What the heck am I doing???

This.  Is.  Hard!!!!!
Pull up a chair...if you dare.
I'd like to tell you (if you're interested) about the truth of adoption.
Have I mentioned that it is hard?  You all know me.  I don't do "rainbows and unicorns."  Frankly, I think that transparent is the best way to live.  Because...let's face it...Life is hard.  We all have our stuff. My goal isn't to whine.  So, if you sense me doing that...tell me to snap out of it.  I don't feel depressed or sad.  So, my goal isn't to make you feel that way either.  I just would love the chance to write this out, even if no one reads it. :)

The adoption story as I imagined it:
Hubby and I travel to China.  We have a lovely couple of days reconnecting and kissing all over the city of Hong Kong.  (don't puke...this is my imagination).  We head up to her province, and we are given the most beautiful little girl in all of China.  She is timid at first (the books warned me of that) But she lets us hold her and we even get a few snuggles on the way back to the hotel.  We play for hours and explore the city (her snuggly positioned in the carrier, me looking somewhat thinner and more radiant.)  People smile...adoption is amazing.  We finish up the trip in Southern China, make new friends, pack up and head home.  Home is where my newly adopted child sleeps perfectly in her new room and I get to dress her up and put bows in her hair.  And I'm not even tired, because I'm so blissed out!

The adoption story as it really occurred:
Hubby and I travel to China.  We enjoy Hong Kong, but we are trying desperately to find wireless internet to connect with the children we are already missing.  We do not kiss.  (people are already staring at the pale couple from the Midwest.)  We head up to her province and I'm about to vomit from anticipation.  I'm confident.  I'm a mom.  Why wouldn't she love me?  A tiny little girl (ok...she is the most beautiful child in China!) is brought in to the civil affairs room and she immediately starts screaming. (uhhhh, what did the book say?  I am suddenly ill prepared for this screaming creature.)  Hubby takes her and starts speaking in Mandarin.  She calms down and decides to stick with this guy for good...maybe he can help her find her way back to the orphanage that she was so rudely taken from.  For the next few days, I am consistently rejected, hit in the face, screamed at, and more.  I try to keep extending love, but secretly, I am starting to resent this small child and I sit in the bathroom of the cockroach hotel and cry while looking at pictures of the boys.  I decide that if she can reject me...then I can reject her...and God (while I'm at it)  Cause after all...He's the one that brought me here.
Days pass...friends pray.  Hubby consoles and encourages all while meeting every need for the sobbing child in his lap.  The only internet is in the hotel lobby.  Every time I go down, I am stared at.  I want to go home.   She won't play.  She won't smile.  She won't even let me look at her.  I am faced with the possibility that I may have made the biggest mistake of my life.
We travel to Southern China to finish the trip.  We DO make new and wonderful friends.  We pack up and board a 15 hour flight where our daughter sleeps for two hours and screams for the rest.  Meanwhile, the "just in case" benadryl is packed away in the checked baggage and I'm trying to score some "sleepy juice" from other passengers.  Again, I am trying hard to trust God...but I am seriously doubting my abilities.  We get home and our child spends all night crying.  She refuses to sleep at night.  She screams and fights.  My dryer is broken.  So I can't wash our stinky clothes.  I am exhausted because I haven't slept for over 48 hours.  And instead of feeling "blissed out"  I'm feeling worn out.

So, where's my happy ending?  My resolve?  I don't have it.  It is 1:22 and my child is still fighting sleep.  I feel like I am babysitting someone else's child.  She's cute.  And I really want to feel deep love for her.  But, mostly I just feel inadequate.  I feel tired.

I remembered this scripture tonight:
Matthew 25: 34-40

“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world.  For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in,  I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink?  When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you?  When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

She is "one of the least of these".  I'm doing it for Him.  I will love her...because I love Him.  That's it.  Following Jesus is hard.  Truly following Him into the things that matter can be more than difficult.  But, I'll keep doing it because this adoption story is so much bigger than today.  It is so much bigger than my discomfort.  And now I have to close because I need to go comfort her. :(