this week.  Please pray that it will be helpful.
love you all!
jill

All things new.

Isaiah 43:18-19 “Forget the former things;
   do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
   Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
   and streams in the wasteland.

I am sitting outside.  The sun is shining, the breeze is blowing and it is warm.  Today is healing.  It feels like a new day.  Have you ever noticed how possibilities seem endless on sunny warm days?  My son is climbing on the playground equipment in his spider man boots.  They are snow boots.  He has tennis shoes.  But he prefers these.  Secretly, I think he has a small attachment to them since he told me yesterday that after the tornado, daddy yelled, "GET YOUR SHOES!!" Referring to his snow boots, he said," I picked these."  I will never be privy to the way my children are processing this event.  I can see glimpses once in a while.  And I can make a thousand assumptions.  But, I may never really understand how this is shaping them.  This is probably the thing I struggle with the most.  I know that the house will be rebuilt and life will begin to feel more normal.  But, I worry about my children.  I am a proactive parent.  You give me a parenting issue, and I can tell you what book I've read and what knowledge I've gleaned. But, there is no book for this.  There is no manual.  For the first time since my oldest child was placed in my arms, I am at a complete loss as to what to do. 
There is something else you should know about me.  I am very good at painting pictures of Egypt.  I am very certain that if I had been among the Israelites, that I too, would have wandered in the desert talking about the "good ole days".  I've been stuck in a weird mode lately.  I've been careful not to cling to anything new.  Instead, I find myself glamorizing the old.  The moment I start fondly reminiscing about my old kitchen linoleum, please plan an intervention.  I don't want to look back.  I want to look forward with anticipation.  I want to expect great things.  So, this morning, when I was driving back from taking the kids to school, I had a great phrase run through my mind.  And I'm sure that God put it there.  "I make all things new."  I know there is scripture in Revelations referring to that.  But, I found this beautiful scripture from Isaiah that spoke to where I need to be.  I have seen beautiful things rise out of destruction.  We've learned how truly loving our family and friends are.
I don't really know how I feel about the adoption right now. This really put the brakes on my enthusiasm.  To be completely honest, it would be easy to walk away right now.  We are financially invested.  We are emotionally invested.  But, the injured part of me wants to touch bitterness...maybe even hold it. 
Last night, I started reading a Diego book to my youngest two kids.  The older two wandered in and sat on the floor next to us.  After reading, we spent some time talking.  They shared things that were difficult to hear...mostly because it affirms that they are hurting.  But, before bed, we went around the room and did our popcorn prayers.  Everybody pops up a short prayer.  Guess what they prayed for.  They all prayed for their baby sister in China...that she would be safe and that she would love us.  It was such a tender moment of selflessness in an otherwise chaotic and self-focused time.  It softened my heart to hear the genuine care they have for someone they've never even met.  So, this led me to the scripture in Isaiah.  "Forget the former things.  Do not dwell on the past."..."See, I am doing a new thing." 
I am excited to see what "new thing" God will do through this.  I am excited to know his heart more and for others to see His great love in the midst of tragedy.  I will hold on for this new thing.  I will stop looking back and I will embrace His new plan.  He is faithful!

Tired and Weary

I have an exhaustion that reaches to my bones.  I feel it in my heart and I feel it in my soul.  When supportive people say, "How are you doing?"  My response is, "good."  But that is a lie.  I detest whining.  I have always been a "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" kind of girl.  But I don't even know where my bootstraps are.  They could be in a tree behind my house for all I know.  I am in a nice neighborhood with lovely neighbors right now, but i just want to hermit down and hide inside.  My four wonderful children survived a tornado.  So, when I get frustrated because they are jumping on my last nerve, I feel guilty. They have so much baggage right now.  They are all struggling.  But, I don't know if I have the strength to help them.  We are in a nice temporary home.  I should be grateful.  But, I just want to go to my home....the home before the tornado.  I want my boring life back.  I want to be overwhelmed by laundry, not a broken home and devastated children.  My kids sleep with me.  So, I haven't had good sleep.  Someone asked me if I've had any nightmares since the event.  Nope...I can never get deep enough into sleep to even dream.  And the husband that was rarely home because of work before, is here even less now.  He is stressed and tired and frustrated.  I feel like crying, but I'm sick of crying.  I know God has purpose in pain.  But, I want to hit the pause button.  I need a break from pain.  I'm tired.  I'm weary.  And I know I'm not the only one.  I know everyone has their own pain.  So, instead of wallowing in my own sadness, I'll pray for all of us.  I'll pray that God gives us the strength to just keep breathing...just keep trusting...just keep walking forward.

Pursuit- more like a journey toward peace.

"Won't you be...my neighbor"

                                           The youngest boys' room

                                                           Our room

                                                        The older boys' room

I have sweet memories of Mr. Rogers singing that song on PBS when I was a child.  Today, it has real meaning for me.These words are found in Mark 12: 30-31
" Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”

February 27, was a great day.  We had been to church that morning and had amazing worship and teaching.  Our lesson that day was on honoring God with everything we have, because it all belongs to Him anyway.  All we have is His.  The afternoon was filled with family time.  We played with the kids, worked on getting the house ready for our adoption inspection, Hubby and I went on a walk together, holding hands and sharing our excitement over God's plan for the adoption and our family.  We did devotions together, prayed and watched "The Amazing Race" as a family.  We put the kids to bed together...it was chaos as usual.  They were all wired and running around.  Hubby and I knew we needed to finish up some work in the basement and we were tired.  We wanted to get to bed shortly after the kids.  B had been sick the night before, so he was really nervous about being away from us.  He didn't want to sleep on his top bunk.  He wanted to sleep in our room.  But, we bartered with him and allowed him to sleep on his mattress on the floor of his bedroom next to D-Dog.  Then, if he got sick or scared, he could book it into our room without having to climb down a ladder.  We got them settled in, finished up our work and checked the weather.  Slight risk of storms...maybe pea sized hail.  Okay, we thought...doesn't sound too serious.  We went up to bed.  The night was warm, so we left our bedroom window open.  Hubby and I talked about the upcoming week and we slipped off to sleep.  It was 10:30.  
At around 11:45, Hubby bolted out of bed and it woke me up.  He started screaming, "get the kids." I jumped up and grabbed my glasses off the table beside me.  I could hear the wind beating our house.  As cliche as it sounds, it was like the steady deafening roar of train cars.  I think I screamed, "is this real?" as I ran out of the room toward the youngest boys' room.  Hubby ran down the hall to get our older two boys from their room.  The only mission in my mind, was to get my family to the basement.  My brain was on hyper sensitivity.  I remember EVERY detail so clearly.  I could hear the beating of the wind getting louder and my house was starting to shake.  I knew in my heart that we would not make it in time.  I bent down and grabbed my youngest children.  One in each arm.  I turned and stood to run out of the room and toward the stairs, but I don't think I made it two steps.  In only a second, I felt myself (and my babies) leave the ground and then slam back into it.  I would find out later, that the F2 tornado ripped my roof off, as well as a side of the garage.  The ceiling separated and slammed down on my head breaking into pieces.  Part of our ceiling flew out of the room with the roof, and part of it stayed on the kids and I.  As the tornado passed, I was on the ground, sucking in drywall and insulation and screaming at my babies to hide their faces as I gripped them with everything in me.  The broken drywall had formed a teepee above my face and it was flapping violently in front of my face.  I could tell it was open above me because it was raining on my face.  I remember thinking that the odds of all six of us making it out alive were not good.  I became convinced that I would probably die.  I knew I was hurt.  I didn't know how bad.  But, in that moment, I remember thinking, "Does everyone get this moment before they die?"  Where they are aware that it is coming and they feel peace?  I was overcome with an amazing peace and I think I even said out loud, "my soul is ready...my soul is okay."  But, God was not ready to take any of us yet.  After the tornado passed, B slipped out of my arms and tried to get away.  I screamed at him to stay with me.  I was convinced that another tornado was coming.  I couldn't figure out how to get out of the room.  Drywall was blocking the door.  But, Toby the amazing ( I knew we adopted him for a reason) squeezed through a space on the floor to come into the room and we realized we could squeeze out there toward the hallway.  I pushed the kids through, B got scraped.  As I was leaning over, I thought rain was falling heavily on my face.  But when I wiped it away, I saw that I was covered in my own blood.  I screamed for my husband.  I thought he was dead.  But after a moment, he screamed back, "WE ARE ALL ALIVE.  ARE YOU OKAY?"  I yelled that we were alive, but I was hurt.  I felt like vomiting and fainting.  We made it to the basement and I was vomiting and bleeding.  My husband cut the power and tried to cut the gas.  He had narrowly escaped from his own experience (which is His story to tell) and he was thinking of us.  We made it outside.  We had to duck out of our garage.  It was destroyed and our cars were stuck.  My neighbor came out at the same time we did.  Her house was untouched.  Her family was safe.  She took my traumatized children and our dog and gave us her keys.  Hubby took me to the hospital.  The whole way there is a blur to me.  I don't know if I stayed conscious during that time.  But, they cleaned me up to assess my injuries.  Amazingly, after scans and x-rays, it was determined that I had contusions, a massive concussion, and a 9cm laceration to my head.  But no other injuries.  The rest is a serious blur of pain, Demerol, doctors, nurses, my husbands tears, and exhaustion.  
Since the tornado, we have been overwhelmed.  We knew we loved a lot of people.  We didn't know how many of them loved us back.  So many family, friends and neighbors have met needs we didn't see coming.  We've been covered in prayer, phone calls, concern, love, gifts, money, food, hugs, comfort, and more. Our hearts are amazed at the way God has made Himself real to us through this.  He held us in those rooms while the tornado tried to take our security.  He holds us through the arms of our family and friends, while the enemy whispers, "Why you?"  "Why was yours the only house hit?"  And He covers us with light and peace during the nightmares in the dark.  We understand the command Jesus gave to "love your neighbor as yourself."  We have been the blessed recipients of this great love.  Sometimes I struggle with the fact that we don't deserve this level of love from everyone in our community.  Someone said to me, "everyone wants to help because you are such good people."  I think people are helping because THEY are good people.  And God is using them to heal our hearts.  I was walking in my backyard the other day looking for any small treasure we may have missed in clean-up.  The man that now has my roof in his yard asked me, "Don't you think it is strange that your house was the only one destroyed?  What do you think that means?"  Yeah...I know...his sensitivity overwhelmed me too!  Yes.  It is difficult not to take that one personally.  Especially when you feel like you are living in obedience to God and then in a few seconds, your life is altered, and your security is shattered.  My response to this man was simply, "Maybe our home got hit because God knew that we would still be faithful."  Isn't that what it really comes down to?  Will we still be faithful?  He is walking with us regardless.  Do we trust him in the middle of the storm?  Or only in the sunshine?  This is not fun.  My new Harry Potter look is not sexy.  Six people living in a hotel is not easy.  Giving up "normal" is not my first choice.  But, as God continues to hold us and love us, my resolve is strong.  I may have very rough days ahead, but I am blessed with the lives of my husband and children.  We are closer than ever before.  The adoption will happen, we just have to trust the timing.  Our family and friends have proven themselves to be of greater value than gold.  And I have my faith.  I have Christ.  I leave you with the lyrics to my favorite song of the moment.  Please read them and be encouraged.  God is Good!  He is faithful!  He will provide for our every need!  Thank you, dear friends and family.  You will probably never know how much you mean to me.  My prayers at night are of thanksgiving for all of you and your very generous hearts.

"Carry Me" - Audrey Assad

Pain is a forest we all get lost in
Between the branches hope can be so hard to see
And in the darkness we've all got questions
We're all just trying to make sense out of suffering but

You say I am blessed because of this
So, I choose to believe
As I carry this cross, You'll carry me
Help me believe it

Fear is a current we all get caught in
And in its motion faith can be so hard to find
And we all falter 'cause we're all broken
We're all just trying to turn the shadows into light but

You get glory in the midst of this
And You're walking with me
And you say I am blessed because of this
So, I choose to believe
As I carry this cross, You'll carry me

And I know Your promises are faithful
And God, I've seen Your goodness in my life
And oh, I've found Your mercy is a river
Your love is an ocean wide

You say I am blessed because of this
You get glory in the midst of this
And You're walking with me

And You say I am blessed because of this
So, I choose to believe
As I carry this cross, as I carry this cross

'Cause as I carry this cross, You'll carry me

You'll carry me, God
You'll carry me
And Your love is an ocean wide