The long dark night.

"I will never leave you or forsake you" - God
This morning I ran from this scripture. I rejected it. I took up residence in the land of depression...and I was prepared for a lengthy stay. I had a comfy pillow for the hours of sleep, new wardrobe plans for the body I would achieve by giving up food and a completely busted heart. I felt abandoned after the tornado...this was worse.
I tried so hard to keep my mind open to this different culture and the possibility of
rejection. But, let's be honest...I am sick of being stared at like an alien, and I didn't really plan for rejection. I understand that my daughter (whom I begged Rod to give back this morning) has been through extreme trauma...but my heart is screaming...what about me? I know..super mature, but that is my struggle. I am the fool that keeps expecting the fairy tale and can never be satisfied with reality. And when reality is delivered with a dose of pain and suffering, I am ready to bolt on my faith. I am disappointed in the way this story has played out, but I'm even more disappointed in my reaction. Perhaps if I could get it right the first time' I could quit getting schooled.  
Today, we took baby steps. I am convinced that the only reason I'm still in the game and not benched is because so many of you have been praying for me. I convinced Rodney to leave for an hour and give all of Esther's care to me.  She started wailing as soon as she realized she could not have her beloved baba.  "fake it til you make it" became my motto through clenched teeth.  I gave her a snack, which surprisingly, she ate. Then she laid down on the couch as if to say, I don't really care that you're here.  So, I pulled out the coloring book and started to meticulously color smurfette.   She continued to roll around on the couch pretending to ignore me. But then something miraculous happened. If you were to blink, you would have missed it. But she sat up, looked at me and picked up a crayon to color with me. Then, before I could say, this is what I needed today, she was tradinge crayons with me. We stayed there for a while...me playing...her watching. Finally, I asked her if she would like to go to the store with me. All she caught was bye bye, but she was in. We took our first mother daughter shopping trip to a store where I could communicate with no one.  We bought something in a bottle that is supposed to take care of our mosquito bites and some very bright nail polish for the day when she will someday trust me enough to paint her toenails. I bought us a treat from the bakery and a really Yummy mango smoothie. We shared it. It was short, but sweet time. As we entered into the hotel, her demeanor changed. She began whimpering and asking for daddy. I think coming back to the hotel is too much of a trigger for her. I can't wait to leave this place.  Later, I pulled up talking Tom on the iPad and she actually gave me a smile and a laugh. When she got tired, she was finished with me and only wanted daddy again.  If I measure the progress in adoption days, this is good. It isnt perfect, but it is progress. She may completely reject me again tomorrow...but I had today...and I'll hang onto that for now.
I think this is the human condition...to never want to let go of the old. That is what keeps people addicted to pornography, alcohol, drugs, etc... We keep looking back.  As I work diligently to earn my daughter's love and pull her attention away from "the old life"  and toward a fuller life, I am reminded of my own relationship with Christ. Today, I hit a wall and took the fast train to my faithless life. I am ashamed of that...and the things I actually thought today.  But God is real, and God is the original adoptive father. He will continue to remind me of the new life I have and grow my faith in him. I will never be perfect, but, my adoption will never be reversed.  And so, with this example, I will forge ahead in this adoption and hopefully someday, look back on this very long night and realize that as a dear friend shared, "joy really does come in the morning."
Thank you for your faithful a prayers, friends!