O Holy Night: Christmas on the Streets

Christmas is lovely.  It is also one of the most stressful times of the year.  With every beautiful Christmas card I receive, I am reminded that I couldn't get my act together to send them out this year. I had plans for cookie baking with the family that never happened.  And I'm anxiously waiting for Amazon to arrive with a sleigh full of last minute presents for my people. I think we try so hard to make this time of year magical that when it fails to move our hearts, we wonder how we are failing.

We have a checklist in our minds: 

• buy presents
• send cards
• make cookies
• attend parties
• play holiday music constantly
• add lights

This year is different.  This year, I found Christmas somewhere other than my usual list. 

There are some amazing people out there doing amazing things. Two weeks ago I joined them in a little bus filled with donated clothing, hats, gloves, and blankets.  We traveled to various places around St. Louis to meet with the homeless community. The organization is called Churches on the Streets and they are meeting the tangible needs of the community. They bring a food truck filled with delicious dinners and hot chocolate. But it is so much more than just meeting a physical need.

I spent last night close to the Mississippi in a place they call "tent city." It had been raining all day, so the potholes were filled with water and the tree limbs used for fire were wet. When we arrived, it was dark. It was so incredibly dark. We stumbled around handing out donated bags of candy, hand warmers, and socks. Eventually, lights were added, Santa showed up, the smell of dinner filled the air and we started singing carols.   

Just like that...it was transformed.  LOVE was the transformation. As I stood in a circle laughing and singing with members of the homeless community, it hit me.  THIS is holiness!  I closed my eyes and tried not to let anyone see the tears slip down my cheeks. One man smiled and remarked, "I wish it could always be like this!" Who knew that holiness, true Christmas, could be found on the dark streets of St. Louis. I didn't know it would exist in the hugs, laughs, and jokes shared between a hyper girl from the suburbs and friends struggling with addictions, homelessness, and prison experiences. 

But friends, It WRECKED me! I know their names.  I know their stories.  I see their addictions. I see their hearts. As we walked to our car at the end of the night, I made the mistake of looking back. One of the guys we spent the evening with was standing there in the dark with his bag of goodies. I called him Teddy Bear.  He is a 6'5" man with the most gentle nature I've ever met. I should have felt good inside.  I should have felt like I made a difference.  But I mostly just wanted to vomit. This is what brokenness for Jesus looks like.  You serve, but you don't get to feel good about yourself afterwards.  Instead, you leave a piece of your heart on the streets.  You worry that it will be too cold for your new friends.  You get scared that the tickle in their throat or the fever may turn into something serious and they won't get the help they need. You want to protect them from the drug deal waiting for them down the street.

My "Teddy Bear" with Santa

As I came home and processed the night, I was keenly aware that I had experienced holiness in its most genuine form. My previous list was destroyed. I saw the birth of Jesus in a whole new light.

Jesus didn't come to earth with lights, choirs, and expensive parties.  He was born into the dark streets of Bethlehem. As our pastor/chaplain so beautifully put it last night...Jesus spent his whole life homeless. Luke 9:58 quotes Jesus as saying, "Foxes have dens and birds have nests.  But the son of God has no place to lay his head." Jesus didn't come for the party.  He came for the broken. He knew our names, he knew our stories.  He saw our addictions, and he saw our hearts. And in the dark sinful world, LOVE was the transformation.

If you would like to learn more about Churches on the Street, please visit the Facebook page.  Financial donations are always needed to keep this ministry going. https://www.facebook.com/ChurchesontheStreetsSTL

Wanna Do Something Cool With Me?

I was driving my car toward my hometown.  I had achy legs, heavy eyes, and a crabby toddler with a vaccination induced fever.  I had no time to make dinner, so I also had Papa John's pizza in the car.  Instead of going straight home like I wanted to, I had to make a stop first.  I had lamented to no less than five friends that I thought it was ridiculous that I was making this stop in the first place.  I was filled with righteous indignation.

I followed my Google Maps voice to the correct address.  It was on main street.  So, of course, I had to park a few houses down from my destination.  I hopped out of the car and yelled up to an elderly lady on the porch.  Yes.  This was the correct house.

My original plan was to pull quickly into the driveway, pop open my van, and unload the five heavy chairs and take off.  I mean, who buys chairs at a garage sale in one town and then expects them to be delivered to their house in another town???  Did I mention that I was tired?  I had been awake since 5am.

When I saw the lack of a driveway, and an elderly lady on the porch, I knew my plan would have to be adjusted.  I sighed heavily, put on my super fake Christian smile, (you know…the one that says, "I sweat sunshine") and I began the task of carrying the chairs one at a time from my van down the street into the house of the intended.

My first thought was, "My pizza is getting cold."  I know…I'm like the best person ever!

But, something happened as my legs carried me back and forth.  I didn't exactly "HEAR" God's voice. And I don't want you to think I'm being super cheesy here.  The best way to describe it, is to say that I had a thought and I knew it wasn't my own thought.  I heard something in my mind.  And I have known Jesus long enough to know that it was His voice.

"If you can't serve me with a willing heart when I ask you to deliver chairs using all the comfort and excess that I've given you…How in the world do you think you are going to be able to serve me in China?"

Oh, and for those of you that are keeping a tally…That is God-1, Jill-0.  Turns out, the lady I delivered the chairs to is a foster mom.  yeah…the depths of my selfishness really can run deep.

12 hours earlier

Don't you love it on movies and TV when they do that?  You might have gotten stuck at the "Serve in China" part.  So, I'm going to back up a little and tell you what that's about.

A friend of mine went on a trip this summer to an orphanage in China.  She partnered with an adoption agency so she was able to hold, feed, clean, love, and play for a solid week.  She also had the opportunity to tell the stories of many of these remarkable children.  This has been a powerful tool in advocating for these little ones. Those of you that know me well will understand that THIS is my heartbeat! This is what God has placed me on earth to do.

This same friend is leading a trip back to China next June.  Several of us have signed up.  Last weekend was our first fundraiser.  We held a garage sale.  That is how I ended up in the middle of a lesson on servanthood by the greatest servant leader this world has ever known.

Needless to say, my heart was humbled.  As I drove home, I prayed a prayer of thankfulness for God's amazing grace and mercy.  I thanked Him for the fact that he never gives up on me and that he speaks words of truth into my life.  I am a better person because I have His guidance.  Without him in my life, I would be a selfish mess and lack any direction at all.  See, God doesn't guilt me.  He teaches me.  It was a simple question.  If I can't serve Jesus in all of my comfort, how can I serve him when I leave my comfort zone behind?

Don't you just love your comfort zone?  It really is….comfortable.  :)  But, nothing very exciting happens there.

I LOVE this scripture from Matthew 25:34-40

34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. 36 I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.’37 “Then these righteous ones will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? 39 When did we ever see you sick or in prison and visit you?’40 “And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters,[a] you were doing it to me!’

Friends, I don't need to hear any other words than this.  I don't know about you, but any praise we gain here in life is meaningless when compared with this scripture.  This is the purpose for our lives.  We are meant to love and care for others.  We are here to make a difference for "the least of these."  

So, I am ecstatic and over the moon that I get to invite you to be part of this journey…this scripture.

I need money. 

Just kidding.  Well, technically, I do need some financial support.  The cost of the trip is $4,000.  I am willing to work for it.  Truly, that is part of the path.  I'll take your picture, babysit your children, and possibly try to sell you some apples, candy, pizza, etc…
I also need some prayer.  I know that mission trips usually come with a request for prayer.
But I have a specific prayer request.  Will you pray that God prepares us (the whole team) even though I know that heart preparation can be painful.  I want our souls to be ready to be broken and crushed for these sweet children without families.  I want us to physically ache for their loneliness.  I want our sleep to be interrupted until we have told every last story.  

Just like Jesus was broken for our lives, I want to be broken for theirs.

Will you consider being part of something amazing with me?  

Can you commit financially and prayerfully?

I can promise you that as I sit on an orphanage floor and hold the least of these, I will do it with your arms.  I will kiss their sweaty heads with your lips.  I will pray over them with your prayers. And I will be Jesus to them with YOUR help.  Please do this with me.  Please be part of it.  It matters so much!  And I will be delighted to hear Jesus speak the words of the scripture into your ears…"whatever you did for the least of these, you did for me.  Come, you who are blessed by my Father."  

My email is: jilliansfive@gmail.com  If you want to join me in some way, please let me know!

Fifty Shades of Expectation!

I saw the movie trailer for Fifty Shades of Grey.  Did you see it?  WOW!  Steamy, Hot, Crazy!

I think it is part of my nature to be attracted to things like this.  When I was a teenager, I read every Harlequin romance novel I could find.  And yes…calling those things a novel is a bit of a stretch!  I would get completely wrapped up in the story, (and let's be honest…the sex scenes).

If I'm being truly honest, I would tell you that the constant stream of delicious steamy interactions began to change my brain a bit.  I set my expectations to match what I read.  And I've been left unfulfilled ever since.  Before you start thinking this has anything to do with my husband, let me set you straight.

I am completely fulfilled in my marriage.  Intimacy is healthy.  My husband even cooks and does dishes.  That is super sexy…am I right, ladies???

Even though I am in a great marriage, I struggle sometimes.  It has taken me years to figure out where the conflict originates.

I finally understand.

I was reading Ann Voscamp's book, "A Thousand Gifts".  In the beginning, she talks about Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden.  God created them with everything they needed.  They had the perfect situation.  There was literally nothing out there that could have made it better.  They had conversations with God the way we talk to each other.  Adam and Eve had access to all the beauty their eyes could hold.

And yet…

The enemy whispered…"Maybe there is something more…"

And the conflict began.  Most of us know how that story went down.  The snake talked Eve into eating from the forbidden tree, she took Adam down with her.  (just kidding!  He is responsible for his own stinking decision.) The first rebellious teens in history got kicked out of the garden and out of God's perfection.  It pretty much went downhill from there.  Nothing has changed in all these years.

The question still remains: "What if there is something more?"  I believe that question, in regards to sexuality, gets us into trouble every time.

Here's why Fifty Shades is bad for me.

For full disclosure, I read the first book.  I read every crazy detail.  That was my apple.  I took a bite.  But, life doesn't roll like a novel.  I don't know about you, but I don't walk around with gorgeously applied eye make-up and perfectly tousled hair.  My husband doesn't stare at me while I brush my teeth, and make eggs, and load the dishwasher.  If he had to hold that powerful smoldering look all day, he might eventually look constipated.  He doesn't walk into the room and throw me up against the wall and kiss me like he's gonna lose me…at least not every day.  :)  We have kids, and bills, and health issues, and grocery shopping, and did I mention kids???  We have people piled up in bunk beds all over this house.  Where in the heck would we put our "Red Room"?

The truth is:  That kind of passion is not realistic all of the time.  And the danger of books and movies like Fifty Shades of Grey, is that we begin to expect it.  And when our own spouse doesn't fulfill our expectations…we might start daydreaming about someone that will.  How unfair and unfortunate for our spouse.

If my husband looked at pornography, he might have the same brain changes and weird expectations of me. I've got our internet locked down like fort knox, so I would know if anyone around here googled "boobs".  I'm not crazy!  Five boys live here!  But, I'm certainly not going to clean toilets in a maid's costume. (is that a porn expectation?) My body isn't plastic, and when I try to play coy, I look like an idiot.

You will not get a guilt trip from me if you go see the movie.  I'm not going to make you feel awful about it.  To be honest, before Jesus crushed my heart on the issue, I actually thought about going to see it at a theatre across the river, alone, while wearing a disguise.  Nothing screams, "I'm running from Jesus" like a girl in a ninja costume at a seedy theatre.  I just want to challenge you…friend to friend.  I'm challenging you to skip it.  Do it for your marriage.  If you're single, skip it for your future spouse.  Instead of spending the money on a movie ticket, spend it on a card telling your significant other that you love and admire them.  If you are married, you can still go have awesome sex.  You'll just end up more fulfilled and you won't be putting unrealistic expectations on your spouse.

I was sitting at church last night with our teenage fusion kids and a thought came over me.  The words are lyrics from a Matthew West song.  "I don't want a flame, I want a fire."  I don't want a small and unfulfilled, meaningless life.  I want a life that makes a difference.  I want to stay focused on the stuff that really matters.  I want a healthy marriage, kids that know and love Jesus, and a passion to fight for the ones that can't fight for themselves.

Skipping this movie is a very small way of making sure I have a fire, not a flame.

I'm leaving this apple on the tree!!!!!

What about you?

The things I learned at Holiday World

Yesterday our family left home at 6:30am and set off for Holiday World in Indiana.  For those of you that don't know, Holiday World is an incredible theme park in the middle of cornfields.  The town is Santa Claus, Indiana.  The story of how the park came to be is actually google worthy.

We were one of the first cars in the parking lot and one of the last cars to leave.  To say we dominated the park would be an understatement.  Sometimes we stuck together and other times we divided to conquer.  Today, we are left with aching legs, sunburns, and smiles that seem to be stuck to our faces.

During our time at the park, I was actually quite reflective.  The following are some observations I made about life, love, and family.

1.  I care too much about what I look like.  I stood in front of the mirror and tried to figure out how to lose a quick 20lbs, get a tan, and pull my hair up into that up-do that says to the world "I don't care…I wake up like this" but it actually takes a good 30 minutes to perfect.  I put on a very small amount of make-up, but the lashes did get a coat of mascara.  At the waterpark, I realized that there are so many different body shapes and sizes.  Some were dressed modestly, others were not. My hairdo got wet on the first water slide and I spent the remainder of the day looking gross with mascara lines down my cheeks.  But it didn't matter.  When I was there, I forgot to care.  At one point, I was walking along holding hands with my three year old and she looked up at me and said, "We two cute girls, mama!"  Yes, E!  We two cute girls.  Don't ever lose your perspective!

2.. Teenage angst disappears when you go somewhere fun.  We've been having some serious attitude issues around here lately.  I don't remember picking up apathy from high school registration.  But, it made its ugly way into our home.  I've been praying about how to handle it with love and grace.  It was so much fun to have my son's sweet personality back.  It is a surreal thing to watch all of your children interact without the usual fighting and drama.  They were stuck in a Christmas morning excitement all day long.  They helped each other, they laughed with each other, and even bonded.  By the end of the day, I was daydreaming about adopting another child to plop in our perfect family.  :)

3.  My son, N, is REALLY good with a basketball.  I know this, of course.  I've spent countless hours at his games.  I watch him practice on the driveway consistently.  But, watching him become the family rockstar as he won basketballs for the entire family with his flawless free throws was amazing!  We all stood in amazement.  He stood with pride.

4.  My husband is a kid at heart.  That is one of the things I love the most about him.  He can be all business when he needs to be.  But, he sure knows how to have fun.  His WOO HOO!!!  could be heard on every ride.  His smile barely fit in the park.  He challenged the boys to ride the craziest rides in the place.  I really love that man!

5.  Where there is a will…there is a way!  I was a little nervous about how we would handle E's catheterization at the water park.  It was a small challenge.  Free soda kiosks around every corner; coupled with the fact that we had to leave her supplies in one location while we ran around and played added difficulty.  But we made it work.  I could be found running across concrete in my bare feet holding a 30lb child.  But we made it work!  Ironically, a child that shall never be named…stood in line so long with a full bladder that apparently he peed down his trunks and forced his dad to disperse the yellow puddle on the steps.  Sorry, Holiday World!

It was a short trip.  It was our farewell to summer 2014.  But hopefully, the bonding we did will carry us through the start of another crazy school year.

Secret Powers and Paranoia!

I have to show you a picture.  It is a photo of our dog that was taken by my nine year old.  You can clearly surmise from this example that my child is a better photographer than I am.  Sadly, he was probably holding the camera with one hand and not really paying attention to what he was doing.

I mean, how did he capture such a pensive look on our little pup's face?  And don't get me started on the lighting.

So, Toby kind of has a secret power.  He has the ability to sense when someone is sick or hurt.  I know, I know, you are reading this thinking…"Jill.  My dog/cat/horse/gerbil/hamster/snake/gecko can do the same thing.  But seriously, this dog is like Dr. Quinn medicine woman dog.  He covers everything from   headaches to surgery.  If you have the stomach flu, he is pressed up against you like his body heat holds the cure.  If you just sprained your ankle?  This beast will elevate your leg.  My mom had eye surgery on two separate occasions and both times, Toby parked himself right next to her as she recovered on our couch.

I am a bit paranoid by nature.  But, I have been the benefactor of Toby's compassion.  Lately, I have noticed that he has been following me around like a stalker.  At first, I was thinking maybe my new lotion had a kind of bacon smell to it.  But, no…that wasn't it.  I tried faking him out by running out of the room and hitting up a different room of the house.  But that mammal followed me through the house.  I'll lay down in my bed and that crazy thing will wander upstairs and park himself on my side of the bed.

OK.  For full disclosure, I should mention that I have another tumor.  Remember the tumor they found right after the tornado under my ear?  Well, I have another one on my back.  The first one was benign.  I'm hoping (and my doctor assures me) that this one will be benign too.  But, Toby has me freaked out! I mean, I have quietly pulled him aside and told him not to worry.  I have yelled from behind a closed door, "IT'S BENIGN, YOU FREAK!"  My family assures me that it is all in my head.  They claim that he follows them too.  I'm pretty sure this is a lie since I've been charting how often he ends up by each person in our family.  I'll let you know what comes of the newest tumor.  I have an appointment on Monday.

See what happens when God takes away my stupid television???  I have more time to blog about weird things like my paranoia and my dog's secret powers.  I am obviously off my rocker!

Oh, and for those of you savvy with the world of streaming television, when you cancel your subscription you still have the content until your billing cycle is complete.  So, I've been on this journey of holiness and my family has been binge watching 24 like sugar addicts in a candy store.

I'll leave you with this captivating waste of time while I go read my book.  And no, I didn't add the "Orange is the New Black" memoir to my kindle list.  Although, I totally thought about it.  I mean, it was a free ebook rental from the library.  No.  I'm reading a book about orphanages in China and an organization called Half the Sky.  It is a better fit for me right now.

Also (and this is quite possibly the only good content in this blog post) I want to say thank you to those of you that reached out and shared your struggles with me.  It encouraged me more than you will ever know.  It showed me that we all have different things that pull our hearts away from Jesus.  But, we are all completely loved and cherished by him.  He will keep pursuing us.  More on that later.  Only because I can't possibly mesh my dog and Jesus in the same post.

Love and all that jazz,
jill

The god of Netflix

My mind was filled with an image.  It was a clear image of the path I've been walking lately.  It was a picture of a cross.  Several months ago, I was wrapped around the cross.  My arms and legs were intertwined in a way that made it difficult to see where the cross ended and I began.  In those days, I got my strength and breath from Christ.  He sustained me through the beautiful and complicated days of mothering.  I talked to Him.  I didn't merely throw up a quick prayer and walk on.  We were close.  I could feel purpose in my days.

I'm not sure when the slow fade began.  I can't pinpoint the day I began to untangle myself from the cross.  But over hours, days, weeks, months, a new picture emerged.  This one contained a cross.  But I was no longer wrapped around it.  I had started with a leg.  Just a small part of me was creeping out into culture.  Then I moved on until the new and current image of the cross stood almost alone and only my fingertips remained on it.

I am grateful for the conviction of Christ.  Before I moved too far away to clearly hear His voice, he allowed me to see that things had changed.  We weren't as close as we once were.  My personality had changed.  My heart had changed.  I was still spouting the same Christian Rhetoric.  But my head, heart, and life didn't match the words. I was aware that while my mouth said the right thing to the people around me, I didn't have the empathy or love I once had.  I had been corrupted.  

I was listening to music that was completely inappropriate.  And I stopped caring that my kids were in the car.  I was binge watching shows on Netflix that were filled with vulgar images and content.  Of course, I was still holding onto my self-righteousness!  Hey, its Netflix, not heroine!  But it didn't matter.  The cause of Christ was becoming secondary and culture was becoming my god.  I became very good at justifying it.  I didn't have time to focus on being a good mom or wife.  My house was a mess and I didn't care.  I've always had the desire to be rebellious for God.  Status Quo doesn't interest me.  Give me crazy.  Don't tell me something can't be done for His glory…find a way.  But somewhere along the line…thanks to my deceitful heart…I became rebellious for myself instead.  I put down the Bible and picked up junk.  

Yesterday I came to a crossroad.  I spoke honestly to my husband about everything.  I admitted my addiction to television shows that are bad for me.  I asked him to be my accountability.  I realized that I had a choice to make.  Fingertips on the cross while the rest of my body has moved away is a dangerous position.  What about the passion I had for orphans, brokenness, lonely people?  I was becoming a judgmental jerk.  

It is one thing to make a decision.  It is another thing to do something about it.  

Today, I am in detox.  It is hard!  But it is good.  Last night I cancelled all subscriptions to streaming television.  Please know that this is my own personal journey.  I am definitely not suggesting that a mass exodus from Netflix is necessary.  Ask me how many times I've been tempted to sign back up so I can watch one more episode of Orange is the New Black.  Ummmm, about a million.  But, I'm keeping busy with my kids.  I'm obviously blogging for the first time in three months.  And when the temptation strikes, I pray.  That's it.  That is how today is going.  But guess what I haven't done.  I haven't hidden away in my closet and yelled at my kids when they interrupted a show.  

As a reader, you will probably have one of two reactions.  Either you will feel some solidarity with me and maybe examine your own heart and life for the things that are pulling you away from the cross.  Or you will judge me.  I hope you don't judge me.  

If you feel brave enough, message me and share your own struggles.  A lot of time has just opened up in my day.  :)  I would love to pray for you as we walk this life together.  

Our lives have purpose.  I don't want to be distracted from that and waste my time here on earth.  Thanks for reading and loving me even when I go astray.  

Birth mom...

The weather today is a total gift.  I think I am enjoying it even more because I know that we will leave 80 degrees over the next few hours and crash back into Winter.  Everything about today gives me hope.  I think I know what perennial flowers feel like as they poke their little heads through the soil in anticipation of the sun's warmth.  I'm convinced the breeze is actually singing to me as it travels across my skin.  "The wait is almost over.  The death of winter is slowly making his exit." it says to me.  There is a physical ache to see the bare trees covered with leaves, to see the grass lush and green.  I can't wait to hear laughter and splashing as neighborhood children play in pools.  I want barbecues, park play dates, and water gun fights.  I WANT SUMMER!

But I need to slow down.  I need to treasure today.

I walked upstairs this afternoon to wake my daughter from her nap.  She was on my bed and she looked so sweet and peaceful.

I couldn't bring myself to wake her yet.  So I sat beside her on the bed and allowed my mind to drift across the ocean and settle on her birth mom.

So much has changed in the three years since this baby was left near a cornfield.  I wish I could telepathically send a message to the woman that carried this sweet girl for nine months.  I would have so much to tell her about the daughter that binds us together.  I wonder if Es was a thumb sucker at birth.  Three years later, this is something that has not changed.  She has a callous on her thumb where she has worn out the skin with her tongue.  The birth mark on her arm that was so bright at birth has all but faded away.  The scar on her back is a reminder that modern medicine saved her life.

Her blanket (that she calls bc since she can't pronounce blankie) is with her everywhere she goes.
She is loving and she is brave.  She likes pink nail polish and blue superhero shirts.  Pockets are a requirement for pants (she needs a place to put her sword).

She has four energetic and funny brothers that love her like crazy.  She has a daddy that is teaching her every day what it looks like to be cared for.  He plays pirates and ponies with her.  She snuggles up on his lap to watch basketball.  She is incredibly smart and irresistibly cute.  She has a fantastic sense of humor and she is compassionate.
But more than anything, I wish I could look into the eyes that are a reflection of my daughter's.  I wish I could hold her hand and let her know that the details don't consume me.  I will never know this woman.  And I will never know why she gave Es up.  Instead, I would tell her, with tears streaming down my face, that this little girl owns my heart.  She has captured it completely and I love her more than my own life.  I will love her, hold her, fight for her, and raise her to be proud of her first home and the people that gave her life.

Someday Es will look to me for answers to questions that I can't begin to explain.  But I pray that when that time comes, her heart will be whole and she will understand how completely loved she is.  My prayer is also for her birth mom.  I pray that somehow she will know that this child is alive and thriving in a home where she is treasured.  And I pray for the healing that must take place in her soul as well.  We are, after all, bonded for life by this beautiful and amazing little person.

Focus!

Here's the problem with Netflix…

I cannot be held to the time constraints of the networks.  And I can never remember to set the DVR.  So, the beauty of Netflix is that I can find a show that I've always been curious about and watch 218 episodes in a row.  This, of course, feeds my impatient nature.  It works fabulously with my immediate gratification issues.  And guess what?  When the available episodes are behind me, I can log on to Hulu + and watch the next 17 episodes on there.  Lord help me if I catch up with the current episode and I have to sit through those pesky commercials and wait a whole week for the next installment!!!

Anybody relate?  ;)

Hubby and I were on a marriage retreat Friday and Saturday.  My parents (who are either saints or completely crazy) watched all five kids for us.  From the moment we got into the swagger wagon until we pulled back into the garage at home, we were two wild and crazy kids.  We had FUN!  We got to sit together, hold hands, talk, and other stuff that my husband would kill me if I talked about!

Since we are both trying hard to keep the exercise on track (and because we both exercise to eat) we got up early on Saturday and hit the hotel gym.

Knowing this was a possibility, I had planned to take my iPhone with me and watch the latest installment of "Revenge"  (I know…don't judge me!)  I've been planning the take-down of the Graysons since episode 1.

To my dismay, I realized on the way to the hotel that I had forgotten my earbuds.  Immediately, I tried to figure out how to trick my husband into stopping at walmart under another pretense so I could buy some new earbuds.  I searched the seats of the van like a kid digging for change through the couch.  But, since it was a marriage retreat and I couldn't, in good conscience, start it out with a lie (and an addiction to television)  I kept quiet.

As we began our workout, I was still lamenting (silently) that I was going to have to sweat it out without any entertainment.  There was a TV on the treadmill.  It was mocking me!  You can see me….but you can't hear me!  So, I looked up and could see out into the center of the hotel.  It was dark, quiet, and beautiful.  I could see the pool if I looked out. And I could see the snow if I looked up through the glass ceiling.

God pushed aside all the clutter in my head and invited me to hang out with Him instead.

I did.

It was the most amazing 30 minutes I've had in a really long time.

I started praying over each member of my family.  I began by just thanking God for all the amazing qualities my loved ones possessed.  I started with my husband.  I asked God to give me a word to help me focus on how to pray for each person.  This is what He gave me.

For Hubby, I got "support".  I need to keep praying that God will show me how to support my hardworking and driven husband.  He is my closest friend, but he is also super busy.
For Son 1, I got "Intentional".  He will only be living full time in our home for four more years.  I am asking God to keep me intentional about my words and instruction.  Z has so much to learn and know about life, love, and faith.
For Son 2, I got "Nurture".  He has a tough exterior and he can defend himself.  But on the inside, he is a tender and beautiful soul.  He sweetly asks for affirmation that he's good enough and smart enough, and wonderful enough.  I need God to help me nurture that sweet side of him and build him up.
For Son 3, I got "Encourage".  B is generous and thoughtful and passionate and did I mention passionate.  I need God to help me encourage him in his thirst for knowledge about Christ.  I need to encourage his generous spirit.
For Son 4, I got "Guidance".  This awesome cat is a bit of a mix.  He has a tender and sweet heart.  But he also struggles with the need to "be cool…or be accepted"  I need God to help me guide him down the right path and help him steer away from the wrong choices.  God has amazing things planned for these kids!
And for baby girl…I got "LOVE"  She has had the hardest of beginnings.  Her journey to attachment in this family has been a fight.  But I am praying that she will know the complete and genuine love we have to offer and that someday it will point her to a creator that has known her even longer than I've known her.  I pray that I will lovingly help her through her health issues and the emotional issues that are to come.

And for myself, "Time"  I pray that God will help me manage my time and make Him a priority!

What a gift this time of prayer was! I feel focused!

What about you?  Can you carve out a bit of time?  Even when you're driving to work…turn off the radio and ask God to give you a word of focus for each person in your life.  I think you'll find that it will focus your thoughts and your prayers for each specific person.

It is Sunday.  I am getting ready to run out the door and head to church.  If you are local, come join me.  I can promise you that you'll really love today!  We've got a really fantastic guest speaker and we're starting the day with a little Bon Jovi music!!

Hope to see you!

Chasing Imperfection!

Please indulge me for a minute while I post a couple of "selfies"  (btw, autocorrect keeps turning "selfies" into "selfless"…so  ironic!  haha

This is a picture of me fresh from the shower.  I have not dried my hair and I'm not wearing a bit of make-up.  I know, I know…none of you realized I had this much natural beauty!  ;)

And after spending at least 20 minutes in front of the mirror and tons of costly products, I ended up with this:

No jokes, please, about not knowing which one is the "before" and which one is the "after".

In our culture and society, I only really have one option when it comes to leaving my house.  I am required to put on make-up and fix my hair if I want to fit in.  If I want "perfection" or "socially acceptable"  I have to alter my appearance.

Why?

Who decided it had to be this way?  When I showed both pics to my kids, they said the second picture looked better.  But, when I pushed them to tell me why, they were stumped.  They gave answers like, "because you are wearing make-up and your hair is dry."  But, why does make-up make me look better?  We can all agree that the trickery of cosmetics can hide flaws and boost assets.  But, why do I feel the need to boost assets and hide flaws?  Who told me that those things needed to be addressed?

Contrary to where you think this is headed, I'm not railing against society and our willingness to conform to culture's expectations.

Instead, I'd love for us to take a look at our idea of perfection and challenge it a little.

Here's another picture for you to ponder.

This is a picture of my daughter's back.  And this isn't even the entire scar.

What do you think when you see this?

This scar represents the imperfection of my child's body.  The defect that required such a large incision will cause her to struggle her entire life.
Her bowel and bladder are unable to function "perfectly" so we have to utilize modern medicine and medical supplies to get her to a socially acceptable place.  She will require nightly enemas that take approximately 30-45 minutes and when she's ready to be out of diapers, she will take medication for life and have to use a catheter to void her bladder.  Not ideal, right?

During her last appointment, I held it together pretty well.  But when we got home and the weight of her struggle hit me, I cried.  I cried that she will struggle.  I cried that it won't be easy.  I worried that the students in her class someday would tease her.  I wondered how this would affect her dreams and goals in life.

So I have to ask a question.  If you had the opportunity to adopt someone like E… would you?  Would this scare you away?  Or would you run toward it?

This is what scares me more than spina bifida:

I'm afraid that we spend too much time chasing perfection.  We want the perfect car, the perfect house, the perfect job, the perfect kids, the perfect dog, the perfect vacation, the perfect church, the perfect friends, the perfect life.

What if, instead, we chased after the broken and messy?  It would be hard.  But, I'm willing to bet that it would be more amazing.

I have a confession.  The scar on my daughter keeps me close to Jesus.  To me, it represents a journey of faith toward something imperfect.  It signifies a second chance... redemption... adoption.

Someone made the same journey for me once.  He chased after someone completely imperfect (me) and offered me a second chance... redemption... adoption.  The cost was much greater for him.  It actually cost him his life to chase me.  HE is the reason I roll up my sleeves and dive into parenting every day.  He is the reason I run past perfection in pursuit of imperfection.  And He is the reason this beautiful soul exists.

This pursuit makes me fall on my face in worship and thank Him for allowing me to see where true beauty exists.
Where is He calling you?  What is He asking you to chase?  I'd love to hear about it!!!

Phoebe

Imagine that you have made the decision to invest in a home.  This has not been made flippantly.  You've soul searched, checked your finances, talked with friends, and made the decision to start the process.

One day your realtor calls you.  She says, "Log onto your computer right now!  I have sent you the information on a home for sale."  You can barely contain the excitement as you log on and wait for what seems like days for the info to load.  And there it is.  It is like a dream come true.  Your heart is beating quickly.  Your hands are shaking as you scroll through the details.  You begin imagining your family making a thousand memories inside the house.  You fast forward to Christmas celebrations, kids losing teeth, prom, graduation…  You've already decided at first sight that you love this home.

The realtor reminds you to be realistic.  There are some things not quite completed in this home.  It has a few issues.  You will need to do some work and it may take time and money.  "That's okay, you announce.  We want to buy it!"  Because…you're not afraid of a little hard work.

Just before closing, your realtor calls you with some bad news.  The inspection revealed that the house is in worse shape than you thought.  The foundations has cracks.  The plumbing is a mess, and the whole thing needs rewired.  But, she laughs nervously and says, "At least you still have time to pull out of the deal."  "I mean, who wants to buy a broken house?"

You sit with your family and you feel shock.  The dream begins to die as you are faced with a decision.  Do you go ahead with the sale?  Do you buy something that will take far more effort than you think you have?  Or do you get out now….while you can?  And if you settle into a house that you find in the future, do you sigh with relief that you dodged a bullet?  Or do you always wonder what could have been?

What would you do?  I think if we are honest, most of us would walk away from the broken home.

But, what if we weren't talking about a house?  What if our "realtor" was a social worker.  And what if the "house" was a child?  If you plug those details into the same scenario, you would have the current situation of my dear friends.

I remember meeting with them to discuss adoption.  They looked a lot like we did when we started the process.  I think there is a general look of excitement and expectation.  We were thrilled when they jumped in with both feet to the process and started gathering paperwork like their lives depended on it.  I remember getting the call that they had been matched with a little girl.  The only thing I can compare it to is when you give birth and see your child for the first time.  There is a certain AWE attached to it.  We all celebrated and we have walked along side these friends as they wait for what seems like an eternity for China to give approval for travel.

Unfortunately, these friends got a life-changing call last week.  Their daughter in China is sick.  When they sent paperwork off, she was a healthy little toddler.  But now, as information makes its way from hospital to agency to family room, they are learning that their "DREAM" is going to look much different than they thought.

I spoke with these friends a few days ago and asked some real and difficult questions.  Perhaps the most difficult question to ask was whether or not they would continue this pursuit.  "China will give you the option to choose a different child."  I said.  I wasn't being cruel.  I just know how this thing works.  "I know." the husband replied.  And through tears, he responded with a simple phrase. "She's our daughter.  We have to go get her."

Can you understand the gravity of that resolve?  They are going to travel half way across the globe to adopt a child with significant special needs.  She will require special help for the rest of her life.  And at this point, they don't even know what the quality of her life will be.  This goes beyond commitment, friends.

They are currently working on getting a medical expedite so they can travel sooner to bring their daughter home.  The sooner they get her here, the sooner they can have her evaluated and start a plan for her issues.

I am including a link for their fundraising page.  Since things might move quicker than they thought, the money might be due sooner than they had planned.  I'd love to see all of us jump on board and help them raise the final funds to go after Phoebe and have a little left over to start caring for her medical needs.

I know this blog post is getting really long.  But I have to close it out with these final thoughts.  I've been in tears over this situation.  They are not tears of hopelessness.  They are tears of hope and gratefulness.  We live in a culture that runs from the broken.  If something isn't perfect, we don't want it.  But Phoebe's story has reminded me that I follow a God that runs TO the broken.  When He looked at me and saw me broken in sin, he could have turned the other way and said, "Why would I invest my precious resources in someone that is so broken?"  But God didn't see my brokenness.  He saw my beauty.  And that is what we see in Phoebe's story.  She is real.  She is alive.  And she will be part of a family.  She will experience LOVE!  That is beautiful and that inspires me!!!

If you want to be part of this journey, click on the link below. And if you pray…please pray for Phoebe.  Please pray that God will hold her while her parents cannot.  Thank you for your heartbeat toward the orphans of the world.  This is an investment with amazing returns!

Phoebe Moore fundraiser

sweet baby girl before her health issues started

don't you want to kiss that face?

Our Unconventional Snow Weekend

It is no secret that I'm a bit of a weather nerd.  I have several weather apps on my phone and I tend to enjoy conversations about weather patterns and trends.  Once, I made my husband order cable so I  could get The Weather Channel!

But weather nerds were not the only ones on weather watch.  I was at the grocery story with my entire town on Saturday morning.  After returning home from the busiest shopping trip in history, a thought occurred to me.  We are at the end of Christmas break.  My kids are bored out of their gourds.  How will I keep them from fighting?  How will I keep them off of their devices?  How will I endure one more episode of "Good Luck, Charlie"?  The answer came while I was at the library returning books.  I walked past a table stocked with snow themed books.  Those librarians are so clever!  As I perused the selection, my eyes landed on an oldie but goodie.  I knew this would be the answer to our snow weekend boredom.  I returned home with a plan formulating and a vaguely familiar feeling in my mind…could it be…excitement?

On Sunday afternoon, I gathered my bickering troops.

"I HAVE A SURPRISE!"  I announced.

"Go grab your pillows and blankets.  Put on your most comfortable pajamas and meet me back in the family room in five minutes", I said.

I could hear them chatting with each other.  The mood had changed.  Now they were working as a team to figure out what I had planned.  Did mom rent a movie?  Are we watching Netflix?  What else could there be?

I assembled my crew and asked hubby to build a fire.  The kids looked a bit perplexed because we do not actually have a fireplace.  Hubby, using the gift of modern technology, pulled a crackling fireplace up on the TV.

And I pulled out THIS:

And the most amazing snow weekend EVER…began!

I have kids that love to read and kids that do NOT love to read.  But we have bonded over this book.  We have bonded over the characters and the struggle.  It has been refreshing to hear questions about a time period that seems so foreign to us.  We've researched 1800's prairie style houses.  We've talked about one room school houses.  At breakfast on Monday, the kids begged me to start reading again. One of the boys commented that he couldn't wait to find out what happened when the Ingalls family moved into town for the Winter.  One of the boys asked if we could make food like they did in the story.  So, we pulled out this:

And we worked together:

To make this:

Which turned into this:

And something fantastic happened.  We decided that if we could make our own bread…(never mind the fourteen loaves we bought in anticipation of snowpocolypse)  we could do ANYTHING!  Even make our own fresh blackberry jam!

The kids were more proud of this snack than anything they've ever eaten before.

The kids even started calling us "Ma" and "Pa".
*Note that 24 hours later, Pa still has an amazing fire going!!!
And Monday night, we settled in to hear more of the Ingalls adventures.

We are incredibly stoked about having yet another day off of school Tuesday.  We still have much to learn about our Pioneer family.  And we have decided to bake Apple Pie from scratch.  If my kids don't show up to school on Wednesday…you'll know we didn't quite have time to finish our book.  :)

Here's the thing.  I could have moaned about being snowbound with five kids.  I could have begrudgingly forged ahead through three days of fighting and chaos. (Don't be deceived…we've had plenty of fighting and chaos as well here).  But, with a little creativity…we've turned our little suburban house into a shanty on the plains in the middle of Winter.  In an age where iPhones, iPods, and iPads rule, we have to fight for these moments.  In twenty years, my children will never remember what Netflix show they watched while they waited for the bread to rise, and rise, and rise, and…
But they will remember that we sat together and read a book.  They will remember building their own frontier home out of blankets and chairs.  They will remember the soft bread and sweet blackberry jam. And they will remember that we WANTED to spend time with them.  I know that I will put these memories in my heart for safe-keeping.  I will hold onto them and pull them out when my children are grown and out of my home.  And I will probably cry when I think about the small arms of my seven year old wrapping around my waist while I buttered bread to say, "Thanks for reading this book to us, mom! I'm really enjoying it!"

Be intentional with your children, friends!  It really does matter!!!