I can be real on here, right? I mean. Hopefully, when you read the lovely faith-filled posts, you are encouraged and you see some of yourself in there. And hopefully, when you see some of the doubt-filled posts, you see some of yourself and continue on the journey toward Christ-likeness with me.
Well, yesterday I went on a selfish voyage. And I saw something in myself that is ugly. And I knew it was there. You see, I know I've said it before. But, I am a very passionate creature. I get behind things because, quite frankly, I am easily moved to emotion. What I lack, is the resolve to stick with something even when it gets difficult. Thankfully, through all of the important things in my life, God is the glue that holds me to my convictions. I'm quite certain that without him in my life, my marriage would have crumbled, my parenting would be a huge failure, and I'd never keep a friend. I want God to grow my faith during the tough places in life. I just don't want it to hurt so much. And I definitely don't want to have to look at myself after a temper tantrum and shake my head in embarrassment.
Funny story about my childhood. My brother is awesome. He has always been able to read me like a book. When I was a teenager and I would get mad at my parents, my big "go-to" move was to rebel through music. Usually, I had the Amy Grant tapes going in my room. Or I was busy singing a little Sandi Patti. I know...seriously! But, when I was angry, I had one tape by Eazy E...Boyz in the hood!! oh yeah! I cranked it. So, whenever my brother heard Easy E pumping through the floor, he would pop his head into my room and say..."what's the rebellion about this time?" Fortunately, I have also had a very healthy and sometimes not-so-healthy fear of EVERYTHING! So, when I would rebel, it would always be something that couldn't really hurt my body. But, I don't know if I escaped harm for my Spirit.
I'm so grateful for the free and precious gift of Jesus. He has sealed me and protected me from the enemy. I totally believe that. But, I wonder what he must think each time I shake my fist at him and his plan. Does he really feel the pain of the nails and the crown of thorns that he endured, each time I sin? Because, let's be honest...rebellion IS sin!
So, back to my rebellious heart. Yesterday was a ROUGH day. Hubby and I were not communicating well. We hit a small snag with the adoption stuff that brought to light some deeper issues. And to be honest. I started to question everything. Why am I adopting? I'm certainly not doing this out of selfishness. Maybe I should be selfish. Selfish people look so happy...or at least their hair and nails always look good. And their clothes match. And they take great vacations. Ok...so some serious stereotyping. But, I started thinking of all the things I could do with the time and money that we are investing in this "dream." I thought of about a hundred things I could do to vent out my frustrations, from shopping to a haircut. But, how selfish can you be, dragging along a four-year-old unwilling participant in your rant. Man, where is that old Eazy E tape when you need it? All joking aside. I could actually feel myself throwing the towel in at God. Wow...is my faith that shallow? One test and I'm done? All I know is this: I need the overpowering Grace of God in my life or I'm a mess. In the end...I took a deep breath. Asked God to forgive me for my awful temper tantrum. Had a great talk with my husband, got a little counsel from some good friends, and went to visit a friend in need... to hopefully pour myself into her and quit thinking about me. The day ended well. But, just like a scar remains after an injury to remind you of the pain. I am left contemplating my reaction and my rebellion. Will I ever get it right? No, it wasn't an epic fail. But, I lost focus and turned my gaze from God and the fact that this is HIS dream. So, today I draw closer. Today, I humbly accept His grace and His unfailing love. And today, my heart sings the words from my favorite hymn of all time.
"Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing"
O to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above
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