The quiver is full! :)

When I see this picture, my heart almost explodes!  But, I also feel slightly overwhelmed at the weight of responsibility!  These are five of the most amazing people in the world.  And I have the luxury of calling them mine...here on earth.

I am scared to death of letting them down.

What if I don't give them enough of me?

This morning, B gave me a run for my money where patience is concerned. ATTITUDE!  Where did my tender-hearted sweet boy go?  D-Dog has been dethroned as my baby.  And each night at bedtime his plea for "one more snuggle" echoes  in my ears.  Yes.  I will climb in bed with you and snuggle...because someday you won't want this.
Z is a full-on teenager.  Complete with the lingering scent of Axe body spray and the warp speed journey through puberty.  "He's only in our home for five more years!!!" My head screams.  Soak it up.  His sense of humor is closest to my own.  He makes me laugh...He makes me see the things to laugh about.  I already miss him and he's not gone yet.  Noodle!  He is a mystery to me.  He is so completely opposite in personality to my own.  Yet, I am drawn in by his quiet way.  He is tenderness encased in an athlete's body.  He knows what buttons to push, but he would give away his last stick of gum to a sibling.  And E.  The surgery, the unknown, the toddler drama, the abandonment issues.  How can I meet your needs as a mommy?

My heart is full...and heavy.  So much love and so much to care for.

2 Chronicles 1:10
Give me wisdom and knowledge, that I may lead this people, for who is able to govern this great people of yours?"

I trust that God, who has guided my steps, will give me what I need to lead these five amazing individuals straight into HIS arms.

Xin Nian Kuai Le

Happy Chinese New Year!  Today officially kicks off the year of the snake.
And boy...what a difference a year makes!

Here are two of my dear friends and I last year at this time.  We were all three waiting on our Chinese daughters.

And here we are a year later with our laps (and our hearts) FULL!!!

And this year, we added our friends and their Korean daughter to the mix.

This is my sweet girl.  We share the zodiac sign of the Tiger.  Maybe that's why we got off to such a feisty start.

Here are the three girls together.  Yes!  We bribed them with candy!

Here is E with her look-a-like "sister" O! :)

And finally...five beautiful girls whose lives are FOREVER changed by adoption...whose parents are incredibly blessed...

The long and short of it...

To all of the amazing friends that prayed for Es today...Thank you!!!

She did really well through the scan.  She handled the anesthesia well until she woke up and tried to beat me up for two hours.  Apparently she handles her stress by lashing out at me.  I can take it.  I feel much stronger than I did in China.  

We met with her neurosurgeon after the MRI.  These are the results (as I understand them)

Her official diagnosis is lipomeningocele.  

China did NOT operate on her spina bifida at all.  They simply closed the skin and didn't touch the defect at all.  Our doctor suspected this was the case...hence the MRI.  

Her spinal cord is abnormally long and is tethered to fatty tissue in her sacral area.  She has a neurogenic bladder  (which is why we will have to work to make her socially continent)  

If we did nothing, her cord would stretch and eventually she would lose all bowel and bladder function as well as the ability to walk.  Can you imagine what her future would have been like in China???  My heart won't even let me go there with my sweet precious baby.

So, our doctor is recommending surgery.  He will take out two bones, and separate the nerve roots from the fatty tissue.  He will also close up a sinus tract in that area.  (basically a tunnel between the fatty tissue that links her spinal cord to the surface of her skin.)  She is currently at an increased risk for meningitis and other bacterial infections through this opening.

She will always be "tethered."  All that means is that we will have to watch her closely for symptoms of nerve damage throughout her life (mainly during periods of growth)

That's the skinny on today.  I won't lie.  It was really stressful.  My dear friend, Joanna, came to the rescue and kept a feverish B today.  I'm so thankful!  Also thankful for the other wonderful offers that came our way to keep B.  

Now Hubby and I have to figure out when to schedule surgery.  Please pray for good timing and wisdom in this.  God has been so faithful.  I felt Him multiple times throughout the day.  

The bottom line is this:  

It is even more real to us than ever before that God loves orphans!  He chose a family for Es, pulled us out of our comfort zone and gave us the means to go after her.  It is redemption!  Pure redemption!  And our lives may be more complicated now than they were before adoption...but our lives are also more beautiful.  Forever thankful that God is taking us on this journey!!!

Not your average Angelina Jolie!

You won't believe the comment I got from someone last weekend.  I will leave out some identifying details, because I don't want to get anyone in trouble.  But, someone actually called my family a herd!  Yes!  A HERD!  The comment came from a guy.  And he didn't really look like the kind of guy that liked kids.  But still...who says that?  Oh my.  As I walked away, I looked him dead in the eye and said, "Perhaps you can help us out.  We're trying to decide if we should have one more!"  Guess what he said.  "They have counselors for that!"  Woah, buddy!  Good thing my bladder isn't what it used to be and my varicose veins slow me down.  I might have to beat you with my ovaries.

Why are people threatened by big families?

I've also been called a baby hoarder.

And Angelina Jolie.  (I'm assuming it was the kids...pretty sure it wasn't the lips, _______, or legs)

An observation:
Every time I see Brangelina in the pages of People magazine.  (yes, that was a confession!)  I see them walking with their kids, eating ice cream, laughing, shopping.... I never see the pictures of the kids being rotten.  Why is that?

I was at Best Buy today picking up my new phone.  Apparently iPhones are not waterproof.  Who knew?  I had Es with me and it was about two hours past her naptime.  Things began well enough.  But, they moved quickly into a Kiefer Sutherland movie scene.  As I was trying so desperately to keep the calm "I've got it all together" face, my daughter was trying desperately to run away.  I've always been a bit of a freak when it comes to being in public with my kids.  My biggest nightmare is losing them.  So, I kept telling Es to stay close to me.  Side note:  Her "I don't know english....I can't be held responsible for disobeying you"thing is an act!  Girlfriend speaks better english than the boys these days.

As I was conversing with the nice gentleman from the store about my new phone etc etc etc...and people were ooohhhing and ahhhing over my sweet little Chinese baby, I was holding her tight.  Would you believe that all of my concern over her safety and well-being was repaid by a trip to fingernail town.  She scratched my neck and tried to bite me.  I'm pretty sure I looked like a ninja averting her scratches and bites.  Not sure who she morphed into.  But, it wasn't my sweet daughter.  Apparently her default setting is Chuck Norris!  Long story short, prayers were going up that I could keep my cool and love her through it.  God rewarded me by sending her into dreamland as soon as we were in the car.

All that to say;  there is NOTHING glamorous about adoption.  It is so incredibly messy and broken.  I wish celebrities/media wouldn't portray these kiddos as accessories.

I can think of about a thousand things that would have been easier than being a mom today.  But, my day was filled with trying to be consistent and teach a little girl how to be a daughter/sister/non-ninja.  And comfort my boys as thunder shook the house.  It was draining.  And it didn't end until fifteen minutes ago.  (after I grilled the teenager about who he was "crushing on"...and who was "crushing on" him.)  And now I get to go do their laundry and wash their dishes.  I'll grab some sleep and I'll do it all again tomorrow.  And I'll LOVE IT!  Because while parenting is the hardest thing I've ever done.  It is also the most amazing!  And insanely rewarding.

Look!
Four kids have learned that an orphan is more important than "stuff".

A little girl that came to us with no concept of prayer is now asking to pray at every meal.

And we got to watch God turn this:

Into THIS!

Parenting is a front row seat to faith, and love, and redemption, and change, and sacrifice, and joy.
Webster defines "herd" as this:  a number of animals of one kind kept together under human control.  Not exactly sure if the humans have control over the animals...but we sure are having fun!

That's a crazy idea!

The last time I came on here and announced a pursuit, I had NO idea what was barreling at me four months into the future.  But, with a bit of trepidation and a whole lot of "what in world am I doing," I am beginning another pursuit.  The idea has been spinning around in my head for about a year.  But, I have shot my self-confidence with an arrow too many times to count.  Here it comes..are you ready?


I'm writing a book.


Well, as soon as Best Buy delivers a keyboard that doesn't stttttiiiccckkkk.

My favorite books to read are non-fiction.  I read my fair share of fiction too.  But there is something that draws me into the REAL stories of life.  I love following the author on a journey of self-discovery.  And, to be completely honest, it is refreshing to find out that the weird and crazy thoughts I've had exist in other brains as well.

So, what will this book look like?  And why am I telling anyone about it?  Right?  Accountability.  I'm hoping that people might say, "Hey...how's the book going?"  In the same way Myfitnesspal says, "Hey, put down that Twix bar!"

I'm hoping to merge together some funny and poignant stories from life with photos to create an entertaining and transparent look at my journey.  My hope is that others will see how God turned a  broken life into a blessed life... in a broken world.

So, that's it.  Pursuit take 2!  (without the tornado, please!) :)  and yes...my book will have emoticons!

Thanks for reading!

Move me!

Proverbs 16:9 (NLV)
"We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps."

This scripture is true!

Actually, I have to thank my husband for this scripture reference because he shared it with me on the way home from church tonight.

My plans today had me sitting in my hello kitty pajamas, playing with my kids, forgetting that myfitnesspal exists and maybe reading my book.

But the LORD determined my steps.  And they were out of my comfort zone...and they were beautiful...and they were life-changing.

It all became clear on a dark and stormy night.  No, seriously... :)

My parents came to visit today.  And in their very sweet and generous way, they took us out to eat.  While my husband and I were driving to the restaurant, we were deeply engrossed in a conversation about a young friend we know that is in a precarious predicament.  The conversation followed that in this world, we will mess up.  We will take God opportunities and throw them away for our own selfish choices.  But, the bottom line is this:  GOD LOVES PEOPLE!  He loves them all!  With an irrational love.  So, what is our response?  We are called to love them too!  Even through their yuck!

Fast forward to lunch...  We were seated in the restaurant and our waiter came to introduce himself.  He was a man that many would judge immediately.  His ways were effeminate and he just seemed frazzled and slightly desperate for approval.  We were extra kind.  I showed him my dazzling smile.  I applauded his efforts even though he completely confused the order and everything was painfully slow.  I could sense that he needed something that life wasn't giving him.  He shared with us a physical ailment that was causing him to be "off his game".  I smiled (once again gracing him with my pearly white-ish teeth) All the while, I was sitting so comfortably in my Christianity looking down at the world and the problems in it, just knowing that my great cheesy grin was the answer to it all.

Imagine the way my heart was caught in my throat when I saw the table next to us filled with two burly guys and their families reaching out to put their hands on OUR waiter and pray for him.  Yes!  You read that right.  Right in the middle of a busy lunch time rush, God's people shut out the rush of the every day and shared Jesus with someone that clearly needed to know that there was a God and that God loved him!  I felt small.  I felt really small.  We are Christ's hands and feet.  We should always be asking..."is there something more I could do?"

Fast forward to evening...we were sitting in church, hearing a sermon about God's crazy irrational love.  At then end, and just before prayer, a song was shared.  In the middle of the song, something caught my eye.  Two people from across the room were standing.  My mind was racing.  Who would be standing in the middle of a special?  And WHY?  As I looked out of the corner of my eye, I could see that it was two young people.  As the awareness continued, something crazy happened in my heart.  All I could see is a room FULL of people and my heart began asking, "Why isn't someone moving?"  "Why isn't someone going to pray with them, to stand with them, to let them know that God is moving and it is normal to do the abnormal when the Holy Spirit shows up."  My heart began to pound.  I knew what was coming.  God began speaking loudly to my soul.  He had determined my steps throughout the day.  He had shown me what an impact His people can have for HIS glory.  So, with shaking knees, I got up and went around the room and joined these strangers.  As our pastor prayed, I put my hand on the back of the young man.  And prayed with them.  I don't know their story.  But, I don't need to.  All I needed to do was pray...and BE PRESENT!

God could have left it at that.  

But He didn't.

He let me meet these sweet people after the service and hug the boy that I prayed for.  A connection was made.  And I have the name of a boy that I will continue to lift up to God.

I am a super flawed person.  I constantly miss the beautiful opportunities that God lays before me.  But, tonight I saw it.  God is real and He loves us all.  There is nothing amazing about me...I just serve an amazing Savior.  Tonight He reminded me that He pursues us with crazy love.  I am incredibly grateful to know this love and I hope you have opened your heart to see it too! :)

Have a blessed night, friends. 

Belly Buttons and deep thoughts!

This is a picture of my daughter's belly!  Why in the world am I posting a picture of my daughter's belly?  Because we were playing around last night and I was tickling her.  Her shirt slipped up and I caught sight of her tiny little belly button.  And it stopped me in my tracks.  This, as you know, is the connection point between mother and child during pregnancy.  This belly button is a perpetual reminder that my daughter was once connected to another woman.  She received vital nutrients through this connection.  At birth, it was cut.  On a chilly day in November of 2010, it was severed forever.  I will never know the woman that gave birth to my sweet, affectionate, funny little girl.  I sometimes think I catch glimpses in the smiles, laughter, and jokes we get from Es.

I will never know the circumstances that prompted a mother to place her baby alone without any belongings at the edge of a field near a shed in the countryside of China.  But my heart breaks for her.  She is missing out.  Why is the world so broken?  Why does the term "orphan" exist?

My sweet baby girl is finally showing signs of deep attachment.  She will often be heard saying over and over, "Essie and Mama!  Essie and Mama!"  It is almost like she needs to verbally confirm that we are, in fact, together.  My response is always the same.  "Essie and Mama FOREVER!"

As God continues to heal Essie's heart, I pray that He will grow mine.  I pray that He will keep Essie's birth mom constantly on my heart and that I will be faithful to pray for her.  After all, through this sweet baby girl that I call daughter, we are also linked!

Adoption may begin with brokenness, but God weaves a story of redemption.  And it is beautiful!