The Little Engine that Could:

This is taken from an early edition of the story, "The Little Engine that Could".

"A little railroad engine was employed about a station yard for such work as it was built for, pulling a few cars on and off the switches. One morning it was waiting for the next call when a long train of freight-cars asked a large engine in the roundhouse to take it over the hill "I can't; that is too much a pull for me," said the great engine built for hard work. Then the train asked another engine, and another, only to hear excuses and be refused. In desperation, the train asked the little switch engine to draw it up the grade and down on the other side. "I think I can," puffed the little locomotive, and put itself in front of the great heavy train. As it went on the little engine kept bravely puffing faster and faster, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."
As it neared the top of the grade, which had so discouraged the larger engines, it went more slowly. However, it still kept saying, "I--think--I--can, I--think--I--can." It reached the top by drawing on bravery and then went on down the grade, congratulating itself by saying, "I thought I could, I thought I could."

First of all, I want to say thank you for the encouraging and transparent responses to the last post.  In my honest pouring out of what truly goes on inside the mind of a follower of Christ, it is easy to think that I am the only one with these hidden feelings. I will forever be grateful to those of you brave enough to share with me your own struggles with jealousy.

I'm an avoid-er!  If I sense conflict, I will run the other way.  I've admitted that before.  Well, last night, I came face to face with a situation that I would like to run from.  I know I've alluded to it before.  I have so many blog posts staring me down about adoption and God's heartbeat and all that stuff.  So, literally two hours before the tornado hit, I signed us up to volunteer at Winter Jam.  For those of you that don't know about Winter Jam, I'll tell ya.  It is a concert that has several dates all over the US.  It is sponsored by our adoption agency, Holt International. One of the goals of the night is to get sponsors for orphaned children.  The money raised offsets the costs of education, nutrition, medical care, and daily care.  Last year, we signed up as sponsors.  This year, we signed up to work.  It just felt right.  But now it feels wrong.

My heart is in a really weird place.  Daily life is so stressful.  Our kids are needier than ever before.  My husband is busier than ever before and our routine has been shattered. If my kids' teachers didn't know the situation, I'm pretty sure they would be worried that I'd become a crack addict.  Library book?  What library book?   Bringing in a special needs child from another Country sounds like the equivalent of running over myself with my own car right now.  I'm wondering how God could put a desire on my heart for over twelve years and then in the middle of the journey I could lose all faith in it.   My husband is forcing me to keep my commitment.  I will be at the sponsorship table on Friday night.  Who knows...maybe God will use the night to soften my heart.  There is an inner struggle right now.  And I am finding that for the first time in a very long time, my faith is taking effort.  It is easy to sing a song, listen to an encouraging sermon and go home to a nap and a boring Sunday.  It is infinitely more difficult to walk against the wind of doubt with hands raised, saying, "Not my will, but yours, Lord!"  I feel less like the Eagle flying over the mountains right now and more like the little engine.  "I think I can, I think I can."  The difference in my story is that bravery isn't enough to get me over the steep grade.  Only the hand of a very patient Savior will be able to achieve that.  He will have to keep pushing me ever so gently to get me to the top.  And hopefully, as I am sailing down the grade toward "home", I'll be smiling and shouting, "I knew WE could, I knew WE could."