I had a great conversation with a dear college friend yesterday. She had some wonderful news to share with me. As she was talking, though, I found myself growing bitter. You know, the kind of bitter that smiles and says, "Wow! That is so wonderful for you." and thinks, "Where's MY charmed life?" Obviously, things were seriously skewed in my mind. Things have not always been smooth for my friend. She has had her bright and dark moments. Through the good, bad and ugly, she has followed hard after Christ. He has her heart and she is committed to Him. This commitment makes her a fantastic wife, mom and Christian. Her commitment to the heart of God led her and her husband to Nepal to adopt their son...even though the Country was in the middle of political strife and they had to pass through armed guards to get to their child. Oh yeah, and all transportation workers were on strike the whole time. Sounds charmed, doesn't it? :)
This friend was very gracious as I lamented over the hardships of the past year. As I whined about our adoption woes and our tornado and anything else I could think of...she listened. I complained about how rotten it felt to open your heart up and say, "Yes, Lord!" and find that the path is filled with difficulty. Why is our path so hard and others seem to have an easy road? Why do we keep hitting obstacles and others seem to flawlessly walk the path God lays out. And seriously...WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE????
And then she said something that stopped me in my tracks.
"It's not a race, girl" "You're not in a competition with other Christ followers."
Wait! That is so true. I am not in a race toward adoption against other believers. I'm not in a competition to have the best story when we're sitting around the campfire with Jesus. This is my story....that is theirs. My story will be filled with God's direction. (leading me out of my bad choices and toward my amazing husband). My story will be filled with God's beauty. (creating four beautiful babies with said husband). My story will be filled with God's grace. (the wonderful family and friends we have). My story will be filled with God's protection. (as our house came apart around us and God's hands were over us...holding us inside the building and keeping us alive) And my story will be filled with God's refinement. Every day He is trying to mold me into something that resembles my Savior. And God is very persistent. I'm pretty sure that my brand of clay is very difficult to mold.
Today, I will try to accept my story. It might not always be a smooth one and I might fall along the way. But it is a God story. However it turns out...with a China adoption, or an adoption out of foster care...or (gasp) both! God will be in it and my story will be His story. That is a story I can accept!
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
The day after Christmas...
I fell in love with my kids all over again yesterday. Christmas was wonderful! My favorite part of the morning was watching them unwrap presents they had lovingly chosen for each other. It truly is more blessed to give than receive. As each boy announced the gift they were about to open was from D-Dog, D would loudly proclaim, "YOU ARE TOTALLY WELCOME! You're gonna love it!" Never mind that it cost a dollar at Dollar General. Children really do have such an advantage over us sometimes. It was so much fun as a mom to sit back and just enjoy each thing about my children. I loved watching the sweet way that Z would smile and go overboard thanking everyone. I laughed at D-Dog announcing each present with the toy microphone he got. I saw my sweet little B holding his new stuffed animal with such care and pride. And I saw the spark in Noodle's eye as he opened his ripstick. "I WILL CONQUER THIS!" was written on his face. And by evening...he had conquered it! :)
I sat back and enjoyed each child. I thought about what a crazy year it has been for them. I thought about how Christmas isn't about going into debt to buy the latest and greatest techno gadget. It is about love. It is about Jesus and it is about giving of yourself.
The wrapping paper and empty boxes have been hauled away by the garbage company. The bullets from the nerf war are stuck all over my house. And I am one of the most fortunate women on the face of the Earth.
I hope you were able to sit back and reflect on how much God adores you this Christmas. In the same way that I sat back and enjoyed each one of my children, He watches over us with even more love and affection. My goal during the next year is to try and show that kind of love to everyone around me. :)
I sat back and enjoyed each child. I thought about what a crazy year it has been for them. I thought about how Christmas isn't about going into debt to buy the latest and greatest techno gadget. It is about love. It is about Jesus and it is about giving of yourself.
The wrapping paper and empty boxes have been hauled away by the garbage company. The bullets from the nerf war are stuck all over my house. And I am one of the most fortunate women on the face of the Earth.
I hope you were able to sit back and reflect on how much God adores you this Christmas. In the same way that I sat back and enjoyed each one of my children, He watches over us with even more love and affection. My goal during the next year is to try and show that kind of love to everyone around me. :)
Friday, December 23, 2011
I'll take Grace with a side of Mercy, please!
I hit my husband's car last night. Yes! It is the first accident for me. And sadly, it involved both of our cars. I backed out (completely forgot his car was there) and swiped the side. I scraped and dented the back of the van and the front of his car. I ripped off his side mirror and broke my taillight cover. After he got over his shock, you know what he said? "I'm just glad you weren't in a bad accident. This, we can handle." I have to admit that I felt terrible about messing up our cars (for which we only carry liability...yikes!) But, I was overwhelmed at the grace and love he showed me afterwards. He is now the proud owner of a duct taped side mirror. And he is freezing his butt off now fixing my taillight. In the middle of my post-accident hysterics, I almost said, "well, looks like we're going to have to get that 15 seat van now." Something tells me it was smart to keep that joke to myself!
This is a season of amazing grace. God became a human to extend grace in its purest and most generous form. Because I accepted this gift, my life will forever be changed! Friends extend grace to me on a daily basis. I know I'm not always easy to love. When I don't return that call, or that text, or that smile. I know that the people that keep trying are showing me a grace I don't deserve. Everyone involved in the adoption process has surely shown me grace since I haven't seen any restraining orders out against me. I've nearly driven my social workers crazy! :)
Today it was my turn. Today I braided sweet blonde hair. And thank goodness she was only 4 and had no idea that I can't braid to save my life. Today I snuggled six different kids throughout the day. Today I heard stories and held hands and fed children that were born to me and children that were not. Today, I had the amazing honor of comforting a sweet little girl as she had blood drawn. This little one is an innocent victim of the sins of the world and I got to be a mama to her today. It grew my heart, it was hard work and it scared the crap out of me. What if God puts this on my plate for good? Can I do it? Will I always be exhausted? Do I have the capacity to love six little people? Or will I say "yes" and the door to this will close? Will I still end up on a plane to China in a few months? I don't know any of the answers. And to be honest with you...I've stopped asking these questions of God. This morning as I got ready for the day, I prayed, "Lord, let me love like crazy today. Whatever happens, let me show your grace and your love." I now know that I don't need to ask for a specific outcome. If I open my hands, God will fill them the way he wants. I trust that! I'm still trembling a little at the unknown. But, I trust Him.
Merry Christmas, my dear friends. May you be surrounded by love and grace during this beautiful season!
This is a season of amazing grace. God became a human to extend grace in its purest and most generous form. Because I accepted this gift, my life will forever be changed! Friends extend grace to me on a daily basis. I know I'm not always easy to love. When I don't return that call, or that text, or that smile. I know that the people that keep trying are showing me a grace I don't deserve. Everyone involved in the adoption process has surely shown me grace since I haven't seen any restraining orders out against me. I've nearly driven my social workers crazy! :)
Today it was my turn. Today I braided sweet blonde hair. And thank goodness she was only 4 and had no idea that I can't braid to save my life. Today I snuggled six different kids throughout the day. Today I heard stories and held hands and fed children that were born to me and children that were not. Today, I had the amazing honor of comforting a sweet little girl as she had blood drawn. This little one is an innocent victim of the sins of the world and I got to be a mama to her today. It grew my heart, it was hard work and it scared the crap out of me. What if God puts this on my plate for good? Can I do it? Will I always be exhausted? Do I have the capacity to love six little people? Or will I say "yes" and the door to this will close? Will I still end up on a plane to China in a few months? I don't know any of the answers. And to be honest with you...I've stopped asking these questions of God. This morning as I got ready for the day, I prayed, "Lord, let me love like crazy today. Whatever happens, let me show your grace and your love." I now know that I don't need to ask for a specific outcome. If I open my hands, God will fill them the way he wants. I trust that! I'm still trembling a little at the unknown. But, I trust Him.
Merry Christmas, my dear friends. May you be surrounded by love and grace during this beautiful season!
Monday, December 19, 2011
This message brought to you by Scrooge...:)
Navigating traffic at the mall
A bumpy camel ride toward Bethlehem
Waiting to get the perfect gift you asked your spouse to get you
Waiting for the only gift that can secure your place in Heaven
A million lights on and around the house
A dark smelly barn and a feeding trough
Surrounded by family and friends
Surrounded by Angels
A huge debt to Visa
A debt wiped out by God
"Me, Me, Me"
"Them, Them, Them"
I've finally put my finger on the exact struggle in my heart. There are two Christmases going on simultaneously. One is consumer driven and all about my happiness. The other one is swelling my heart toward greater purpose. How do we balance them both? How can two completely different stories reside in the same book? Or....are we expected to refuse one and embrace the other? Heavy thoughts for a Monday morning. And I don't have the answers. I really want to hear what my friends have to say. I'm looking for feedback. How do you, my wonderful friends, balance this? I'm really struggling this year.
A bumpy camel ride toward Bethlehem
Waiting to get the perfect gift you asked your spouse to get you
Waiting for the only gift that can secure your place in Heaven
A million lights on and around the house
A dark smelly barn and a feeding trough
Surrounded by family and friends
Surrounded by Angels
A huge debt to Visa
A debt wiped out by God
"Me, Me, Me"
"Them, Them, Them"
I've finally put my finger on the exact struggle in my heart. There are two Christmases going on simultaneously. One is consumer driven and all about my happiness. The other one is swelling my heart toward greater purpose. How do we balance them both? How can two completely different stories reside in the same book? Or....are we expected to refuse one and embrace the other? Heavy thoughts for a Monday morning. And I don't have the answers. I really want to hear what my friends have to say. I'm looking for feedback. How do you, my wonderful friends, balance this? I'm really struggling this year.
Friday, December 16, 2011
The Messy Ones...
The other night, hubby and I were feeling especially heavy hearted about little ones without families. You see, we actually have a couple of options before us on this journey of redemption. Both are tugging equally at our hearts. Either story would consume our time, love, and energy. As we wait on the Lord to speak his plan into our hearts, we are prayerful and humbled. One evening this week, hubby and I were especially broken. When he got home from work late, we sat together and prayed over these small children. God loves them so much. He has amazing plans for their lives. In a way, you could say we "put the fleece out". Just like the story of Gideon, we prayed and asked God to make himself clear to us. We put before him our China adoption and the other situation that has presented itself. We asked God to show us which path he wanted us to walk down. It was such a great time of prayer. I felt so connected to my husband and so connected to our Father. We are very careful not to test God. We know that faith means walking forward when you don't have all of the answers. But, we earnestly wanted God to show us how to move forward.
The next day, I got some INCREDIBLE news about our Homestudy. We're still waiting on the birth record issue with hubby. But, we will have an answer by next week on that one too. But, something happened with the other opportunity as well and my heart was once again on this story. When hubby got home last night, I told him all that had transpired. Then came the next statement. "ummmmmmm, what if God asks us to do both?" I will say that for that to happen, God will have to park at least a 10 passenger van outside my house.
I could hear the words..."to whom much is given, much is expected."
What would that look like? My parents would flip! :) I'm not saying it will happen. We're praying for God's will in it.
Can you imagine, though? Loud dinner times, forever cooking, never-ending laundry, all of those people to bathe. No one would ever invite us over again. We'd be the ones with the messy hair, the messy house, the messy car. I already feel like it is a struggle to get things done around here. My desire to present the picture that we've got it all together would be futile. Everyone would see us as a MESS! But, would they see Jesus in us? Because at the end of the day, that is all that matters.
The next day, I got some INCREDIBLE news about our Homestudy. We're still waiting on the birth record issue with hubby. But, we will have an answer by next week on that one too. But, something happened with the other opportunity as well and my heart was once again on this story. When hubby got home last night, I told him all that had transpired. Then came the next statement. "ummmmmmm, what if God asks us to do both?" I will say that for that to happen, God will have to park at least a 10 passenger van outside my house.
I could hear the words..."to whom much is given, much is expected."
What would that look like? My parents would flip! :) I'm not saying it will happen. We're praying for God's will in it.
Can you imagine, though? Loud dinner times, forever cooking, never-ending laundry, all of those people to bathe. No one would ever invite us over again. We'd be the ones with the messy hair, the messy house, the messy car. I already feel like it is a struggle to get things done around here. My desire to present the picture that we've got it all together would be futile. Everyone would see us as a MESS! But, would they see Jesus in us? Because at the end of the day, that is all that matters.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
By Faith...
It has been my experience during my walk with Christ that He is very clear. I can usually discern His direction for me based on doors opening and closing. That is a very "churchy" way of saying that "if it don't come easy...let it go!" If it is the right move, everything will fall into place and I'll just know. Now, I'm not sure if that is sound theology. But, I've often used that as a way to know if something was God's will or not. (in addition to the Bible and prayer).
In the past year, that way of thinking has been tested and challenged.
We started the process of adoption over a year ago. We went in with big eyes and nervous hearts. We weren't really sure how this would all work out. We wore our "FAITH" tee-shirts very proudly. It felt great to say...we just trust God that this will work out.
Unfortunately, when we started this process, we "thought" we knew how it would go. We had certain expectations...a timeline, even.
If you have followed this at all, you know that it has been a difficult and painful journey. Sometimes, I catch myself thinking, "why are we doing this?" And I can often read the minds of people around us! "Wow! Those people are crazy. Why do they keep pursuing something that is this difficult?" "They sure have hit a lot of obstacles. Maybe they should give up. It obviously isn't God's plan." Yeah! I've actually heard that one lately. But, here is where the rubber meets the road in my faith. I'm going on record and saying that my faith is different. Thanks to Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith...I have a different brand of faith. It is not circumstantial and it sure isn't easily defeated. I sat down with my Bible this morning and I felt prompted to go back and read the "Hall of Faith" verses in Hebrews 11. Guess what I didn't find in there. I didn't find any stories of great faith where "all the doors opened and it was easy." I didn't find any stories of comfort and security. I didn't find any stories where the people involved knew what the outcome would be as they walked the road of faith. What do they all have in common? They had to trust God when they couldn't see what was ahead. And some of them never even saw the results of their faithfulness. Many times their actions didn't make sense to others. Can we all give Noah a high-five for that one. They wandered into foreign places without security. What's up, Abraham? One of them built a bonfire to roast their own son on...Abraham...not exactly father of the year! And be honest, who wouldn't have packed up their lawn chairs and gone to watch the marching band take down Jericho with their instruments?
The truth is, we LOVE these stories. We're just discouraged when we're asked to live them. I've whined enough to make God cringe. "God, don't you looooooovvvveee me? Why are you making this so hard????"
The truth is: God is building my faith. He is making me someone that is worthy to show up in Hebrews 11. I may never see this story play out to the end, but I'll be part of it. My favorite verse in this entire story is Hebrews 11: 16b "Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God."
I believe God will work this story out the way he wants. And it will be the way that glorifies him the most. Right now we are not even sure the Chinese government will authenticate hubby's birth record because he was born in Taiwan. The option to adopt from China might close right before our eyes. But, I am not discouraged. I am not swayed. When we started this journey, we said, "Ok, God. We'll say yes. You say WHO." We'll continue to wait on Him to show us the "who" and while we're doing it, we'll do our best (with a huge dose of God's help) to make sure that God is not ashamed to be called our God."
In the past year, that way of thinking has been tested and challenged.
We started the process of adoption over a year ago. We went in with big eyes and nervous hearts. We weren't really sure how this would all work out. We wore our "FAITH" tee-shirts very proudly. It felt great to say...we just trust God that this will work out.
Unfortunately, when we started this process, we "thought" we knew how it would go. We had certain expectations...a timeline, even.
If you have followed this at all, you know that it has been a difficult and painful journey. Sometimes, I catch myself thinking, "why are we doing this?" And I can often read the minds of people around us! "Wow! Those people are crazy. Why do they keep pursuing something that is this difficult?" "They sure have hit a lot of obstacles. Maybe they should give up. It obviously isn't God's plan." Yeah! I've actually heard that one lately. But, here is where the rubber meets the road in my faith. I'm going on record and saying that my faith is different. Thanks to Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith...I have a different brand of faith. It is not circumstantial and it sure isn't easily defeated. I sat down with my Bible this morning and I felt prompted to go back and read the "Hall of Faith" verses in Hebrews 11. Guess what I didn't find in there. I didn't find any stories of great faith where "all the doors opened and it was easy." I didn't find any stories of comfort and security. I didn't find any stories where the people involved knew what the outcome would be as they walked the road of faith. What do they all have in common? They had to trust God when they couldn't see what was ahead. And some of them never even saw the results of their faithfulness. Many times their actions didn't make sense to others. Can we all give Noah a high-five for that one. They wandered into foreign places without security. What's up, Abraham? One of them built a bonfire to roast their own son on...Abraham...not exactly father of the year! And be honest, who wouldn't have packed up their lawn chairs and gone to watch the marching band take down Jericho with their instruments?
The truth is, we LOVE these stories. We're just discouraged when we're asked to live them. I've whined enough to make God cringe. "God, don't you looooooovvvveee me? Why are you making this so hard????"
The truth is: God is building my faith. He is making me someone that is worthy to show up in Hebrews 11. I may never see this story play out to the end, but I'll be part of it. My favorite verse in this entire story is Hebrews 11: 16b "Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God."
I believe God will work this story out the way he wants. And it will be the way that glorifies him the most. Right now we are not even sure the Chinese government will authenticate hubby's birth record because he was born in Taiwan. The option to adopt from China might close right before our eyes. But, I am not discouraged. I am not swayed. When we started this journey, we said, "Ok, God. We'll say yes. You say WHO." We'll continue to wait on Him to show us the "who" and while we're doing it, we'll do our best (with a huge dose of God's help) to make sure that God is not ashamed to be called our God."
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
The pile of hair on the floor...
Well, in a moment of complete craziness and spontaneity, I had all of my hair cut off. Ok...so it wasn't really ALL of my hair...just most of it. And it feels ahhhmazzing! I was sitting next to a friend last night while watching "Twilight...Breaking Dawn" when one of the characters came on screen. "You look like her," my friend said. "I look like a vampire?" I asked. "No, if you had her hair, you'd look exactly like her." my friend replied. I have to admit. The very moment I saw her hair, I knew it would be mine. I mean, I LOVED it. I am quite aware that here in the good ole' Midwest (a small town, nonetheless) my hair will not be a welcome change. I could almost feel the stares of people everywhere today. Too edgy, they must be thinking. (Or, I'm just paranoid!) Either way, I love it. I hope it turns out tomorrow when I don't have my dear Allison styling it. :) Please send all encouraging comments straight to my Facebook page and please send all negative comments somewhere else. haha.
I told you I'm radical...
But, I wonder as I close out this post...Are you thinking about my hairstyle? Or are you trying to process the fact that I'm obviously a "Twi-hard"? hmmmmmm
And the answer to the next obvious question is:
Team Edward, of course!!
Night!!
I told you I'm radical...
But, I wonder as I close out this post...Are you thinking about my hairstyle? Or are you trying to process the fact that I'm obviously a "Twi-hard"? hmmmmmm
And the answer to the next obvious question is:
Team Edward, of course!!
Night!!
 |
| The inspiration... |
Monday, December 5, 2011
Chasing Squirrels...
My dog ran away again today. He has managed to take the shock three out of the last four days in order to go after a random squirrel in the yard. Why does he do this? Is he stupid? Incredibly tough? Does he like being shocked? Every time I see an oversized rat running through our backyard, I know Toby will take the challenge. At this point, I would think he might have learned that squirrels are faster. To date, he's chased hundreds and caught zero. Give up already!
I chase squirrels. I mean, not the fluffy tail kind. I chase the commitment squirrels. If you could see me in the backyard of my life, you'd see me constantly out of breath and constantly running after things I'll never catch. And you'll probably see me chasing after some things that I will catch.
Laundry...It will really never be "caught up"
Ironing...(see laundry)
Cleaning my house...(see laundry and ironing)
Adoption (Big, elusive squirrel!)
Jesus
PTO
Photography
Editing
Pre-school co-op
Taking kids to practices
Cooking
Facebook
Blogging
School holiday parties (I hate you, holiday parties!)
Toby- the runaway dog that i'd love to get rid of but can't because it will traumatize my children.
FRIENDSHIPS
Church responsibilities
My husband (and not in the boom chica wow wow way...more like the "are you home this week???"way)
Christmas shopping...STRESSFUL!!!!!!!
Christmas cookies
Helping my children with their homework
and on and on and on and on!
Do you ever feel like you are spread so thin doing so many things that you're not really doing anything well? I'm afraid I have that feeling right now. But, how do you simplify? No, really! How do you simplify?
I can't drop the hubby or the kids. They have to eat and I have to clean up. I'm halfway up the tree with the adoption, so looks like I can't drop that. Photography is my outlet, so I'll keep that. And, Jesus...I can't stop chasing after something that chased so hard after me. I will always chase after you!
So, sorry Christmas and friends. You do not make the cut. :) I guess I don't really mean that. But, I am going to hermit down a bit. If I don't stop chasing some squirrels, I'm gonna lose my mind. So, if you call me in the next few days and I don't answer, I'm either out chasing squirrels, or I've wised up and gone inside to hide under a blanket. Either way...I'll call you back as soon as I'm able....just keep shaking your tail!
I chase squirrels. I mean, not the fluffy tail kind. I chase the commitment squirrels. If you could see me in the backyard of my life, you'd see me constantly out of breath and constantly running after things I'll never catch. And you'll probably see me chasing after some things that I will catch.
Laundry...It will really never be "caught up"
Ironing...(see laundry)
Cleaning my house...(see laundry and ironing)
Adoption (Big, elusive squirrel!)
Jesus
PTO
Photography
Editing
Pre-school co-op
Taking kids to practices
Cooking
Blogging
School holiday parties (I hate you, holiday parties!)
Toby- the runaway dog that i'd love to get rid of but can't because it will traumatize my children.
FRIENDSHIPS
Church responsibilities
My husband (and not in the boom chica wow wow way...more like the "are you home this week???"way)
Christmas shopping...STRESSFUL!!!!!!!
Christmas cookies
Helping my children with their homework
and on and on and on and on!
Do you ever feel like you are spread so thin doing so many things that you're not really doing anything well? I'm afraid I have that feeling right now. But, how do you simplify? No, really! How do you simplify?
I can't drop the hubby or the kids. They have to eat and I have to clean up. I'm halfway up the tree with the adoption, so looks like I can't drop that. Photography is my outlet, so I'll keep that. And, Jesus...I can't stop chasing after something that chased so hard after me. I will always chase after you!
So, sorry Christmas and friends. You do not make the cut. :) I guess I don't really mean that. But, I am going to hermit down a bit. If I don't stop chasing some squirrels, I'm gonna lose my mind. So, if you call me in the next few days and I don't answer, I'm either out chasing squirrels, or I've wised up and gone inside to hide under a blanket. Either way...I'll call you back as soon as I'm able....just keep shaking your tail!
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