What the heck am I doing???

This.  Is.  Hard!!!!!
Pull up a chair...if you dare.
I'd like to tell you (if you're interested) about the truth of adoption.
Have I mentioned that it is hard?  You all know me.  I don't do "rainbows and unicorns."  Frankly, I think that transparent is the best way to live.  Because...let's face it...Life is hard.  We all have our stuff. My goal isn't to whine.  So, if you sense me doing that...tell me to snap out of it.  I don't feel depressed or sad.  So, my goal isn't to make you feel that way either.  I just would love the chance to write this out, even if no one reads it. :)

The adoption story as I imagined it:
Hubby and I travel to China.  We have a lovely couple of days reconnecting and kissing all over the city of Hong Kong.  (don't puke...this is my imagination).  We head up to her province, and we are given the most beautiful little girl in all of China.  She is timid at first (the books warned me of that) But she lets us hold her and we even get a few snuggles on the way back to the hotel.  We play for hours and explore the city (her snuggly positioned in the carrier, me looking somewhat thinner and more radiant.)  People smile...adoption is amazing.  We finish up the trip in Southern China, make new friends, pack up and head home.  Home is where my newly adopted child sleeps perfectly in her new room and I get to dress her up and put bows in her hair.  And I'm not even tired, because I'm so blissed out!

The adoption story as it really occurred:
Hubby and I travel to China.  We enjoy Hong Kong, but we are trying desperately to find wireless internet to connect with the children we are already missing.  We do not kiss.  (people are already staring at the pale couple from the Midwest.)  We head up to her province and I'm about to vomit from anticipation.  I'm confident.  I'm a mom.  Why wouldn't she love me?  A tiny little girl (ok...she is the most beautiful child in China!) is brought in to the civil affairs room and she immediately starts screaming. (uhhhh, what did the book say?  I am suddenly ill prepared for this screaming creature.)  Hubby takes her and starts speaking in Mandarin.  She calms down and decides to stick with this guy for good...maybe he can help her find her way back to the orphanage that she was so rudely taken from.  For the next few days, I am consistently rejected, hit in the face, screamed at, and more.  I try to keep extending love, but secretly, I am starting to resent this small child and I sit in the bathroom of the cockroach hotel and cry while looking at pictures of the boys.  I decide that if she can reject me...then I can reject her...and God (while I'm at it)  Cause after all...He's the one that brought me here.
Days pass...friends pray.  Hubby consoles and encourages all while meeting every need for the sobbing child in his lap.  The only internet is in the hotel lobby.  Every time I go down, I am stared at.  I want to go home.   She won't play.  She won't smile.  She won't even let me look at her.  I am faced with the possibility that I may have made the biggest mistake of my life.
We travel to Southern China to finish the trip.  We DO make new and wonderful friends.  We pack up and board a 15 hour flight where our daughter sleeps for two hours and screams for the rest.  Meanwhile, the "just in case" benadryl is packed away in the checked baggage and I'm trying to score some "sleepy juice" from other passengers.  Again, I am trying hard to trust God...but I am seriously doubting my abilities.  We get home and our child spends all night crying.  She refuses to sleep at night.  She screams and fights.  My dryer is broken.  So I can't wash our stinky clothes.  I am exhausted because I haven't slept for over 48 hours.  And instead of feeling "blissed out"  I'm feeling worn out.

So, where's my happy ending?  My resolve?  I don't have it.  It is 1:22 and my child is still fighting sleep.  I feel like I am babysitting someone else's child.  She's cute.  And I really want to feel deep love for her.  But, mostly I just feel inadequate.  I feel tired.

I remembered this scripture tonight:
Matthew 25: 34-40

“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world.  For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in,  I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink?  When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you?  When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

She is "one of the least of these".  I'm doing it for Him.  I will love her...because I love Him.  That's it.  Following Jesus is hard.  Truly following Him into the things that matter can be more than difficult.  But, I'll keep doing it because this adoption story is so much bigger than today.  It is so much bigger than my discomfort.  And now I have to close because I need to go comfort her. :(

The long dark night.

"I will never leave you or forsake you" - God
This morning I ran from this scripture. I rejected it. I took up residence in the land of depression...and I was prepared for a lengthy stay. I had a comfy pillow for the hours of sleep, new wardrobe plans for the body I would achieve by giving up food and a completely busted heart. I felt abandoned after the tornado...this was worse.
I tried so hard to keep my mind open to this different culture and the possibility of
rejection. But, let's be honest...I am sick of being stared at like an alien, and I didn't really plan for rejection. I understand that my daughter (whom I begged Rod to give back this morning) has been through extreme trauma...but my heart is screaming...what about me? I know..super mature, but that is my struggle. I am the fool that keeps expecting the fairy tale and can never be satisfied with reality. And when reality is delivered with a dose of pain and suffering, I am ready to bolt on my faith. I am disappointed in the way this story has played out, but I'm even more disappointed in my reaction. Perhaps if I could get it right the first time' I could quit getting schooled.  
Today, we took baby steps. I am convinced that the only reason I'm still in the game and not benched is because so many of you have been praying for me. I convinced Rodney to leave for an hour and give all of Esther's care to me.  She started wailing as soon as she realized she could not have her beloved baba.  "fake it til you make it" became my motto through clenched teeth.  I gave her a snack, which surprisingly, she ate. Then she laid down on the couch as if to say, I don't really care that you're here.  So, I pulled out the coloring book and started to meticulously color smurfette.   She continued to roll around on the couch pretending to ignore me. But then something miraculous happened. If you were to blink, you would have missed it. But she sat up, looked at me and picked up a crayon to color with me. Then, before I could say, this is what I needed today, she was tradinge crayons with me. We stayed there for a while...me playing...her watching. Finally, I asked her if she would like to go to the store with me. All she caught was bye bye, but she was in. We took our first mother daughter shopping trip to a store where I could communicate with no one.  We bought something in a bottle that is supposed to take care of our mosquito bites and some very bright nail polish for the day when she will someday trust me enough to paint her toenails. I bought us a treat from the bakery and a really Yummy mango smoothie. We shared it. It was short, but sweet time. As we entered into the hotel, her demeanor changed. She began whimpering and asking for daddy. I think coming back to the hotel is too much of a trigger for her. I can't wait to leave this place.  Later, I pulled up talking Tom on the iPad and she actually gave me a smile and a laugh. When she got tired, she was finished with me and only wanted daddy again.  If I measure the progress in adoption days, this is good. It isnt perfect, but it is progress. She may completely reject me again tomorrow...but I had today...and I'll hang onto that for now.
I think this is the human condition...to never want to let go of the old. That is what keeps people addicted to pornography, alcohol, drugs, etc... We keep looking back.  As I work diligently to earn my daughter's love and pull her attention away from "the old life"  and toward a fuller life, I am reminded of my own relationship with Christ. Today, I hit a wall and took the fast train to my faithless life. I am ashamed of that...and the things I actually thought today.  But God is real, and God is the original adoptive father. He will continue to remind me of the new life I have and grow my faith in him. I will never be perfect, but, my adoption will never be reversed.  And so, with this example, I will forge ahead in this adoption and hopefully someday, look back on this very long night and realize that as a dear friend shared, "joy really does come in the morning."
Thank you for your faithful a prayers, friends!

Whatever lies before me...

I was up for music last weekend at church. We sang one of my favorite songs. "10,000 reasons"  As we were singing, it hit me hard that I want the lyrics of the song to penetrate my heart and take over my soul.
"The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes"

I could barely get through it without crying!  I know God is good!  I've seen it!  But, I've also seen the difficult side of following Christ.  It isn't always rainbows and unicorns.  I think the lyrics are such a true testament of what our hearts desire...but we can't achieve on our own.  No matter what the day holds, we want to STILL sing "his song" by the end of the day.  We don't want to lose our faith.

I have a unique opportunity to see the many faces of faith as I sing.  Last weekend, my eyes passed over friends that are battling cancer, have very sick loved ones, fight alcoholism, struggle with homosexuality, battle tension in marriage, have children that have walked away from God.  

As my eyes carefully passed over each person,  I was reminded that in this sinful world, we all have struggles.  We are so dependent on God for every breath!  But, we have the amazing opportunity to encourage each other on the road!

I felt compelled to ask my friends on Facebook to share their favorite scriptures with me.  I know that the only way I'll keep singing "His song" is if I allow Him to talk to me through scripture.  And I'm going to be honest.  That is a struggle for me.  I want to tell you all that I read my Bible every day.  But,  if I take off my cheesy Christian mask...you'll see that I don't.  You'll see that I read People magazine, more than I read the words of the creator of the universe.  You'll hear me give book recommendations for best sellers, and not include the Bible.  I want to change that.  But, I was afraid that if I took my Bible with me to Ch-na with the expectation of reading it...I wouldn't.  So, a God-inspired idea formed. Ask friends for their favorite verses and compile a little book of God's words.  And I have to admit, I have been BLESSED by it!  I love reading the verses and contemplating the people that sent them to me.  I am taking such a treasure overseas and I'll be taking a bit of them with me!  It has had the unexpected benefit of making me feel closer to each contributor.  I will always treasure this book of scripture! :)  If you would like to add yours to the book, you have plenty of time.  Just leave it on the comment section!  And thank you, to everyone that has taken time out of their busy lives to pray for this journey and encourage us!  This is your adoption too!  When you look over your life and think of the ways you are contributing to the kingdom of God, you must add this to your list.  Esther has become your family.  She has become your story of redemption.  She has a family and a future because of YOU!  
May God bless your day with peace and "whatever may pass, and whatever lies before you...May you be singing when the evening comes."
All my love!

icrazy

Hebrews 12:2 (The Message)
Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed - that exhilarating finish in and with God - he could put up with anything along the way: cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God.

Okay.  I really need to claim this scripture for today.  What a journey this has been.  It has been a flippin' roller coaster!  But here we are...so close to the prize!

What's going on in my head?  I'm nervous.  What if she rejects me.  What if I'm completely overwhelmed by five kids? 

Instead of focusing on the task at hand (i.e. packing!) I've been running around like a chicken without a head.  I have managed to do other completely unnecessary tasks.  And my latest obsession has become the iPhone.  My phone is up for an upgrade.  And since they don't make phones to last more than two years...mine needs replaced.  It has an average battery life of 10 minutes.  Naturally, being fearful that my outside excursions will come to an end...I want to get this matter wrapped up before we leave.  So, I've been researching.

Which is how I ended up at Target last night at 9:50 looking at phones.  Not only was I looking at phones, but I was trying to talk my husband into letting me get one...while I was standing in front of the display case at 9:50.  I plead my case.  (insert massive amounts of whining)...BUT I NEED A SMART PHONE!  Everyone else has one.... What am I supposed to do with Esther while I'm stuck at appointments or practices or games or.....
To which my husband calmly responds..."Do we really need to decide this before 10pm tonight?" (target's closing in 10 minutes...think fast!)
Let's look at our finances and make a smart decision on whether or not we can afford the data plan that you'll have to pay for each month." 
OH. MY. GOODNESS!  Why does he have to be so responsible and so RIGHT!

The truth is:  We have five kids and I'm a stay-at-home mom.  I can't afford a smart phone.  It wouldn't be a financially savvy move.  And why can't I just pack a book, or a toy and entertain my own kid?

So, hubby is right.  My phone will have to be replaced, but i'll end up buying another "dumb" phone at best buy to get me through.  And I'll be thankful.  Because I can walk past my "dumb" phone on my way to my INDOOR PLUMBING and just be grateful that God has placed me in such a comfortable life.  

Perspective.  I found it in scripture!  Keep my eyes on Jesus.  Study how he never lost sight of where he was headed.  He was headed to my redemption.  And he didn't take a detour to Target.  And he certainly didn't have a temper tantrum about his phone.  

Where am I headed?  I'm headed to Esther!  And I'm completing this journey with a man that takes amazing care of our family and keeps me grounded.  I'm so grateful for him and I hope he reads this as my apology for my super immature behavior!  (Deepest apologies and regrets, Love!)

50 shades of.......

EXHAUSTED!

Got ya! Seriously...Did you think I'd post a hot and heavy blog when I've got all this adoption stuff going on?

Good day, but very busy.

I keep feeling like I'm forgetting things.

And why is my house so messy?

This crazy ride has been going on for almost 2 years.  Why am I so frazzled?  Shouldn't I have used those two years to prepare?  LOL

I had a great conversation with a couple of adoptive moms.  I was feeling like a major loser for not being farther ahead in my preparations.  Then, one of the moms reminded me that unlike giving birth...where you arrange child care for a couple of days, and go have a baby...

I have to prepare to leave my kids for over two weeks.  I have to anticipate anything they might need in that time.  Celebrate a birthday that we'll miss.  Create legal documents giving temporary guardianship to their caregivers.  Find someone to take care of Toby.  Finish gathering all of our documents.  Pack!  Prepare for a new child here at home.  All while trying to spend quality time with my other four kids.  Keep the flame burning with the hubby.  Show up for all of my other commitments.  Clean.  Cook.  Launder.  And did I mention PACK???????

Oh my!  Thank you for the generous offers to help me out when I admitted my over-whelmed-ness.  Yes...I'm making up new words.

I'm actually doing well.  My heart is averaging 280 beats per minute...but that's normal...right?
Could be the stress...or it could be the constant flow of diet dr pepper!

Either way...two weeks from today, I'll be holding my daughter. :)

And I'll be 50 shades of overjoyed!

Good Times!

Ok.  I'm not even addressing the Chicken debacle going on all over social media.  Wait...does this mean I'm addressing it?  I think Jesus loves chicken and people of all sexual preferences.  Does that make me a sinner?  Yep!  I'm a sinner!  And I love people of all sexual preferences with the same love Jesus has. And I also love chicken.

Moving on...

I had been feeling pretty unsettled about traveling for the adoption.  Secretly (or not) I am slightly relieved to have more time to pack and prepare.  But, part of the preparation is with my kids.  I know I'll never feel like I've spent "enough" time with them before this life changing event.  But, I need to have peace that I've tried.  One of the most amazing things happened last week.  I loaded my four kids into the mini-van and we took a road trip.  Huge thanks go out to my hubby for his support and encouragement to go.  We left on Monday afternoon and arrived in the Chicago area to stay with my very best friend in the world.  We have been friends for YEARS!  (even though we're only 25!) and our kids have been friends since they were babies.  (yes...we forced the friendship at first)

We had a full week of laughter...the kind where you pee your pants a little.

My kids had a blast.  We did the jelly belly tour, saw our old house, went tubing on our friends' boat, and more...

I got to sleep two nights with B and two nights with D-Dog.  We had massive snuggle time and don't even get me started on our actual road trip.  They were so much fun.  They were great during the five hour trip there and five hours back.  We ate junk food and sang way too loud along with the radio.  He'll completely deny it, but D-Dog can sing every word to "Call me Maybe".

It was FUN!  And I felt like I really had the chance to enjoy my kids in a place that hold so many wonderful memories...with people that will forever own a piece of my heart.

Another fantastic element of the trip was connecting with another very close friend.  I am so incredibly blessed to have women in my life both there and here that inspire me!  Our kids picked up and played together as though they'd never been apart.  Although, B experienced his first broken heart as the love of his life (he's been loyally proclaiming his love) informed him that she couldn't be his girlfriend.  So sad.  But, love that I was there to walk him through his first rejection. :(  He's doing better now and he has sworn off dating for a while.  Good idea since he's only 8!

Basically, this trip was exactly what we all needed. (Except for hubby...who was stuck at home working the whole week).  Everyone needs a place where they can recharge their batteries.  This will always be "my place"!

One of my favorite moments of the trip, though, involved my friend Kerri's 11 year old daughter.  Kerri and I were talking about the upcoming adoption and she was asking me how I was feeling.  I told her that the reality was settling in that I was about to become the mom of FIVE children.  I'm a little nervous about being able to be a good mom to all of those little lives.  As I shared my concerns and worries about our expanding family, Kerri's daughter looked at me, smiled and said, "ehhhh, Four is For Quitters!"  It hit me in a funny way and I still can't stop laughing when I remember it.  Yes.  In this family, "four is for quitters."  And I'm no quitter!  So, I'll pack my bags, kiss my children, and take a plane half a globe away to give the beautiful gift of family to a sweet little girl.

Enjoy a few pics from the week. :)

Free Jelly Bellies with every tour!

the "quitter" comment came from the silly girl on the left!

My beautiful friend, Kerri!

LOVE these girls!!!!!

A tree full of amazing kids!

My dear friend, Jenny!

The girl B  has loved for years...