How we roll...

Strike up the banjo, folks!  This is how kids in the middle of an International Adoption roll!  Money for a slip-n-slide?  Not this year!  Money for a Wal-Mart pool?  Not this year, friends!  So...what else can you do on a 90 degree day when the YMCA pool isn't open yet????
THIS!

I have some seriously awesome and creative kids! :)

Good Night Essie!

This morning my mind is on my kids.  On this side of the globe, I have a teenager begging for more computer time, kids asking if they can have cookies for breakfast, tousled hair, warm cheeks, pajamas...I have little boys wrapped in blankets playing legos.  It is a sweet summer morning here.  We will begin our day as usual.  There will be arguments, water gun fights, snacks, and toys all over the floor.  There will be laughter and there will certainly be time-outs! :)  But, there will most definitely be love, hugs, and encouragement.

That is on THIS side of the globe.

The part that gets to me is that I have no idea what is happening on the OTHER side of the globe.  As we wake up, my daughter is going to sleep.  Her tiny little body that I've never held will snuggle in for sleep. Does she suck her thumb?  Does she have a favorite blanket or toy?  Is she warm enough?  Does she like to be held before bed?  Does she sleep all night, or does she wake needing reassurance?  Does she take a bottle or sippy cup?  What kind of jammies are her favorites?  And does she dream?
I've only ever seen pictures of her wide awake.  What does she look like when she's sleeping?  Does her hair get sweaty like B's?  Is she a tummy sleeper or a back sleeper?  I can't wait to know these things.

I was reflecting this morning on how my life is all about numbers lately.  Day 63 of the LOA wait...30-45 days more.  (possibly)  And after LOA, 30-45 days until Travel approval.  Then 7-10 days until travel.  And then I realized that although she is completely unaware, her life is all about numbers too!  Her days as an orphan are numbered.  Soon, she will be in our arms and that life of sadness will fade away.  6,500 is the number of dollars we need to complete this adoption in full.  We are SO close!  I believe that God will close the gap...not for me, but for Esther!  Because He loves her.  I may not know the details of her life there, but He does.  That is what gives me amazing peace today.  God knows what she looks like when she sleeps.  He has already held her.  He keeps her safe.  He created her tiny life and He already knows the plans He has for her. (Jeremiah 29:11)

So, goodnight Essie!  We love you so much!  We are praying for you every day and you are always in our thoughts!  Very soon you will be here in your home and surrounded by love.  This has been confirmed to me a thousand times by the simply astounding number of people that are already supporting your journey home!  It will take you a lifetime to process all of the love you have from people that have never laid eyes on you.  Because you represent the desire in all of them to be part of a story that is bigger than us all!
All my love, sweet baby girl!
- your mama!

Steady my Heart

My dear friend, Bekki, sent me a song link this morning.  Have you heard it?  It is Kari Jobe's new single, "Steady my heart".

"Even when it hurts
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart" 


And boy do I need someone to steady my heart!  Lately I feel like I'm on the verge of a heart attack!  Every morning when I wake up, I start obsessing about getting "the call" about final approval.  And up until yesterday, I was also obsessing about the mail waiting to hear about our grant application.  For those of you that haven't heard, we did not receive a grant from Show Hope.  That one rocked me a little bit.  I think I was really counting on a little help from them to finish out the adoption.  
Per my usual response, I started going to a very dark place.  Why are we adopting?  We could have gone on a really great family vacation!  We could have replaced our high mileage van.  Why are we choosing all of this heartache?  Why am I having to humble myself all the time and ask friends to help us financially pay for this adoption.  That isn't easy!  I worry about being judged.  I worry that people think we are annoying with our fundraising efforts.  
I felt so burned yesterday that my attitude spiraled downward.  
And yes, I might have turned off the radio when Steven Curtis Chapman came on. :)
Hubby asked me a question in the middle of my rant yesterday.  "Would you have felt more supported by God in this if you had received a grant?"  My answer:  "YES!"  I feel like we've fought such an uphill battle through this whole thing.  It would have been nice to get a little encouragement that we were doing His will.  Between the tornado, the tumor, being forced to change local agencies (to the awful social worker we got) etc...it just felt like too much of a fight.  I've seen other adoptions go flawlessly.  Why can't ours be like that?  Does this mean we aren't supposed to do it?  You can imagine that by this point, the pity party was in full swing.


I am human!  I am emotional!  I am easily swayed!  I am easily heartbroken!  I am an easy target for the enemy! :(


I need God to steady my heart.  For this to be a story of God's amazing redemption, I need to step out of the way and stop getting my feelings hurt.  I can't threaten to throw in the towel when the going gets tough.  Because this is actually the easy part.  I know the hard part will come in a few months when we take a child from an orphanage and begin the joyful and heartbreaking task of making her "ours".  


God reminded me of the people that have been supportive in this journey.  God has reminded me of His faithfulness in raising the funds exactly when we need them (not too early, not too late).  And as D-Dog offered to go to China and retrieve his sister this morning, I remembered that it is their story too.  I have to hold onto my resolve for everyone involved...especially Esther!  She needs to know that we would walk through fire for her!  
And to my husband that hugged me through the latest disappointment...I LOVE you more than you'll ever know!  You are my best friend and I am so grateful that we are sharing this crazy life! :)

A few of my favorite things...

Well, the blog post I've been rolling around in my head this week is super depressing!  I've been consumed with the LONG wait for our final approval for Esther.  I have calculated timelines enough lately to qualify as a mathematician!  And mostly, I just feel like a big whiner!  I've eaten enough chocolate to gain 1,000 lbs and the Margarita mix at the grocery store is looking mighty fine!  So, instead of boring you with another whiny post about how impatient i am, I thought I'd refocus on something a little more wonderful!

My mom told me about a home makeover show she had seen on TV recently.  She said the mom of the house had someone take photos of the features she loved most on her kids.  On an outing to the park (camera in hand, of course!) I grabbed a couple of pics of my kids.  The great part about this crafty little endeavor is that I got to spend a little time thinking about each child individually.  So, without further adieu... Here are a few of my favorite things:

This yummy mouth that pulls up at the corners in a mischievous slant...

The eyes...are you kidding me???? (oh, and the freckles too!)

These cheeks have received over a million kisses from me!  Can't get enough!

I don't know how to describe this one.  I had to capture this entire picture.  There is a quiet wisdom here that always startles me a little.  He's kind of an old soul!

Taking the Blame!

Tonight I sat down at the computer desk and noticed a huge mess of correction tape all over a small piece of paper.  Whoever got their hands on the small plastic dispenser had some craft-time fun with it.  The dispenser was broken and the correction tape was everywhere.  As I tried, in vain, to fix it...I ended up covered in the white stuff myself.
My husband was passing by the room and he heard me say, "Who made this mess???"  He came in, saw the project and called the three youngest boys in.  (The oldest one was at a meeting and an unlikely candidate for the crime)
The three boys came in to the room with their poker faces on.  If Mensa recruited based on the ability to sniff out trouble...these three would be top candidates.  As Daddy began the interrogation, I was examining their angelic faces trying to read what was happening in those little minds.  Were they working out their alibi?  Or hashing out a story to throw a brother under the bus.
Finally, sensing that he was getting nowhere (and starting to talk loudly like people do when they are trying to get someone from a different Country to understand English by repeating the same phrase, only LOUDER)
Hubby pulled out the big one:
"Someone made a big mess with the correction tape and used it all up.  If that person doesn't tell me the truth right now, you will all be in trouble and EVERYONE will get punished!!!!!"
Noodle and D-Dog latched on to the, "I don't even know what correction tape you are referring to" look.  But, B...with crocodile tears in his eyes and a look of desperation yelled out, "I did it!"
"Why did you lie to us, B?"  I asked.  He just sat on the floor in a ball.  He didn't answer.  At this point, if you weren't distracted by the utter sadness on B's face, you would notice the other two slinking out of the room slowly.  B's theme song was playing loudly ("Going down.....in a blaze of glory!")  While the other two were dancing out the door to Michael Jackson's "Smooth Criminal".
I finally asked B..."Did you make the mess and use up all the correction tape?"  He started to cry and said, "No.  I didn't even touch it."  "Then why did you admit to it?"  I asked.
" I said I did it because I didn't want my brothers to get punished too."  He answered.

My heart started to hurt a little.  'Cause that's what Jesus did for me.
It feels a little more personal when I know that I was the one sneaking out the door avoiding certain death.  And, He took my punishment for something He didn't do.

I gave B a hug and told him to please not cover for his delinquent brothers anymore. :)

I found the real culprit and had a discussion with him about not lying and letting someone else take the blame for his mistakes.  And the guilty party was required to go get his velcro football wallet and fish out $3 so I could buy new correction tape.

All's well that ends well.  (As they say)  But, I am left with overwhelming gratitude tonight for the One that took my place.

Do you know Him?

Fundraising (HOT TOPIC)

It was recently brought to my attention that fundraising for adoption has a very negative vibe associated with it.  To be clear, it wasn't anyone in my "real life".  It was talked about on a message board.  But, it made me wonder how many others hold that same view.  I have to be honest.  I sometimes get judgmental when people talk about their money woes, as they turn off their 500 inch TV screen and grab the coach purse on the way out to the Escalade.  But, who wouldn't roll their eyes at that?  That's just silly.  But, what about our situation?  Do people roll their eyes at us?  Do they say behind our backs, "If they have to fundraise, they shouldn't be adding kids to their family!  Don't they already have, like, 20 kids?"  When we started this process, we had a whopping zero dollars to kick it off.  But, we also have a God that loves orphans and wants them in homes.  James 1:27 is another one of my favorite verses.  It talks about caring for orphans and widows.
Throughout this $30,000 adventure, God has shown up in amazing ways.  I've had some amazing friends that have donated money for some pictures.  We've had dear friends send checks.  And that tax refund has come in pretty handy.  Last weekend, we had a massive garage sale.  My dear friend, Sherri, allowed us to host it at her home.  Several awesome people in our lives donated things to sell.  Over the entire sale, we raised approximately $1,350 to go toward Es!
The next fundraiser on the horizon is a trivia night/dessert auction.
We have applied for grants, and we've cut our spending.  All of this in an effort to go after one of God's little ones.
So, as I was reflecting on the fundraising controversy, I came to a very clear conclusion.
We live in a country of extreme wealth.  Even the most modest of us are included in the top 5% of wealth in the world.  And this won't sink in unless you've actually SEEN true poverty.  It is out there!
So, do I feel guilty asking my "wealthy" friends (haha!  I know you'll laugh at that one!) for fundraising help?  I do not!  I would never guilt or force.  It is completely voluntary! I am grateful for the amazing people in my life that see it that way.
As I see it, if adoption was more affordable, more people would do it. So, let's take the stigma away from asking for help.
Throughout the fundraising weekend, when I would get tired, or hot, I would think of my sweet Esther sitting in an orphanage.  Whatever I was doing, wasn't half as hard as what she was doing.
And if I'm not willing to go out on a limb and ask for help...what then?  I can't leave it up to the people that have an extra $50,000 in the bank to adopt Esther!  What if nobody goes after her.  She will age out of an orphanage.  She'll be the sad looking older child waiting for a family because too many people are freaked out about her special needs.  Eventually she'll be out on her own and have no one.

OR

I could fundraise a little and let the fantastic people in my life gain some joy in helping to adopt this little girl and give her a family for life.  She'll have four protective brothers and she'll never be alone again.  We'll see the scars of her special needs and we'll know that every effort was worth her life.

I choose THAT!  And hopefully, you would too! :)
So, this puts the issue to bed in my mind.  Fundraising for adoption is ok.  In fact, it is wonderful.  Last week, I was incredibly blessed by the people that helped out.  It had the added benefit of strengthening friendships and providing some serious laughs!  And it put us $1350 closer to Esther!  In fact, my mind is spinning a little right now.  Because I'm already thinking of what we'll do when Es is home.  Maybe annual fundraisers for other adoptive families...or something that would help others do what we're blessed enough to do.  I'll have to keep praying about it.

Love to my peeps!  Thanks for reading my crazy rants. :)  Hope this is an awesome day!

Disclaimer:  This was after we closed up and D-Dog was "over it!"  They worked so hard the entire weekend for their new sister!  I can't wait to tell her how much they loved her even before meeting her...even though D-Dog's face doesn't show it!  :)

Letting God write the story!

This morning I had the awesome opportunity to speak at a Women's breakfast in a nearby town.  The title I picked after a lot of prayer and searching was:  Let God Write your Story
To my many amazing Facebook friends that prayed for me, THANK YOU!  You know that I just wanted God's truth and the theme of His faithfulness in our lives to shine through.  And He was totally faithful.  It went well and I got to meet some incredible women.  I don't know if they understand how much they encouraged me.  Some of them shared their stories of pain and survival.  One brave woman shared her distrust of Christians.  I prayed on the way home that she would be able to know how much God loves her and her family.
The bottom line is that we all have a story.  It is either being written by God or by us.  When we write the story, it brings glory to us and we face the temptation of going down a bitter path when crisis hits.  But, when God writes our story, it is about His glory and His faithfulness.  I hope it didn't come across that I had it all figured out, because I don't.  I'm as flawed as they come.  But, I cling to Him and the HOPE He offers me.  Being a Christian doesn't mean you'll have a perfect life.  You can be incredibly obedient and still walk through sadness. But, I believe that God uses those times to grow the character in us and to prepare us for what He created us for.    It was a really great morning and I am really honored that they let me share.  Looking forward to next weekend at Metro Community Church when we'll get to address the topic of fear.
Have a great day, friends, and spend a few minutes contemplating the story that is being written in your life.
jilly