It's not about me, It's about me...err, I mean, you!

I am restless!  As I sang that song last Sunday, it really resonated with me.  I am so restless.  I can't wait for anything!  This aspect of my personality has become the jumping-off point for many tantrums in my life.  I don't know if it is a feeling of entitlement because I live in a very rich country, or what.  But I have actually deluded myself into thinking that I deserve things in my own timing.  Oh sure, I pray about God's Will, but then I write up the story myself and push to make it happen.  Recent events have shown me a growing impatience within my soul toward this adoption.  As I read back over the story of Abram and Sarai, in Genesis, I saw a bit of a different view than I've seen before.  And, sadly, I related to the story in a very shameful way.  Imagine that God has promised you something that you've always wanted.  And to make it even worse, you've watched every one of your friends receive that item.  They all have what God has promised you...called you to.  I wish I could sit down with Sarah and ask her a million questions.  Was she fired up one night and when Abram got home did she sit him down and say..."Hey, God said he would give us children.  He's either forgotten his promise, or he wants us to figure it out ourselves."  "So, I have an idea.  Why don't you sleep with the maidservant!"  At this point, Abram should have been smart enough to see this for what it was.  What in the heck was Sarai thinking with this one?  God made a promise and Sarai wrote her own story.  So, Abram, in all of his testosterone filled madness agreed to this idea.  Boy, would I love to interview him too!  Abram sleeps with Hagar, they have a child which, what do you know, isn't the promised child of God and they open up a whole can of craptasticness (yes, I just made up that word.) God would go on to work out the story for everyone involved.  But it would be a story filled with heartache and tears.  Finally, God fulfills his promise and Abraham and Sarah give birth to Isaac.  This time, God writes his own story.  And, of course, it turns out to be the perfect story that we have the privilege of reading about throughout the Bible.  I highly recommend you start with the first book of the Bible to get this full story.  You'll be intrigued and glued...  It is a seriously racy tale!
Now, I would LOVE to think of myself as someone that waits on God.  But, the truth is, as soon as God calls me to something, I begin weaving my own story.  Because, let's be honest...I can always write the best story for me. :)  In the end, I'm the hero.  I am awesome.  I am cool.
But...after I gave my life to Christ, the story stopped being about me.  That is a hard one to give up.  I've often wondered why God didn't bless Abraham and Sarah with a child sooner.  What was the point of waiting SOOOOO long.  Did he just want the anticipation to build?  Did he want to sit back and see if they would fail?  NO!  God had a plan.  And to be honest.  He doesn't have to share it with us.  When we give our lives over to him and finally realize that it isn't about us...it is about Him, we see why.  He may never reveal the reasons for the things we deal with in life.  But, I've found that unless I surrender and accept that it is about him...it is about His Glory, I will never have peace.  I will always be restless.  God has called us to adoption.  I've already been pretty obvious that I have a killer plan worked out!  Apparently, God has heard my amazing plan, and he has rejected it in favor of the one that will bring Him glory...not me.  This is VERY hard for me to accept.  Since I am restless and impatient.  But, since I don't want to adopt a Hagar sized disaster...I think I'll wait on God!  I'll wait on His timing and I'll wait for him to fulfill His promise.  For, I know that he will be faithful and he will complete the good work he has started in us.
If you are in my camp and you also have a very difficult time accepting God's timing for your story, I would like to invite you to join me in my new mantra.  Grab a diet coke first...it will come out easier with a little carbonation.
"It's not about me...It's about you, God"
"It's not about me...It's about you, God"
"It's not about me...It's about you, God"
Love you, blog world friends!! :)
Oh, and for all of you praying for "Baby Grace", I am blissfully happy to share with you that she has a family.  A wonderful couple has decided to adopt her and will hopefully be able to take her home in about a month.  This is a huge answer to prayer.  Please keep lifting her up, though...she has so many hurdles ahead of her. :)

Calmer Seas...

What a difference a week makes.  Grace is still very much on my mind.  I inquired about her tonight and it would appear that she is showing small improvements in many areas, but not in the ways that we hope.  The amazing doctors are still trying to figure out the root of her challenges.  I do have peace that we made the "right" decision for our family. I had a wonderful and long talk with our social worker tonight and she is planning to finish our homestudy for International adoption.  I'm telling you...most of the time this feels like the most bi-polar experience in the world.  Up one day and down the next.  But, tonight I have hope in my heart that we will see this journey through.  Just to be clear, though...On Friday when the reporters are giving us a 1 in 3200 chance of being hit by space junk...I'll be hiding somewhere safe.  I'm not living in fear.  I've just realized that statistics haven't exactly been on my side lately. :)
Last night it felt like we got a bit of our groove back.  Hubby came home from work and our contractor was here putting some finishing touches on the house.  I had co-oped in D-Dog's classroom, made dinner, helped everyone through homework and got them all packed up for their various adventures.  Noodle had football practice, Z had his first middle school dance (the principal said it resembled a "stand" more than a "dance".) And hubby and I raced off to our small group study with the youngest boys before making the rounds to pick everyone up.  By the time we crashed into bed, I remarked at how wonderful it felt to have a night like that.  Yes, to some, it may sound insane.  But, to me it felt amazing.  It was full of life, noise, and laughs.  After the few months that we've had, I've really redefined what "calmer seas" look  like.  I'm a lot more relaxed than I used to be.  I am soaking up every detail of my kids and trying to live inside of every moment.  I LOVE being with them.  Tonight, hubby went to a baseball game.  The kids and I sat down and watched the X factor while devouring a box of Oreos.  Who knew we could collectively put away an entire bag of those things.  YIKES!  Bad mommy!
I've faced some difficult days lately.  I've been challenged on what we've been called to do.  But, my resolve is stronger than ever.  Hubby and I are on the same page.  We cling to Jesus during the storms, and we renew our faith in calmer waters.  I'm just so grateful that God has given us the courage to get out of the boat and try a little water walkin'.  What about you?  Are you willing to get your butt out of the boat and walk in faith toward Jesus?  He has so much he wants to do in your life.  I can't guarantee that you'll get a tornado or a tumor...but you'll get a super wild ride.  And I can promise you that you wouldn't trade it for any other life!

Grace

Please let that name settle into your heart and let it be part of your prayers today.  Grace is a four pound baby with multiple neurological issues.  We have made the heart wrenching decision not to adopt her.  Even after making the decision, I've cried every day for her.
And I've realized how selfish I am in this process.  You know, you can be pruned by God for so long and still have so far to go in the pursuit of Christ-likeness.  All week, I was brazen in my conversations with God.  I told him he was cruel.  I told him his plan didn't make sense.  "Why did you bring me into this story?  Why did you make me care?  You know me!  You knew my heart would break.  Why did you break my heart?"  But, at the onset of this story, everything God was speaking was about trust.  "Trust me!"  I thought he was asking me to trust him through the adoption of Grace.  Instead, he was asking me for something else.  "It's not about you!"  God gently whispered to me this week.  "It's not about you!"  "It is about her."  It is about the fact that a baby was born and abandoned and she had no one interceding for her.  No one praying for her.  Now she has people all over the world praying for her.  Her life has meant something.  She has made an impact.  She has taught me things about myself.  She has made us open to babies born in her same situation.  I would be lying if I said I knew the full meaning of all of this.  Just like I can't really tell you why anything in our lives has happened lately.  Two nights ago, I sat with B and explained to him that Grace was so sick...and that we couldn't adopt her.  He buried his face into his blanket and cried...a sweet, loving cry.  B is so much like me.  We love hard and we love fast!  We run across the street without looking both ways because we care so much about what is on the other side.  I can't wait to see how God uses that in my sweet son.  Just for clarification, he never met her.  We kept him from everything but the fact that we were visiting her and that she needed a family.  I've learned to protect his heart a bit.  When I was lamenting to a dear friend earlier this week, I made the comment that God's plan sucked!  With amazing wisdom, she responded with something that has put a tattoo on my heart and I hope to always remember.  She wrote, "No.  His plan is beautiful...it just isn't your plan."  As much as I think I could write the story better (can you imagine me in charge of the universe?) That would be a bi-polar experience! God does have a plan.  He is huge.  He can handle ALL of the details and he doesn't have to explain it all to me.  He can handle it when I question him.  (even though the lightning earlier this week did make me pause and hope that it wasn't intended for me. :)  And he has given me beautiful people to walk this crazy road with.  My husband, children, and amazing friends have been inspirational to me this week and they have helped keep my faith intact.  I am a very blessed girl.  And I'm learning.  And I have to be grateful that God even includes me in His plans.  What a privilege.  If the only reason he brought me into Grace's life was to pray for her and hold her...that is enough.  'Cause...its not about me.  Its about her.  I know that now.

Brokenness

I used to sing the words to a song in church that went like this:  "Brokenness, brokenness is what I long for...brokenness is what I need.  Brokenness, brokenness is what you want from me.... So take my heart and form it.  Take my mind...transform it.  Take my will and conform it...to yours, to yours, Oh Lord."

I sang this without a thought to what this really meant.  Today I am broken.  I carry brokenness in the marrow of my bones.  This has been a long and painful week in our pursuit of adoption. My heart is broken, my plans are broken and my faith has been broken too. 

On Monday afternoon, we became a possible family for a newborn in this area.  This was completely out of the blue and not something we were expecting.  As the story unfolded, it became so obvious that God was weaving a story of redemption and grace.  Everything about this situation has been an "open door".  Initially, I was floating in air contemplating the timing of this beautiful story.  Everything made sense.  The tornado, the tumor, the delays...it was all part of our story so we would be available for "her". 

But she is sick.  She is very sick.

She was exposed to things in the womb that should classify as child abuse.  We don't even really know the full extent of her challenges.  And she is premature.  But these are the things we do know.  She is beautiful!  She is loved by God and He has a plan for her life.  She is breathing on her own and she is maintaining her body temperature.  But, there are many mysteries in her tiny little body that neurology is trying to solve.  She will be in the hospital for a while.  She will have to show us what she's made of and her strength will have to grow.  She is a fighter.  She's stronger than the addictions that held her birth mom captive.

So the question is this:  If all doors are open for her adoption...what holds us back?  There are a thousand questions rolling around in our heads.  How will this affect our family?  How will this affect our kids...and our marriage?  Everyone in the world would run from this situation.  But, something has caused us to stay.  Is our role in her life to pray for her?  Or to raise her?  Are we strong enough for unknown special needs?  What keeps us on this crazy and wild path?  The heartbreak this week has almost been enough to numb my heart and make me question God's sovereignty.  I hate that her birth mom is enslaved by addictions.  I hate that a fragile newborn has to pay for something she had no part in.  And I hate that I don't know if we are strong enough to make her part of our family.  Brokenness.  God must show up in brokenness.  The only thing I am sure of is that my heart is still beating.  It beats in the evening after holding her all afternoon and I catch her newborn scent on my shirt.  When I look in the mirror and see that her eye gel has left a stain on my t-shirt, my heart beats.

So if you have called me this week and I haven't called you back, please forgive me.  And please pray for us.  pray that we make the right decision and that we follow God's plan...whatever that is.

Are you ready for some FOOTBALL?

Today was the culmination of hours of practice time and lots of playing with the pigskin.  N's team made their 2011 debut on the home field this afternoon.  They lost 13-7 to a neighboring town.  Hopefully they learned some things during the game today and will come out even stronger next weekend.  Unfortunately, N suffered an injury and only played during the first quarter.  He is playing center this year and after snapping the ball, he jumped up, put his hands on another player and they all went down in a heap.  N hyper-extended his left knee and had to come off the field to ice his leg.  It is slightly swollen and causing him pain.  But, we are pretty sure he'll recover quickly with some rest. He's number 62...

HIKE

PANCAKE!

N's face is under #47...this was the play before he got crushed.

Ouch!

A beautiful picture...

This has been an incredibly busy start to school.  But it has also been a wonderful start to school.  The older three love their classes.  They have fantastic teachers...no refocus sheets...no bus referrals...and no private meetings with the principal.  Can I get an amen? :)  We have been rocking the after school schedule...no doubt due to my new obsession with crockpots.  Oh yes!  We are finishing up week two of crockpot only recipes.  We've been dishing out dinner at 4:30, hitting soccer games two nights a week and football practice three nights a week. And this has been D-Dog's first week at preschool.  We LOVE his teacher as well.  He is really jazzed to get to school each day and see his new friends.  So, I have found myself with a tiny bit of free time each afternoon.  Soooo, in an effort to reverse the signs of aging, I have taken up running again.  I've given up the pursuit of "skinny"  But I know I can achieve "healthy".  And that works for me.
Today is a non-preschool day, so after making my five year old ride his bike along with me in the rain, I started working on the somewhat neglected house.  I mean...Toby the dog does a great job cleaning up the kitchen floor after meals...but even he can't get rid of juice spills.  I decided to go tackle a few boxes in the basement and look for some of our pictures that may have survived.  I resisted the urge to look for these initially because I wanted time to live here and think about where to put things again.  As I was digging through a large box, I found a picture that someone rescued from my bedroom.  Everything in my room was destroyed.  Even the door frame was ripped off the wall and thrown into the room.  But this crazy picture that was hanging between the door and my bed escaped all harm.  I started to cry today when I saw it.  It was a gift from my brother and sister in law for Christmas one year.  It is a picture of a mom holding a child.  Underneath the picture is the scripture from Isaiah 40:11
"He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young."
 I've gone over the details of that fateful night a million times.  What if one thing had been different?  What if we hadn't heard it in time.  What if Hubby hadn't jumped out of bed and screamed.  What if we took time to say something.  What if we didn't make it to our kids in time.  What if I wasn't holding my youngest children and adding our combined weight against the force of the F2..  What if the door frame hadn't stopped us from being sucked out.  What if someone in my family had died. 
I don't know why some people get a better ending than others.  My heart is heavy as I contemplate the families that have walked through ten years without their loved ones.  And as the Nation once again tucks their sorrow and loss away on September 12, these families will continue on...remembering... with a hole in their hearts.  They don't just remember the details on Sept. 11.  They remember it every day. 
But my mind is drawn back to this scripture.  No matter what, God gathers us in his arms.  He carries us close to His heart, and he gently leads us.  We will face fear, loss, and pain in this life.  But, we will face it safely tucked in the arms of our Father.  We have His promises and they are true.  I have learned to know and trust the arms of God.  I have burrowed deep within these arms and I have fought against these arms.  He never loosens His grip.