Painfully Honest

Quote taken from the book I am currently reading:
"I wake to self-hatred.  To the wrestle to get it all done, the relentless anxiety that I am failing.  Always, the failing.  I yell at children, fester with bitterness, forget doctor appointments, lose library books, live selfishly, skip prayer, complain, go to bed too late, neglect cleaning the toilets.  I live tired.  Afraid.  Anxious.  Weary.  Years, I feel it in the veins, the pulsing of ruptured hopes.  Would I ever be enough? But this morning, I wake wildly wanting to live!"

I have a confession!  And it just might rock you a little! :)  I have grown to love the accolades from people.  When someone says I'm great...or that I'm an inspiration, or that I'm AMAZING...I could eat that up like chocolate.  I want to be great.  I want to inspire.  I want to be amazing.  But, I don't think I am that person.

I am flawed.

I worry a lot.  Sometimes I get frustrated because my husband works so much and goes to school so much and never has time for backyard barbecues.  Why don't we have barbecues?  I worry that I'm not a good mom because I don't always remember the chore charts.  And I don't always have a plan for the day.  And when the doctor asks at the yearly check-up if my kids watch less than 2 hours of TV a day, I just shrug and smile sheepishly...

My house is dusty and there is hair all over my bathroom floor.   I am terrible at making a menu and shopping ahead of time.

I am adopting an orphan in a few weeks and I feel bi-polar.  I'm 50% wetting my pants with excitement and 50% pooping my pants with fear!  What if I'm too tired for 5 kids.  What if God gave me all boys because He knew I would fail with a daughter.

Sometimes I doubt my worth because I'm an at-home mom and not working.  I so desperately want to be confident about what I do.  I struggle with jealousy.  I will smile and say CONGRATULATIONS on your good fortune.  But, I will secretly wish the success was mine.

I struggle to read my Bible every day.

I miss my husband.  I haven't spent real time with him in weeks. :(

And yet...........

God sustains my marriage.  He paints an intricate portrait of the depth of the relationship between God and Man.  Jesus and His bride.  I see the struggles and the resolve in my own marriage.  I am the struggle...Jesus is the resolve.  God gives me moments of pure beauty with my children.  He pulls back the curtains and lets me view the relationship He wants with His children.  I see patience.  I see discipline.  I see free-will.  I see forgiveness.  I see imperfection and acceptance.  And like scales being removed from the eyes, the worldy possessions are pushed aside and I see human suffering.  I see children that don't have health care or food to eat.  I see people locked in sin and bad situations.  Compassion compels me to act.  A house that used to shelter six people, will now shelter seven.  Money that could sit in the pockets of friends, will now pay the ransom for an orphan's freedom.  I see goodness all around me.  I see grace.

I will never be perfect.  I will never deserve accolades.  I am flawed.  But the overwhelming distinction is that I am HIS.  He will make beautiful things of my life even though I am filled with self-doubt.  Because I am HIS.  And I understand the truth.  On my own, I will never be enough.  But my life will make a difference because I AM HIS.

*The book I'm reading is "One Thousand Gifts" Written by Ann Voskamp.  It was a gift from a very dear friend named Tami Daugherty.  I am extremely grateful for her friendship!

Bigstuf Blessing!

Can you say BLESSING!!!

This day has held so many surprises!  I don't even know what to say!  I know...me...speechless!  Hard to believe.  The day started with an email from our caseworker sharing a new update about Essie.  She is getting so big.  And she looks like she is so full of energy..."Lord, help me!"  And I'm more than a little concerned about the jeans she's wearing.  Do they teach kids how to throw gang signs on their pants these days?  What in the world is happening there?  

This evening, I got a text from US immigration that our paperwork was received and it is being sent on to the appropriate people.  Yay!!!  We're so close now!

And tonight, I got the biggest surprise yet.  Some of you know, some of you don't.  But at our church, I work with the youth.  Specifically, I work with Freshman girls.  These are some of the most amazing girls in the world.  I can't believe I get the honor of knowing them!  They have the ability to make me feel so young...and so old!  lol

Right now, they (along with several wonderful leaders from our church) are out of State at a huge youth conference.  My phone rang tonight after dinner and I didn't make it in time.  A voicemail popped up and the gentleman said, "Hey...I'm going to call you back in a couple of minutes.  Pick up!  It is important."  So, when he dialed back, I picked it up.  Turns out, it was the creator of the camp/emcee calling.  Long story short, one of the leaders and several of my youth girls had written a letter about my family and our crazy year in response to a prompt from the main leader.  I guess they make calls like this every year.  The difference is that this year, they called us!  My dear friend was on stage and she had shared with him our story of the tornado and adoption...and most importantly of the amazing God that owns our hearts.  

Not only did they call to encourage us, but they took up an offering for our adoption and the people there raised over $2,000 for Esther!!!!!  I know!  Crazy, right?  And to make it even more amazing, they sent us some wonderful gifts from the conference!  Super great timing since we revisited our expenses and realized we were off in our calculations by about 2,000 dollars.  Apparently, even if you have a child fly on your lap...they still get charged almost $1,000 just for the pleasure of being on the plane.  Again, we just trusted God to be faithful with the finances!

The other day, I was brave and I looked back at a couple of older blog posts.  One of them was from right after the tornado.  There were a couple of months that felt like such a struggle!  My faith was rocked and challenged.  I wrote a post about "wrestling".  The scripture was about Jacob wrestling with God and not giving up until God had blessed him.  I felt deep in the middle of a wrestling match then.  All I saw was the pain.  And the weight of my struggle was heavier than I could lift.  I questioned God on everything!  I asked Him WHY He would let a tornado hit our home.  I asked Him why my kids had to be traumatized.  And you can bet your butt I asked Him why He would call us into an adoption and then do everything possible to keep it from happening.  Yes.  I was angry.  And I was honest!  I may have felt a little prideful.  :(  I believed that if God asked something of me and I said, "yes", that it would work out the way I had planned...in my timing!  But, that is not how He works.  I know that now.  He could have allowed a really boring story to be written.  But He didn't.  Because He knew that His ultimate goal was for people to see His love and His faithfulness!  He wanted to strip a family of everything so they had no choice but to cling to Him.  He wanted others to see this brokenness and to get involved in the story so they could see God's love.  He knew that He would bring others into this story of adoption and make them part of something so much bigger than themselves.  He knew that He would show up at a youth conference on June 6, 2012 and receive glory for His faithfulness in front of 1500 people....because of what He had done in our family.

This is why I'll never be able to fully comprehend the awesomeness of God!  I have learned something from Jacob's wrestling match.  When I blogged about it over a year ago, I was in the middle of the wrestling match.  Today, I am enjoying the blessing.  If there is one lesson that I hope to retain from this portion of my life, it is this.

OK, two things! :)

1.  God's glory will sometimes require my discomfort.

2.  God is faithful.  If we are obedient, He will take us on a journey that will leave us amazed and changed!

To close out, I have to say a HUGE thank you to everyone that helped out in some way for our trivia night fundraiser!  We raised over $4,000 and we had a TON of fun doing it!  My heart is still overflowing with gratefulness for the generous and wonderful people God has placed in our lives!  Here is a picture of the FABULOUSLY FULL room!  All of these people (as well as so many others) are part of Essie's story!!

I certainly don't feel worthy of being part of such an awesome story.  But I am forever grateful that God is letting me go on this journey!  :)  

Goodnight, All!!! 

LOA!!! and pure joy!

Want to see what pure joy looks like?

This is the fedex envelope containing Esther's LOA.  After all of the paperwork, signatures, fingerprinting, home visits, certifying, authenticating, mailing etc...
This is what it all comes down to!  This letter is the official letter from China saying that Esther is OURS! :)
The saddest statement on the document,
Identity:  institutionalized child whose birth parents cannot be ascertained.
The happiest statement on the document,
Decision of Adopter:  We ACCEPT the adoptee mentioned above!


She can kick "orphan" to the curb!  She is ours!  She is already loved!


So...what happens next?  We breathe!  We've already submitted paperwork for the next step of the process and we hope to be holding our sweet girl in about 8 weeks!!!!!  AHHHHHHH!  So excited that we can barely sleep around here.  


Hang on, Essie!!!  Your family is coming very soon!

The Story of ONE...

Have you ever considered how incredibly loved you are?

Ponder this:

Thirty-some years ago, a baby girl was born.  Three days into her life, she stopped breathing.  Miraculously, a nurse walked past and found her lifeless body and flew into action.  The baby's mother was told that her child would probably not make it.  That mother, relying completely on strength from her Lord, prayed and gave that child over to God.  She prayed harder than she's ever prayed and gave her firstborn completely to Jesus.  His Will...not hers!
The story took a surprising and wonderful turn.  The baby girl was healed and eventually was sent home with her family.  She grew up in a loving home and was taught from a very young age that God was the author of her life and that He had great plans for her.  She knew from very early on that she belonged to the Lord and He had her life in His hands.

Fast forward many years and add a husband, four beautiful boys and a heart for adoption.  (yep, that baby was me) :)

In October 2010, while God was moving mountains (aka my husband's heart) a tiny little girl was born in China.  I will never know the circumstances of her birth.  I will never know what her first moments were like.  But I do know that on November 4th 2010, she was abandoned in a shed.  And that is where her story begins.

Knowing this little girl, because He created her, God was already working out a plan for her life.  She has spina bifida.  Her tiny little back was in serious need of surgical intervention.  She was rescued from her place of abandonment, operated on, and placed in an orphanage.

Two stories, independent, but about to merge!

God walked a family through the mountains of paperwork, background checks, fingerprinting, appointments etc...He saw them through the destruction of their home after a tornado.  He rebuilt their lives, guided them on the path of rebuilding and kept the light burning bright for this ONE orphan.

Throughout this journey, I have often times forgotten the purpose.  I've been selfish and thought that it was about me.  And in a small way, it has been about me.  It has been about my growth, and refinement.  But, all along, it has been mostly about HER!  God loves her so much that he would leave the 99 to pursue just ONE!  Just Her!  When I think back on all the ways that God has orchestrated the events to bring her to this family...this town...this community, I am overwhelmed at His goodness.
We don't deserve His love!  We don't deserve His faithfulness, but it is ours!

God has orchestrated the events of your life.  He has done it because he cares so much about YOU!  He moves mountains for you.  He increases the resolve of those around you...so they can love you to Jesus!  This is my plea.  If you learn nothing else through our pursuit of Esther, please learn that you are loved so completely by the creator of the universe!  He would drop everything just to be with you.

My praise and adoration goes out to the God that saved my life as a baby and brought me to this moment of seeing His redemption play out in such a beautiful way.  God, you have my life!  I will follow you to the ends of the earth!