Painfully Honest

Quote taken from the book I am currently reading:
"I wake to self-hatred.  To the wrestle to get it all done, the relentless anxiety that I am failing.  Always, the failing.  I yell at children, fester with bitterness, forget doctor appointments, lose library books, live selfishly, skip prayer, complain, go to bed too late, neglect cleaning the toilets.  I live tired.  Afraid.  Anxious.  Weary.  Years, I feel it in the veins, the pulsing of ruptured hopes.  Would I ever be enough? But this morning, I wake wildly wanting to live!"

I have a confession!  And it just might rock you a little! :)  I have grown to love the accolades from people.  When someone says I'm great...or that I'm an inspiration, or that I'm AMAZING...I could eat that up like chocolate.  I want to be great.  I want to inspire.  I want to be amazing.  But, I don't think I am that person.

I am flawed.

I worry a lot.  Sometimes I get frustrated because my husband works so much and goes to school so much and never has time for backyard barbecues.  Why don't we have barbecues?  I worry that I'm not a good mom because I don't always remember the chore charts.  And I don't always have a plan for the day.  And when the doctor asks at the yearly check-up if my kids watch less than 2 hours of TV a day, I just shrug and smile sheepishly...

My house is dusty and there is hair all over my bathroom floor.   I am terrible at making a menu and shopping ahead of time.

I am adopting an orphan in a few weeks and I feel bi-polar.  I'm 50% wetting my pants with excitement and 50% pooping my pants with fear!  What if I'm too tired for 5 kids.  What if God gave me all boys because He knew I would fail with a daughter.

Sometimes I doubt my worth because I'm an at-home mom and not working.  I so desperately want to be confident about what I do.  I struggle with jealousy.  I will smile and say CONGRATULATIONS on your good fortune.  But, I will secretly wish the success was mine.

I struggle to read my Bible every day.

I miss my husband.  I haven't spent real time with him in weeks. :(

And yet...........

God sustains my marriage.  He paints an intricate portrait of the depth of the relationship between God and Man.  Jesus and His bride.  I see the struggles and the resolve in my own marriage.  I am the struggle...Jesus is the resolve.  God gives me moments of pure beauty with my children.  He pulls back the curtains and lets me view the relationship He wants with His children.  I see patience.  I see discipline.  I see free-will.  I see forgiveness.  I see imperfection and acceptance.  And like scales being removed from the eyes, the worldy possessions are pushed aside and I see human suffering.  I see children that don't have health care or food to eat.  I see people locked in sin and bad situations.  Compassion compels me to act.  A house that used to shelter six people, will now shelter seven.  Money that could sit in the pockets of friends, will now pay the ransom for an orphan's freedom.  I see goodness all around me.  I see grace.

I will never be perfect.  I will never deserve accolades.  I am flawed.  But the overwhelming distinction is that I am HIS.  He will make beautiful things of my life even though I am filled with self-doubt.  Because I am HIS.  And I understand the truth.  On my own, I will never be enough.  But my life will make a difference because I AM HIS.

*The book I'm reading is "One Thousand Gifts" Written by Ann Voskamp.  It was a gift from a very dear friend named Tami Daugherty.  I am extremely grateful for her friendship!