The Morning After

You know how every time you make a big announcement or decision, there is an overwhelming desire to pull it back in the next morning.  I remember this feeling each time I found out I was pregnant.  Now, let's be honest.  I would have happily gotten pregnant fifty times.  But, there is a small "oh crap" moment after the lines show up even when you really really want a baby.  I have to admit.  I was overwhelmed by the support and encouraging comments yesterday from wonderful friends.  But, the reality that it was out there and not in my head anymore, made me a little nervous.  My mind was a whirlwind yesterday.  How in the world are we going to fund this?  Why upset status quo? Are people going to think we're crazy?  My mom sweetly answered the last question for me.  "jillian, people already think you're crazy."  Thanks mom!  HaHa!!  And when my husband walked in the door last night (and then back out to return to work...crazy over committed employee) I thought...is this gonna be the thing that finally gives him a heart attack?  I don't know if it was opposition from the enemy.  I mean, seriously..he gets on my nerves.  But, I really had to keep moving forward and giving this over to God.  My prayers went something like this:  "Ok, God...if you want us to add to our family...you're going to have to pay for it."  (so brave of me to throw that at Him, huh)  "Please keep giving me confirmation.  People are going to think we're crazy."  And most importantly, "I just want my heart to beat with the things that break Your heart!" (let's not lose focus)  So, we ended the day with all six of us sitting around the kitchen table eating the most decadent pumpkin cake with cream cheese frosting.  I looked around my table and thought about how full it was.  I mean, we only have six chairs.  I have funny, smart, loving children and a fantastic husband.  If we move forward (and I actually hear back about the pre-app I sent out to an agency yesterday) this will affect them.  My heart was a little heavy.  My belly was too.  wow.  I want to eat that cake for breakfast!  We went up and read stories, prayed and tucked the kids in.  Hubby and I collapsed on our bed trying to grab a moment to ourselves before sleep took over.  I addressed the party down the hall. (Why do they get so chatty after you put them in bed?)  And as we were sharing parts of our day, B walked in our bathroom to hit the potty one more time.  He skipped over to where we were sitting and hugged us one last time and said with his innocent little voice, "I love you mom...and dad."  And then he skipped off to bed...in a warm house...in a cozy bed, surrounded by his many stuffed animals...knowing that he'll wake up to a hearty breakfast...(not cake, that's for me)...and secure in the fact that his mommy and daddy are one room away and would jump in front of a bus to protect him.  And it hit me with the force of a tornado.  B has that!  All of our kids have that.  But, what about the child in an institution, orphanage, etc... that is going to bed so differently than B tonight.  And these are the words I fell asleep to last night...James 1:27 (NLV)  "Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you."  The pursuit is on...