Unhinged!

Yes!  last night I lost it!  Unhinged doesn't even cover it!  I'm pretty sure I started yelling about socks littering the floor, pee all over the bathroom, book bags and lunch boxes strangling the life out of my very bones.

Oh, who was I yelling at?  Anyone that would listen.  Which left me and my tirade alone in the kitchen.  All the smart people jumped ship and ran to their rooms.  Except my poor husband.  He grabbed the mop bucket in a brave attempt to end my one act play.  Way to take one for the team, honey!

Have you ever had the feeling that you KNEW you were acting crazy and that you'd regret it in four minutes...but you kept going anyway?  Yeah...that was me!

Of course, I knew why I was acting crazy!  It was carefully explained to me a few hours earlier.  Chaos...Noise...

My life is full of it.

Some of it should be kept and some of it should exit the building.  (I know what you're thinking....and the kids get to stay!)

But, I have to say...when I shamefully descended from my soapbox, there were words of truth running through my head.

Matthew 11:28-30

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Those were the words Jesus offered.

And last night, they were my lifeline.  

I am weary.  I am tired.  I need rest.

Do you need rest?  

I want to invite you to be my guest this morning.  I'll even serenade you with a lovely song when you get there.  Well, rock and roll song is first...slow refreshing song is last. ;)

Come and find out the key to real REST!  

Metro Community Church
9am and 10:45am today
www.metrocommunitychurch.com

I can't wait to see you.  And if you have a surefire solution to bathrooms that smell like the urinal at Busch Stadium, PLEASE, people...stop holding out on me!!!!!

Love and all that stuff,

jill

How can you bring a child into this crazy world?

This was the question I heard multiple times immediately after the September 11th attacks.  Interestingly, I was also seven months pregnant at the time.  I understood the question, but I couldn't help but think, "ummm, give birth.  Cause this beast isn't staying in here forever!".

We all have our own memories of that day.  But, most of them are grounded in fear and sadness.  Too many innocent people died.  Too many lives were changed.  And none of us knew what was coming down the pike.

To be honest, I WAS afraid of bringing another child into a world where planes fly into buildings.  I mean, isn't it bad enough that I have to worry about cancer, and car accidents, and fires, and child molesters.  Now I have to worry about terrorists?????

It is easy to lose perspective.

And what about the lives that were shattered like fragile glass?  How do you pick up the pieces and move forward when you lose a loved one?  I wouldn't even dream of speaking about the path that many people were forced to travel on that day twelve years ago.

But I will speak to the original question.  How can I bring a child into this crazy world?  The past twelve years have provided me with the answer to that.  I eventually gave birth (amidst the fear and subsequent War that followed) to a healthy 9 lb, 9 oz baby boy.  He is a gentle giant.  He has eyes that light up a room, a smile that would melt the ice caps, and a heart that is unmatched.  He is smart, calm, athletic, and loving.

A couple of years ago, two of the boys were playing in the backyard when they were stung by wasps.  My gentle giant came running in to tell me what happened, and while I was screaming and spinning in circles...trying to remember the phone number for 911, I looked over and saw my sweet N!  He was on the couch with his head down and his hands tightly folded...praying!

I have seen him give up his favorite blanket to a brother whose own blankie didn't survive the tornado.  I've seen him fight for the underdog, stand up for what's right and most recently, walk a single mama and her babies out to the car in the rain after church.  There are no words for what I felt in my heart as I saw this now 5'4" young man hold the umbrella carefully over four precious lives.

The answer is:  THIS child adds beauty.  He adds beauty to a fallen and sinful and crazy world.  He makes it a better place.

I am fortunate to know so many more children just like him.  Four others live in my home.  They show me joy, they show me purpose, and they show me what true love looks like.

beauty in a crazy world...

Jesus, love, and same sex marriage? Oh my!

While driving home from a trip a couple of weeks ago, I heard a great lesson from our pastor.  He was talking about how Jesus is "friend of sinners", and how we need to get "out of the salt shaker, and onto the meat." 

 The non-food translation is this: 

 Jesus has some expectations of us.  

If our lives have been changed, and we know it...we are supposed to share that love with the world.  We could easily stay in our safe little bubble and block MTV (what??? OK!  We can't afford cable.  Our kids eat too much food!)  Or, keep our kids from "those WORLDLY people." And only attend church functions with church people with church smiles, and church clothes.  Except...Jesus had a word for those people and it wasn't "homies."  It was Pharisees.  The problem with excluding yourself from the world is that you might start forgetting that you were the "world" too.  Judging others might get a little more comfortable.  And your heart might stop beating for people with broken hearts and empty places...and beat instead for  your own glory.

So, as soon as the teaching was over, I shut down the Metro App (No, i didn't get paid for that plug) and I opened up my messages.  I sent a text to our pastor's wife.  

"I was listening to Paul's message, and the thought hit me...if Jesus is friend of sinners, and I'm supposed to be salt to a decaying world...Would Jesus go to a gay wedding?" I simply asked.

Her response:  "You are the most random person I know!  That's why I love you.  But, Paul is sitting right here.  I asked him your question and he said...."

I know!  Right?  WHAT DID HE SAY?  Well, I'm sure if you ask him, he will give you the same answer he gave me.  But, since I didn't ask his permission to share...I'm conflicted on whether or not I should share it.  So I won't tell you what he said.  I will just say that he gave a one word response and it rhymes with "bless".

Let me stop you right there.  Before you start thinking we've all gone off the deep end and wondering how long it will be before my husband sees my blog and demands that I remove it and all the controversial content included...please hear this.

On Wednesday night, the church (that's the people, not the building) got together to collectively pray and remember what a sacrificial gift we were given through Jesus and the cross.  If you were there, you know that it was a very powerful night.  God was present.  And I had the best seat in the house.  I had the privilege of looking out at a sea of faces while we worshipped with complete abandon.  Do you know what I saw?  I saw beauty.  I saw a group of redeemed people.  I saw love, and acceptance, and love and grace.  I saw hands lifted in surrender, and praise, and gratefulness.  And did I mention LOVE?

I couldn't hold back tears while singing the words, "Oh praise the ONE who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead."

I was DEAD!  And now I'm beautifully alive.  All of the dark and broken parts of me found purpose when Jesus became my life.  I see things in a whole new way.  I don't see a same sex marriage debate.  I see people...that are completely loved by God.  I see that I have no room to stand in judgement because I was once the convicted.  When you remember your place in the courtroom, it humbles you.  And your heart starts to open up to the possibility that maybe...just maybe...you don't have to KNOW everything.  And that the only thing that is required of you is...love.  "Love your neighbor as yourself...unless they struggle with something that isn't Biblical."  NO.  It simply says "love your neighbor as yourself". (Matthew 22:36-40)

I feel a little silly now that I asked Paul that question.  Of course Jesus would go to a same sex wedding.  He would go because it would be an opportunity to shine light into darkness and share the love God has for His people.  He would go there in the same way he met a woman at the well, and kept adulterers from being stoned, and ate dinner with tax collectors, and on and on.

The better question is this:  Would someone in a same sex relationship come to my church.  Would they feel loved?  I sure hope the answer to that question is yes.  Because if its not yes, then you might not find Jesus there either.

Food for thought...

Shocking!

My home is filled with "envelope pushers"  These people range in age from two to fourteen.  I may not have them twerking on my kitchen table (yet) but they love to see how far they can take something before mom or dad shuts it down.

Enter Miley Cyrus.  That girl is all anyone can talk about this week.  Quite simply, I think we are giving her too much attention.  What is the old adage?  Even bad attention is attention...
Yes.  I added one to the ticker when I googled the VMAs out of curiosity.  I'm only human, people.

I'll tell you what I saw.  I saw a girl trying to be shocking.

And that's all!  She'll just be an archived story some day.

All of the parent groups getting worked up about her influence over our kids are wasting their time.  Every generation has one of these.  In my day, it was Madonna.

In my opinion, it requires a 15 minute talk...TOPS about how we shouldn't twerk in public with guys the same age as our dads.  Or, you could take my route and just not have MTV in the house.  I know...that is shocking too! ;)

In my opinion, THIS picture should be getting more attention.

Why isn't my facebook feed FILLED with blogposts about Syria?  Why are we more concerned over a misguided girl than the murder of children??????  This is shocking to me.  This breaks my heart!  Our president is putting together a plan to deal with this social injustice.  Do we realize what this means?  I don't know about you, but I'd rather spend time talking with my children about how to make a difference in ways that count.  My babies are waking up in a safe home, with plenty of food, security, and hope for their future.  Not all children are so fortunate!

Can we stop talking about a silly girl with oversized teddy bears and focus on what really matters?  People are DYING!  Sweet little boys in soft pajamas were gassed to death as they slept.  This is the stuff that should occupy our thoughts.

I think that instead of writing a "letter to Miley" I'll write a letter to the lost children of Syria.
I'll tell them that I'm sorry their lives were cut short.  I'm sorry they will never go to college, or get married, or have kids of their own.  I'm sorry that while I was sitting in comfort, they were becoming casualties of a fallen world.

There is a difference between silly and shocking.  Do you see it?

Look past the first glance...

Today I will tell you about one of my biggest sins.  

I judge by first appearances.

And it is usually fueled by my insecurity.

We were at my grandmother's 80th birthday party today.  My very large family was there and we were mingling and catching up.  As I was caught up in conversation, I glanced over and my eyes landed on someone I hadn't met yet.  This particular girl is dating a cousin of mine and though I'd seen pictures of her, I'd never stood in the same room with her.  

She is beautiful!

And suddenly, I felt less than beautiful.  My skirt felt a little too frumpy, my hair felt a little too frizzy, my skin morphed into acne land, and all the flaws bubbled to the surface.  So naturally, I didn't want to like her.  In fact, I decided on the spot that I wouldn't even engage her in conversation.  After all, she had a golden glow, flowing locks, and the hippest clothing in the building.  What would we even have in common?  I was dripping with sweat and trying to keep a two year old from destroying the birthday cake.

And then Jesus called me aside.  

He does that sometimes when I'm acting ugly.  When He sees that my heart is not all that pure...he calls me out.

"She's one of my kids", He urged.  "She's in a room full of people that she doesn't know and you have the chance to welcome her and include her."

"Represent me!" he whispered!  

"I am patient, I am kind. I do not envy.  I do not boast.  I am not proud.  I do not dishonor others.  I am not self-seeking.  I am not easily angered.  I keep no record of wrongs.  I do not delight in evil.  But I rejoice with the truth.  I always protect, always trust, always hope and always persevere."  

"Now go represent me!"

And so I did.

Because I love Jesus.

And because I want to love what Jesus loves.

I started a conversation.  And guess what.  She is LOVELY!  But even if she had been terrible, obedience would have been required.  It turns out that we have a lot in common.  We are both teachers and we both love kids.  We grew up in towns very close to each other and had a wonderful conversation.  I hope she becomes a permanent member of the family soon.  I think she would be a fantastic addition.  But I wouldn't have ever known that if I had allowed my sinful heart to rule.  When I put my insecurity to the side, I was able to see that while this girl is beautiful on the outside, she is also beautiful on the inside.  

Tonight, I will go to bed humbled.  Some of these lessons on following hard after Jesus are difficult.  But I pray that He will continue to invest in me...molding me...and showing me grace.  There is so much I need to know.

Scripture says it best, "

If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.  1 Corinthians 13:2

The First Day of School Starts at WHAT time?

If you scroll down, you'll see that I've been MIA since June.

  That's because I have five kids, people!

No, seriously...when all of my kids are home, I have to fight for computer time.  I have four Minecraft addicts, and a husband that needs the computer at night for work.

It has been very loud here.  Too loud.  Four boys and one girl can crank out the noise.  I would like to tell you that it has been seven shades of bliss all summer.  But, if trophies were given out for most tattling, most whining, most instigating, and most avoiding work...I'd have to clear the mantle.  It has been wonderful, and it has been hard.  I have smiled and laughed at the jokes, interactions, and conversations.  But, I have hidden in my closet to call AT&T.

Today was the first day of school in our district.  I have two middle schoolers, two elementary kiddos and one babe still at home.  I had a chalkboard ready this morning for a fantastic first day photo op.

Oldest child was up first. He was looking snazzy in his new V-neck tee and khaki shorts.   "MOM!  I don't have time for this.  This is NOT COOL!"  My reply?  "SMILE...please...So I can scrapbook this someday when I get my crap together...and I'll remember that you were sweet and not snarly...'cause you'll be smiling."
He complied...mostly to shut me up.

Child two rolls out of bed and throws on the clean-ish athletic shorts in the corner and a basketball shirt.  "Does this match?"  he asks me.  "Ummmm, sure...they are both in the sport category."  It doesn't matter what color they are.  "Come take your picture with the sign, please."  "Uh, (insert half smile) why are you doing this?" he asked.  "B.E.C.A.U.S.E!  Everyone on facebook will have cute pictures of their kids going to the first day of school.  I have to keep up the act that I've got it all together.  Now pose!"  Click!  Done!  Two down, two to go.

Except, the other two pictures didn't happen.

 Between feeding child #2 and walking him to the bus, I had time for a 15 minute shower/get dressed/dry hair.  After the bus drop off, I ran back to wake up kids # 3 and #4.  Made breakfast, got them ready, made their lunches and calmed first day fears.  Then I ran up to wake child #5, change her diaper, get her dressed, feed her and hit the car with three kids in tow.
The day continued on toward crazyville from there.  I ended up returning from soccer practice tonight to a house full of people from our small group.  As I walked through the kitchen, my laser like mom eyes landed on an item out of place.  "A roll of paper towels and an ice pack can only mean one thing."  In the hour I was gone, someone got hurt.  I sat down next to my husband and asked with a weary sigh, "Who got hurt?"  "Child #2...fell off the skateboard.  His wrist hurts."

And just like that...The second day of school has hit a snag!

But.  If you offered me another life, I wouldn't take it!  I love being a mom and I love the chaos!  I'm aware that people see my hot buttered mess and wonder how this machine keeps running.  I literally have NO idea!  But I can say one thing for sure.  I am never bored.  And my days are anything but monotonous.  And I know that one day, my kids will be out of my house and I will LONG for these days.

Stay tuned for our next gameshow:  Broken, Fractured or Sprained.

To be continued...

A Rescue Takes More Than a Day

Today was HARD!

E was DIFFICULT!

I am WORN!

My heart is BROKEN!

I had my most difficult confrontation to date with my daughter.  She began the day with a sunny disposition.  But the clouds rolled in just as my mom, E and I were sitting down for lunch at a restaurant.

Those of you that know my daughter are well aware that she is energetic.  She loves to bounce. She loves to jump.  She loves to laugh.  But, at lunchtime, this behavior is not acceptable.  We had already endured a meltdown in front of my grandmother.  E had taken my mom's bracelet and thrown it at an antique dresser and mirror.  In her shock, my mom yelled, "E!!!!"  Don't throw that!  Immediately, E shut down and started clawing at my shirt and buried her head to cry.

So, I wasn't really in the mood for round two.  Guess what...Toddlers don't care!

I sweetly asked E to stop jumping in the booth.  She kept jumping.  I asked again with more authority.  She kept jumping.  I put my hands out, caught her and sat her on her bottom.  "Stop jumping, E!  That is not ok."  I said.

Have you ever watched the Incredible Hulk transform?  Yeah...it was kinda like that.  She closed her eyes, started clawing me, and bit my arm hard enough to bring tears.  I took her out to the van and put her in the seat.  We both needed the fresh air.  Before you start thinking..."She's out of control...she just needs a good spank..."  please know that the thought crossed my mind.  But we made the decision to never spank E.  She has only been with us for 10 months.  For two years of her life, we have no idea what she endured.  We know that she was bruised when she came to us.  She spent the first two months hating me and slapping me in the face with NO EMOTION on hers...just waiting to see if I would hit her.  So NO.  I will not spank her.  I am forced to be more creative with her discipline.

The thing I hold onto is that she eventually feels contrition.  She will come to me on her own...unprompted and say those sweet words...sorry mama.

And today, she did just that.

And while I was standing next to the car waiting for her to calm down and apologize, the thought crossed my mind...Sometimes, a rescue takes more than a day.  We took E out of her broken situation and brought her to a loving family.  We have shown her every day for ten months that she is important, valued, beautiful and loved.  But we cannot erase in a day all of the damage that was done to her heart.  Our rescue of her takes patience, incredible love, and an enormous dose of Jesus.  I love it when people look at my daughter and comment on her beauty.  I love that she inspires others to step out in faith and adopt.  But, the true gift is when the steadfast and unconditional love we feel reminds us of the same qualities God feels for us.  Our rescue from brokenness happened in a moment.  All it took was asking Christ to take control of our sin-filled lives.  But, the actual changing of our hearts can sometimes take time.

If you have given your life to Christ and you are discouraged by a heart that is still in process, please believe me when I say;  Sometimes a rescue takes more than a day.  And if I can muster the energy and strength to love my daughter through her disobedience and trauma, God can walk with us through anything.

So, what is God rescuing you from?  An affair?  Pornography?  Obsession with money? Anger?  Food? Lies?  Drugs? Fear? Anxiety?  Broken relationships?

Isaiah 40:29 is my lifeline tonight.
"He gives strength to the weary (that's me) and increases the power of the weak (that's E)"  Do you need to know this truth tonight?

Love and prayers, friends.