This adoption has tested me in ways I could never have imagined! And I'm sure there will be so many more discouraging days that are filled with tons of effort and not much payoff.
But, the decision to stick with it is one that will define my life forever!
I found out yesterday that my daughter's orphanage might not have been all that great. The word "Abuse" came into play. Which prompted a friend to admit that she had noticed bruises on "E's" arms that look like fingers had been holding a little too tightly to her upper arm. I looked back at the photos from "gotcha day". It is true. My daughter had bruises. We saw them. But, we were too overwhelmed to put it together. I believe...after putting all the pieces together...that my daughter knew two types of women. She knew the ones that comfort and the ones that hurt. And it has taken her time to figure out which one I am.
So, I have been working hard over the past two weeks to show her consistent love. When she pushes me away, I respond with love. When she slaps me, I show her "gentle" When she scratches me, I firmly tell her "No, that hurts mama!" And I gently stroke her arm, showing her "love". I feed her, bathe her, change her diapers, play with her and hold her hand as she goes to sleep...all in an effort to convey that I am safe. It has been a lot of work without a lot of reward. But, in the moments when I see this...
I know. I believe. I trust...that the work is completely worth it. We are part of the story that God is writing in her life. He has BIG plans for her. I am honored...exhausted...but honored, that God would trust us with something so HUGE! I love this little one. I am loving her more every day. And her love for me is growing too.
Our adoption of "E" was not free. But we secured her freedom!
God's adoption for us was not free. But He secured our freedom. Think on that today, dear friends!!!
I love your honesty and outlook on this whole experience your family is going through. The good and the bad. Esther is very blessed to have you, Jill. You are the best Mommy God could have made for her. I'm so proud of you, girl. Hang in there, keep it up, you are doing great....gosh I think I just had a flash back of my softball coach yelling that to me from the dugout, haha : )
ReplyDeleteOhhhh....I love you & Baby E. This picture makes me wanna stroke her jet black hair & kiss her sweet cheeks! She will learn to trust you momma....One day very soon your going to realize that her apprehension is gone and you won't realize the day it left. Praying that day comes soon....I think it will. :)
ReplyDeleteYou are such and amazing woman. Nuff said. (((((HUGE HUGS)))))
ReplyDeleteJill- You're writing is awesome! I've loved following your adoption journey and now seeing pictures of Essie warms my heart so very much! How heartbreaking to realize she's been abused, but now she will know nothing but love. I would LOVE to see both of you while I'm home between Sept 26-Oct 3. I think she and Karsten would have fun running around and playing with each other. Email me if you think we can work something out angelamoore3902@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteShe's so cute! I'm glad you are seeing some improvement and sticking with it! We are finally seeing improvement here, too. I think we just needed to get through jetlag. My 3 year old is still having issues (jealousy, which I guess we just have to work through!) I stepped out of the "SH" group. Too much negativity and drama. I'm just on dtc and regular fb. You can feel free to email though! bbcole7@gmail.com
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