When Love Takes You In

There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman with this title.  The lyrics follow:  "When love takes you in, everything changes.  A miracle starts with the beat of a heart.  When love takes you home and says you belong here, the loneliness ends and a new life begins."

This song makes me cry.

I know we must look like a crazy crew sometimes.  Our clothes don't always match.  Our hair might not be brushed.  And our house is usually a disaster.  But, we are FAMILY!  And in this family, there is no distinguishing between "born from my body" and "born from my heart".  These little people are my life.  And when I see them together, my heart feels something big.  God took four unique and beautiful little boys and crafted their hearts to care for the lonely.  He grew four little souls in a way that allowed them to look at a small girl from China and say, "You belong here!"

This abundant love makes me cry.

We all know the story.  Even if we've never been to church...we know the story.  God came to earth as a baby to live a perfect life and die OUR death.  But, what do we do with that?  Accept the gift!  Absolutely!  But, what is our response?  My only response to this level of sacrifice is to give my life back.  My dreams are replaced with His Will.  My desires are replaced with His heartbeat.

My prayer is that I will do this...every day.  I have the amazing opportunity to serve with every breath I breathe.  I ask God to give me the obedience to act when He prompts.

I have so far to go.  There are so many rough edges that need smoothed.  So many lessons to be learned.  So many areas of my life that need refinement.

But today, the lesson was in gratefulness...and belonging...and love.  And it was a beautiful lesson!

Happiness is:

NO MORE SCHOOL!!!

Chinese Food!!!

Making Cupcakes!!!

Daddy's HOME!!!

Eating cupcakes!!!

The things that really matter

We have all seen the news.  And I can guarantee that all of our thoughts are preoccupied and our hearts are broken over the tragic mess of Friday in NewTown Connecticut.  Every mom, dad, or grandparent that did school drop-off or loaded their kids on the bus was weighed down with some extra anxiety.  I had to keep my emotions in check this morning as I drove the kids to school.  "Don't show fear...don't show anxiety...and for pete's sake...don't embarrass them by screaming out...JUST KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU!" as they run inside the building.
But this is nothing new for me.  I have a confession:  The events at Sandy-Hook Elementary didn't begin a way of living and way of thinking for me.  It just reminded me why I do it.  And I know there are many of you out there that parent the same way.  So, this blog is a reminder of why we parent the way we do.

Christmas is approaching.  At my house, we are not talking about the latest and greatest gadgets.  We are not making Christmas lists.  My kids know that they will each be receiving three totally rockin' Christmas presents from us this year.  They will also be exchanging with each other and will be blessed enough to get presents from others that love them.  But, we are not going into debt. And we are not getting them everything (hmmmm, really anything) that they are asking for.  Now, I am completely aware that they may grow up and form families of their own someday and be heard saying, "When I was a kid, we only got three presents...so we're going to have a much better Christmas around here."  Although I hope they don't! :)

In my humble little opinion (and with a huge disclaimer that I'm a major hot mess and completely disorganized) I will share what my kids are actually getting for Christmas this year that does not come wrapped in a box.

Parents with a solid marriage.  No matter what the circumstances...Rodney and I will always make this thing work.  Because, we realize that people don't make marriages last...God does.

Siblings!  Because as we walked through the visitation line last night for a dear friend's mother,  I saw three siblings standing together with their grief.  I looked at my husband and said, "I'm so glad that our kids will have each other someday when we go "home".

LOVE.  I tell my kids that I love them EVERY DAY!  I hug them EVERY DAY!  I help them with their homework and I listen to their stories.  I laugh at their jokes and I cry when they're hurt.  I discipline them in love and always work to help them become the amazing people that God created them to be.

And the best gift we could ever give them as parents is jesus.  From the time they were babies, we've shared God's love and sacrifice with them.  Most of our lessons to them in life have been centered around making choices that help them love God and love Others.  We have actively participated as four of our five children closed their eyes and in small sweet voices, asked Jesus to be in charge of their lives.

We live in a sinful world.  God didn't turn his back on Connecticut and He doesn't turn His back on you.  This world was never going to be perfect.  We live out a measly few years here on Earth in the hopes that anything we do will help other people know God...know Christ and that it will transform their lives.

I pray that God doesn't ask me to give up my children.  It is a pain that I never want to know.

But as I drove them up to the doors of their elementary school this morning, I had a peace that passes all understanding!  Evil is present in the world...But so is God.  And God wins.  The end has already been written.  I have that peace!!  My children entered into their day covered in prayer, feeling secure and completely loved with God's promises and God's presence covering them.   As a believer, I have the hope and promise that while evil was storming the halls of an elementary building taking lives of tiny children...that God was also present taking those sweet babies home to be in His constant care.  I will pray for the families that lost loved ones.  But, my main prayer will be that they completely embrace God's love and see their sweet little children in Heaven someday.

This is how you snuggle with three people

Treasures in Heaven

Hubby and I were talking last night about our past Black Friday pursuits.  "Remember the Nintendo DS we stood in line for?"  Hubby asked.  "Yes!"  I responded.  "Where is it now?" asked Hubby.  Sadly, I have no idea.  It seems that the popular trend is to chase an item down like it is the last drink of pure water and then discard it the following year for the next best thing.  I've already addressed Black Friday on here.  You all know how I feel.  I've engaged in some pretty fun nights out with my husband stalking the deals.  I also get that most of the time it is about the experience with friends and family.  I don't see anything wrong with that!  I think it is a great opportunity for families and friends to store up some good memories.  I just don't want to be so consumed with things that won't even matter in a month.  I will NEVER abandon my family on Thanksgiving to sit outside a store.  And let's be honest.  If I want absolute chaos, people running everywhere and lost sleep...I can find that at my house. :)

As Thanksgiving approaches, my heart is completely focused on a treasure that will NEVER lose its appeal.  It will never be pushed to the back of a drawer.  This treasure is my daughter.  Of course, I view all of my kids as treasures.  But, for obvious reasons, the newest member of our family is part of a journey that has forever changed me.  

I watched the video "Half the Sky" yesterday while snuggling my sick little girl.  It is a tough documentary to watch, but so good.  It puts life into perspective!  I encourage you to see it.  It physically hurts my heart to think about what Essie's life would be like if we hadn't adopted her.  

So, while I would like to wish you a very happy Thanksgiving...I also want to challenge your heart to be on the lookout this season for "Treasures in Heaven."

Matthew 6:19-21

 “Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal.  Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.

My Treasure

On the Eve of a Birthday

Tonight I continued a ritual that I have had for as long as I've been a mom.  On the eve of the birthday, I put my kids to bed and soak up the remaining hours of their current age.  I bid them goodnight on their last night of being _________.  It is an opportunity to stop the clock for just a moment.  I sit back, try to pack all of the memories of the previous year into my unreliable memory and hope that in ten years, I'll be able to recall how perfectly sweet and amazing that year of their life really was.

Tonight, it is a new experience for this veteran mom.  I've been doing this ritual for almost 13 years for an eventual crew of four boys.  And yet this one is unchartered territory.  Tonight, I sat in a rocking chair with my daughter of only two months and rocked her to sleep.  "Goodnight on your last night of being ONE"  I said.  And I realized that I only had two months worth of memories to draw from.  Most of the past year was spent chasing after her with forms and appointments and travel.  Last year, we baked a cake, put a #1 candle on it and sang to a child that we could barely even imagine.

Sometimes it hurts to know that there are people that know her better than I do.  Sometimes I feel a physical ache that I wasn't there for all of her "firsts."  There is a small place in my heart that wonders what she saw, felt, and understood in the many months before she became mine.

But, as I put her to bed tonight, I felt pure joy.  Because instead of lingering in all of the sad places, I remembered that because of God's amazing gift...His love...His faithfulness...she is ours...

And I know that when she wakes up tomorrow morning as a TWO year old, she will call out for mama...and she will mean me.

My Two year old baby girl

Now I will pretend you are not here, mom!

STOP taking my picture, MOM!

Seriously, LADY!  put the camera DOWN!

Abundant Life and dirty diapers

 ^{John 10:10}
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

I almost quit Jesus. 

 It happened a couple of weeks ago on a Sunday afternoon.  I was jet-lagged, exhausted, overwhelmed, sad, and facing constant rejection from my newly adopted daughter.  My "story" was once again not going the way I had planned.    In my self righteous anger, I boldly shook my fist at God and asked the age old question..."Why can't things go the way I want them to?  Fortunately, God isn't the kind of deity that strikes idiots down as they are walking off their anger.  I walked on.  I tossed around the idea of disrupting the adoption and walking away from my faith.  The entire time I thought about it, though...I couldn't really envision my life without Christ.  Basically, this was another "roll around on the floor banging my fists and crying" tantrum.  In my pain, I had reverted back to the child that wants what she wants, when she wants it!  Sorry, girlie...God doesn't respond to that behavior!

By the time I got home from my 2 hour walk of anger, my husband was there to lovingly greet me and pull me out for a private talk.  He was exactly what I needed in the middle of my high speed come-apart.  He reminded me of God's faithfulness (why do I always forget it?) He reminded me that we are a team.  We will do this together.  And he reminded me of the beautiful life we were fortunate enough to live...even if I couldn't see it through my curtain of pain.

Since that day, God has been faithful to grow my relationship with my daughter.  But, it is coming slooooowly.  First, I had to set my feelings aside and agree to mother her...to love her...with my actions.  When I felt like crying, I smiled at her instead.  (yes...teeth were totally gritting).  I got her snacks, I changed her diapers (that's love!  You know it!)  And I sat and held her as she fell asleep.  She learned minute by minute to trust me.  And I have to say, the process impacted me.

God sent Jesus to die for me so I could live.  He adopted me.  But, I rejected Him.  For several years during my youth, I rejected Him.  Even still, I can be a very challenging child!  But, He is slowly showing me with His actions that I can trust Him.  When my house came apart, He provided.  In China with a broken heart, He was there.  My relationship with my daughter is a direct parallel with the relationship I have with HIM.

The other day, I was perusing Facebook and I came across some recently posted photos.  The title of the album could have been "barely dressed, drinking and flirting like a fool". As I looked at the photos I remembered that God had brought me from a life similar to this.  It was a life completely focused on ME and the next "good time" 

"The thief (satan) comes ONLY to steal, kill and destroy." 

he doesn't really care about your "good times".  He will gladly watch you party yourself into an STD, pregnancy, sickness, infidelity, divorce, and death.  He'll supply the streamers!


"I (Jesus) have come so they may have life, and have it to the full"  

Jesus has a shattered heart every time He sees someone He loves heading down the slippery slope of destruction.  He has a much fuller life available for all of us.  Pay attention!  It is NOT pain free!  And it is not perfect.  My fuller life is filled with poopy diapers, crying, and not very much quiet time.  Since we are flawed, we will always struggle in this life.  But, the life we get when we follow Him is too difficult to describe to someone not living their "fuller life".  So, since a picture is worth a thousand words...please allow me to show you what He means by "a fuller life"

The Best Things in Life are NOT Free!

We have been sold a lie.  The best things in life are NOT free!  And I'm not talking about a financial fee either.  I'm talking about our perseverance and our resolve.  I'll admit right now that I do not naturally have a lot of resolve in situations.  I'm a flight girl, remember?  When the going gets tough, the tough get going...to hide out under the bed until the danger is over!

This adoption has tested me in ways I could never have imagined!  And I'm sure there will be so many more discouraging days that are filled with tons of effort and not much payoff.

But, the decision to stick with it is one that will define my life forever!

I found out yesterday that my daughter's orphanage might not have been all that great.  The word "Abuse" came into play.  Which prompted a friend to admit that she had noticed bruises on "E's" arms that look like fingers had been holding a little too tightly to her upper arm.  I looked back at the photos from "gotcha day". It is true.  My daughter had bruises.  We saw them.  But, we were too overwhelmed to put it together.  I believe...after putting all the pieces together...that my daughter knew two types of women.  She knew the ones that comfort and the ones that hurt.  And it has taken her time to figure out which one I am.

So, I have been working hard over the past two weeks to show her consistent love.  When she pushes me away, I respond with love.  When she slaps me, I show her "gentle"  When she scratches me, I firmly tell her "No, that hurts mama!"  And I gently stroke her arm, showing her "love".  I feed her, bathe her, change her diapers, play with her and hold her hand as she goes to sleep...all in an effort to convey that I am safe.  It has been a lot of work without a lot of reward.  But, in the moments when I see this...

I know.  I believe.  I trust...that the work is completely worth it.  We are part of the story that God is writing in her life.  He has BIG plans for her.  I am honored...exhausted...but honored, that God would trust us with something so HUGE!  I love this little one.  I am loving her more every day.  And her love for me is growing too.  

Our adoption of "E" was not free.  But we secured her freedom!

God's adoption for us was not free.  But He secured our freedom.  Think on that today, dear friends!!!

Good Grief...not so good!

Today is our fourth day home from China.  Only four days separate my daughter from her birth country.  Why do I expect her to heal so quickly?  Her heart is still so broken from losing everything she knows.  And the fact that she is so smart is not working in her favor.  I believe she is holding on a little tighter to her "old life" because she remembers it.  I read something pretty impacting on a board I belong to.  Someone wrote in response to our issues that "anger is a stage of grieving."  I am trying so hard not to take her major mood swings personally.  She is still trying to figure all of this out.  And she is scared.  She's afraid of being moved again, of losing the people that are now caring for her...

I told hubby today that the most frustrating part is that I want so badly to be there for her.  She really only comes to me when she wants something like a snack...or my chocolate.  I was lamenting to him that I wish she would come to me for comfort and love instead of just coming to me when she wants something.  And then a stabbing sensation hit my heart as I said out loud.  "Oh my gosh...that's how I am with God."  I've just gone to Him when I want something.  He's probably saying, "Why doesn't she come to me for comfort and love.  I want to give her so much more than measly snacks."  

My goal today has been to look to God for strength.  I certainly don't have what it takes to parent Essie through this trauma in her life.  I'm in desperate need of His strength.  Instead of expressing anger toward God for bringing me to this difficult place, I am trying now to look for ways He's trying to change me and grow me.  I'm learning the hard way that I have pride issues (especially when it comes to parenting)  It kills me to admit that I can't figure this thing out.  I want everyone to think I'm a great mom and that I have the answers.  But I don't.  So, I will admit with a humble heart that I am clinging minute by minute to Christ to help me work through this with Essie.  And in the meantime, I am seeing a million little blessings.  From my fantastic husband to my boys, friends, and family.  So many people care about us and about Esther.  I am thankful for the great things God is showing me in the middle of this.  And I'm thankful for His unconditional love! :)

Thanks for praying and caring for us (and feeding us!!!)  

love and hugs,

jill

What the heck am I doing???

This.  Is.  Hard!!!!!
Pull up a chair...if you dare.
I'd like to tell you (if you're interested) about the truth of adoption.
Have I mentioned that it is hard?  You all know me.  I don't do "rainbows and unicorns."  Frankly, I think that transparent is the best way to live.  Because...let's face it...Life is hard.  We all have our stuff. My goal isn't to whine.  So, if you sense me doing that...tell me to snap out of it.  I don't feel depressed or sad.  So, my goal isn't to make you feel that way either.  I just would love the chance to write this out, even if no one reads it. :)

The adoption story as I imagined it:
Hubby and I travel to China.  We have a lovely couple of days reconnecting and kissing all over the city of Hong Kong.  (don't puke...this is my imagination).  We head up to her province, and we are given the most beautiful little girl in all of China.  She is timid at first (the books warned me of that) But she lets us hold her and we even get a few snuggles on the way back to the hotel.  We play for hours and explore the city (her snuggly positioned in the carrier, me looking somewhat thinner and more radiant.)  People smile...adoption is amazing.  We finish up the trip in Southern China, make new friends, pack up and head home.  Home is where my newly adopted child sleeps perfectly in her new room and I get to dress her up and put bows in her hair.  And I'm not even tired, because I'm so blissed out!

The adoption story as it really occurred:
Hubby and I travel to China.  We enjoy Hong Kong, but we are trying desperately to find wireless internet to connect with the children we are already missing.  We do not kiss.  (people are already staring at the pale couple from the Midwest.)  We head up to her province and I'm about to vomit from anticipation.  I'm confident.  I'm a mom.  Why wouldn't she love me?  A tiny little girl (ok...she is the most beautiful child in China!) is brought in to the civil affairs room and she immediately starts screaming. (uhhhh, what did the book say?  I am suddenly ill prepared for this screaming creature.)  Hubby takes her and starts speaking in Mandarin.  She calms down and decides to stick with this guy for good...maybe he can help her find her way back to the orphanage that she was so rudely taken from.  For the next few days, I am consistently rejected, hit in the face, screamed at, and more.  I try to keep extending love, but secretly, I am starting to resent this small child and I sit in the bathroom of the cockroach hotel and cry while looking at pictures of the boys.  I decide that if she can reject me...then I can reject her...and God (while I'm at it)  Cause after all...He's the one that brought me here.
Days pass...friends pray.  Hubby consoles and encourages all while meeting every need for the sobbing child in his lap.  The only internet is in the hotel lobby.  Every time I go down, I am stared at.  I want to go home.   She won't play.  She won't smile.  She won't even let me look at her.  I am faced with the possibility that I may have made the biggest mistake of my life.
We travel to Southern China to finish the trip.  We DO make new and wonderful friends.  We pack up and board a 15 hour flight where our daughter sleeps for two hours and screams for the rest.  Meanwhile, the "just in case" benadryl is packed away in the checked baggage and I'm trying to score some "sleepy juice" from other passengers.  Again, I am trying hard to trust God...but I am seriously doubting my abilities.  We get home and our child spends all night crying.  She refuses to sleep at night.  She screams and fights.  My dryer is broken.  So I can't wash our stinky clothes.  I am exhausted because I haven't slept for over 48 hours.  And instead of feeling "blissed out"  I'm feeling worn out.

So, where's my happy ending?  My resolve?  I don't have it.  It is 1:22 and my child is still fighting sleep.  I feel like I am babysitting someone else's child.  She's cute.  And I really want to feel deep love for her.  But, mostly I just feel inadequate.  I feel tired.

I remembered this scripture tonight:
Matthew 25: 34-40

“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world.  For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in,  I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink?  When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you?  When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

She is "one of the least of these".  I'm doing it for Him.  I will love her...because I love Him.  That's it.  Following Jesus is hard.  Truly following Him into the things that matter can be more than difficult.  But, I'll keep doing it because this adoption story is so much bigger than today.  It is so much bigger than my discomfort.  And now I have to close because I need to go comfort her. :(

The long dark night.

"I will never leave you or forsake you" - God
This morning I ran from this scripture. I rejected it. I took up residence in the land of depression...and I was prepared for a lengthy stay. I had a comfy pillow for the hours of sleep, new wardrobe plans for the body I would achieve by giving up food and a completely busted heart. I felt abandoned after the tornado...this was worse.
I tried so hard to keep my mind open to this different culture and the possibility of
rejection. But, let's be honest...I am sick of being stared at like an alien, and I didn't really plan for rejection. I understand that my daughter (whom I begged Rod to give back this morning) has been through extreme trauma...but my heart is screaming...what about me? I know..super mature, but that is my struggle. I am the fool that keeps expecting the fairy tale and can never be satisfied with reality. And when reality is delivered with a dose of pain and suffering, I am ready to bolt on my faith. I am disappointed in the way this story has played out, but I'm even more disappointed in my reaction. Perhaps if I could get it right the first time' I could quit getting schooled.  
Today, we took baby steps. I am convinced that the only reason I'm still in the game and not benched is because so many of you have been praying for me. I convinced Rodney to leave for an hour and give all of Esther's care to me.  She started wailing as soon as she realized she could not have her beloved baba.  "fake it til you make it" became my motto through clenched teeth.  I gave her a snack, which surprisingly, she ate. Then she laid down on the couch as if to say, I don't really care that you're here.  So, I pulled out the coloring book and started to meticulously color smurfette.   She continued to roll around on the couch pretending to ignore me. But then something miraculous happened. If you were to blink, you would have missed it. But she sat up, looked at me and picked up a crayon to color with me. Then, before I could say, this is what I needed today, she was tradinge crayons with me. We stayed there for a while...me playing...her watching. Finally, I asked her if she would like to go to the store with me. All she caught was bye bye, but she was in. We took our first mother daughter shopping trip to a store where I could communicate with no one.  We bought something in a bottle that is supposed to take care of our mosquito bites and some very bright nail polish for the day when she will someday trust me enough to paint her toenails. I bought us a treat from the bakery and a really Yummy mango smoothie. We shared it. It was short, but sweet time. As we entered into the hotel, her demeanor changed. She began whimpering and asking for daddy. I think coming back to the hotel is too much of a trigger for her. I can't wait to leave this place.  Later, I pulled up talking Tom on the iPad and she actually gave me a smile and a laugh. When she got tired, she was finished with me and only wanted daddy again.  If I measure the progress in adoption days, this is good. It isnt perfect, but it is progress. She may completely reject me again tomorrow...but I had today...and I'll hang onto that for now.
I think this is the human condition...to never want to let go of the old. That is what keeps people addicted to pornography, alcohol, drugs, etc... We keep looking back.  As I work diligently to earn my daughter's love and pull her attention away from "the old life"  and toward a fuller life, I am reminded of my own relationship with Christ. Today, I hit a wall and took the fast train to my faithless life. I am ashamed of that...and the things I actually thought today.  But God is real, and God is the original adoptive father. He will continue to remind me of the new life I have and grow my faith in him. I will never be perfect, but, my adoption will never be reversed.  And so, with this example, I will forge ahead in this adoption and hopefully someday, look back on this very long night and realize that as a dear friend shared, "joy really does come in the morning."
Thank you for your faithful a prayers, friends!

Whatever lies before me...

I was up for music last weekend at church. We sang one of my favorite songs. "10,000 reasons"  As we were singing, it hit me hard that I want the lyrics of the song to penetrate my heart and take over my soul.
"The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes"

I could barely get through it without crying!  I know God is good!  I've seen it!  But, I've also seen the difficult side of following Christ.  It isn't always rainbows and unicorns.  I think the lyrics are such a true testament of what our hearts desire...but we can't achieve on our own.  No matter what the day holds, we want to STILL sing "his song" by the end of the day.  We don't want to lose our faith.

I have a unique opportunity to see the many faces of faith as I sing.  Last weekend, my eyes passed over friends that are battling cancer, have very sick loved ones, fight alcoholism, struggle with homosexuality, battle tension in marriage, have children that have walked away from God.  

As my eyes carefully passed over each person,  I was reminded that in this sinful world, we all have struggles.  We are so dependent on God for every breath!  But, we have the amazing opportunity to encourage each other on the road!

I felt compelled to ask my friends on Facebook to share their favorite scriptures with me.  I know that the only way I'll keep singing "His song" is if I allow Him to talk to me through scripture.  And I'm going to be honest.  That is a struggle for me.  I want to tell you all that I read my Bible every day.  But,  if I take off my cheesy Christian mask...you'll see that I don't.  You'll see that I read People magazine, more than I read the words of the creator of the universe.  You'll hear me give book recommendations for best sellers, and not include the Bible.  I want to change that.  But, I was afraid that if I took my Bible with me to Ch-na with the expectation of reading it...I wouldn't.  So, a God-inspired idea formed. Ask friends for their favorite verses and compile a little book of God's words.  And I have to admit, I have been BLESSED by it!  I love reading the verses and contemplating the people that sent them to me.  I am taking such a treasure overseas and I'll be taking a bit of them with me!  It has had the unexpected benefit of making me feel closer to each contributor.  I will always treasure this book of scripture! :)  If you would like to add yours to the book, you have plenty of time.  Just leave it on the comment section!  And thank you, to everyone that has taken time out of their busy lives to pray for this journey and encourage us!  This is your adoption too!  When you look over your life and think of the ways you are contributing to the kingdom of God, you must add this to your list.  Esther has become your family.  She has become your story of redemption.  She has a family and a future because of YOU!  
May God bless your day with peace and "whatever may pass, and whatever lies before you...May you be singing when the evening comes."
All my love!

icrazy

Hebrews 12:2 (The Message)
Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed - that exhilarating finish in and with God - he could put up with anything along the way: cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God.

Okay.  I really need to claim this scripture for today.  What a journey this has been.  It has been a flippin' roller coaster!  But here we are...so close to the prize!

What's going on in my head?  I'm nervous.  What if she rejects me.  What if I'm completely overwhelmed by five kids? 

Instead of focusing on the task at hand (i.e. packing!) I've been running around like a chicken without a head.  I have managed to do other completely unnecessary tasks.  And my latest obsession has become the iPhone.  My phone is up for an upgrade.  And since they don't make phones to last more than two years...mine needs replaced.  It has an average battery life of 10 minutes.  Naturally, being fearful that my outside excursions will come to an end...I want to get this matter wrapped up before we leave.  So, I've been researching.

Which is how I ended up at Target last night at 9:50 looking at phones.  Not only was I looking at phones, but I was trying to talk my husband into letting me get one...while I was standing in front of the display case at 9:50.  I plead my case.  (insert massive amounts of whining)...BUT I NEED A SMART PHONE!  Everyone else has one.... What am I supposed to do with Esther while I'm stuck at appointments or practices or games or.....
To which my husband calmly responds..."Do we really need to decide this before 10pm tonight?" (target's closing in 10 minutes...think fast!)
Let's look at our finances and make a smart decision on whether or not we can afford the data plan that you'll have to pay for each month." 
OH. MY. GOODNESS!  Why does he have to be so responsible and so RIGHT!

The truth is:  We have five kids and I'm a stay-at-home mom.  I can't afford a smart phone.  It wouldn't be a financially savvy move.  And why can't I just pack a book, or a toy and entertain my own kid?

So, hubby is right.  My phone will have to be replaced, but i'll end up buying another "dumb" phone at best buy to get me through.  And I'll be thankful.  Because I can walk past my "dumb" phone on my way to my INDOOR PLUMBING and just be grateful that God has placed me in such a comfortable life.  

Perspective.  I found it in scripture!  Keep my eyes on Jesus.  Study how he never lost sight of where he was headed.  He was headed to my redemption.  And he didn't take a detour to Target.  And he certainly didn't have a temper tantrum about his phone.  

Where am I headed?  I'm headed to Esther!  And I'm completing this journey with a man that takes amazing care of our family and keeps me grounded.  I'm so grateful for him and I hope he reads this as my apology for my super immature behavior!  (Deepest apologies and regrets, Love!)

50 shades of.......

EXHAUSTED!

Got ya! Seriously...Did you think I'd post a hot and heavy blog when I've got all this adoption stuff going on?

Good day, but very busy.

I keep feeling like I'm forgetting things.

And why is my house so messy?

This crazy ride has been going on for almost 2 years.  Why am I so frazzled?  Shouldn't I have used those two years to prepare?  LOL

I had a great conversation with a couple of adoptive moms.  I was feeling like a major loser for not being farther ahead in my preparations.  Then, one of the moms reminded me that unlike giving birth...where you arrange child care for a couple of days, and go have a baby...

I have to prepare to leave my kids for over two weeks.  I have to anticipate anything they might need in that time.  Celebrate a birthday that we'll miss.  Create legal documents giving temporary guardianship to their caregivers.  Find someone to take care of Toby.  Finish gathering all of our documents.  Pack!  Prepare for a new child here at home.  All while trying to spend quality time with my other four kids.  Keep the flame burning with the hubby.  Show up for all of my other commitments.  Clean.  Cook.  Launder.  And did I mention PACK???????

Oh my!  Thank you for the generous offers to help me out when I admitted my over-whelmed-ness.  Yes...I'm making up new words.

I'm actually doing well.  My heart is averaging 280 beats per minute...but that's normal...right?
Could be the stress...or it could be the constant flow of diet dr pepper!

Either way...two weeks from today, I'll be holding my daughter. :)

And I'll be 50 shades of overjoyed!

Good Times!

Ok.  I'm not even addressing the Chicken debacle going on all over social media.  Wait...does this mean I'm addressing it?  I think Jesus loves chicken and people of all sexual preferences.  Does that make me a sinner?  Yep!  I'm a sinner!  And I love people of all sexual preferences with the same love Jesus has. And I also love chicken.

Moving on...

I had been feeling pretty unsettled about traveling for the adoption.  Secretly (or not) I am slightly relieved to have more time to pack and prepare.  But, part of the preparation is with my kids.  I know I'll never feel like I've spent "enough" time with them before this life changing event.  But, I need to have peace that I've tried.  One of the most amazing things happened last week.  I loaded my four kids into the mini-van and we took a road trip.  Huge thanks go out to my hubby for his support and encouragement to go.  We left on Monday afternoon and arrived in the Chicago area to stay with my very best friend in the world.  We have been friends for YEARS!  (even though we're only 25!) and our kids have been friends since they were babies.  (yes...we forced the friendship at first)

We had a full week of laughter...the kind where you pee your pants a little.

My kids had a blast.  We did the jelly belly tour, saw our old house, went tubing on our friends' boat, and more...

I got to sleep two nights with B and two nights with D-Dog.  We had massive snuggle time and don't even get me started on our actual road trip.  They were so much fun.  They were great during the five hour trip there and five hours back.  We ate junk food and sang way too loud along with the radio.  He'll completely deny it, but D-Dog can sing every word to "Call me Maybe".

It was FUN!  And I felt like I really had the chance to enjoy my kids in a place that hold so many wonderful memories...with people that will forever own a piece of my heart.

Another fantastic element of the trip was connecting with another very close friend.  I am so incredibly blessed to have women in my life both there and here that inspire me!  Our kids picked up and played together as though they'd never been apart.  Although, B experienced his first broken heart as the love of his life (he's been loyally proclaiming his love) informed him that she couldn't be his girlfriend.  So sad.  But, love that I was there to walk him through his first rejection. :(  He's doing better now and he has sworn off dating for a while.  Good idea since he's only 8!

Basically, this trip was exactly what we all needed. (Except for hubby...who was stuck at home working the whole week).  Everyone needs a place where they can recharge their batteries.  This will always be "my place"!

One of my favorite moments of the trip, though, involved my friend Kerri's 11 year old daughter.  Kerri and I were talking about the upcoming adoption and she was asking me how I was feeling.  I told her that the reality was settling in that I was about to become the mom of FIVE children.  I'm a little nervous about being able to be a good mom to all of those little lives.  As I shared my concerns and worries about our expanding family, Kerri's daughter looked at me, smiled and said, "ehhhh, Four is For Quitters!"  It hit me in a funny way and I still can't stop laughing when I remember it.  Yes.  In this family, "four is for quitters."  And I'm no quitter!  So, I'll pack my bags, kiss my children, and take a plane half a globe away to give the beautiful gift of family to a sweet little girl.

Enjoy a few pics from the week. :)

Free Jelly Bellies with every tour!

the "quitter" comment came from the silly girl on the left!

My beautiful friend, Kerri!

LOVE these girls!!!!!

A tree full of amazing kids!

My dear friend, Jenny!

The girl B  has loved for years...

Plan A...not so much~!

Well, Plan A would have us leaving tomorrow for China.  In the words of our agency caseworker, "Plan A is just not an option anymore."  In a sad turn of events, we found out that our daughter's civil affairs office didn't receive the information that we had been granted approval for travel.  So...we have to delay travel until after school starts here.
I'm a little conflicted.  I'm going to be honest.  The trip was coming together so fast that I felt anxious and overwhelmed with the details.  We were so busy putting everything together that I began to feel guilty about not spending enough time with the boys.  I was going to have to drop a lot of responsibilities on grandparents and miss out on getting them ready for school.
The delay means more waiting for Esther.  But, it also means more one-on-one with the kids here.  I'm hoping the delay will translate into a more relaxed exodus from our home in a few weeks.

However, looking at this reminds me that we are getting close to travel!  Look at the PINK!  and the DOLLS!!! :)

And then I start thinking about a little girl that was given a name by an official.  She is alone in the world...no family.  But then God collides the lives of the lonely and the family.  And the result is a picture of His redemption.  She has a family!  She has a name!  And not just ANY name.  Her name is Esther.  She is named after a woman in the Bible that was also an orphan.  Her namesake was grafted into a family (ummm,, the KING'S family) and God used her to save her people.  We're not royalty and we're certainly not thinking that our Esther will save the Jews.  :)  But...what does God have in store for her?  Her story will be different...but no less amazing.  Will he use her here in our town?  Or will He someday take her back to her homeland to make a difference for Him?  We have no way of knowing how her story will play out.  But we are incredibly grateful to be able to watch it unfold.  We pray daily for her heart to be open to our family.  We pray daily for her safety and health.  We pray daily that God will equip us to be her parents.  And we pray daily that He will guide us through the next few weeks.

She has a name...lovingly chosen!!!

And she has a room! :)

MY WATER BROKE!!...i think

I couldn't have planned for yesterday to be any more amazing than it was!  My parents were in town and we met my brother and sis-in-law for lunch.  As we were sitting and stuffing onion blossom into our mouths with true abandon, my mom asked me about travel approval. "It is probably too soon to expect it", I said.  "I mean, everything has taken so long in this process.  Since I haven't heard from them yet today, it probably won't come until maybe next week."
As we were finishing up the meal, D-Dog was playing with my phone and he handed it to me.  "You're getting a call, mom."  he said.  As I accepted the phone, my eyes landed on the caller id.  It was the area code of our agency.  Could it be???  So soon???
Our agency confirmed that our TA (travel approval) had arrived in the office and we could now request a consulate appointment.  Unfortunately, in order to get back in time for hubby's work deadline, we have to return by Aug. 12.  So, that means our travel could happen VERY quickly...or be delayed until after his deadline passes.  We are pursuing the "very quickly" route right now.  Our agency has requested consulate dates for Aug. 6-9.  We'll know by Monday morning if we have a confirmed appointment for that week.  If that happens, we will leave next week.  We have so much to do.  I just printed and filled out medical consent forms for our families and we are working through the travel arrangements.  Please continue to pray for this journey.  We trust that God has every detail covered.  And we know He is good.  We just want Him present in EVERYTHING.
Thank you to all of our amazing friends and family. We can't wait to share this next part of the journey with you.  We know exactly how blessed we are to have each of you in our lives!  God has blessed us greatly.  Our hope is that others will see this story and it would prompt them to jump off a cliff and into the faithful arms of God.  Even in the stuff we don't understand, He is there.  Even when it is too dark to see, He is there.  Even in the moments when our minds are spinning and we're freaking out because we are about to change our family forever...He is there!
God has known Esther since her body began to be formed in her mama's body.  I am humbled to think that God's plan for Essie's life includes our family.  It includes YOU.  I, for one, can't wait to see this story unfold!!!
Love you, friends!

One way ticket to Crazyville!

I'm finally going to admit it publicly.  I am LOSING it!  My mind has turned to mush and I can't concentrate on anything.  I've spent so much time on documents, paperwork, timelines, and book reports that I can't seem to focus on anything that isn't adoption related.  We are currently waiting on travel approval.  In about two weeks, we will receive a document that invites us to travel to China and get Esther.  Now, because of the 50,000 details that will need to be ironed out for travel, we won't be able to leave immediately.  More than likely, we'll have to wait to travel until after the first day of school.  So we're looking at gotcha day somewhere around mid-late August.
I feel like I'm in a weird place.  Today, I was cleaning out my closet to donate some clothing for another adoption yard sale and I started thinking through..."what will I wear while we travel?"  I don't want to have to drag around several suitcases...so I have to pack smart.  And those that know me well, will know that this alone, will be a difficult feat.  My dear friend, Kerri, will remember my diaper bags of the past...bursting at the seams...packed with everything necessary to survive in the wild for a year on any continent.  And that was just for an afternoon outing!  I have the tendency to over prepare.

Travel seems so close, but so far away.  And the waiting isn't getting any easier!  Instead, I am over-thinking everything.  I am about to commit a lifetime of love and protection to someone I've never even met.  I know next to NOTHING about this child.  She is a stranger to me.  In her almost two years of life, I've received four pictures of her.  That completely freaks me out!  What if she's awful?  What if she cries all the time?  What if she plays with matches?  What if she never sleeps?  What if she hates us?  What if I'm a terrible mom for a daughter?  I mean, I talk about boogers, and I think farts are funny.      I can build a lego castle that would make you jealous.  But I have no idea what to do with dolls?

Should we have adopted a boy?
Should we have adopted at all?
Is everything going to change?
Will my other kids pay the price?
(insert screaming into pillow here)

I know that this time of year is always challenging.  All the boys are home and the fights outnumber the hours in the day.  My nerves might be slightly challenged right now.  I've got one with major attitude about responsibility.  I've got another one that is either feeling sick or injured most of the day.  I've got one that tries to sleep with me every night and another one that wants me to be his own personal NFL coach.

You know what I feel like doing right now?  Sitting down with two dozen chocolate chip cookies, a gallon of milk and the remaining 70 episodes of "Army Wives" on netflix.  I want to close off the world for a little bit...or at least take a nap and forget.

So yeah...sorry this isn't very cheery!  I don't have any words of inspiration.  I'm pretty empty right now.  I am a mess of emotions lately and I'm feeling terrible about it!  So, if you have scheduled time to hang with me...feel free to bow out gracefully.  LOL  I know I'm crazy!  Or...when you see me.  Just give me a hug and tell me it will be okay.  Tell me that God knows what He's doing and that it is all going to work out.  You and I will both know that you have NO way of actually knowing that...but it will show me that your love for me is unconditional.  'Cause I need you more now than ever before!  Thank you to the people that lovingly stand beside me on this roller coaster!  You know who you are!  'Cause if you look around, you'll find that you're sitting next to me on the crazy train.  And I'll be so grateful to have you there! :)

Painfully Honest

Quote taken from the book I am currently reading:
"I wake to self-hatred.  To the wrestle to get it all done, the relentless anxiety that I am failing.  Always, the failing.  I yell at children, fester with bitterness, forget doctor appointments, lose library books, live selfishly, skip prayer, complain, go to bed too late, neglect cleaning the toilets.  I live tired.  Afraid.  Anxious.  Weary.  Years, I feel it in the veins, the pulsing of ruptured hopes.  Would I ever be enough? But this morning, I wake wildly wanting to live!"

I have a confession!  And it just might rock you a little! :)  I have grown to love the accolades from people.  When someone says I'm great...or that I'm an inspiration, or that I'm AMAZING...I could eat that up like chocolate.  I want to be great.  I want to inspire.  I want to be amazing.  But, I don't think I am that person.

I am flawed.

I worry a lot.  Sometimes I get frustrated because my husband works so much and goes to school so much and never has time for backyard barbecues.  Why don't we have barbecues?  I worry that I'm not a good mom because I don't always remember the chore charts.  And I don't always have a plan for the day.  And when the doctor asks at the yearly check-up if my kids watch less than 2 hours of TV a day, I just shrug and smile sheepishly...

My house is dusty and there is hair all over my bathroom floor.   I am terrible at making a menu and shopping ahead of time.

I am adopting an orphan in a few weeks and I feel bi-polar.  I'm 50% wetting my pants with excitement and 50% pooping my pants with fear!  What if I'm too tired for 5 kids.  What if God gave me all boys because He knew I would fail with a daughter.

Sometimes I doubt my worth because I'm an at-home mom and not working.  I so desperately want to be confident about what I do.  I struggle with jealousy.  I will smile and say CONGRATULATIONS on your good fortune.  But, I will secretly wish the success was mine.

I struggle to read my Bible every day.

I miss my husband.  I haven't spent real time with him in weeks. :(

And yet...........

God sustains my marriage.  He paints an intricate portrait of the depth of the relationship between God and Man.  Jesus and His bride.  I see the struggles and the resolve in my own marriage.  I am the struggle...Jesus is the resolve.  God gives me moments of pure beauty with my children.  He pulls back the curtains and lets me view the relationship He wants with His children.  I see patience.  I see discipline.  I see free-will.  I see forgiveness.  I see imperfection and acceptance.  And like scales being removed from the eyes, the worldy possessions are pushed aside and I see human suffering.  I see children that don't have health care or food to eat.  I see people locked in sin and bad situations.  Compassion compels me to act.  A house that used to shelter six people, will now shelter seven.  Money that could sit in the pockets of friends, will now pay the ransom for an orphan's freedom.  I see goodness all around me.  I see grace.

I will never be perfect.  I will never deserve accolades.  I am flawed.  But the overwhelming distinction is that I am HIS.  He will make beautiful things of my life even though I am filled with self-doubt.  Because I am HIS.  And I understand the truth.  On my own, I will never be enough.  But my life will make a difference because I AM HIS.

*The book I'm reading is "One Thousand Gifts" Written by Ann Voskamp.  It was a gift from a very dear friend named Tami Daugherty.  I am extremely grateful for her friendship!

Bigstuf Blessing!

Can you say BLESSING!!!

This day has held so many surprises!  I don't even know what to say!  I know...me...speechless!  Hard to believe.  The day started with an email from our caseworker sharing a new update about Essie.  She is getting so big.  And she looks like she is so full of energy..."Lord, help me!"  And I'm more than a little concerned about the jeans she's wearing.  Do they teach kids how to throw gang signs on their pants these days?  What in the world is happening there?  

This evening, I got a text from US immigration that our paperwork was received and it is being sent on to the appropriate people.  Yay!!!  We're so close now!

And tonight, I got the biggest surprise yet.  Some of you know, some of you don't.  But at our church, I work with the youth.  Specifically, I work with Freshman girls.  These are some of the most amazing girls in the world.  I can't believe I get the honor of knowing them!  They have the ability to make me feel so young...and so old!  lol

Right now, they (along with several wonderful leaders from our church) are out of State at a huge youth conference.  My phone rang tonight after dinner and I didn't make it in time.  A voicemail popped up and the gentleman said, "Hey...I'm going to call you back in a couple of minutes.  Pick up!  It is important."  So, when he dialed back, I picked it up.  Turns out, it was the creator of the camp/emcee calling.  Long story short, one of the leaders and several of my youth girls had written a letter about my family and our crazy year in response to a prompt from the main leader.  I guess they make calls like this every year.  The difference is that this year, they called us!  My dear friend was on stage and she had shared with him our story of the tornado and adoption...and most importantly of the amazing God that owns our hearts.  

Not only did they call to encourage us, but they took up an offering for our adoption and the people there raised over $2,000 for Esther!!!!!  I know!  Crazy, right?  And to make it even more amazing, they sent us some wonderful gifts from the conference!  Super great timing since we revisited our expenses and realized we were off in our calculations by about 2,000 dollars.  Apparently, even if you have a child fly on your lap...they still get charged almost $1,000 just for the pleasure of being on the plane.  Again, we just trusted God to be faithful with the finances!

The other day, I was brave and I looked back at a couple of older blog posts.  One of them was from right after the tornado.  There were a couple of months that felt like such a struggle!  My faith was rocked and challenged.  I wrote a post about "wrestling".  The scripture was about Jacob wrestling with God and not giving up until God had blessed him.  I felt deep in the middle of a wrestling match then.  All I saw was the pain.  And the weight of my struggle was heavier than I could lift.  I questioned God on everything!  I asked Him WHY He would let a tornado hit our home.  I asked Him why my kids had to be traumatized.  And you can bet your butt I asked Him why He would call us into an adoption and then do everything possible to keep it from happening.  Yes.  I was angry.  And I was honest!  I may have felt a little prideful.  :(  I believed that if God asked something of me and I said, "yes", that it would work out the way I had planned...in my timing!  But, that is not how He works.  I know that now.  He could have allowed a really boring story to be written.  But He didn't.  Because He knew that His ultimate goal was for people to see His love and His faithfulness!  He wanted to strip a family of everything so they had no choice but to cling to Him.  He wanted others to see this brokenness and to get involved in the story so they could see God's love.  He knew that He would bring others into this story of adoption and make them part of something so much bigger than themselves.  He knew that He would show up at a youth conference on June 6, 2012 and receive glory for His faithfulness in front of 1500 people....because of what He had done in our family.

This is why I'll never be able to fully comprehend the awesomeness of God!  I have learned something from Jacob's wrestling match.  When I blogged about it over a year ago, I was in the middle of the wrestling match.  Today, I am enjoying the blessing.  If there is one lesson that I hope to retain from this portion of my life, it is this.

OK, two things! :)

1.  God's glory will sometimes require my discomfort.

2.  God is faithful.  If we are obedient, He will take us on a journey that will leave us amazed and changed!

To close out, I have to say a HUGE thank you to everyone that helped out in some way for our trivia night fundraiser!  We raised over $4,000 and we had a TON of fun doing it!  My heart is still overflowing with gratefulness for the generous and wonderful people God has placed in our lives!  Here is a picture of the FABULOUSLY FULL room!  All of these people (as well as so many others) are part of Essie's story!!

I certainly don't feel worthy of being part of such an awesome story.  But I am forever grateful that God is letting me go on this journey!  :)  

Goodnight, All!!!