Good Grief...not so good!

Today is our fourth day home from China.  Only four days separate my daughter from her birth country.  Why do I expect her to heal so quickly?  Her heart is still so broken from losing everything she knows.  And the fact that she is so smart is not working in her favor.  I believe she is holding on a little tighter to her "old life" because she remembers it.  I read something pretty impacting on a board I belong to.  Someone wrote in response to our issues that "anger is a stage of grieving."  I am trying so hard not to take her major mood swings personally.  She is still trying to figure all of this out.  And she is scared.  She's afraid of being moved again, of losing the people that are now caring for her...

I told hubby today that the most frustrating part is that I want so badly to be there for her.  She really only comes to me when she wants something like a snack...or my chocolate.  I was lamenting to him that I wish she would come to me for comfort and love instead of just coming to me when she wants something.  And then a stabbing sensation hit my heart as I said out loud.  "Oh my gosh...that's how I am with God."  I've just gone to Him when I want something.  He's probably saying, "Why doesn't she come to me for comfort and love.  I want to give her so much more than measly snacks."  

My goal today has been to look to God for strength.  I certainly don't have what it takes to parent Essie through this trauma in her life.  I'm in desperate need of His strength.  Instead of expressing anger toward God for bringing me to this difficult place, I am trying now to look for ways He's trying to change me and grow me.  I'm learning the hard way that I have pride issues (especially when it comes to parenting)  It kills me to admit that I can't figure this thing out.  I want everyone to think I'm a great mom and that I have the answers.  But I don't.  So, I will admit with a humble heart that I am clinging minute by minute to Christ to help me work through this with Essie.  And in the meantime, I am seeing a million little blessings.  From my fantastic husband to my boys, friends, and family.  So many people care about us and about Esther.  I am thankful for the great things God is showing me in the middle of this.  And I'm thankful for His unconditional love! :)

Thanks for praying and caring for us (and feeding us!!!)  

love and hugs,

jill