One way ticket to Crazyville!

I'm finally going to admit it publicly.  I am LOSING it!  My mind has turned to mush and I can't concentrate on anything.  I've spent so much time on documents, paperwork, timelines, and book reports that I can't seem to focus on anything that isn't adoption related.  We are currently waiting on travel approval.  In about two weeks, we will receive a document that invites us to travel to China and get Esther.  Now, because of the 50,000 details that will need to be ironed out for travel, we won't be able to leave immediately.  More than likely, we'll have to wait to travel until after the first day of school.  So we're looking at gotcha day somewhere around mid-late August.
I feel like I'm in a weird place.  Today, I was cleaning out my closet to donate some clothing for another adoption yard sale and I started thinking through..."what will I wear while we travel?"  I don't want to have to drag around several suitcases...so I have to pack smart.  And those that know me well, will know that this alone, will be a difficult feat.  My dear friend, Kerri, will remember my diaper bags of the past...bursting at the seams...packed with everything necessary to survive in the wild for a year on any continent.  And that was just for an afternoon outing!  I have the tendency to over prepare.

Travel seems so close, but so far away.  And the waiting isn't getting any easier!  Instead, I am over-thinking everything.  I am about to commit a lifetime of love and protection to someone I've never even met.  I know next to NOTHING about this child.  She is a stranger to me.  In her almost two years of life, I've received four pictures of her.  That completely freaks me out!  What if she's awful?  What if she cries all the time?  What if she plays with matches?  What if she never sleeps?  What if she hates us?  What if I'm a terrible mom for a daughter?  I mean, I talk about boogers, and I think farts are funny.      I can build a lego castle that would make you jealous.  But I have no idea what to do with dolls?

Should we have adopted a boy?
Should we have adopted at all?
Is everything going to change?
Will my other kids pay the price?
(insert screaming into pillow here)

I know that this time of year is always challenging.  All the boys are home and the fights outnumber the hours in the day.  My nerves might be slightly challenged right now.  I've got one with major attitude about responsibility.  I've got another one that is either feeling sick or injured most of the day.  I've got one that tries to sleep with me every night and another one that wants me to be his own personal NFL coach.

You know what I feel like doing right now?  Sitting down with two dozen chocolate chip cookies, a gallon of milk and the remaining 70 episodes of "Army Wives" on netflix.  I want to close off the world for a little bit...or at least take a nap and forget.

So yeah...sorry this isn't very cheery!  I don't have any words of inspiration.  I'm pretty empty right now.  I am a mess of emotions lately and I'm feeling terrible about it!  So, if you have scheduled time to hang with me...feel free to bow out gracefully.  LOL  I know I'm crazy!  Or...when you see me.  Just give me a hug and tell me it will be okay.  Tell me that God knows what He's doing and that it is all going to work out.  You and I will both know that you have NO way of actually knowing that...but it will show me that your love for me is unconditional.  'Cause I need you more now than ever before!  Thank you to the people that lovingly stand beside me on this roller coaster!  You know who you are!  'Cause if you look around, you'll find that you're sitting next to me on the crazy train.  And I'll be so grateful to have you there! :)