Blah, Poop, Crap...will I ever grow up?

Okay, so I'm a hot mess.  Well, maybe I'm not hot...just a mess. :)  I feel like my emotions are all over the place lately.  Does anyone have a Sam's sized bottle of Midol anywhere?  Yesterday was WONDERFUL.  We had a blast celebrating B's birthday.  We went to McDonald's playland for lunch and daddy met us there.  And as soon as Hubby was off work, we went bowling.  My abs hurt today from that experience.  Daddy was uber competitive against his wife that can't bowl to save her life and four kids playing with bumpers.  It was a riot!  But, after all the kids were in bed, my mind became filled with discontentment.  I was consumed by the people in B's life that didn't even remember it was his birthday.  I was crabby that our social worker is super busy right now.   I got really frustrated with the sssssllllllllllloooooooooooooowwwwwwww pace of this insane adoption.  And then I read that my friend (also adopting from China) got her immigration approval.  I was simultaneously happy for her and sad for me.  That should have been us.  Why isn't that us?  I can't even get my homestudy completed.  But then I went on facebook and saw something that stopped me in my tracks.  There is a sweet mommy out there that just gave birth to her first child.  She is currently sitting in a hospital listening to doctors tell her that her newborn baby doesn't have brain activity and that he probably won't make it.  They had an emergency birth and a cord issue.  My heart is heavy for her.  My heart breaks for her.  I can't imagine the fear and pain she is feeling.  I'm sorry, God, for complaining.  I'm sorry for my discontent.  I'm sorry that it is taking me a thousand tries to get it right.  Thank you that I got to celebrate my child's birthday.  Thank you that the timing of adoption is obviously in your hands.  And thank you for loving me enough to stop my spiral of self-pity with a healthy dose of reality.  Maybe today I'll get it right.  But if I don't...I know you have enough grace to get me to tomorrow...where I'll try again.

My Sweet B is 7!!

I took this picture when he was almost three years old.  My how time has flown.  As I tucked him in tonight, I kissed his sweet cheek and dove in toward his soft delicious neck to smell the scent that belongs to him alone.  I said, "I can't believe this is the last time I'll tuck you in as a six-year-old."  I held back tears.  His childhood feels like it is flying past me like a high-speed train.  I want to reach out and stop it.  And I want to give it the freedom to go.  Being a mom means holding a thousand emotions in your heart at the same time.  This little guy is my tender-hearted one.  He asks the most insightful questions and he deeply cares about everything and everyone.  He loves the hardest and he hurts the deepest when his heart is broken.  He has maintained his loyalty to the aisle of marriage with a girl he fell in love with at the age of two, and hasn't seen for three years.  But, they exchange coloring sheets and sticks of gum through the mail.  His heart belongs to her...what loyalty this is.  Just ask him.  He will tell you with all the confidence of a man about to propose...the name of the betrothed never changes.  Let's just hope she feels the same way...in twenty years. :)
My solace for the night is this:  While I grieve the closing of another chapter of his life, he will wake up tomorrow morning with the same smile, the same hugs, the same kisses and the same heart.  He will climb into my bed and ask me what's for breakfast and he will drive me crazy for his presents.  And I will treasure him...and his seven-ness.  Until the night I tuck him in on his last night of that year too...and tell my heart that the numbers might change, but the heart of my child will remain the same.
Happy Birthday, B!  It is one of the biggest blessings of my life to be your mom!

14 years of marriage and counting...

If I had written an ad for what the past fourteen years would end up looking like..it would read like this:
SWF looking for SWM.  Must love Jesus.  Must be willing to have (and support) four children...with an International adoption (or two...just sayin') to follow.  Must be willing to adapt to my many mood swings.  Must listen to my very long stories.  Must love spending time with my parents.  Must enjoy chick flicks and chocolate. (or at least put up with them).  Must follow along on all of my whims...I want to be a teacher, no, a photographer, no, a baker, no, a social worker.  Must support me in being a stay at home mom to our five thousand kids.  Must be willing and able to carry entire family through a horrific tornado, displacement and pay for the kids' therapy.  Must stand by my side during surgery and love me even though I start to resemble Scarface.  Must give up practically all of your "me time" to support and love your family and never regret a single thing on the list.  And through all of this, must love me unconditionally and fall asleep every night holding my hand and telling me you love me...and that you love our life together.

Had this ad been posted, there is only one man crazy and amazing enough to reply...and stick.  Hubby, I don't know how you have the energy, strength, and resolve to love us the way you do, but you have given me an amazing life.  I have security that you'll always be faithful.  I have your love for life.  And I  know that no matter what lies ahead in the next fourteen years...Lord willing...we'll walk it together.  I love you more than you'll ever know.  Happy 14th Anniversary!

Don't you steal my freaking joy!

Okay...simmering down a little.  Have you ever felt like you were being attacked on all sides?  Like you just wanted someone to sit down with you and say, "Hey, I'm totally on your side.  You make sense to me.  I get it!".  I've been walking this road with Christ long enough to know that the enemy hates everything good and beautiful.  So, I'm expecting attacks from him.  I've already got my Bible ready to beat the crap out of Satan's head when he puts doubts in my mind.  But, the doubts I create myself and the ones coming from people I love are more difficult to manage.  Even my husband is proving to be a little squeamish  about adopting a child with special needs.  Yes.  He is practical and I am Pollyanna.  If not for him, we would have a tribe from Africa living in our family room with no way to feed them.  I need his discernment and his practicality.  But, I'm just so stinkin' passionate about this that it almost makes me sick to have opposition.  This isn't a new game for me.  I have four kids.  I know that raising them is difficult...especially when you're raising them with some pretty specific expectations.  But, come on...go with me here.  I'm not looking for a "normal" child.  What is that anyway?  I'll be the first to say that my bio kids aren't exactly normal.  Sorry, kids...but you have your own little unique traits.  But, I know this.  While everyone else is out trying to adopt a "normal" kid, the "abnormal" beauty with the completely deformed right hand is languishing in an orphanage.  All because we are too crazy comfortable and we don't want our lives rocked.  And what will become of her when she is no longer little and adoptable?  Wanna know the sad, sick, and scary truth?  Probably prostitution.  So, she becomes a prostitute because I don't feel like filling out the 8 billion pieces of paper to go after her.  Or because I'm just not comfortable trying to raise the money to pay for her freedom.  Or because I'm just too scared to upset my cozy little life.  Sorry!  I can't do that.  I can't walk away.  So, yes.  I have fallen in love with a child with special needs.  I want to be her mom.  I want to hold her, care for her, give her brothers, and a daddy.  I want to pour everything I have into her and give her the opportunity to be exactly who God created her to be.  I'm signing up for the good, bad and ugly.  If that makes me crazy...than I don't want to be sane.  You can pity me, call me crazy, and wonder what in the world makes me tick...just don't steal my freakin' joy!  Oh, and I'm going to bed now. Because I'm seriously tired and crabby and I'll probably regret this little tirade in the morning. :)

Country Road, Take Me Home

The kids and I recently went to stay with my parents on their farm.  They invited us to attend the County fair and to spend the night.  I have to be honest.  The County fair is tied up with many of my favorite memories as a teenager.  It was a huge event.  Everybody...and I mean, Everybody was at the fair.  There were booths filled with free give-away items.  There was junk food, fair food, music, stalls of cows, pigs, sheep, rabbits, etc...There were tractor races, lots filled with machinery, and 4-H projects galore.  And of course...for this boy crazy girl...there were boys!
It was a lot of fun to go back and experience.  But it made me somewhat sad.  Times have changed.  The fair isn't what it used to be.  Dad attributes it to the death of the American farm family.  It was completely different and much smaller than I remembered.  The kids had a great time.  They stood and yelled, "BAAAAAA" at the sheep and broke into hysterical giggles when the sheep would "BAAAA" back at them.  They gathered free items, and filled up on junk food.  It was a wonderful time to just be with my parents.  But, it felt like the end of an era.  And I started to feel a very strange feeling in the pit of my stomach.  My parents won't farm forever.  This is my heritage.  This is "home" to me.  I am so grateful that my boys have grown up knowing this life.  I love that they know exactly where their food comes from.  I love escaping from my surroundings and going back to the simple existence that is my childhood home.  I went out to my car this morning and a small toad was jumping on the rocks in front of my foot.  I heard the very loud call of the "bob white" bird.  And for just a moment, I was 10 years old...without a care in the world...at home...with my parents.   I know I have to be a grown-up.  But, it allowed me to step back in time for a few minutes and pray a prayer of thanksgiving for the childhood I had and for the wonderful relationship I have with my mom and dad.

Here are a few of our memories:

sunset.  love it!

SHHHHHHH!

Mom and Dad

Mom and Noodle

The boys

Adoption: Game ON!

Well, friends...It is Monday.  A fresh start to a new week.  Now that we are settling back into our home and the surgery is behind me, it feels like the right time to start dreaming of the future.  We've been hanging out for so long in survival mode that it feels strange to get back out of the boat and start swimming again.  But, that is what I'm committed to do.  Hubby and I had a great conversation the other day about living full out for Christ.  What does that mean?  Lately, that has meant holding on to God with our fingertips and praying that He will sustain us through the valleys.  But, it feels like now is the time to peek out from the safety of His arms and see what He sees.  And He sees a hurting world...so we see that too.
We found ourselves at a crossroad.  Circumstances had led us to a place where we had to make a choice.  Do we abandon the pursuit of adoption?  Or do we continue to chase it?  We prayed!  Hard!  Because we all know that it would be easier not to pursue something that would require sacrifice.  I asked Hubby if he felt like all of the awful things we've dealt with lately are closing doors?  I even said, I wonder if these are stumbling blocks...here to keep us from making a huge mistake.  But, that very day, a friend sent me a beautiful card.  I read through it...but then I felt the Holy Spirit pushing me to read it again...slowly.  At the end of the card it referenced "the rocks that have seemed like stumbling blocks."  And encouraged me to see them as "stepping stones" instead.  Yeah, ok.  I get it.
So, we made a bold move.  We switched local agencies.  We were sad to do it...and we left with friendships intact.  But our agency couldn't assist us with China anymore because they lacked a specific accreditation.  So...we are signing up under another agency.  We received our original paperwork back and I'm hoping we only have to re-do reference letters and finish out the homestudy.  I went through all of our dossier paperwork last night and should only have to reorder two documents because of expiration dates.  So, the adoption is back on...
It is still too soon to start dreaming of pink.  I won't let myself do that yet. This is still God's story...His timing.  I've learned that!  But, out of nowhere, my children have started praying hard for their baby sister from China.  We haven't talked with them about it since the night before the tornado.  But it seems like God is preparing their hearts.  Oh how I love these boys.

Who is this crazy chick???

Who am I???  I was really struggling with this concept last night.  I felt an overwhelming and oppressing feeling about it.  After a week of post-surgical seclusion, I decided to venture out to our church's Bible School carnival.  It kind of felt like a candy store...you know...all of your favorite candies in one location. :)  Well, it was a large collection of some of the most amazing people I am blessed enough to know.  Can you tell I love our church?  But, this week felt really off.  I love working Bible school.  It is an energy infused, sweaty mess of kids, singing, laughing, crafting, playing, and learning about God.  It is a chance to invest one-on-one with children and show them they are special.  It is a chance to do something with an eternal impact.  So, it felt weird to not be part of it.  As I saw all of the leaders running around with their colored shirts talking with kids, I felt a little, well, jealous.  And...we pretty much spiraled down from there.  I spent the rest of the night in various conversations.  And people were wonderful.  Everyone said sweet things about the way I looked and the benign status of my tumor.  But as I was talking with everyone, all of the fear, doubt, insecurity, and lies started to creep in.  I had a constant stream of secondary conversation taking place in my head between me and myself.  Wait til these people find out I am a fraud. I've had more insane conversations with God than they can comprehend.  They think I'm all spiritual.  They don't know that at one point, I was ready to throw in the towel on my faith.   They will all get tired of me soon.  I have hit my drama limit.  First a tornado, then a tumor...soon they will realize that I am way too high maintenance of a friend to keep around.  I even found myself thinking, "Why do any of these people really want to be my friend?"  Am I coming on too loud with my attempts at friendship?  Do I seem needy?  Self-focused?  Do I make enough meals for people?  Do I listen enough? Do I offer to watch enough of my friends' kids?  Do I volunteer enough at church?  Do I smile enough?  Do I pray enough?  Do I give God glory, or try to steal it for myself? Do I look like a good enough wife?  Do I look like a good enough mom?  Am I a loser for staying at home?  Should I go get a "real" job?  
And finally...the blessed Holy Spirit realized that my head was about to spin off in the parking lot...and I heard a firm and loving  SHUT UP!!!!!
and the voice of Truth (Thank you, Dawn for that teachable moment that was meant for your kids, but spoke to me) silenced the rantings in my head.  And this is what I heard instead:

I am God's child ~ John 1:12

 I am a friend of Jesus Christ ~ John 15:15

I have been justified ~ Romans 5:1

I am united with the Lord, and I am one with Him in spirit ~ 1 Corin. 6:17

I have been bought with a price, and I belong to God ~ 1 Corin. 6:19-20

I am a member of Christ's body ~ 1 Corin. 12:27

I have been chosen by God and adopted as His child ~ Ephesians 1:3-8

I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins ~ Colossians 1:13-14

I am complete in Christ ~ Colossians 2:9-10

I have direct access to the throne of grace through Jesus Christ ~ Hebrews 4:14-16

I am free from condemnation ~ Romans 8:1-2

I am assured that God works for my good in all circumstances ~ Romans 8:28

I am free from any condemnation brought against me, and I cannot be separated from the love of God ~ Romans 8:31-39

I have been established, anointed, and sealed by God ~ 2 Corin. 1:21-22

I am hidden with Christ in God ~ Colossians 3:1-4

I am confident that God will complete the good work He started in me ~ Philippians 1:6

I am a citizen of Heaven ~ Philippians 3:20

I have not been given the spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind ~ 2 Timothy 1:7

I am born of God, and the evil one cannot touch me ~ 1 John 5:18

I am the branch of Jesus Christ, the true vine, and a channel of His life ~ John 15:5

I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit ~ John 15:16

I am God's temple ~ 1 Corin. 3:16

I am a minister of reconciliation for God ~ 2 Corin.5:17-21

I am seated with Jesus Christ in the heavenly realm ~ Ephesians 2:6

I am God's workmanship ~ Ephesians 2:10

I may approach God with freedom and confidence ~ Ephesians 3:12

I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me ~ Philippians 4:13

 Victory Over the Darkness:
Realizing the Power of Your Identity in Christ
by Neil T. Anderson

If you have found yourself in the same place as me, I encourage you to read each one out loud and claim it.  The enemy will try to make us question who we are.  But, God's word shows us daily who we really are.  Yeah, I'll step it up on the meals for friends, I'll get back into the groove of serving at church and I'll pray that God makes me a better listener and friend.  But, I'll cling to the verses that remind me of who I am in Christ. 

My Face Lift

still a little bruised and swollen

D-Dog is my buddy.  He spent tons of time with me playing "baby animals"

All I can say is this:  I will never get a face-lift.  Wow!  pain!!  I feel like a loser for falling back on my pain meds at night.  But there is a constant pulling and heaviness under my ear.  Yesterday I stayed off of meds and even ventured out, but by 3pm I was toast.  I slept for two hours.  While I was out, I was super insecure about what people must think about my one-sided face lift. :)  If only they knew...Tornado, then a tumor.  But, then I look at the picture above and remember that I am quite possibly the luckiest woman in the world.  I have beautiful babies!! :)

Letting Go:

This morning, my eleven year old son left for a Scout camp in Arkansas.  He will be gone for one whole week and I have no control over his safety or his surroundings.  And I have perfect peace.  I have learned over the past few months that we only control the choices we make.  We are responsible for our own decisions.  But there are so many things we can't control.  I couldn't control the tornado and I had no control over the tumor.  But, God has held me through both.  I can clearly see that He holds our family.  As I hugged Z this morning and sent him off for an adventure and a little bit of freedom, I wasn't letting go of my son and sending him into a wacky world.  I was letting go and releasing him into God's care.  One of the beautiful reasurrances that I have as a Christian is that wherever my kids go...God goes with them.  Z has Christ in his heart.  I cannot imagine ever losing such a vibrant part of my life.  But, I have peace.  God goes with Z and Z goes with God.  That leaves me free to pray for him, recover from surgery, and spend a little extra time with the other three kids.  Those of you that know me well, know that this completely goes against my character.  I am the girl that used to constantly write a "worst case scenerio guide" in my head at all times.  I could tell you what could and would go wrong in every situation.  Fear ruled my life.  Throughout my life lessons, I've been watching God chisel away at my fear.  It is a painful thing...but it is a good thing.  I trust Him. 
So, my mom is leaving tomorrow.  I am super grateful for her help.  She has cooked, cleaned, taken care of kids, washed laundry, and sent me back to bed a thousand times.  I could not have come through this surgery without her.  My dad fed me cookies, tormented the kids, and kept track of my incision.  Hubby kept the pain pills coming, made sure I had lots to drink, and spent hours just sitting on the bed beside me while I slept.  Isn't it such a wonderful feeling to slip off into a drug-induced break from pain while your beloved is inches away.  AHHHH.  bliss!  Side note...he was writing a very interesting paper while he kept watch.  He's smart too!!
And, of course...I have to mention how amazing my kiddos have been.  D-Dog would come to bed with me and bring stuffed animals for me to swaddle.  We would sit and play "baby animals" during my awake times and he would just sit next to me sucking his thumb and holding his blanket while we watched a movie.  B transferred his clingy-ness to my mom!  Thank you, B.  That's enough! :)  Noodle jumped into the kitchen and helped my mom cook almost everything.  Wow!  That boy can cook.  And Z was so busy packing for camp, but he would stop to make sure to give me a quick hug and kiss.  What great kids~
Just a quick note to self...next time I have surgery...I will make sure a male friend isn't having surgery the same day.  Because when he shows up in public two days later in 150 degree temps, claiming to only be taking Tylenol while I'm amped up on Vicoden and sleeping my life away...I won't feel like such a loser! :)  You know who you are, EL!  Simmer down a little.  I'm praying that we both get amazing results from pathology this week.  But instead of following my usual M.O...I think I'll just "let go".

Take every 4 hours...as needed

Yep.  That is what my life has become over the past two days...  I'm living life four hours at a time.  All I can say is thank you , Jesus, for pain meds.  Surgery went great.  Hope to get good news soon that it is benign.  I don't remember anything after the anesthesiologist put a "cocktail" in my IV.  My next memory was of asking the recovery nurse how long I'd been there.  I guess the tumor was pretty big, but it wasn't very difficult to remove.  My incision starts in front of my earlobe and extends down my neck just a bit.  I am very swollen today on that side and starting to bruise.  From the front, you can see that my side sticks out freakishly.  I've now taken to calling myself "Gil" since I appear to have fish gills. :)  I've been a lazy bum.  I've slept a lot.  My mom has been a rockstar!  She's been cooking and cleaning and shopping for me.  She's even ignited the passion for cooking in Noodle.  He made her buy him his own oven mitt and begged for a cookbook of his own.  So cute!  Hubby hooked up a tv in our room so I could watch episodes of Glee when I'm awake.  Yay, Hubbs!  Other than that, my life is all about pain meds and sleep.  I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you for all of the prayers.  I have felt them.  Because of your prayers, I slept the night before surgery, went into it confident and unafraid, had a successful surgery with no nerve damage, and have had lots of love in recovery.  I am looking forward to a more boring and normal second half of 2011.  Thanks for hanging with me and for loving me through all this drama! :)  It is now 10 minutes til vicodin....and hopefully more sleep.  night all.
Love, Gil

Day Before Surgery "To Do" List

1.  Go for a run.
2.  Eat a whole bag of Twizzlers. (in case I can't chew for a while)
3.  Pray hard that my surgeon doesn't leave my face paralyzed.
4.  Kiss my husband and kids all day. (see #3)
5.  STOP GOOGLING PAROTIDECTOMY!!!

Please pray!  Mostly I have peace that everything will be okay.  But, a small part of me feels like throwing up in fear.  Whatever life class I'm in right now, I sure hope graduation day is approaching.  Girlfriend needs a break!

Tumor Talk and other Musings...

I have a lot of thoughts rolling around in my head tonight.  I feel like church really strengthened me today.  It was almost like an IV of faith being fed into my soul.  I love being reminded of the beautiful words of God concerning faith, and trust, and provision.  I love singing songs asking God to take my life as an offering, and to reign in me.  I don't love wondering if today will be the last time I ever sing.  I have fears.  No.  That is an understatement.  I have many fears.  My friend reminded me that this is something God is working out in me.  He doesn't want me to live a life of fear.
My surgery is Thursday.  If feels really weird planning an otherwise normal week knowing that I'm going under the knife in a few days.  I feel confident that the tumor is benign...or maybe I just don't have the emotional energy to worry about a different outcome.  I'm worried about recovery.  I don't like being off my game.  I want to feel like myself and care for my family.  I don't like being the one that everyone has to take care of.
We spent the afternoon cleaning out and moving boxes.  My heart felt relaxed and at peace watching my kids play with toys they haven't seen for several months.  My heart felt heavy and tired looking at all the boxes we have yet to go through.  Is it bad to want to throw everything in the dumpster?  One more insulation packed bag of crap might just be the catalyst to my breakdown. :)  Hubby pulled out a hospital blanket from the pile.  "Where did this come from?"  he asked.  "Oh,"  I said..."remember...that is what they wrapped me in to transfer me to the plastic surgeon."  I guess they didn't expect to get it back.  I probably paid four hundred dollars for it anyway.  Seeing that blanket took me back to the awful night it became mine.  "I'm not ready to go back to the hospital." I said.  It is too soon.  But, nothing operates on my time-line.  I have been schooled on that lately!
Adoption is on my mind a lot lately too.  Hubby and I have had multiple conversations about that.  For several months, we thought we knew what the adoption was going to look like....and it was female... and she was Asian.  But now?  Our hearts are very open to something different.  God has not confirmed it yet.  Wouldn't it be awesome if He would just spell it out?  It is His story... not ours.  It is His timing...not ours.  But, our hearts are ready...even if our heads have no clue what's coming.  But I love how it doesn't feel weird to put that much trust in someone.  I love that I can know that God holds our future...and our dreams...and our lives.
I'm going to bed now.  I'm sure I'll have visitors tonight.  I don't mind. I've never begrudged it.  I love comforting my kids in the middle of the night.  I love that they feel safe and secure when they are with  me.  I love that they can fall immediately back to sleep when I'm with them.  That is what I have with God.  He never gets tired of comforting me and I know He loves it when I rest in Him.  So, tonight...I rest in Him.

Band of Brothers

They are very silly

They are very playful

They all like dancing with seriously hot Moroccan women

They can adapt to new living situations

And they love each other like crazy!

Last night, Z had a friend sleeping over.  As I was taking everyone up to settle in for the night, it occurred to me that I hadn't really thought out the sleeping arrangements.  So, I said, "how do you guys want to sleep tonight?"  Our guest said, "Why don't Z and I sleep in the bunks in his room and Noodle can sleep in the guest room."  It made complete sense to him why Noodle might enjoy a room to himself.  Noodle looked like a deer in the headlights.   Z looked panicked.  Immediately, Z suggested that we drag the guest mattress in to his room so they could all sleep together.  You see, since that fateful February night, my kids haven't spent five seconds alone.  They take a buddy everywhere in the house.  They shower together, they go to the basement together, they sleep practically on top of each other, and there is an unspoken code between them. "No man gets left alone."

So, as I watched them figure out a way to stay together, I felt a weird pang deep in my heart.  The side effects of living through a tornado take longer to deal with than rebuilding a house.  But, I have also seen something in them over the past four months that I hadn't seen in them before.  Oh sure...they still fight like cats and dogs.  If you ever call my house, you'll hear evidence of that in the background.  But, they would also fight FOR each other.  And that is something that I hope they never lose.  My prayer is that no matter what they go through in life, that they will always have this strange and wonderful bond between them.  I pray that they will always look out for each other, protect each other, and love each other.  That, my friends, is a called a silver lining.  And lately, I'm all about the silver lining!