Happy Birthday, D-Dog!!!

Five years ago today, I could have never imagined how this guy would change my life.  First of all, we were finished with our family after three boys.  We had a lovely discussion just a month before I got pregnant about how content we were with our sweet family.  Back in those days, we were living in a small 960 sq ft house in S. Wisconsin and our home felt pretty full.  Three kids seemed like a lot.  So, you can imagine how shocked we were to find out that we were six weeks pregnant with baby number four.  In the moments of my life where I want to take control, I need to remember this beautiful gift from God.  I need to remember that God really does see a bigger picture and that I need to trust him.  D-Dog makes me smile.  He is my little conversationalist.  He is strong, fearless, and competitive.  His idea of a good time is taking his bike around the skate park and nearly "eating it" several times.  I'm nervous when I see his adrenaline kick in. :)  D-Dog is so different from me.  He is level-headed and he knows what he wants.  He hangs with the big boys during the day, but he sucks his thumb and holds his blankie at night.  Maybe because of his young age, or maybe because of his personality, he really handled the tornado well.  He talks about it, but it doesn't scare him.  I want to be like D-Dog!  I can't wait to see the plans God has for him.  I know he is here for a purpose and I am beyond grateful that I get to be part of his story.  I have no doubt that he will give me gray hair.  And I'm pretty sure he will keep me on my toes.  Birthday requests for this year were a disco ball and a motorcycle.  hmmmm.  Happy Birthday, D-Dog.  I hope you always know how much you are treasured.  I hope I always allow you to be the guy that you were created to be and that I never hold you back with my own fears.  You will do amazing things with your life.  And I get to watch it unfold.  How blessed am I!!!

Happiness is:

B!!!

This boy brings joy to the field.  He has a sweet positive attitude.  He encourages his teammates, spins, dances, and laughs.  Soccer is not about competition for this guy.  It is about having fun.  With that said, he ran like crazy.  He did his job.  He played his heart out and walked away with a smile on his face.  Here are a few photo highlights.  My lighting wasn't as good...please excuse the fuzziness and poor exposure. :)

"Got them moves like Jagger"

I have a crush on a soccer player.  He is scandalously young. :)  Nope...it isn't Beckham. It is D-Dog!  I knew he would be a star.  I knew he would be amazing.  He has more athletic ability in his finger than I do in my whole body.  Last night was his first game.  He played his little heart out.  His team won 7-2.  And I had so much fun watching him.  I love who he is.  I love how God created him.  Here are a few pics of the night. :) He's number "5" in case you didn't recognize him.

Look at that arm !

This is my favorite!  He strikes fear!! :)

and he still finds time to talk to the ladies! :)

BRING IT!!!!!

 Yesterday was a craptastic day.  My social worker canceled the meeting because of illness.  I completely understand that.  People get sick.  But, I'm not holding my breath for her to call me back to reschedule.  I've left one phone message and an email...that are, as yet, un-returned.  (SIGH)
My pants don't fit.  Most people (my husband) would say..."have you thought about working out?"  Yep!  I thought about it. But then I went to the pantry and pulled out a chocolate bar.  It may sound like I'm making an excuse for my weight gain.  I could make a legitimate argument that I've had a bit of stress lately.  But, it is just my laziness.  Why can't I be sassy about going to the gym?  I vacillate between:  I need to work off 20lbs at the gym so my pants fit...and...can't I just buy bigger pants???  Maybe I was "born this way."  (credit: Gaga)
But when you see a pregnant woman in her last trimester and you wish wish wish that you were 9 mo. pregnant too, just so you'd have an excuse for your tummy and butt expanding... you I should put a plan in motion.
So, the rest of my craptastic day included a six panel door falling off of my laundry area.  That looks super!

Then, at 10:30, I tried to go out into the garage and couldn't open the door.  Hubby and I fought with it for about 30 minutes before crushing the crazy thing and breaking it.  That looks super too!

By the time we went to bed last night, I felt pretty defeated. I looked at my husband and said, "What in the world are we doing?"  We have hit every obstacle in the book for this adoption.  Things are falling apart around us.  I'm tired, crabby and on the verge of giving up.  And I think our 4:00 dinner hour is the impetus for my weight gain.  'Cause, I'm so stinkin' hungry at 10pm that I eat again.  So, dinner is actually just a REALLY BIG afternoon snack.

It has been difficult for me not to completely abandon this journey.  At times, I've actually wondered out loud if God is trying to shut the door on us and we're too dense to understand it.  But, a sweet pastor posted recently about the difference between trials meant to refine us and trials meant to discipline us.  These two things are different.  God can use trials to bring us closer to Him when we've wandered away.  But, He can also use trials to deepen our faith and our trust in Him as He prepares us for the next big thing..  I want so badly to be faithful.  I want my children...and their children...to say that no matter what, I was faithful.  So, I need focus.  Because the world tells me that "if it don't come easy...let it go!".  But God's word tells me this:  
 Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.  For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.  So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. (and ready for an international adoption)  If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.  But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind.  Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.  Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do. James 1:2-8
Maaaayyyybeeee, God is working out his plan in two very flawed people and the refinement is part of the process.  Would I be prepared for God's amazing plan in my current state?  Only He knows that.  Apparently, there is still work to do. :)  So, to the world that says, "if it is hard work, let it go."  And the enemy that hates redemption in any form, and the items in my house that are falling apart on a daily basis, I say... loud and clear, BRING IT!  I can take it.  Because I'm not on my own.  I've got back-up...His name is God...and maybe you haven't heard, but  He's kind of  big deal! :)

The snapshots we never take.

My husband and I were sitting in the study last night talking.  He was playing the part of the tired man and I was playing the part of the crabby woman.  So, you can imagine that the love was not exactly flowing.  The past week has been a hectic one.  Hubby has been very busy with work.  The kids are in several sports in the evening. (yes...we eat dinner at 4:30 now) and they are all starting school.  I'm aiming at being super organized and start making dinner at lunchtime. :)  But, I'm struggling a little with this school schedule.  6am is WAY too early to be up.  I'm a night owl.  I love staying up until 1am to fold laundry or clean the kitchen and bathrooms.  But, when I tried that and then had to get up at 6am, it wasn't pretty, my friends!

So, as we were sitting and arguing talking passionately about piano lessons for the kids, I looked up and saw that the computer was playing a picture slide-show of our greatest hits.  We are literally smiling or doing something fantastic in every picture.  And it made me ponder on the fact that we don't usually take pictures of the rough parts of life.  I wonder how it would impact me to have a slide-show of the "real" moments playing out on my computer.  What about the picture of Hubby and I completely exasperated with our children...or our family broken by sadness and loss.  Where's the picture of us crying, fighting, or just being boring.  Now, I'm not suggesting that we start carrying a camera around to capture the mundane of life.  But, I do wonder if it would provide a more balanced view of myself.  Because, quite frankly, if I judge my life based on the happy photos scrolling across my computer, we're a big fat party!  The reality is, more of my life is filled with me on my knees in prayer, or looking at facebook (Hello, my name is jill and I am a facebook addict).  I can most often be found in my kitchen cooking or helping my kids fight through homework, or breaking up fights, or breaking up fights, or breaking up fights...sorry. It does feel like a broken record sometimes.  I can be found putting my kids to bed and just laughing and talking about their day.  Or taking a bath and getting lost in a new book. (yes.  we are all glad that there are no pics of that!)  Or, just staring at my husband and soaking in all of the features that I've know so long...but still get butterflies over.  The story is, that we don't take these pictures.  We don't have them in a collection.  And we don't have the opportunity to see how silly we look when our veins stick out and we yell.  I guess the album will have to be in the stories my children tell.  They will remember all of the good, bad, and ugly.  They will remember all of my crazy quirks...and hopefully they will take with them (along with the wonderful photos we've gathered along the way) the entire picture of who we are and what we're about.  Although, I will be a little more intentional about the pics I take in the future.  Here's my first effort.  A pic of me...writing this blog...photo credit goes to D-Dog.  He took a lovely posed one, but then he set up this shot.  We both agreed that this face was closer to reality than the first one.  So, sorry for burning your eyes! :)

Funerals SUCK!

Hubby and I went to the funeral home last night.  A friend of ours, a sweet man, lost his wife this week.  I won't lie.  It put me in a really weird place.  We were in line for two hours before we made it up to offer our condolences.  I actually heard people muttering about the wait...seriously?  A man's life is forever changed and you're worried about standing in line too long?  Grrrr.  Anyway...
I was a hot mess.  I kept having to count light fixtures to keep from crying in line.  I know I looked like a freak.  I mean, this woman wasn't my sister.  But, still...I kept thinking about how fragile life is.  I thought about how much I never want to be the one standing next to the casket having to say goodbye to someone I love.  It made me think about how much I never want to lose my husband...or my children...or my parents...
As we approached our friend, I broke into the "ugly cry".  Yeah, I have no control.  This man is such an interesting part of our story because after the tornado, he is one of the men that put our home back together.  He was here day after day working sweetly and compassionately.  I hugged him and told him that he helped us put our lives back together.  I wish I could do the same for him.  It was sad.  When we got home, Hubby and I were grabbing clothes out of our closet and I started to cry again.  Hubby looked at me and smiled. "I know"  he said. Our friend put together all of our closet organization.  I can't walk anywhere in this house without thinking of his kindness.
Hubby reminded me that this life is just a blip on the line of eternity.  But, when you lose someone...doesn't that blip feel like eternity?  Ironically, while I was putting my kids to bed last night, B asked me to read the Bible to him.  I read them a Bible story and then B and D-Dog started talking about having Jesus in your heart.  B asked me if the lady we went to offer our sorrow for last night was a Christian.  "Yes," I said.  D-Dog asked me if he had Jesus in his heart.  "Not yet, buddy...but I know you will soon.  You have to just listen for when God is putting it in your mind that you are ready."  D-Dog said, "I'll be ready tomorrow."  Big smiles...because everything for him happens "tomorrow".  Our conversation reminded me that three out of four of my kids have given their lives to Christ.  And I know D-Dog will be there soon.  There is so much hope and peace in that.  These verses keeps running through my mind from 1 Thessalonians 4:
¹³ Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. ¹⁴ For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. ¹⁵ According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. ¹⁶ For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. ¹⁷ After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. ¹⁸ Therefore encourage one another with these words. 

So, we have the hope of eternal life.  Even though I was kind of ripping on Adam and Eve last night. ;)  But, I still maintain...and I'm pretty sure everyone will agree...funerals SUCK!

That's life!

I will just tell you that in this moment, I am experiencing pure bliss!  I am completely sleep deprived after three of our children needed me throughout the night because of bad dreams.  Hey...at least they grouped it and didn't spread it out over three nights. :) 

I am sipping a warm cup of Trader Joe's chai in my new study.  The windows are open and a beautiful crisp breeze is blowing in.  I am wrapped in an afghan that my mother lovingly crocheted.  My kids are happy and healthy.  My husband is gainfully employed.  And we are off to a good start with our wacky schedule. 

Our house feels fantastic thanks to a whole house attic fan...that ironically sounds just like a tornado when it is running...no lie!  We ran it last night and I still turned on my noisy little white fan to cover the sound of it.  Hubby said, "why don't you turn that crazy loud thing off..."  My reply:  "ummmm, because I hate the sound of our house fan.  It sounds like a flippin' tornado, it freaks me out, and I don't want to listen to it."  His reply:  (silence).  Right?  Because what can you really say in response to that? 

Hubby has worked until 10pm the last two nights.  He has a lot of work to do. So, that has left me in charge of getting four kiddos ready for school (oh yeah, kids....let's catch up on math.) And since we haven't done one math worksheet the entire summer, let's do twelve practice sheets a day...K?  alright!  My calendar is so full already it is ridiculous.  I have a child in Scouts, Two kids in soccer and one in football.  And none of them practice at the same time.  :)

We went shopping yesterday and baby D picked out this hat.  I couldn't refuse.  He looks so adorable!

Well, I have to get my butt in gear today.  I have 12 (no lie) loads of laundry to fold.  Yes, they are wrinkled...don't judge!  I have to pass an emissions test with my jalopy van, pay way too much money for a tiny sticker that goes on my license plate,  plan a party for tomorrow, clean up the house...and, oh yes, get in three months of math review today.  The dog just woke up my youngest...so it is go time.  But hey...that's life. :)  And I wouldn't trade it for anything!!!  Hope you all have a blissful day!  Thanks for reading.
jill

Back to School

Am I the only one NOT looking forward to the kids going back to school?  I feel like this summer has gone by way too quickly.  Moving back into the house and the surgery took up most of our summer.  We finally went after school supplies yesterday because we start school in just over a week.  (and my husband woke me up to that reality and drug me out to hellmart, Walmart.) In a few days, the kids will hop on the bus for the first time here since February 25...the Friday before the tornado.  I'll be honest.  I'm not excited about letting them all out of my sight every day.  I am a bit of a control freak...I'm working on that. :)  But I know I'll miss them.  I'll miss the way they interact with each other and I'll miss all of the silly things we laugh about during the day.  I'll miss the lazy mornings in pajamas and the late night talks.  I'll miss the laid back feel of summer.  I'll miss my buddies.  They all have such unique personalities.  I know I'll still have those moments throughout the school year.  But it will be rushed. It will be different.  I'm afraid I'm going to start talking to the dog like a crazy person.  I know...D is only in preschool.  I'll have him in the mornings to myself.  That will be wonderful.  I think the thing that bothers me the most about the start of school, though, is the reminder that things change.  I have a child in middle school this year!  How did that happen?  No, seriously...don't answer that.  I know how it happened.  :)  Anyway...as summer draws to a close, and I am forced to adopt some sort of routine...be patient with me.  It has been a very tough year.  And I'm treasuring my children more than ever before.  It was only five and a half months ago that I was on my back getting beat up by wind and drywall begging God not to take my babies.  You don't go through something like that without changing.  So, if I'm forgetful, or a little "off" give me a small break as I learn to loosen my grip on my kiddos.  I'm still working through the madness of 2011.

 

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice...

Today I held my two year old niece through a movie at the theater.  I was completely distracted!  She slept through almost the entire thing on my lap.  As I looked down at her, I soaked up her girly-ness.  She is so different from my boys.  She loves painted fingernails, jewelry, dresses, and dolls.  As she melted into a pool of toddler style sleep, I studied her.  I noticed her adorable pink sandals, and her pink and white "B" (blanket).  I saw her sweat drenched long hair splayed out across my arm.  And I couldn't help but think...dream...hope.  What will my daughter look like?  Will she trust me enough to fall asleep in my arms?  How long will it take to meet her?  Will I be a good mom to a girl.  I love my boys more than life itself.  But, I am excited to experience something new and different with a daughter.  I just wish I didn't have to experience a year-and-a-half  of "expectation" to get to her.  Right now, the reality of her is still many months away.  But, the dream of her is stored safely...right next to my heart. :)

FAMILY

Hubby's family is in town.  We are having a blast.  We've been to baseball games, American Idol, the theatre, and six flags.  We've laughed a lot.  Uncle G got to show off his medical skills at the lake, and WE PASSED OUR HOMESTUDY SAFETY CHECK!  Only one more visit and then we wait for our social worker to write up the very large paper that will be our official homestudy.  But, within a couple of weeks, we should be licensed foster parents.  YAY! :)  It feels amazing to move forward.

 Noodle gets his nails painted

Hubby and I at American Idol

The whole group at the concert 

My nieces made the rockin' shirts for us

Hubby and I at the lake

 

The day I thought would never come

Ok, friends...I have some VERY exciting news to share!  In about five hours, a social worker will appear at my door to collect a mountain of paperwork, lots of our dollars, and complete our home inspection.  This is a day that has been a long time coming.  If you remember, it was originally scheduled for five days after our tornado.  That was five months ago.  Five months is what it has taken to rebuild our lives and move back in.  When we started this journey, I never could have imagined that we'd experience such a set-back.  Someday I might understand the timing of all of this...or maybe I just won't care after it all plays out.  Speaking of timing...as we were hanging out on the lake last night with Hubby's family, B took a direct hit to the face with a water gun.  NICE.  My first thought...is B okay?  My second thought...this will be great for our homestudy visit tomorrow! :)  But, thanks to some skin glue and my bro-in-law, the surgeon...we skipped stitches.  Poor guy!  He wowed everyone with his bravery!!