Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Are we there yet????
I think my dad has permanent vein damage from hearing that question on every family vacation. How many of us at least think that phrase during most life experiences? My downfall (well, one anyway...) is to constantly look to the endgame. Forget dating...when are we getting married? Forget pregnancy...when will the baby get here. Forget saving money...let's buy a big dream house. Forget growth...let's just get to the part where I'm super mature! :) I have to be honest. When I started this blog, I wasn't really thinking about the "journey" portion of it. In fact, I'm not all that stoked about touring the Great Wall. For me, from the first post, I was already holding our little girl and headed back to "life". So, I ponder the title I chose several months ago. It was an innocent me. It was the me that had no idea that her "journey" would take such a turn. I was focused on the endgame...not the journey. So, the timeline on the side of the blog is frozen. Can't finish the homestudy without a home. I wait. Waiting is not something I'm good at! Ask my husband. ;) But, I must have more to learn than I ever anticipated. This pruning process hurts. I'm taking my six-year old to therapy today because he's having trouble coping with our new normal and the lasting images of our devastation. How will this shape who he is? Again, I find myself wanting to fast forward to normal. When I was in the emergency room and they were assessing my injuries, I remember thinking the strangest thing. I actually thought, "I really don't feel like doing this right now. I'd rather skip it." As if I even had that option. I guess that speaks to the core of who I am. I told you I was a flight rather than fight girl. That could discourage me. What a wimp! But, when I think of it a little harder, something else occurs to me. I'm still here. I'm still fighting for my faith...fighting for my marriage...fighting for my family...fighting for a small orphan across the globe. I am a fighter. I may not want to be, but with the total grace of Christ, I keep fighting. I'm wearing His armor and fighting along with him. Deep down, I'll still ask, "are we there yet?" But I am certain that I'll hang on until we are! And hopefully, I'll come out on the other side a better person. At the very least, I'll have some pretty amazing stories of God's love.
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Jill,
ReplyDeleteI am so like you. I am always anxious for the end result. I have been so encouraged reading your blog. Hang in there! Imagine what God has for you and your family on the other side of all this!
~Becky VanDamme
You are a fighter and also super mature. I'm learning so much from your wise words and interpretations on life. Love you!
ReplyDeleteYou know, when I started following your blog, I never thought for a second that we would have this many parallels. I don't really know why...people used to constantly ask if we were twins. I decided about 5 years ago that if I was ever asked that question again, I would simply agree we were--on many levels I think it's accurate. Our souls have always been connected to an insane degree. We can argue about verbiage, but our common language is very much the same. Still trying to find the right analogy to express that concept....not sure one exists. Point is, I was just talking to my friend, Steve, about this very thing....patience with the "lessons" (just as yesterday we were talking about empathy, intuition and the way we "see" others--uncanny is our connection. But more expected when you realize God created that as well). Anyway, we were just talking about how strife is the most affective catalyst for growth (spiritually, mentally, you name it). My perception has been aligned a lot throughout life. It happened with the dorm fire, it happened with the car accident. It's happened with every person I have ever dated and broke up with, and continues with the struggles my wife and I face every day. My new outlook is rather simple and humble: Bring it! And I will at least learn. We never want chaos, but it's in chaos we learn ourselves.....we learn more about our connection to God and finally we learn appreciation for our new outlook. As much as I don't want life to be tough, I absolutely LOVE what I gain from the experience.
ReplyDeleteEmbrace the changes with an open heart. Know that all things are for a reason, and know that your friends and family will always be there to support you, and know that the "end result" would mean very little if we were to skip to it. (I've skipped to the end before, and I had to retake the flippin' test....a few times).
Love you,
Rick the MIGG
Hey Jill ... Just want you to know I picked up on your blog recently. So very sorry to hear about your house and the various losses and delays that have come in the aftermath of the tornado.
ReplyDeleteWhen everything happened at the college (almost two years ago, which is hard to believe) ... I left the office where I had just lost my work family, my job, my source of income, my sons' college tuition and other losses I couldn't have foreseen and my first thought was, "God, this is soooo much bigger than me. I can't solve this. You're going to have to deal with it." I am so strong-willed that I usually tackle problems with great tenacity :-), but this time I knew I couldn't solve it.
It's been two years of surrender, blessings, miracles, waiting, change, new opportunities, loneliness, many moments of God showing up and many more where He seemed quieter than I would have preferred, and plenty of confusion ... but the times when He made it clear He was orchestrating it all has kept me looking forward as He leads me along on this intense trust journey.
Crisis is, to me, by definition, overwhelming and chaotic ... and a time where we just won't do everything right as we try to find some order. Just wake up each morning and fight to follow him that day. (I'm reminding myself of this very thing this morning. :-))
Adoption and marriage to me are similar in the way that we wait and hope for new and valuable relationships to become a part of our lives ... and in both cases (especially *second* marriages, but also with adoption ... I'm following one family's intense struggles to love an adopted daughter from Ethiopia) I've seen and heard enough horror stories to stop me from trying to rush God and instead to trust His orchestration of the events that will produce the greatest benefit to us, His daughters, and to His glory. I know you know this in your head, but I want you to know that I'm struggling down this trust journey with you.
Thinking about you all and will continue to follow your blog. I pray today has some very unique blessing for you in it.