Sticky kitchen chairs, food on my kitchen curtains, dirty windows, missing drywall, kids' sheets that SERIOUSLY need changed, cobwebs on my ceiling, old appliances, large box TVs, a dirty microwave, six baskets of laundry to fold and I never iron Hubby's clothes.
I also have: A pretty amazing husband, four loud funny and energetic boys, our Health, a home, income, food, a sense of humor, a Savior, a daughter in China (hurry up, paperwork), Wonderful family, and FANTASTIC friends.
I am blessed! When I look at my life, I can see God's love poured into it. I heard a challenge today from our Pastor. God blesses us so we can bless others. It isn't to consume more stuff for ourselves. We need to dream big. Wanna know how to know if your dream with God is big enough? (These words went deep!) If you would fall on your face in failure if God didn't show up, you know you're dreaming big. God has to be part of it. It has to be aligned with his Will. I'm excited! This dream of adoption is so big that even the Hague training couldn't happen without God's provision. We've stepped out in faith and basically, He HAS TO SHOW UP! This stuff encourages me! Please tell me what your dream is! I'll pray for it! I'll write it in my book and pray over it during my quiet time. I love to see how God is showing up in many different ways. I'm serious...you lurkers out there...I know you're there! Tell me your big God dream. :) Let's encourage each other.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
God Wins!
Friday was an exciting day on our calendar. It had been set aside for our Hague training for the adoption. This was the ten hours of required training for our International Adoption. We had already paid for the training and we were feeling pretty excited because it is only offered once a quarter. We were really looking forward to knocking it off our checklist. Things have fallen into place beautifully...albeit not without my share of stress and worry. Our doctor came through for us and filled out our remaining paperwork for the Homestudy. As of Thursday, Jan. 27, our Homestudy paperwork was complete. All that paper chasing came to an end and we are left with two visits and our social worker will write up our 12-15 page Homestudy. These are very exciting days. It finally feels like things are moving along. As soon as our Homestudy is complete, we can file with U.S. Immigration. Yay!! One step closer.
So, the plan (my plan) was in place for Friday. My parents came in on Thursday night to spend the night. They were going to get our three older kids off to school and take D-Dog with them to the city for an appointment for my dad, and some fun eating out, etc... But...........at 2am, my mom woke up super sick at her stomach. She was completely out of commission. Our nine year old came into our room three times complaining about his throat. He developed a fever in the night. So, my plan came unraveled. Hubby and I were going on three hours of sleep, we had to leave for our ten hour training at 6am. My mom was sick, Noodle was sick, my dad had an appointment and someone had to watch D-Dog. I cried out to God. I know this adoption is His dream. And I knew how important it was for us to make the meeting. But, at 5am, I was seriously questioning how He was going to make this happen. But, I remembered something He taught me about his pursuit of me. It has become my mantra for this process. When I think of His sacrifice for me, I can almost hear him say, "YOU (jillian) were worth fighting for!" So, whenever I hit a wall, I remember that this small child sitting in an orphanage in China is worth fighting for!. My prayer on Friday morning was simply that God would show up and work out an impossible situation. In the end, my mom stayed in bed, Noodle stayed on the couch, my dad made it to his appointment, D-Dog got to spend the day with my amazing friends, Kara and Denise (my friendships are God's amazing gift to me). Z and B got to school, and Hubby and I were able to attend the training. I had to let go of control. I couldn't make that situation work out. God had to provide me with the amazing women in my life that would step up without question and take my child for the day.
My mom is better. My dad got great news at his appointment. Noodle now has antibiotics for a severe case of Strep. My dad filled my kids up on McDonald's food. :) Hubby and I are even closer to bringing our little girl home. And I got to see love in action through two godly women. And the best part is: I got to see how God works in even impossible situations. I'm thankful He built my faith enough to trust Him. My resolve is even stronger now than ever before. Hubby commented as we were driving out of town for our meeting that it felt like a serious Spiritual attack that morning. I agreed with him. I had that thought too. But, we already know how the story goes. God wins...Love wins...
So, the plan (my plan) was in place for Friday. My parents came in on Thursday night to spend the night. They were going to get our three older kids off to school and take D-Dog with them to the city for an appointment for my dad, and some fun eating out, etc... But...........at 2am, my mom woke up super sick at her stomach. She was completely out of commission. Our nine year old came into our room three times complaining about his throat. He developed a fever in the night. So, my plan came unraveled. Hubby and I were going on three hours of sleep, we had to leave for our ten hour training at 6am. My mom was sick, Noodle was sick, my dad had an appointment and someone had to watch D-Dog. I cried out to God. I know this adoption is His dream. And I knew how important it was for us to make the meeting. But, at 5am, I was seriously questioning how He was going to make this happen. But, I remembered something He taught me about his pursuit of me. It has become my mantra for this process. When I think of His sacrifice for me, I can almost hear him say, "YOU (jillian) were worth fighting for!" So, whenever I hit a wall, I remember that this small child sitting in an orphanage in China is worth fighting for!. My prayer on Friday morning was simply that God would show up and work out an impossible situation. In the end, my mom stayed in bed, Noodle stayed on the couch, my dad made it to his appointment, D-Dog got to spend the day with my amazing friends, Kara and Denise (my friendships are God's amazing gift to me). Z and B got to school, and Hubby and I were able to attend the training. I had to let go of control. I couldn't make that situation work out. God had to provide me with the amazing women in my life that would step up without question and take my child for the day.
My mom is better. My dad got great news at his appointment. Noodle now has antibiotics for a severe case of Strep. My dad filled my kids up on McDonald's food. :) Hubby and I are even closer to bringing our little girl home. And I got to see love in action through two godly women. And the best part is: I got to see how God works in even impossible situations. I'm thankful He built my faith enough to trust Him. My resolve is even stronger now than ever before. Hubby commented as we were driving out of town for our meeting that it felt like a serious Spiritual attack that morning. I agreed with him. I had that thought too. But, we already know how the story goes. God wins...Love wins...
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
This is what a rebellious heart looks like.
I can be real on here, right? I mean. Hopefully, when you read the lovely faith-filled posts, you are encouraged and you see some of yourself in there. And hopefully, when you see some of the doubt-filled posts, you see some of yourself and continue on the journey toward Christ-likeness with me.
Well, yesterday I went on a selfish voyage. And I saw something in myself that is ugly. And I knew it was there. You see, I know I've said it before. But, I am a very passionate creature. I get behind things because, quite frankly, I am easily moved to emotion. What I lack, is the resolve to stick with something even when it gets difficult. Thankfully, through all of the important things in my life, God is the glue that holds me to my convictions. I'm quite certain that without him in my life, my marriage would have crumbled, my parenting would be a huge failure, and I'd never keep a friend. I want God to grow my faith during the tough places in life. I just don't want it to hurt so much. And I definitely don't want to have to look at myself after a temper tantrum and shake my head in embarrassment.
Funny story about my childhood. My brother is awesome. He has always been able to read me like a book. When I was a teenager and I would get mad at my parents, my big "go-to" move was to rebel through music. Usually, I had the Amy Grant tapes going in my room. Or I was busy singing a little Sandi Patti. I know...seriously! But, when I was angry, I had one tape by Eazy E...Boyz in the hood!! oh yeah! I cranked it. So, whenever my brother heard Easy E pumping through the floor, he would pop his head into my room and say..."what's the rebellion about this time?" Fortunately, I have also had a very healthy and sometimes not-so-healthy fear of EVERYTHING! So, when I would rebel, it would always be something that couldn't really hurt my body. But, I don't know if I escaped harm for my Spirit.
I'm so grateful for the free and precious gift of Jesus. He has sealed me and protected me from the enemy. I totally believe that. But, I wonder what he must think each time I shake my fist at him and his plan. Does he really feel the pain of the nails and the crown of thorns that he endured, each time I sin? Because, let's be honest...rebellion IS sin!
So, back to my rebellious heart. Yesterday was a ROUGH day. Hubby and I were not communicating well. We hit a small snag with the adoption stuff that brought to light some deeper issues. And to be honest. I started to question everything. Why am I adopting? I'm certainly not doing this out of selfishness. Maybe I should be selfish. Selfish people look so happy...or at least their hair and nails always look good. And their clothes match. And they take great vacations. Ok...so some serious stereotyping. But, I started thinking of all the things I could do with the time and money that we are investing in this "dream." I thought of about a hundred things I could do to vent out my frustrations, from shopping to a haircut. But, how selfish can you be, dragging along a four-year-old unwilling participant in your rant. Man, where is that old Eazy E tape when you need it? All joking aside. I could actually feel myself throwing the towel in at God. Wow...is my faith that shallow? One test and I'm done? All I know is this: I need the overpowering Grace of God in my life or I'm a mess. In the end...I took a deep breath. Asked God to forgive me for my awful temper tantrum. Had a great talk with my husband, got a little counsel from some good friends, and went to visit a friend in need... to hopefully pour myself into her and quit thinking about me. The day ended well. But, just like a scar remains after an injury to remind you of the pain. I am left contemplating my reaction and my rebellion. Will I ever get it right? No, it wasn't an epic fail. But, I lost focus and turned my gaze from God and the fact that this is HIS dream. So, today I draw closer. Today, I humbly accept His grace and His unfailing love. And today, my heart sings the words from my favorite hymn of all time.
"Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing"
O to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above
Well, yesterday I went on a selfish voyage. And I saw something in myself that is ugly. And I knew it was there. You see, I know I've said it before. But, I am a very passionate creature. I get behind things because, quite frankly, I am easily moved to emotion. What I lack, is the resolve to stick with something even when it gets difficult. Thankfully, through all of the important things in my life, God is the glue that holds me to my convictions. I'm quite certain that without him in my life, my marriage would have crumbled, my parenting would be a huge failure, and I'd never keep a friend. I want God to grow my faith during the tough places in life. I just don't want it to hurt so much. And I definitely don't want to have to look at myself after a temper tantrum and shake my head in embarrassment.
Funny story about my childhood. My brother is awesome. He has always been able to read me like a book. When I was a teenager and I would get mad at my parents, my big "go-to" move was to rebel through music. Usually, I had the Amy Grant tapes going in my room. Or I was busy singing a little Sandi Patti. I know...seriously! But, when I was angry, I had one tape by Eazy E...Boyz in the hood!! oh yeah! I cranked it. So, whenever my brother heard Easy E pumping through the floor, he would pop his head into my room and say..."what's the rebellion about this time?" Fortunately, I have also had a very healthy and sometimes not-so-healthy fear of EVERYTHING! So, when I would rebel, it would always be something that couldn't really hurt my body. But, I don't know if I escaped harm for my Spirit.
I'm so grateful for the free and precious gift of Jesus. He has sealed me and protected me from the enemy. I totally believe that. But, I wonder what he must think each time I shake my fist at him and his plan. Does he really feel the pain of the nails and the crown of thorns that he endured, each time I sin? Because, let's be honest...rebellion IS sin!
So, back to my rebellious heart. Yesterday was a ROUGH day. Hubby and I were not communicating well. We hit a small snag with the adoption stuff that brought to light some deeper issues. And to be honest. I started to question everything. Why am I adopting? I'm certainly not doing this out of selfishness. Maybe I should be selfish. Selfish people look so happy...or at least their hair and nails always look good. And their clothes match. And they take great vacations. Ok...so some serious stereotyping. But, I started thinking of all the things I could do with the time and money that we are investing in this "dream." I thought of about a hundred things I could do to vent out my frustrations, from shopping to a haircut. But, how selfish can you be, dragging along a four-year-old unwilling participant in your rant. Man, where is that old Eazy E tape when you need it? All joking aside. I could actually feel myself throwing the towel in at God. Wow...is my faith that shallow? One test and I'm done? All I know is this: I need the overpowering Grace of God in my life or I'm a mess. In the end...I took a deep breath. Asked God to forgive me for my awful temper tantrum. Had a great talk with my husband, got a little counsel from some good friends, and went to visit a friend in need... to hopefully pour myself into her and quit thinking about me. The day ended well. But, just like a scar remains after an injury to remind you of the pain. I am left contemplating my reaction and my rebellion. Will I ever get it right? No, it wasn't an epic fail. But, I lost focus and turned my gaze from God and the fact that this is HIS dream. So, today I draw closer. Today, I humbly accept His grace and His unfailing love. And today, my heart sings the words from my favorite hymn of all time.
"Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing"
O to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above
Friday, January 21, 2011
Hubby and Botox????
Yesterday I got to find out what a wonderful man my husband really is. The last item we had to check off our list was a physical and bloodwork for the Hubster and I. About three seconds after we moved here, I established the boys with a pediatrician (that we LOVE). And I got myself a doctor for my yearly check-ups. But, Hubby and I would just run to urgent care if we got sick. Since we needed to have a pretty thorough exam for the adoption, I called and made an appointment with an MD near our home. Yesterday was our appointment. Imagine my husband's surprise when we arrive to find out that she IS indeed a family practice doc, but a large part of her practice is a hot sexy anti-aging clinic. Oh my! We were sitting in the exam room together waiting for her and Hubby's eyes were getting bigger by the moment. Imagine the most chic office you've ever been in with tons of pamphlets about BOTOX, chemical peels, make-up offers etc... Hubby kept looking at me with a look of betrayal. "I feel like I'm here to get breast implants." he said. Our doctor was wonderful. She was super cute and dressed like a ski bunny. But, she did a great job. She was very professional, and most importantly, she stuck with us through all of the adoption paperwork. I'm not so sure most doctors would have been that amazing. Needless to say. I loved her! I'm going to keep her. But, Hubby....well, he might just keep looking. :) We had a pretty good laugh. And while we were sitting at the hospital waiting for our bloodwork, I commented that it was pretty funny that our dates have been reduced to hanging out in waiting rooms for adoption stuff. He just smiled. To let you know how insanely amazing he really is, he woke up not feeling very well. So, by the time we got home from being poked and prodded, he took his temp and it was 103. So, while I drug him through every opportunity to get in touch with his feminine side, in the end...he was about as manly as they come. See, I thought this adoption was about bringing home our child from China. I had no idea it was going to be about falling in love with my husband all over again! And no! Hubby and I aren't getting Botox. Sorry peeps. You'll have to live with our wrinkles. :)
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Winter
"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens" (Ecclesiastes 3:1)
From where I sit, everything is deep in its Winter slumber. The grass is brown, the trees are empty, the sky is gray, and my neighbor and I have talked regularly, but haven't seen each other since November. :) My car is covered in a layer of salt, my furnace is pumping, and I have no desire to walk my dog. I can feel myself falling into sloth territory quickly! And I know I'm not the only one. I've been amazed at how many people are keeping count of how many days until Spring. I am right there with them. I despise Winter. Aside from the Hong Kong days, I've always lived in an area with four seasons. And January, despite what the calendar shows, really lasts for 100 days. It is the month that NEVER ends. There is a reason that people leave this depressed area and head South during this time. Everyone needs a taste of sunshine...of warmth. I remember when I was growing up, thinking, "Why in the world does anyone live here?" " Why would anyone choose this?" If I had my way, I'd live in a tropical climate! But while I have not grown to love this area, I have grown to appreciate it and the perspective it offers. When I lived in Hong Kong, I missed the seasons desperately. It felt weird to go from HOT to cool, and back to HOT. Think about the anticipation that comes during the long Winter months. We want Spring so badly, that many of us that would have frozen in a pair of shorts in the Fall, will pull out our shorts and flip flops way sooner than we should. We long for the sun to warm our face and the gentle warm breeze to blow through our windows. In the Spring, everything comes bursting to life. It is all made new again. We all come out of hibernation, we try to lose the extra weight we put on eating cookies and drinking hot chocolate. But, would Spring really be as magical if we didn't have to endure Winter? Would we take it for granted if we had it all the time? I feel like my spiritual life goes through seasons too. When I am in the Winter of my walk with Christ, I am living with anticipation of what He will do in the Spring. But, the Winter is not wasted time. It is necessary. It is part of the cycle of my faith. It is the resting period that comes before great growth. It may not follow the calendar, but it is very real. Before I am able to go out and accomplish great things for God, I have to have that time of rest...of waiting...of anticipation. We are a culture of immediate gratification. We want what we want, when we want it. Being forced to wait for something is difficult, but so important. Because when we wait for it, it is so much sweeter. That message works for someone waiting for a physical connection with a boyfriend/girlfriend, waiting for a new job, health to improve, and while waiting for an adoption. See, we may not like Winter, but we need it. Otherwise, we would never slow down enough to truly listen. What are you learning through the Winter of your faith walk? What passion is God growing in you that you hope to see come to life in the Spring? Faith is required, my friend! All the people around me that are counting down the days til Spring actually have Faith that Spring will arrive. Do you have Faith that God will complete the work He is starting in you? I do! That is what keeps me going to appointments, and filling out paperwork. Because I know that what God has started in us, will be for His glory. So, hang onto Faith. Grab a warm blanket, and I'll provide the cookies. Soon the snow will melt, the sky will clear, the sun will shine, and Spring will return. Until then, let's curl up on the Father's lap and let Him prepare us for the work that lies ahead! :) And don't tell Hubby, but I cranked the thermostat up to 72 today! :)
and a season for every activity under the heavens" (Ecclesiastes 3:1)
From where I sit, everything is deep in its Winter slumber. The grass is brown, the trees are empty, the sky is gray, and my neighbor and I have talked regularly, but haven't seen each other since November. :) My car is covered in a layer of salt, my furnace is pumping, and I have no desire to walk my dog. I can feel myself falling into sloth territory quickly! And I know I'm not the only one. I've been amazed at how many people are keeping count of how many days until Spring. I am right there with them. I despise Winter. Aside from the Hong Kong days, I've always lived in an area with four seasons. And January, despite what the calendar shows, really lasts for 100 days. It is the month that NEVER ends. There is a reason that people leave this depressed area and head South during this time. Everyone needs a taste of sunshine...of warmth. I remember when I was growing up, thinking, "Why in the world does anyone live here?" " Why would anyone choose this?" If I had my way, I'd live in a tropical climate! But while I have not grown to love this area, I have grown to appreciate it and the perspective it offers. When I lived in Hong Kong, I missed the seasons desperately. It felt weird to go from HOT to cool, and back to HOT. Think about the anticipation that comes during the long Winter months. We want Spring so badly, that many of us that would have frozen in a pair of shorts in the Fall, will pull out our shorts and flip flops way sooner than we should. We long for the sun to warm our face and the gentle warm breeze to blow through our windows. In the Spring, everything comes bursting to life. It is all made new again. We all come out of hibernation, we try to lose the extra weight we put on eating cookies and drinking hot chocolate. But, would Spring really be as magical if we didn't have to endure Winter? Would we take it for granted if we had it all the time? I feel like my spiritual life goes through seasons too. When I am in the Winter of my walk with Christ, I am living with anticipation of what He will do in the Spring. But, the Winter is not wasted time. It is necessary. It is part of the cycle of my faith. It is the resting period that comes before great growth. It may not follow the calendar, but it is very real. Before I am able to go out and accomplish great things for God, I have to have that time of rest...of waiting...of anticipation. We are a culture of immediate gratification. We want what we want, when we want it. Being forced to wait for something is difficult, but so important. Because when we wait for it, it is so much sweeter. That message works for someone waiting for a physical connection with a boyfriend/girlfriend, waiting for a new job, health to improve, and while waiting for an adoption. See, we may not like Winter, but we need it. Otherwise, we would never slow down enough to truly listen. What are you learning through the Winter of your faith walk? What passion is God growing in you that you hope to see come to life in the Spring? Faith is required, my friend! All the people around me that are counting down the days til Spring actually have Faith that Spring will arrive. Do you have Faith that God will complete the work He is starting in you? I do! That is what keeps me going to appointments, and filling out paperwork. Because I know that what God has started in us, will be for His glory. So, hang onto Faith. Grab a warm blanket, and I'll provide the cookies. Soon the snow will melt, the sky will clear, the sun will shine, and Spring will return. Until then, let's curl up on the Father's lap and let Him prepare us for the work that lies ahead! :) And don't tell Hubby, but I cranked the thermostat up to 72 today! :)
Friday, January 14, 2011
We are Family...Come on everybody and sing...
"Mr. W, Why did you want children?" This was the question asked of my husband today from a student conducting a questionnaire. It actually stunned him for just a moment. I don't know that he knew how to respond and I can't exactly blame him. I don't think I could have come up with much of an answer for that question. Why do we want children? Things like passing on our DNA or having someone to take care of us in old age sound kind of silly. How do you describe to a bored teenager the desperate longing that God put in your heart to hold something so tiny and so fragile. How do you convey the fact that having children changes you in ways you never could have imagined. How can an afternoon snuggle on the couch while watching Diego compare to going to a party and spending two hours getting ready? To be honest...I pondered on that question after my husband shared it. But then, like a brilliant light being flipped on in the darkness, it became so clear.
I should probably preface my ah-ha moment with a little backstory, though. For the adoption, we are required to submit updated physicals including tb tests for our kids. I made the appointment a couple of weeks ago and we were scheduled for this morning. Right before we left, B threw up. So, I did what any good mom of four kids with an appointment would do...I grabbed a bucket and we were on our way. Poor B was a hot mess through the appointment. But, the doc did get a good look at him and ruled out everything but a yucky stomach virus. We were in a small 8x8 room with an exam table, sink, 2 chairs, and a cabinet. In one corner, was the puker..barely able to sit up straight and vomiting at a rate of once per 45 minutes. In the other corner, my super hyper four-year old, my germ-a-phobe child, and my zoned out on video games child. The exams took about 2 hours. Included, for even more fun and excitement than we paid for, were updated vaccinations. So, after being stuck in a small room trying to manage four kids and not look like an idiot in front of the doctor that is filling out paperwork for my adoption.............I now had two kids crying and one hyperventilating over the upcoming shots. Before you think I'm a terrible mom...the sick kid got out of all vaccinations. We finally made it back to school for the older two and back to the couch for the sick one and now it is evening and I have another child clutching a bucket...out of anxiety or illness...not sure yet. But, since my husband is working tonight, I have had the wonderful pleasure of being with the kids. What I saw warmed my heart and gave me the answer I was looking for earlier. I watched my four-year old serve my six year old. He tried to beat me to the kitchen to get gatorade and crackers for B. He covered him up with the blanket when B got cold and was an all around sweet little servant. The older boys tried to help out at bedtime and I realized that I may not have an exact answer to why I wanted to have kids. They have changed me in so many ways that I barely remember the girl I was before having them. But I could bore you for hours about how much i want them...how much I love them...how much they teach me. They've taught me that even when I feel like I'm at the bottom of the well, there is still more there to give. They've taught me that my choices really do matter. They've taught me that in the lowest moments of the day when the weight of life is pressing in...nothing beats family. We take care of each other, we love each other unconditionally. Family is a place where you can fart at the dinner table, wear pajamas with rips in them, admit that you got sent to 'refocus' AGAIN at school, and you know you'll be loved the same. Family is the place where you realize that it really ISN'T about YOU! And it is the place that unabashedly celebrates YOU!
So, tonight I'm raising my glass of blue gatorade to family! And to no more vomit!
I should probably preface my ah-ha moment with a little backstory, though. For the adoption, we are required to submit updated physicals including tb tests for our kids. I made the appointment a couple of weeks ago and we were scheduled for this morning. Right before we left, B threw up. So, I did what any good mom of four kids with an appointment would do...I grabbed a bucket and we were on our way. Poor B was a hot mess through the appointment. But, the doc did get a good look at him and ruled out everything but a yucky stomach virus. We were in a small 8x8 room with an exam table, sink, 2 chairs, and a cabinet. In one corner, was the puker..barely able to sit up straight and vomiting at a rate of once per 45 minutes. In the other corner, my super hyper four-year old, my germ-a-phobe child, and my zoned out on video games child. The exams took about 2 hours. Included, for even more fun and excitement than we paid for, were updated vaccinations. So, after being stuck in a small room trying to manage four kids and not look like an idiot in front of the doctor that is filling out paperwork for my adoption.............I now had two kids crying and one hyperventilating over the upcoming shots. Before you think I'm a terrible mom...the sick kid got out of all vaccinations. We finally made it back to school for the older two and back to the couch for the sick one and now it is evening and I have another child clutching a bucket...out of anxiety or illness...not sure yet. But, since my husband is working tonight, I have had the wonderful pleasure of being with the kids. What I saw warmed my heart and gave me the answer I was looking for earlier. I watched my four-year old serve my six year old. He tried to beat me to the kitchen to get gatorade and crackers for B. He covered him up with the blanket when B got cold and was an all around sweet little servant. The older boys tried to help out at bedtime and I realized that I may not have an exact answer to why I wanted to have kids. They have changed me in so many ways that I barely remember the girl I was before having them. But I could bore you for hours about how much i want them...how much I love them...how much they teach me. They've taught me that even when I feel like I'm at the bottom of the well, there is still more there to give. They've taught me that my choices really do matter. They've taught me that in the lowest moments of the day when the weight of life is pressing in...nothing beats family. We take care of each other, we love each other unconditionally. Family is a place where you can fart at the dinner table, wear pajamas with rips in them, admit that you got sent to 'refocus' AGAIN at school, and you know you'll be loved the same. Family is the place where you realize that it really ISN'T about YOU! And it is the place that unabashedly celebrates YOU!
So, tonight I'm raising my glass of blue gatorade to family! And to no more vomit!
Friday, January 7, 2011
Unbelief
Mark 9:23-24
“‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.”
Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”
No one wants to admit that they have belief issues...especially someone that has known the "truth" forever and has seen God move on more than one occasion. The first time I became really aware of God's power was when I was in college. I had been drifting along happily having one foot in the world, and a toe in Christianity. In a seeming blink of an eye, I had transferred schools, ended a relationship, moved away from my "old" life and fell heart first into my genuine faith in Christ. When I look back on that time, it seems like a blur. Everything seemed to fall into place, make sense, flow. I saw it again when my husband and I moved overseas. Now this one, I remember a little less smoothly (on my part.) You could say that I went overseas excited yet kicking and screaming. And the first six months were a rare mix of exhilaration and sadness. God was showing up in my life in big ways and He was changing me. I wouldn't see it until years later, but He was molding me to be just like Him. Looking back always makes things so clear. If I could always see the end result at the beginning, I'd be the most faithful person out there. Unfortunately, I am a skeptic. And when skepticism and faith collide, it gets tricky. My heart tends to chase after God with such amazing fervor. After all, who doesn't feel the eyes sting when they see an orphan digging through trash for something to eat? Who doesn't feel compelled to help when they hear a story of someone struggling through circumstances? We all do. All of our hearts are tugged by something. So what I feel at the sight of a fatherless baby...with medical issues that are impossible in her Country, but fixable in ours...is easy to understand. What I have come to realize is that while we all feel that compassionate tug, it doesn't immediately illicit a response. Getting involved requires belief that God will show up and the situation will work out for His glory. Here is my confession...see if you can relate. I find it very easy to believe that Christ can do ANYTHING...when things are falling into place. It is almost like life is wrapped in a golden frame. This is the right choice. But, when things seem more complicated...or gasp...you begin an adoption on pure faith because you have no idea how you'll pay for it...well...you see where I'm going. Belief becomes more of a slippery concept to hold. I do believe that God calls us in His word to care for orphans. I do believe that He put it on our hearts to bring a fatherless child into our family. I do believe that He will provide the resources for an adoption. But, I need supernatural help to hang onto that belief when I can't see the outcome yet. The scripture at the beginning of the post comes from a story in the New Testament about a boy that was possessed by evil spirits. His father had grown very weary of this situation and he presented the boy to Christ with the plea, "if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us." This was the reason for Christ's response at the top. "If you can? Anything is possible for one who believes." I don't want to forget the outstanding ways God has moved in my life. I want to trust Him to see this process through. When I'm looking at $50 here and $500 there and $10,000 over there (yes, you read that right) I don't want to limit God to what I see in my bank account. I don't want my response to His call to be, "If you can.." But rather, "I know you can."
Father, I believe! Please help me overcome my unbelief.
“‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.”
Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”
No one wants to admit that they have belief issues...especially someone that has known the "truth" forever and has seen God move on more than one occasion. The first time I became really aware of God's power was when I was in college. I had been drifting along happily having one foot in the world, and a toe in Christianity. In a seeming blink of an eye, I had transferred schools, ended a relationship, moved away from my "old" life and fell heart first into my genuine faith in Christ. When I look back on that time, it seems like a blur. Everything seemed to fall into place, make sense, flow. I saw it again when my husband and I moved overseas. Now this one, I remember a little less smoothly (on my part.) You could say that I went overseas excited yet kicking and screaming. And the first six months were a rare mix of exhilaration and sadness. God was showing up in my life in big ways and He was changing me. I wouldn't see it until years later, but He was molding me to be just like Him. Looking back always makes things so clear. If I could always see the end result at the beginning, I'd be the most faithful person out there. Unfortunately, I am a skeptic. And when skepticism and faith collide, it gets tricky. My heart tends to chase after God with such amazing fervor. After all, who doesn't feel the eyes sting when they see an orphan digging through trash for something to eat? Who doesn't feel compelled to help when they hear a story of someone struggling through circumstances? We all do. All of our hearts are tugged by something. So what I feel at the sight of a fatherless baby...with medical issues that are impossible in her Country, but fixable in ours...is easy to understand. What I have come to realize is that while we all feel that compassionate tug, it doesn't immediately illicit a response. Getting involved requires belief that God will show up and the situation will work out for His glory. Here is my confession...see if you can relate. I find it very easy to believe that Christ can do ANYTHING...when things are falling into place. It is almost like life is wrapped in a golden frame. This is the right choice. But, when things seem more complicated...or gasp...you begin an adoption on pure faith because you have no idea how you'll pay for it...well...you see where I'm going. Belief becomes more of a slippery concept to hold. I do believe that God calls us in His word to care for orphans. I do believe that He put it on our hearts to bring a fatherless child into our family. I do believe that He will provide the resources for an adoption. But, I need supernatural help to hang onto that belief when I can't see the outcome yet. The scripture at the beginning of the post comes from a story in the New Testament about a boy that was possessed by evil spirits. His father had grown very weary of this situation and he presented the boy to Christ with the plea, "if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us." This was the reason for Christ's response at the top. "If you can? Anything is possible for one who believes." I don't want to forget the outstanding ways God has moved in my life. I want to trust Him to see this process through. When I'm looking at $50 here and $500 there and $10,000 over there (yes, you read that right) I don't want to limit God to what I see in my bank account. I don't want my response to His call to be, "If you can.." But rather, "I know you can."
Father, I believe! Please help me overcome my unbelief.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Paperwork and Pregnancy
Wow! There is a lot of paperwork with adoption. I don't know if I've ever thought this much about the state of our affairs. :) We have almost completed the large packet of information required by the State to adopt. The next move will be immigration, while we're finishing our dossier. Then...and by then, I mean a few months from now...we'll wait for our match. Exciting times, no doubt. This "pregnancy" feels very similar to the other pregnancies I've had. Strangely, I'm gaining weight. But, I'll blame that on the Holidays and my mom's homemade peanut clusters.
I've already started nesting. You can call it preparing for the homestudy, but I call it nesting. All of a sudden, I feel like painting something PINK! I'm in the mood to remodel. :) But, the money is all flowing down the river of adoption...so, no remodeling. I find myself more cognizant of how our family will change. I've been trying especially hard lately to invest in each child even more than before. I want to somehow assure them that while things will change, my love for them will not. Maybe I'm just trying to connect even tighter to them so I can tell if any part of this process is negatively affecting them.
But the biggest change I notice is that my mind is so occupied lately. I can't stop thinking about "her". Who is this little life that will become intertwined with mine? Is she already out there somewhere in an orphanage waiting for us to hurry up and get to her? Obviously, she is not aware of her situation. She has no clue we are coming. She doesn't have the benefit of expecting the hope we want to bring her. But I am aware. I know that she was formed by God and is loved by God. I know that He has a plan for her life and I trust that He will equip me to be her mom. I pray for her everyday. I pray that God will keep her safe and protect her heart. I pray that He will provide someone to love her and show her affection. I pray that as we wade through the swamp of paperwork, that God will be preparing her heart for her new home.
I have complete faith that God will do this. After all, it is something He is very familiar with. He is coming back for us. He offers us hope! We have no way to comprehend what is in store for us when we enter eternity with Him. But, he does. So, he works...everyday...to prepare our hearts for our new home. We have no idea when he will return, just like we have no idea when we'll get to hold our daughter. But, we do know that He is coming. And we want to be ready. Are you hopeful? Or have you been in the "orphanage of life" so long that you've forgotten that there is so much more out there? Let God restore your hope...and remember that no pregnancy lasts forever! Soon, I'll have my daughter home. And soon, we'll be with our Father for eternity. Until then, I'll pass the time with some more peanut clusters and bigger pants. :) Wanna join me?
I've already started nesting. You can call it preparing for the homestudy, but I call it nesting. All of a sudden, I feel like painting something PINK! I'm in the mood to remodel. :) But, the money is all flowing down the river of adoption...so, no remodeling. I find myself more cognizant of how our family will change. I've been trying especially hard lately to invest in each child even more than before. I want to somehow assure them that while things will change, my love for them will not. Maybe I'm just trying to connect even tighter to them so I can tell if any part of this process is negatively affecting them.
But the biggest change I notice is that my mind is so occupied lately. I can't stop thinking about "her". Who is this little life that will become intertwined with mine? Is she already out there somewhere in an orphanage waiting for us to hurry up and get to her? Obviously, she is not aware of her situation. She has no clue we are coming. She doesn't have the benefit of expecting the hope we want to bring her. But I am aware. I know that she was formed by God and is loved by God. I know that He has a plan for her life and I trust that He will equip me to be her mom. I pray for her everyday. I pray that God will keep her safe and protect her heart. I pray that He will provide someone to love her and show her affection. I pray that as we wade through the swamp of paperwork, that God will be preparing her heart for her new home.
I have complete faith that God will do this. After all, it is something He is very familiar with. He is coming back for us. He offers us hope! We have no way to comprehend what is in store for us when we enter eternity with Him. But, he does. So, he works...everyday...to prepare our hearts for our new home. We have no idea when he will return, just like we have no idea when we'll get to hold our daughter. But, we do know that He is coming. And we want to be ready. Are you hopeful? Or have you been in the "orphanage of life" so long that you've forgotten that there is so much more out there? Let God restore your hope...and remember that no pregnancy lasts forever! Soon, I'll have my daughter home. And soon, we'll be with our Father for eternity. Until then, I'll pass the time with some more peanut clusters and bigger pants. :) Wanna join me?
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