Year of the Dragon

Kung Hei Fat Choi!! (Happy Chinese New Year!)  It is officially the year of the dragon.  Will this be the year that we finally get to bring our daughter home?  I sure hope so!  The other day, in the mail, we received our fingerprint appointment date from US immigration.  It is just one small step closer to her.
We had the wonderful opportunity to spend Sunday night celebrating with Hubby's mom and dad, and two other families that are also adopting from China.  We had traditional Chinese dumplings as well as other yummy dishes.  We had some great conversation and laughs.  After everyone left, I was putting the kids to bed.  Storms were rolling through and the thunder banging around had the kids more than nervous.  So, they begged to put all of the mattresses in one room (the one closest to me).  After they were settled in and we were going through our bedtime ritual, we bowed our heads to pray.  We thanked God for the blessings in our lives and for the fun we had with friends.  But, we also paused to remember the three small children waiting in orphanages across China.  They have no idea that there were three families sitting together and dreaming of them that night.  But, God knows.  He tugged on all of our hearts to bring us to the place where we would take this leap and be blessed enough to be part of His story of redemption.
Even though my two friends look beautiful and I look like I was deep fried, I'm including this picture of us.  I made Hubby take this photo because I can't wait to put it next to the one we'll have next Chinese New Year.  Next year, I'm hoping that we have three new little people in the picture with us.  They will be three of the most amazing stories of God's love and our pursuit to follow after Him.

Bitterness

What makes me bitter?

Winter!  Does anyone like this season?

Seeing a tube of make-up that would make my face look like a supermodel, but knowing I'd have to quit feeding the kids if I started using it.

Ummmm, size 0 jeans!  

People that can wear size 0 jeans! :)

People that spend money on crap like flat screens, new cars, iPads,  etc... and claim they have no money.

Adoption obstacles.

Anyone that doesn't have adoption obstacles.

Feeling taken advantage of.

How every time I look at my body, I can pick out 148 flaws in four seconds.

The clock.  I am now consistently late everywhere.  And it isn't because I want to make an entrance.  I just can't get myself organized enough to leave on time.

My hair.  Mostly because i'm having a bad hair day.  But, also because I am now acutely aware of the beautiful long thick hair everywhere around me.

Sweat!  There is no deodorant that will work for me.

Crappy self esteem.  I have no confidence in most of what I do.  If you compliment me on something, I'll be thinking...there are 15 people that could do it better.

Do you know what is so sad about my list?  It was written by my very poor view of myself.  I could spend hours telling YOU why YOU are a beautiful and perfect creation...made for a purpose.  But, if you say it to me, I'll immediately dismiss it.  Why is that?  Does anyone else do that?

Ask me what makes me want to fight?  It isn't any of those things.  Or else, I'd go on a diet, get organized, and grow my hair out.

What makes me fight are the real injustices in the world.  People that hurt kids are at the top of that list.  So, how can there be such a disconnect in me?  How can I hold on to bitterness and move forward toward the purposes of Christ.  

I'm super disappointed in myself.  I know that part of the reason I'm feeling a disconnect from God right now is because of my bitterness.  I feel like a teenager getting ready to run out the door for school in a short skirt and a tube top. (haha...no, not really!)  My dad would have said, "Are you kidding me?  Go look in the mirror and then change your clothes.  You can't go out like that!"  

Why?  Because, I'd be distracting.  I'd be sending the WRONG message.  And, I'd be putting myself at risk (of ridicule!)

Lately, I feel like I've been trying to run out the door toward God's opportunities and I've been dressed in bitterness.  I can almost hear Him say, "Young lady...go look in the mirror and then change your clothes.  You can't go out like that!"

Why?  Because I'd be distracting.  I'd be sending the WRONG message.  And, I'd be putting myself at risk (of being led astray!)

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."  Ephesians 4:31-32

This is what the Bible tells me.  Get rid of the bitterness.  My heart needs to be filled with love...and only love.  This is what I aspire to.  This is the heart that I am asking Christ to give me.  

Father, I am asking you to shatter the bitterness within me.  I am asking you to rebuild my heart with the pieces of you that will show only compassion for others.  I am so humbled when I see how far I have to go to be like you.  But, I am filled with hope when I see the way you've moved in the hearts of people around me.  You change lives.  You change hearts.  And you keep us moving on the path you've prepared us for.  Please show me in a loving way that you have created me with a purpose.  That the ideals I hold in my mind for what I should look like...or how my life should go, would be transformed.  Please help me to see myself the way that you see me and help me never to forget that without you, I am nothing!

Please forgive me for the bitterness I've held onto.  Please blanket me with your peace!  And please give me the strength and desire to run after the things that matter to you and encourage others as they do the same...never comparing our journeys...but holding them up in prayer to you!

All my heart, 

your daughter,

jill

Reality Check

Happy Friday, friends!  Good news on the adoption front.  Our immigration packet was received by homeland security and we have our receipt.  Now we are just waiting for our fingerprint date.  Meanwhile, I'll be putting together the documents that make up the dossier.  It is actually starting to feel real again.  I'm thinking about daughters and pink again.  It has been a while since I have allowed myself to go there.  I've been a bit protective of my heart lately.
We've clamped down even tighter on our finances.  It seems crazy.  Because we were already quite frugal. But, I've handed my credit card over to hubby and made a commitment not to charge anything.  We always pay our card off at the end of the month...but you know the psychology behind a credit card.  Things fall into the cart a little easier when you aren't thinking about the dollar amount you actually have in the bank.  So, in an effort to put more of our income into the adoption, I'm credit card free.  Scary!  But good!  I don't believe God wants us in debt for this adoption.  I know He will provide the crazy amount of funds to bring this child to family.  But, we are praying about what our part in that is.  We can't be irresponsible and expect God to provide the money.
We're tossing around the idea of a trivia night as a fundraiser, though.  What do you guys think?  Would any of you attend?  I think it would be a fun way to raise money for the adoption but also have fun with friends.
How are the bio kids?
They are great. It has been busy around here with all of the activities.  It feels like we've been on the road a lot lately.  But, we had the chance to enjoy Martin Luther King Jr day off as a family.  It helped that it was 65 that day and we could spend most of it outside.  It did not help our sleep, however, when the weather radio kept going off and we spent some quality time in the basement that night.  But, we were blessed by the prayers of our wonderful friends.  I don't think you will ever know how much it means to me after a rough night with the kids and the weather to see encouraging messages on my Facebook wall.  I feel compelled to tell you that in the height of the storm that night, we found ourselves in the basement sitting in a circle just looking at each other.  No one was talking.  We were listening to the hail bang against the house and reliving our own memories of that fateful night.  This is how I know prayers are real and they work.  Just as I felt the stress was going to push me into a full blown panic attack, Z ripped the BIGGEST fart ever!  It was so loud.  We all looked at him and burst into complete belly laughs.  D-Dog was next with his contribution.  And so it happened...that the night of the storm became the farting contest of the ages.  What a great distraction.  And I am once again reminded why I love boys so much....especially my boys.
For me, those few moments of pure stink brought me back to reality.  It brought me to the present.  We are all here.  We are all alive.  We are all so blessed!
Reality checks are super important to me right now.  When I worry that we are doing something completely insane by adopting, I go to scripture for a reality check.  Jesus says in scripture that anyone who offers even a cup of water to the least of these is doing it for Him and will not lose his reward.       (Matthew 10:42)
When I worry about the financial impact of the adoption, I have to remember that God has full storehouses.  He will bless this effort.
What is going on in your life that requires you to have a reality check?  I promise that you will find the answer you need if you look toward scriptures in the Bible.  God promises to give us wisdom if we ask for it. (James 1:5)
Have a wonderful weekend!

Boss of your life...

Last night was one of the most exciting nights I've had in a long time.
D-Dog prayed and asked Christ into his heart.  He is the last of our kiddos to do this.  We never believe in pushing them at all.  We teach them about God and wait.  Because we know that we aren't the ones to change hearts...God does that.
Last night, I was washing dishes and D-Dog came up to me out of the blue and was holding his Children's Bible.  He just stood next to me and said nothing.  I asked him if he wanted me to read it to him.  He said, "yes...and let's snuggle."
So, I finished the last dish and we went to the couch to read.  I asked him if there was a particular story he really wanted to hear.  He said that he would choose the story.  He flipped through the book for a while and settled on the story of the crucifixion.  So, I read it to him.  He had so  many questions.  He's been asking for a while.  At the end of every conversation, I always tell him that when he's ready to pray and ask Jesus to be the boss of his life, that daddy and I will pray with him.  In the past, he's always hopped up and skipped off.  This time was different.  He said, "I want to pray that now."  So, Hubby and I talked with him some more to make sure he understood what it meant to give your life to Christ.  D-Dog was firm.  He wanted to pray.  So, daddy led him in a sweet and simple prayer and D-Dog joined an amazing family of believers.  I know that years of growing and learning will follow.  D-Dog will grow in his understanding and faith.  I don't believe in "fire insurance"  So, I'm not just feeling "relived" that he'll be in heaven.  I'm just so grateful that God moved in his heart and gave him the desire to know Christ more.  It was an exciting night.  But, the days to follow will be even more amazing.  I can't wait to see what great things God is able to accomplish in the life of D.  It was also a very cool experience to hear all of D's brothers congratulate him and say sweet things after his prayer.
Can I say it again???  Of course I can....my blog!
I love my kids!!!!!
Happy Monday, everyone!!!  Are you making God the boss of your life today?  :)

YOU DID WHAT???

I know!  I know!  I haven't even admitted this to my husband yet.  But, my friend called me last night and I confessed to her that I had spent $60 on crap at Walgreens to beautify myself.  Haircolor, hair products, eyeliner, mascara, brow pencil (seriously...what in the heck do I do with a brow pencil?) lip gloss.  YIKES!  I actually added up how much my quest for beauty costs me on a regular basis and I compared it to my husband's quest (haha) for handsome-ness. :)  Since he gets by on a bottle of 2-in-1 shampoo from suave and a bar of Irish Spring...I'm guessing I spend more.
Am I alone in this?  Or are there others out there?  I am so discontent with the way I look.  I'm already wishing my hair would grow 12 inches because I'm tired of super short hair.  So, instead of black, I'm changing it to brown.  (Confession:  I actually contemplated blonde for a minute at Walgreens).  And wait until you see my brows!  Will you even notice that they look fuller?  I'd better google this!  I might end up looking like a Neanderthal.
When I found myself wishing that there was a way to photoshop myself in real life, I started to get slightly concerned.
Where does this come from?
Could it possibly be the 14,000 commercials on gym memberships and weight loss products I've seen since 12:01 January 1st?  Or, is it the way I saw people staring at a beautiful girl at McDonalds and I want to look just like her?  She had a Monroe...you know...the stud pierced above the lip.  From birth, I had the real deal.  I had a mole in the same location.  Guess what.  I had it removed.  There was no way I could know that 30 years down the road, my mole would be in style! :)
Check out this truth from 1 Peter 3: 3-4
³ Whose adorning let it not be the outward adorning of braiding the hair, and of wearing jewels of gold, or of putting on apparel;
⁴ but let it be the hidden man of the heart, in the incorruptible apparel of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
what does this mean?  It means that it doesn't really matter what I do to the outside of my body.  (although, some level of effort is done for the general public)
What matters is what is happening on the inside.  What is my heart like?
So, I can't promise that I'll return all of the junk I bought.  After all, this year has given me some grey!  And I'm pretty darn interested in how a brow pencil will revolutionize my life.
But, before I slather myself with products, I'll spend some time in the word of God.  I'll pray and ask God to make me more like Christ.  I'll give this day over to Him and ask him to help me LOVE!  
'Cause after all...if I look like a beauty queen and have the hair of a Pantene model but have not love...I am nothing!
Happy Wednesday, friends!

Jesus, take the wheel...no, not really! Give it back!

Just going to warn everyone that I'm going off the grid for a couple of days.  I wish I could say that I'm unplugging from technology and running off to Mexico.  But I'm not!  It is a new year and I have much thinking and praying to do.  Right now I feel incredibly burned by adoption.  I am, quite frankly, sick of it! My heart still beats for orphans.  But, my brain is numb from bureaucracy.  The year kicked off with a new resolution.  After the resounding theme of Sunday (both at mom and dad's church and at fusion) being "Give God Control."  Sounds awesome, doesn't it?  I mean, any good Christian should be able to hand the wheel over to God and let him take them wherever...

Maybe this year, God will take me on a great vacation.  Or, how about we go down "It's all about me street!"  How bout this, God...You can drive, but I'll navigate!  YES!  That works perfectly for me.  Because, then...I can say I let you drive, but we don't have to go to unsavory neighborhoods or down the rabbit hole of adoption anymore.  We'll use my own personal GPS. (Girl Pursues Success).

The truth is that I can't really drive myself.  I did that for years.  I ended up on a lot of dead-end streets.  (The analogies are amazing, aren't they?)

I'm a terrible driver.  But, I LOVE control.  Trust and Faith sound easy, but they are so hard to live out.  I made a promise to God yesterday that I would give him control and try very hard not to take it back.  I want to live in radical obedience.  And that means that I'll go where he goes and I'll love who he loves!  2012 will start with an overdue apology.  

Where we go from there...I don't know.

Today we found out that hubby's birth record is a huge deal.  It isn't even just his country of origin issue anymore.  It is a document issue.  The bottom line is that we will spend a lot more money and a lot more time if we continue on this journey.  And, we could work through several avenues and still ultimately be rejected.  I don't know if hubby is ready to throw in the towel, but I am.  I've been on this crazy ride for over a year fighting numerous obstacles and I'm tired.

Is that me taking back the wheel again?  Or am I just asking to get out of the car for a while and regroup?  I don't know.

The truth is this:  Right now, I have so much to pray about.  I don't know what we're supposed to do from here.  I am a lover of great stories.  And this story feels like a failure.  My prayer all along was that God would be glorified in it.  But, how does he gain glory from this?  I'm feeling a bit like we just went over a cliff and my air bag did not deploy.  Hopefully, someday I'll look back at this little blog and see the entire picture.  Maybe at some point, God will show me how this route led us to the place he had planned all along.  But where does that leave me today?

Galatians 2:20

 "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

That's it!  I live by faith.  Even though I do not understand and I cannot see where we're going, I live by faith.  Christ lives in me.  Christ drives my car. :)  For now, I need to just turn up the music, lay back my head and rest.  

May you all have a beautiful and blessed 2012.  May God continue to teach and grow you through the good, bad and ugly!  And may you live by faith in the Son of God who loved you enough to give himself for you.