Love Life

Today is a beautiful day.  There is rain in the forecast, it will be chilly, and my house is a disaster!  But, today is a beautiful day!  This morning, I got a visit from my youngest little man.  He is six and he still LOVES to snuggle me.  I am already sad for the day that he doesn't want that anymore!  He has written a book.  Yes...my six year old beat me to it. :)  Here is the first page:

It reads: (with corrected spelling)  "Sometimes I am alone.  Sometimes I am with people.  I love my mom and dad and my brothers.  I am glad that I have Jesus and God.  I love you God and Jesus.  I am glad that I have a life.  I love having a life.  Thank you for making me Jesus.  Thank you for making my brothers Jesus.  I really like them.

D-Dog is at a really wonderful age.  Every day feels like a new discovery as more of his personality emerges.  I am finding that there is something new to love about him constantly.

I have a friend that delivered her baby girl one month before D-Dog.  During our pregnancies, we compared notes and I lamented that she would be finished with her pregnancy a whole month before me.  Right after her daughter was born, she was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer.  And she has been fighting ever since.  The doctors told her initially that she wouldn't live to see her daughter's sixth birthday.  So, every year that passes for our kiddos, I am reminded of her valiant efforts to beat this stupid cancer.  Last year, our kids turned six.  It was so significant in my mind because I knew every day she spent with her family was not "just another day."  It was a gift.  It was time that she was told she would never have.  I have watched her live with purpose and intensity.  The clock is ticking for all of us...but she did something with the urgency.  Our babies will be turning seven this summer.  And my heart hurts because I don't know if she will make it to see that occasion.  She has fought a brave battle.  But, her war is almost over.  She is in hospice care for comfort as she fights through her last days.
She reminds me that we are not promised anything in this life.  All of our promises lie within eternity.  The only thing that really matters is what we do to show Jesus to the people around us.  And I know that I'll be kickin' it in Heaven with my sweet friend someday.

My son said it best in his paper.  "I am glad that I have a life.  I love having a life."  I wholeheartedly agree!  And as I watch D-Dog grow up, I will commit to pray for my friend's daughter.  As she hits milestones that her mama will not have the privilege of watching, I will pray for her.  Life is so fragile.  Please go out and live it well!  If not for yourself...do it for my friend, Jenny...who would give anything for just one more rainy, chilly day with a disaster of a house, and the laughter of her husband and daughter!

This was my little man this morning.  Is there anything more wonderful in the world than those eyes? :)

Fix our Eyes!

OK!  I have talked about my dog before.  He is a cute dog.  A sweet dog.  An adorable example of the canine race.  But sometimes he makes me crazy.  He constantly runs away.  He sheds all over the house.  He smells.  He gets into the trash.
On his resumé, he can list the following:
Good things I've done:  Helped the family find their way out after the tornado.
Bad things I've done: Everything else.

But for some reason...maybe its the eyes...we LOVE him!  We adopted him from a rescue group and raised him through potty training, losing baby teeth, WORMS (YUCK!)

He will forever be part of our family.  He will continue to sneak onto the bottom of the boys' beds at night.  And today, he taught me a lesson.

I let him out this morning and he immediately found a squirrel to chase.  Of course, like a scene from a cartoon chase, the squirrel ran up the tree toward safety.

And so he sits.  And sits.  And watches the tree with his neck craning upward.  Nothing can distract him from the prize.  The promise of doggy treats will not move him.  A run, a walk, or any other opportunity to pee on the neighbor's mailboxes will not pull him away.

And it is here:  In the early morning hours, that I am reminded of my own pursuit.  And this beautiful scripture comes to mind from Hebrews 12:2
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

God, please let me fix my eyes on you and not be distracted!  Help my heart to break daily for the people that don't know your love.  Take away the cynicism and doubts.  I want to chase after you like Toby chases after a squirrel...same passion...more worthwhile prize!

A new day...

You know how the people in prison mark off the days by scratching a line in the wall?  Oh really?  You've never been to prison? :)

I feel like last night was the first in what will probably be many marks on the wall.  I'm not marking off days...I'm marking off storms.  Last night dissolved into mayhem for us.  As I'm sure it did for you.  Only in our case, three of the kids huddled around a video game.  One sat clinging to his beloved "Wolfie" (the replacement one) crying and asking if we were going to die.  As any good mother, I sat on the floor with him crying and asking if we were going to die.  Es, sensing our anxiety, just sat quietly on my lap.  And Hubby went around grabbing shoes, food, water bottles, flashlights, and turning off gas and water to the house.  See how we roll in an emergency?  I'm Henny Penny.  And Hubby is Superman!

Obviously, if you watched channel 4, you know that we averted a major disaster.  Their coverage, while riveting, was ridiculous.  The radar looked like a meteor was headed for us and our town was at the epicenter.  In fact, they actually said, epicenter.  And two minutes out, the lion turned into a kitten and we were all spared.  Folks to the northwest of us were not so lucky.  I have prayed for them and their physical and emotional health today.

So, today dawned much colder and less anxiety-ridden than yesterday.  It was business as usual.  Make breakfast, make lunches, send kids to school, bathe Es, dr. appointment, bills to pay, rocks to spraypaint gold, dog to find, dog to bathe, dog to run over with my car, love.  etc...

And I am left processing my reaction to yesterday.  Maybe I really do need to get some counseling.  Or maybe I need some drugs for stormy days.  Or maybe I should stay away from social media when it rains.  I don't know. :(  All I know is this.  I am grateful for you, my friends.  I am thankful for the prayers, hugs, and love.  I am especially thankful for the laughs...intentional and otherwise.  I promise not to mention names.  But, an especially funny thing happened while we were in the basement waiting for armageddon to hit.  A young man that I serve with at church sent a very sweet text of encouragement.  He has shown his thoughtfulness on more than one occasion as far as my family is concerned.  But, in his text, he was writing about the awesomeness of God.  He declared that God is so powerful.  And the next line said, "God is a BREAST!"  Immediately, I got another text that said, "a beast...God is a BEAST!"  stupid autocorrect!  But, it was too late for my twisted humor.  God is a breast.  Yep....Those are the words that kept my feet on the ground last night.

And for the record...no disrespect intended for God.  He is precious to me.  And He is the one that holds me together when the world falls apart.  But, I like to believe that since He gave me a sense of humor, he would want me to use it in the middle of my storm.

Love you all!

That time of year...

Yes.  This is weather related.

No.  You don't have to read it.

I'm really struggling today.  Anxiety is high.  I already know that I don't need to be afraid.  I have God's word hidden in my heart.  And I know all the things I should be saying and feeling.  But, my brain isn't cooperating with the logic.  A friend mentioned PTSD after my last blog.  PTSD?  "Ain't nobody got time for that!"  She's probably right.  And no.  I'm not dealing with it.  I wanted to keep my kids home from school today.  I didn't.  I drove past the Culver's sign today and I swear I saw "Grilled Cheese and TORNADO soup.  ummm, maybe it said tomato.

The problem is:

When I see this:

It reminds me of this:

And then I think about this:

Troy, Illinois - EF2 Tornado

A National Weather Service Storm Survey Team investigated storm damage in Troy in Madison County, Illinois from the storms that occurred on February 27th. It was determined that a tornado touched down on Weathervane Road on the west side of town at approximately 11:45 PM. It was there that the tornado was at its strongest, an EF2, as it completely removed the roof from a well constructed home. One occupant received a serious head laceration and was treated at a local hospital. The tornado moved eastward at 60 mph, with a damage wath of 100 to 200 yards wide. The tornado continued to near the intersection of North Dewey Street and East Clay Street, where it lifted at approximately 11:48 PM. The path length was 2.5 miles long.

Which takes me back to this:

So, sorry for the melodrama.  :(  But that day defines me a little.  Even though the scars have healed and I now look like this:

Stay with me, friends.  I need you today.

Some Nights...

It stormed tonight.

B had a panic attack.

It broke my heart.

The timing worked out so that we were driving home in the storm tonight.  He was such a carefree guy only an hour before.  But, as soon as the lightening, rain, and thunder hit...he was a mess.

He asked me about "wolfie"  his stuffed animal that disappeared during the tornado.  It was his favorite stuffed animal.  He asked if I thought it was still out in the woods somewhere...or if it had disintegrated.

This was his room after it had been "cleaned up".  Immediately after the tornado, there was drywall blocking the door and sharp 2x4s had stabbed the bed where B had been sleeping.  I don't have the heart to tell him that "Wolfie" was found by my dad.  He had been stabbed by a sharp splintered 2x4 and the stuffing was gone.  My dad threw wolfie away.

This is how my babies looked in the days after the tornado:

And when it storms, they become the same frightened children that beg to sleep in my bed.

That's my spot...in the middle.  They both fell asleep tonight with their feet on my legs.  But, not until we had a long conversation about what we would do in the event of a fire. :(  (danger is real to them)
"How will we get out?"  asked D-Dog.  "Remember our plan?"  I asked.  "Yeah...but where will we live?"  He inquired.

And the weight of being a parent hit me square between the eyes.  They need reassurance.  They need to know that it will all be okay.  But when they ask if we will have a fire...what do I say?  When they ask if we'll have another tornado, what do I say?  The only answer I can honestly give is this:  If it happens, we will get through it.  We have each other and we have God.  Today, we sang a song in church.  "Never Once"  The lyrics are:  "Never Once did we ever walk alone.  Never once did you leave us on our own.  You are faithful...God, you are faithful."  As I look at our family and what we've walked through together...and as I look at my sweet daughter and think of what we walked through to adopt her...I know these words are true.  God is faithful.  And we NEVER walk alone.