Happy Birthday, Z!!

I have had the blessing of being a mom for Twelve years today.  Last night, I had to wish my oldest child a happy "last night of being 11" over the phone since he was on a Scout camping trip.  In fact, I haven't even seen him yet today. :(  Hubby picked him up from the Scout drop-off and they went straight to paint-balling.  So, the other three kiddos and I baked him a cake and Noodle decorated it.  We all made homemade cards.  I helped Noodle create his own mad lib for Z to fill out.  What fun!!!  We wrapped presents and started dinner.  It has been a relaxing afternoon and we are excited about celebrating with our birthday boy.
I guess I'll have to start getting used to Z's busy life.  As he gets older, he gets more involved in activities and with friends.  It is yet another growing pain of watching your children age.  As I reflect over the past twelve years, I am amazed at the fantastic person Z has become.  He was a train wreck of a newborn.  That kid cried all the time.  But, he has grown from this tiny little ball of tears into one of the sweetest parts of my life.  I love his sense of humor.  I love the way his eyes sparkle when he is ready to say something funny.  I love the way he is courageous in the face of danger.  I love the compassion in his heart that makes him such a great friend to others.  I love his confidence.  I love his responsible nature.  I love his creative and artistic side and I love the sense of justice he feels.  I love the way he trusts God and the way he couldn't say a bad word if he wanted to.  I love that he is so mature and I even love him when he's in the middle of teenage angst.  I couldn't have put together a more amazing person if I was given the opportunity to do it myself.  I thank God for the gift of Z.  I can't wait to see what this next year holds for him.  And I am grateful to be here as his biggest fan and cheerleader.
Happy Birthday, Z!!!  I love you like crazy!

Pay Attention, People! This is REAL!

I've heard people say that they become Christians as a "fire insurance" policy."  To those people...I would say:  You need to seriously ask yourself what in the heck you think you're doing!  You wanna know if you are really a Christian?  Is your life a crazy battle?  Do you feel the pull of the world and the even stronger pull of the heart of Christ?  I feel like there is a war inside my mind most of the time.  I have a very strong personality.  I am a rebellious person by nature.  You want to know how I know God has my heart?  Because even when I'm speaking junk about giving up on his plan and spending a little time seeking out my own plans...I can hear his voice saying, "No you're not!"  "you're just mad!"  "You couldn't stop caring if you wanted to."  "You say you want to abandon my path.  But it would rip you apart inside."
Yes!  God knows me.  He knows the changes he's made in my heart.  I feel like I'm failing in my Christian walk daily.  If we were having parent teacher conferences for my Christianity, I would probably be hiding in my closet right now.  But, he knows that even though I talk a big talk,  I can't walk away.  Because even though I could choose to be selfish and walk away from adoption because it is difficult, it would tear me apart.  I don't want to live comfortable.  I want to live radical.  And darn it...God knows that.  I wonder if people see us and the things we've battled to follow God's calling and think we're crazy.  I know my parents do!  :)  Every time they come to visit and the chaos almost consumes them.   Does our walk of faith look like a blind stupid walk into the fire to others?  I wonder how many would look at our obstacles and say, "Quit already, people!"  I know I have!  But, my choice to quit doesn't change the fact that this is a broken and sad world.  If I quit this path, a child becomes an orphan again and I miss the chance to glorify God.
Right now, JoyFM is running a playlist of conviction for me.  Seriously...how does that crazy station always play the songs that I need to hear?  I can hear in the background, "Tell me, lest I forget...who I am to you...that I belong to you."  Wow!  God, I'm so sorry for doubting your involvement in this!  I'm sorry for rebelling against you.  And I'm really sorry about the bad words I said in my head to you! :(
Ok!  I get it.  I needed a reminder.  This junk that I battle daily is just part of living radically.  It does grow me.  It does change me.  It does refine me.  And it does show me the people in my life that lift me up when I fall down.
So, fire insurance?  That's just crazy talk.  Tell God you want to live radically and get back to me!  Then you'll have my respect!  Cause then we'll have something to talk about.  And you'll understand just why we keep walking uphill dodging rockslides to get to something worth really dying for!

Love you, Birthday Girl!

Dear Baby Girl,
Last night, we sat around our kitchen table with your cake in the center.  We all desperately wished that you were there, in the place of honor.  We wanted to take pictures of you smashing your cake.  Your brothers wanted to teach you how to get super messy and have some birthday fun.  They wanted to give you presents.  But, this is an unusual birthday party.  Because you were not here.  You are still in an orphanage half a world away.  But, we got amazing news.  Two wonderful women from our agency were there to visit you.  I know you will not remember them since you are only one.  But, they pulled out a gift for you from the supplies they brought with them and they promised to give you love from us.  I love the amazing way God provides.  I was feeling so sad to miss your first birthday.  But, God provided these women to be extensions of our arms.  And they promised to take new pictures of you for us. :)   You should know that we lit your candle and your daddy prayed for you.  We sang happy birthday extra loud (since you're so far away) and we all blew out your candle.  You will get to blow out the next one!  We can't wait for all of the wonderful memories we will make with you throughout your life.  You are special, you are loved and you are desperately wanted.  Orphan is a word that will never be placed on you again.  You are family.  We will walk with you through your tough times and we will celebrate your successes.  We may never live large financially, but you will always have something that money cannot buy...unconditional love...from a mom, dad, and four wild and wonderful brothers.  Sleep well, sweet E!  This new year of your life marks the countdown to coming home.

My Daughter's Birthday

Tomorrow we will celebrate a birthday.  Strangely, everyone will be here except the birthday girl, herself.  I was thinking tonight about the eve of my other kids' birthdays.  My mind is usually so full of wonderful memories from the past year.  I snuggle in to their necks and kiss them sweetly and let go of one more year of their childhood.  It is such a bittersweet moment...

But, this is different.  

This time, I know virtually NOTHING about my child.  I don't know her personality, or her smell, or what it feels like to hold her.  I am celebrating a stranger.  Adoption is a weird process.

It seems unfair that as she turns one in a far away orphanage, we will go on with our day.  In an office, a social worker will continue to work on her paperwork.  We will continue to wait patiently (ok...patient is a goal!)

Her brothers are baking a cake for her.  I'll post pictures later.  We'll have a little party in her honor. But, I cannot give her a present or watch her dive fist first into her cake.  That will have to wait another year.  The only thing I can offer in the way of a gift...as her mom...is a prayer.

I pray that God will keep her healthy and strong.  I pray that she will know His perfect love and that she will be safe.  I pray that God will help us continue on this path to bring her into a family.  And I pray that He will help us raise the money to bring her home.  

I know God has amazing plans for her life.  And this process of adoption is growing and refining us in ways we never imagined!  I heard a song today on the radio as I was waiting to go in and pick up D-Dog from preschool.  "Set the World on Fire" by Britt Nicole.  Our pastor once challenged us in our walk with Christ.  He said, "Do you want to know if your dream is big enough?  Well, do ya punk?"  Sorry.. I couldn't resist adding a little Eastwood.  :)  He said, "If you would fall flat on your face if God didn't show up...then your dream is big enough."  WOW!  That is so scary.  This week, I saw several areas that we are holding back on financially in order to fund this adoption.  We are living frugal, baby!  But, we can't do this adoption by ourselves.  If we try to pay for the whole thing, we'll end up in debt.  If we tried this adoption on our own, we would fail.  I trust that God is working out the timing and the finances.  I have to trust Him...or else I have nothing...

And there is too much at stake to abandon faith now.  

I wanna set the world on fire
Until it's burning bright for You
It's everything that I desire
Can I be the one You use?

[CHORUS]
I, I am small but
You, You are big enough
I, I am weak but
You, You are strong enough to
Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
Nothing I can not do
Nothing I cannot do

I wanna feed the hungry children
And reach across the farthest land
And tell the broken there is healing
And mercy in the Father's hands

[CHORUS]

Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
Nothing I cannot do
Nothing I cannot do

My hands my feet
My everything
My life, my love
Lord, use me

I wanna set the world on fire
I wanna set the world on fire, yeah

Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
Nothing I cannot do
Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
There's nothing I can't do
Nothing I can't do

Selective Grace

I'm singing a song this weekend at Metro and it has been haunting me.   Essentially, the song is about Grace.  It is about how none of us has fallen too far away to be saved.  "Just take the hand of grace, your sins have been replaced by something beautiful...you're not unreachable."  But pride is a big bad wolf in the Christian walk.  And I'm guilty of it from time to time.  It is easy for me to fight for the defenseless.  I can get on board when I hear about children dying of a disease they had nothing to do with.  Or, fight to save the orphans, etc...
But, (long pause) what about the people that are making conscious choices to sin?  What about the people that hurt me because of the hurt in their own lives?  Now, that. is. harder!  I find that my grace is pretty selective lately and I'm feeling really convicted about it.  The Bible says, "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."  Romans 3:23.  So, I need to remember that this verse is referring to me too.  I may not make the same choices I once did when I was blind to the truth.  But, now that I know the truth...isn't it that much more shameful when I don't extend grace to everyone?
It scares me to think that I might be the one to say, "Jesus...why would you eat dinner with a wretched tax collector?"  "Jesus, don't you know that woman is sleeping with several men?", "Jesus, I can't believe you would associate with that guy!"  I can bravely read the Bible and cast judgement on the people that actually did that.  But...(even longer pause) would I have been one of them?
The bottom line is that God doesn't use people with selective grace.  He wants consistent...across the board grace.  He wants me to love the woman making a thousand bad choices the same as I love an orphan across the globe.
God, I am such a mess.  On my own, I am an epic failure.  Please take my life out of my hands.  Purify my heart and make me a vessel of your grace.  Let me reflect your love in everything I do today and let all of the glory go straight to you.  Break my heart for the broken.  Take away my callous attitude.  Remind me of what it felt like when I was drowning in sin and you pulled me up out of the darkness and into the light. Remind me that a poor attitude is sinful and that you expect more from me.  Thank you for your grace that covers all of my sin and that your mercies really are new every morning.
Amen.

As For Me...

Do you ever think about how many choices we make each day?  Do we think about the consequences?  We make the choice (difficult as it may be) to get out of bed each morning and face the day.  We choose our breakfast.  We choose our clothes.  We choose how to greet our family members and how involved to get in their morning drama.  We choose how many diet cokes to drink. (If my body is over 80% water, why do I need to drink more?)  We choose how to spend our time and how to treat others and how much we invest in our jobs.  In frustrating moments, we choose how to treat those around us.  We choose our words, whether to exercise and what to make for dinner.  Our day is filled with choices.  And they define us.
Last night was really frustrating.  Hubby called to tell me that Z's tennis tourney was cancelled and that he had gone to band instead.  The bus would be stopping at the entrance to our subdivision at 4:15.  I got the call at 4:10 and I was just getting ready to throw dinner together and put it in the oven with the potatoes.  So, I ran out of the house and drove down to wait for the bus.  35 minutes later...I was still waiting.  And fuming!  I constantly feel like I don't have enough time for anything.  During this busy season of our lives, I'm spending several afternoons helping in D-Dog's classroom. The kids get home from school and it is a chaotic mess of homework, (tears over homework), trying to get dinner finished by 4:45, finding all of the appropriate uniforms and rushing out the door for practices.  AHHHHH.  So, last night, the stress escalated.  I raced back home to get my phone and tried to work on my chicken dinner.  As soon as my hands were immersed in raw chicken, my phone started ringing.  It was Z.  "Hey, mom...I'm here."  "AWESOME!"  So, I went racing back down the road to pick him up...silently fuming that Hubby was nowhere to be found in my time of distress and I think I was just making incomprehensible exasperated sounds.  I got Z in the car and raced back to my chicken.  When hubby called on his way home, Z picked it up and I heard him say, "Dad, I think mom's really mad at you."  :)
As I heard the garage door go up and I anticipated my husband's entrance through the door, I thought of all of the things I'd love to say.  And they weren't pretty.  But, in the time it would take to say "anger management" something stopped me.  I have a choice.  I don't have to fly off the handle at him.  I could chalk it up to miscommunication.  It really isn't anyone's fault.  I have a choice.  I get to decide how I handle it.  This man just returned home from a stressful day.  He worked hard.  And after all...I'm just happy that I didn't lose him in the tornado.
So, I put a smile on my face and said, "wow...epic fail on communication."  And we both laughed.  We worked out our crazy schedule and amazingly found some time to hang out before bed.
So, what are the choices you'll face today?
Joshua 24:15 in the Bible issues a challenge....gives us a choice.  "Choose this day whom you will serve........as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."
That is one of my biggest choices today.  Will I serve myself, or will I serve the Lord.  Let this challenge your heart today and remember that even in the heat of the moment...you have a choice. :)
Have a fantastic day, blog friends.

Motherhood

I'm currently eating my second piece of pumpkin cake.  I just finished putting my four kiddos to bed and my husband is at the Homecoming dance.  I know...that is a strange way to start a blog post about motherhood.  It has been a very long week!  We've had adoption stress, a crazy busy schedule and those stinkin' Cardinals keep winning!  Since we got rid of cable years ago, we aren't able to watch the games here.  So, my husband has been visiting generous friends during game nights and I've been trying to remember not to feed him beans on the nights he'll be sitting in a friend's living room.  :)  So, if you add Cardinal game + husband at a friend's house, you'll come up with = I'm at home on my own with the kids a lot.  Add to that two nights in a row of supervisory duties and you'll find a girl that is starting to forget what her husband looks like!
Tonight, I was remembering the early days when Hubby would be at work late and I'd be home with two, or three, or four small children.  We had our kids back to back.  Those were some very lonely nights.  But, now that the kids are getting older, it is actually a lot of fun.  We stopped by red box and got a wonderful but depressing movie.  Noodle is the only one that stuck with me through the whole thing.  We also got Chinese takeout.  As we were dipping it out, everyone was scurrying around getting water, and turning on the movie.  I thought, "There is nothing else I'd rather be doing tonight.  These people are my best friends!"  I love hanging out with my kids.  They are funny, and weird, and amazing!  Putting them to bed tonight took fooorrrreeevvveeerrr!  They were seriously chatty.  But, I looked at it as a chance to get to know them a little more.  My thoughts spanned out like ripples on the water.  I reflected over the events of the day.  My children all have very distinct personalities.  Our day started with a dose of perspective for our oldest.  He became completely unhinged because his brothers accidentally erased his work on a wii game.  I had a great convo with him about perspective and reasons to fall apart.  Starvation, and parents dying of AIDS are reasons for devastation...not a wii game.  Ahhhh, Motherhood is about perspective!  As the day progressed, I watched our second born battle it out on the football field.  He was tough.  But, when we got in the car after the game, he was so distraught that he couldn't eat.  "My friends got hurt."  Tears started to fall.  He is a gentle giant.  And he is not as open as the others.  I often have to dig out of him the reason for his sadness.  I offered him gentleness and compassion.  We prayed for his friends.  Ahhhh, Motherhood is about support.  Our third born was completely off his game today.  He whined constantly.  Disobeyed me several times and had to be touching me every second of the day.  More than once, I actually thought about hiding from him. Ahhhh, Motherhood is about grace!  Our fourth born laughed in the face of danger all day.  He is afraid of NOTHING!  He is opinionated, focused, and brave.  Ahhh, Motherhood is about letting go.  And our fifth child.  She is probably eating her lunch in an orphanage half way across the world right now.  We prayed for her tonight.  My heart aches for someone that I don't even know.  Everything in me wants to speed ahead to the day we bring her home.  But, the paperwork comes first.  Ahhh, Motherhood is about patience!  I think of the wonderful and difficult lessons I'm learning from these unique and complicated people.  God is refining me and growing me through the process of Motherhood.  I am so grateful to be on this journey.  I am grateful that God is allowing me to be a mom and to help grow His children.  It is a huge responsibility and I'll never take it lightly.
But you know what else motherhood is?  It is a house full of content and sleeping children.  It is supporting my teammate while he supervises a dance so our family will have the things we need.  And right now... it is about a hot bath and a new book!  Because I hate to admit it, but the pumpkin cake is gone! :)
Goodnight!

Diarrhea!

Yes!  I knew that would grab your attention...and quite possibly turn your own stomach.  Yesterday, B was complaining of a stomach ache.  He never got sick.  He just had some pain in his tummy.  Being the anxious mom I am, I started planning for his emergency appendectomy.  :)  Alas, he is fine.  He went to school yesterday and had a great day.  Ask him what virus he had yesterday and he will innocently tell you, "Tuesday-itis".  'Cause that's what we named it.  However, early in the morning, Z ended up with a stomach ache too.  This one was a little more productive.  He is now in bed sleeping off the bug.  And because I'm a super compassionate mom...my stomach is feeling really rocky now too.  Looks like it might be a redbox kind of day.
As usual, I've tied this unfortunate experience to my walk with Christ.  And I think that sometimes we need a little diarrhea in our faith walk.  YUCK! :)
OK....hang with me for a minute.  And put down your snack.  Seriously...you don't want to be eating while reading this blog today.
I feel like our walk right now is a wild one.  We've chosen to walk a path that forces us to trust God at every turn.  But, as I walk through the world, I sometimes allow unhealthy things into my life.  What are those things?  Gossip, Anger, Bitterness, Insecurity, Jealousy, etc...
I've found that if I don't purge those things from my life once in a while that they have a tendency to make my walk a little weaker...a little less effective.  How do I purge these things?  Only with the help of God.  His perfect word, true worship, servanthood...
So, my prayer for all of us today is that we'll have a little Spiritual Diarrhea.  :)  I pray that God will remove from our walk the things that drag us down and weaken our faith.  And, in this cleansing process, I pray that God will strengthen our resolve to serve Him and open our eyes to eternal things.
Drink your gatorade, peeps!  And in all seriousness...I hope you avoid actual stomach bugs. :)
Love and Vitamin C,
jill

It's a GIRL!!!

Sorry, loyal blog readers for leaving you in suspense!  It has been a firestorm of paperwork and prayer around here.  A week ago, someone from our agency contacted us about a little girl that had just been released for adoption in Asia.  We looked at her referral, prayed a lot, took all of her information to the pediatrician and waited to see if God opened or closed the doors.  In the past several months, God has been very clear with us about opportunities presented to us.  The doors have all closed on them.  So far, this is a go. :)  She has some special needs, but we feel educated and equipped to help her with them.
Interestingly, it was just over a year ago that Hubby and I walked out of church and hubby said, "I really felt the Holy Spirit speaking to my heart about adoption" "I'm so nervous to go forward, but I believe we are supposed to."  I had been praying for Hubby and I to be on the same page about this topic for twelve years.  I started researching adoption right after we got married.  But, it took eleven years for God to move his heart toward it.  I know it is slightly different, but if you've been praying for someone to know the Lord...don't give up.  Your wait may be long...but God is faithful.
So, the crazy thing is, that we started praying about the child we would adopt about a year ago.  And because God writes better stories than we do...our daughter was born about a week after we started praying for her.  I can't wait to someday tell you her entire story.  You'll see divinity woven throughout it.  Even through the chaos of tornadoes and tumors, someone in this family always held the vigil of prayer for her.  That is the beauty of this large family.  There is always someone to hold you up in prayer.  In the days when I had started giving up this dream, one of my children would remember "her" in prayer at bedtime and it would remind me that this wasn't MY dream...it was OUR dream.
So, when can we get this beautiful baby girl??????  It looks like it will be about six months before we can travel to bring her home.  I'll be daily stalking my social worker to finish the home study.  Then we have immigration fingerprints and paperwork followed by our documents mailed off to Asia.  After that, we wait for her government to grant us permission to travel.  Six months seems like a REALLY long time to wait for your daughter.  But, we're going to be incredibly busy with the boys and the Holidays.  So, I'm hoping that helps us get through the next few months.
And, we'll also be having bake sales, garage sales, car washes and babysitting to pay for this crazy venture.  So, stay tuned.
I want to say thank you to all of you that have faithfully prayed for us and this endeavor.  We need your continued prayers.  This baby girl is locked in with our family.  But, until we get her home, I won't have complete peace.  And since I've shared with you my most intimate thoughts and struggles, I kind of feel like we're family! :)  So, please pray for our child.  Please pray that God will protect her and keep her healthy and loved. Please pray for the transition she will have when we bring her home.  And please pray that we will all be faithful to God as we continue on this walk with Him.

BIG NEWS!

You want to know more, don't you???  Hopefully you'll know more soon! :)