Jealousy is a terrible companion on the road of restoration. Please tell me I am not the only one that struggles with this. My downward spiral began after reading someone's blog last night. I want to completely exonerate the author. This particular person has had many struggles and deserves her blessings right now. But, for some reason, it really sent me over the edge. I have always been the kind of person that celebrates the success of others. I want good things for everyone's life. But, deep down...there is a seed of envy that is always threatening to grow into a field of angry weeds. The particular text that watered that seed last night was about someone's amazing fortune of late. It was such an amazing list that I began to expect the proclamation to include the fact that they now poop skittles. Why was it so hard for me to read so many great things about someone else? Truthfully, I think it is because I felt like the blessings for this person were a result of her obedience to God. It was almost as if I could see God pouring out blessing after blessing on someone and then the dreaded question came to my mind: "Why isn't that me?" We were being obedient. We were following a plan. We were going to add a fifth child to our home by adopting. If you look back to oh, say, my first post...it is pretty clear that it was something we were called to do. Now what? Adoption? I can't even go there right now. My heart feels hard toward it. My home? Ummmm, it is a bunch of two by fours. My stuff? It is a nightmare of insulation covered crap in three pods. My brain? Well, I left my car running for an hour while I was inside a friends house yesterday...ooops. My kids? Fight all day, cry all night. Three of them are in therapy now. My marriage? I'm spending more time with my contractor than my husband. My sleep? What sleep? My weight? Congratulations! I've now achieved my pregnancy weight with Andrew. My faith? Barely hanging by a thread. I want to believe that God has a plan. But, right now I'm just too tired to care. So, yeah...I'm kind of jealous when I read that other people are bathing in God's blessings. It just makes me feel like crying. But, instead, I'm going to go take a shower. I'll try to find some pants that fit, cover my scar with make-up, slap on a smile and get ready to tackle the day. I have four kids. Swimming in self pity isn't an option today. I'll try to stifle the jealousy and I'll count my blessings. I'll start with the two that are playing basketball behind me while I type. And who knows...maybe one day I'll start pooping skittles too! :)
You make me smile, because behind the jealousy I can see you love for your God, husband, family, and others...nothing makes me smile more.
ReplyDeleteYou are not the only one...I so relate to every word and, as always, love your honesty. I stand amazed at your ability to make me smile in the midst of the painful journey you are on. I have no doubt that God will use your words, your heart, your honesty, and yes, even your pain to help so many others who are on their own journeys. Thank you for the gift of reading your words.
ReplyDeleteI am reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp and was deeply moved by something I read in it recently. I related to it so much and thought of you as I know your days are "dark" right now (not to mention how dark the nightmares at night can be).
"When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by. Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back." Exodus 33:22-23
"Is that it? When it gets dark, it's only because God has tucked me in a cleft of the rock and covered me, protected, with His hand? In the pitch, I feel like I'm falling, sense the bridge giving way, God long absent. In the dark, the bridge and my world shakes, cracking dreams. But maybe this is true reality: It is in the dark that God is passing by. The bridge and our lives shake not because God has abandoned, but the exact opposite: God is passing by. God is in the tremors. Dark is the holiest ground, the glory passing by. In the blackest, God is closest, at work, forging His perfect and right will. Though it is black and we can't see and our world seems to be free-falling and we feel utterly anoe, Christ is most present to us, I-beam supporting in earthquake. Then He will remove His hand. Then we will look.
Then we look back and see His back...
God reveals Himself in rearview mirrors.
And I've an inkling that there are times when we need to drive a long, long distance, before we can look back and see God's back in the rearview mirror.
Maybe sometimes about as far as heaven--that kind of distance.
Then to turn, and see His face."
Awe Jill, I have so much to reply that I am going to leave you a message on facebook! I love you!
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