The Desert

I am deep in the heart of the desert right now.  I have a tent set up and the grains of sand are filling my eyes.  This is not a place I am familiar with and I desperately want to leave.  If desire could pull me out...I'd be gone already.  I'm not even really sure how I got here.  I guess the stressful events of the past year haven't exactly helped.  I am still struggling with the tornado.  I know that probably sounds stupid.  But, it has been on my mind a lot lately.  For some reason, I keep getting flashes of the moment it hit.  I can hear the sound of the house coming apart and I can feel the sensation of being lifted.  I can smell the drywall mixed with rain and sense the insulation filling my lungs.  Last night I had a nightmare about it.  I was trying desperately to get my kids out of a room and into the basement.  But, we couldn't get there fast enough.
I think the problem is that I so vividly remember feeling close to God.  I remember the passion that drove me to seek out an orphan across the globe.  Lately, I will stand in worship with my hands raised focusing so deeply on the words...meaning them so much yet feeling empty.  I WANT God to move my heart.  I want to FEEL something.  But...I feel numb, tired, and weary.
I know deep in my heart that I love God.  I want to be obedient and I want to live for Christ.  I feel forgiven and I know the difference between chasing after the world and chasing after the things that matter.  I'm not lost...just in a rut??.  Maybe quiet is what I need.  There is so much noise in my life.  Maybe a husband that is present is what I need.  I've missed that companionship.  He is so busy.  Maybe I just need to drink more water and get more sleep.  I don't know.  I just feel off...
The adoption has made me a crazy mess.  Some days I wonder why in the world we're even doing this.  It is not easy.  I guess I should clarify and say that "for us" it has not been easy.  We have literally hit every roadblock in the game.  I'm still not confident that we'll ever get an approved home study.  Who would have thought that it would be this difficult?
If you read this blog and follow along on this journey...would you please pray for me.  I am feeling a bit defeated and down lately.  I won't give up.  I will finish the race set before me...
But, I know that right now I need to humble myself and ask for your prayers to draw me closer to Christ and to find the passion that I need to continue on.  I know that Christianity isn't an emotion.  And I don't need to feel a "spiritual high" all of the time.  But, I also know what it feels like to be in the arms of Christ and I feel distanced from that now.
Thanks and love to you all!