Grace

Please let that name settle into your heart and let it be part of your prayers today.  Grace is a four pound baby with multiple neurological issues.  We have made the heart wrenching decision not to adopt her.  Even after making the decision, I've cried every day for her.
And I've realized how selfish I am in this process.  You know, you can be pruned by God for so long and still have so far to go in the pursuit of Christ-likeness.  All week, I was brazen in my conversations with God.  I told him he was cruel.  I told him his plan didn't make sense.  "Why did you bring me into this story?  Why did you make me care?  You know me!  You knew my heart would break.  Why did you break my heart?"  But, at the onset of this story, everything God was speaking was about trust.  "Trust me!"  I thought he was asking me to trust him through the adoption of Grace.  Instead, he was asking me for something else.  "It's not about you!"  God gently whispered to me this week.  "It's not about you!"  "It is about her."  It is about the fact that a baby was born and abandoned and she had no one interceding for her.  No one praying for her.  Now she has people all over the world praying for her.  Her life has meant something.  She has made an impact.  She has taught me things about myself.  She has made us open to babies born in her same situation.  I would be lying if I said I knew the full meaning of all of this.  Just like I can't really tell you why anything in our lives has happened lately.  Two nights ago, I sat with B and explained to him that Grace was so sick...and that we couldn't adopt her.  He buried his face into his blanket and cried...a sweet, loving cry.  B is so much like me.  We love hard and we love fast!  We run across the street without looking both ways because we care so much about what is on the other side.  I can't wait to see how God uses that in my sweet son.  Just for clarification, he never met her.  We kept him from everything but the fact that we were visiting her and that she needed a family.  I've learned to protect his heart a bit.  When I was lamenting to a dear friend earlier this week, I made the comment that God's plan sucked!  With amazing wisdom, she responded with something that has put a tattoo on my heart and I hope to always remember.  She wrote, "No.  His plan is beautiful...it just isn't your plan."  As much as I think I could write the story better (can you imagine me in charge of the universe?) That would be a bi-polar experience! God does have a plan.  He is huge.  He can handle ALL of the details and he doesn't have to explain it all to me.  He can handle it when I question him.  (even though the lightning earlier this week did make me pause and hope that it wasn't intended for me. :)  And he has given me beautiful people to walk this crazy road with.  My husband, children, and amazing friends have been inspirational to me this week and they have helped keep my faith intact.  I am a very blessed girl.  And I'm learning.  And I have to be grateful that God even includes me in His plans.  What a privilege.  If the only reason he brought me into Grace's life was to pray for her and hold her...that is enough.  'Cause...its not about me.  Its about her.  I know that now.