Waiting...

I don't like waiting!  Who does?  What are you currently waiting for?  A relationship?  School to end?  Vacation? A pregnancy?  A baby?  Marriage? A raise?  A job?  A new house?  A new car?
We spend a lot of our time waiting.
It made me think...
What do we do while we're waiting?
I am currently waiting for China to approve our adoption.  I am waiting to travel to China with my husband to adopt our daughter.  It will realistically be at least August before that happens.
I could drive myself crazy checking statistics on timelines.  I could count the days I've been waiting.  But, what good will that do me?  Don't get me wrong.  I am jumping out of my skin excited about going after our little one.  But, I don't want to wish away today.

Today, I got to enjoy four unique kiddos.  I got to see them interact with each other.  I got snuggles!!!  We took a slow and delicious walk together as a family.  For the PG viewers, I got to "make out" with my husband.  Older viewers..."wink, wink"
I learned lessons about what God is doing in my heart.  I spoke with dear friends.  I had the awesome opportunity to invest in some amazing teenagers.  I ate cake...twice!  I got to enjoy memories made with my mama the day before.  And I am getting ready to end the day by climbing the stairs of my home and snuggling down with my hubby before he has to leave again for work.

Today was an ordinary day.  But, I soaked it up.  I didn't wish it away.  The China approval will come....someday.  And when it does, I will know that every day that I waited was a day truly lived.

So, my encouragement to you as you wait...for whatever it is you are waiting for...is to soak up the ordinary days.  Don't wish them away.  Make them count! :)

To my daughter,

Dear E,
It is late here.  I am sitting alone in the study and I just finished watching your video for the thousandth time.  You are on my mind constantly.  I studied every move you made on that thing...trying to grab a glimpse of who you are.  You are beautiful.  And you cry a lot.  That makes me a little nervous about gotcha day! :)  It is sometimes difficult to be over here signing paperwork when you are over there having all of your "firsts".  I am sad that I'm missing your babyhood.
I know that you have no idea that we are coming.  You have no idea that we pray for you every day and that you have four big brothers that have already made a place for you in their hearts.  You haven't seen the pictures of you that are already displayed throughout this home.  And you could never begin to understand how much I ache to hold you.  God is weaving you into the fabric of our family and you're still half a world away.  But, I pray that your heart will be open to us.  Even though you won't understand why you have to leave one life to join another...
I pray that even now, God is preparing you for us.  I pray that you will attach to us and that you will know right away how much we love you.
The majority of the paperwork is finished.  The thick packet that tells the story of us is on its way to you.  I am tracking it across the US and into your birth country.  Each day that passes now will bring us one day closer to you.
Your paperwork will state that you were abandoned in a shed.  That couldn't be farther from the truth.  You were created by God.  He never left your side.  He protected you from infection and death in the first days of your life.  He ensured that you were found and that you got the surgery you needed.  In the days before your birth, we walked out of church and your daddy looked me in the eyes and said, "I felt the Holy Spirit move me."  "No more talking about it...we have to start the process."  That was the day we started praying for "YOU".  One week later, you were born and our journey to you began.  This has been a story filled with joy and heartache.  It has not been an easy journey.  But, when people see the resolve we have to keep going, I hope they know that there really was no other choice.  In a broken and sinful world, God writes beautiful stories of redemption and hope.  Your story is close to my heart, because it reminds me of the depth of love and the resolve of God's pursuit of me.  As I go to sleep tonight, I will be praying for you.  I love you, sweet baby girl.  And I can't wait to attack those cheeks with a thousand kisses. (and let your hair grow out!....why are they shaving your head?)  Don't worry, I'll bring bows with me when I come after you! :)
Love you!
Love,
Mama!

Dear Tornado Victims,

I realize I am writing a blog that you will never see.  But, my heart is broken and my mind is constantly being pulled to you.  As I see the news coverage, my mind is pulled back to the terror of our own experience.  You are all over the news today, but by next week, you will feel like an archived story.  The Today show will move on to the next big story.  But you will still be putting your lives back together.  No one will know that the deepest part of you aches to jump back into your own bed.  Isn't that what we want the most when we are hurt, sad, or scared?  We want the safety of our home.  We want the safety of our bed.  We want that old pillow that forms perfectly to our head.  We want to be able to reach over to the table beside our bed and grab the lotion, or the book, or the picture we keep there.  But those things aren't there anymore.  Your sense of security is gone.  Your "normal" is destroyed.
You will have children with nightmares and you will jump out of bed in the middle of the night with the overwhelming feeling that you need to flee.  A stormy forecast will make your heart race and your skin sweat.  The sound of wind, that never bothered you before, will keep you rigid with anxiety.
People will be overwhelmingly amazing.  They will help you pick up the broken pieces.  But, all you'll be thinking is, "How will I ever get all these thank-yous done.  I don't even know where my pens are."
You'll have to rock new shoes, new clothes and even new underwear.  You'll desperately miss that one pair of jeans that made your butt look great.  Your spouse or children will ask where something is and you'll reply..."before the tornado, it was _______.  I have no clue where it is now."
You'll have to hold a child a year later and let him cry because he still misses his stuffed animal and worries that it is alone and broken in the woods somewhere behind your house.
You'll have funny moments too.  But they will seem surreal.  You will find that out of all the possessions you lost, they've managed to save the most bizarre ones.  After surgery to repair my own lacerations, I was taken back to our new home(The Holiday Inn Express).  I walked through the door feeling exhaustion in my bones to find that someone had found and transferred our basket of mismatched socks to the hotel.  For a moment I just stared at the basket wondering what kind of sick joke this could be.  Even the socks were mocking my pain.  I simply lifted the small basket, carried it to the trash can and dumped it.  Its not like we'll ever find the matches now.
You'll find that even in sadness, you'll want to connect with your spouse.  But, since you have no home, you'll find yourself hiding in the bathroom of the hotel together using candles borrowed from a friend and saying things like, "Please don't touch my head and please don't make my head wound bleed."  Sexy, huh?
And after that, you'll sneak back out to the sleeping children and sleep in separate beds so you can comfort them when the nightmares hit.  It is a surreal experience.
If you rebuild, you will go back to the work site that used to be your home.  You'll laugh at how you now have broken toilets in your front yard and worry that the neighbors hate you.  You'll see where you bled and you'll see where you survived.  You'll feel strong and weak at the same time.  And some of you may be overwhelmed by sadness because you lost someone you love there.
You'll look out at the sky from your home and wonder how nature could be so cruel.  You'll watch the seasons change and you'll have to do it from a new location.
The bottom line is that it will change you.  At times, you'll want to run away from your own life and at times you'll want to scream to the world that you feel more alive now than you ever have.  Since you've experienced true fear and you've spent a moment trapped under debris wondering if you were living out the last moments of your life, you'll have no choice but to look at life differently.  If you let God hold you through the million emotions you'll face...He will be your strength.  He understands when you feel like no one else does.  He is faithful in all of the details.
My favorite verse from the Bible is one that God gave me shortly after our tornado.  It is found in Isaiah 40:31  
"but those who hope in the LORD 
   will renew their strength. 
They will soar on wings like eagles; 
   they will run and not grow weary, 
   they will walk and not be faint."

You will be in my prayers and I will not forget you.  Healing will take time and lots of help from people that love you.  Soak it up.  The true friends are there long after your home is rebuilt but your fears remain.  They will visit your Facebook wall or text you during storms and say, "just checking on you, or I love you,  or I'm praying for you."  Those will be the gifts that come from tragedy.  And when you hear someone say, "I just love storms!!!  I stand outside and watch when we have tornado warnings."  Try very hard not to throw something heavy at their head.  They don't mean to be insensitive.  Not everyone can understand what you've been through!

Sincerely, and with lots of hugs and prayers,

A sister whose been in your shoes (the new shoes, of course...'cause who the heck knows where your other shoes are!"

PRAISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!  To the people that prayed for us (and E) about the document issue, I am so grateful.  God heard our prayers and he got the document through.  It was authenticated and is now headed back to our agency!  This was such a huge hurdle.   After hearing from our courier, I just sat and cried.  This has been the biggest faith walk of my life.  And for the first time since the tornado, I can actually feel excited about our adoption.  We are going to CELEBRATE tonight!!! :)  Hopefully, we'll be holding our baby by July!!!
We thank God for His faithfulness and we thank you, our friends, for supporting us through this journey!!

Urgently needed prayer!

Ok, friends!
I really need your help.  We have another document headed to the Chinese Embassy tomorrow.  Will you please pray that God would move the minds of the officials and that they would approve our document.  This is kind of our last option for hubby's birth record.  I know that God is in this.  I know that this is His story.  But, I also know the amazing power of prayer.  My blog is short today.  The rest of our paperwork went to another courier to be processed.  We should have all of that back in a couple of weeks.  Please also pray that everything goes ok with that.  And lastly...we applied for an adoption grant.  We won't know anything for sure on that until much later.  We will still have to fundraise.  But, we're praying over that as well.  Thank you for your support and all of your prayers on our behalf. :)

Visiting that place in my heart...

There is a piece of my heart that will never dwell in my body.  It is a place that, most likely, has been idealized in my mind.  But, it is something that I left behind the day we left our home north of Chicago.
Many of you may have seen the slow unravel.  Or, it could have been so slow that you didn't notice vast differences in my personality.  You just realized that I was becoming a little more distracted, a little less efficient and a lot more crabby.  To be fair, it has been a rough year.  There are some changes in me that will never change back.  I have lived through something terrifying...emphasis on the word lived.  (ummm, and terrifying.) :)  In some ways I am braver than I was before.  But, in some ways, I am more fearful than I was before.  I have been so wrapped up in this awful adoption process that I've also forgotten a bit of who I am...of why I'm even doing this.  I needed perspective and I needed it bad!  My sweet and supportive husband saw it.  My parents saw it too.
So, when I announced last Thursday morning that I was renting a car and leaving town, they didn't seem very surprised.  Just for back-story...I should mention that I've NEVER...in all the years of our marriage...left home and driven North by myself.  Good gravy, I've always been too afraid.  What if my car breaks down?  What if I miss my family too much?  What if I get sick while I'm gone?  What if.....
But, knowing the desperate need I had for finding myself again (not in a selfish, I need a good spa day way)  I packed up my stuff, picked up the car (Thank you, dear Sherry!) And thank you, mom and dad for taking D-Dog and helping to pay for the rental car!
As I hit the interstate, my body struggled to relax.  I had to physically force my hands to loosen their grip on the wheel.  But, as I drove along, I called friends to chat, listened to some great podcasts, and sang along LOUDLY with the radio.  And then I ran into a snow storm.  By the way, it kicked the pants off the "snow storm" we're having today. :)
I just kept chugging along and tried to stay out of the way of the crazy Chicago drivers.
As soon as I hit my old stomping grounds, I felt it.  It was a strange wave of something that I couldn't quite put my finger on.  Everything felt so familiar and so foreign at the same time.  These roads used to be my everyday drive.  And yet the landscape had changed.  Stores had closed and new ones had opened.
I drove past the hospital where three of my babies were born.  I was overwhelmed with memories of driving there with my husband and the beautiful miracles we left there with.  I drove past my old home and almost started crying when I saw the tree my kids always played in.  As I looked at the sidewalks that our family had walked together many times, I felt wistful.  "I miss these days."  I thought.
I arrived at my friend's house and felt giddy pulling in her driveway.  How many times did I take our friendship for granted?  How many times did I pull in her driveway without a thought about how special she was.
The weekend was AMAZING!  We laughed the entire time.  I'm actually sore from the full out laughter.  We talked, ate, shopped, stood in line for the latest Twilight movie release at midnight (LOSERS!)  We acted like crazy kids.  I'm struggling to find the words to express how much I loved being with her.  And to top it off, I got to visit another dear friend.  Stepping into her home felt like home to me.  It felt so warm and familiar.  She is exactly the same...beautiful and sweet.
I also gained perspective.  Without sounding too "zen"  I was able to find my center again.  I pulled back a little and saw the friendships that need more of me.  I pray that I will be able to keep that perspective and make the changes that I need to make.
I was sad to leave, but I had so much to come home for.
I missed my husband.  I had time to reflect on what a friend he is to me.  We are very different.  But, God couldn't have made a better match than when he put us together.  My favorite thing he said upon my arrival home was, "I missed your laughter!"  That was a pretty cool thing for him to say.  And it is also noteworthy to add that he did a FANTASTIC job with the kids.
Oh, those kids!  I couldn't wait to kiss on them.  I think I freaked them out when I tried smelling their necks.
Now that I am home, I realize that sometimes it is good for your heart to go "home."  Because home can be the place you wake up every morning and it can also be the place you leave a part of yourself.  My history and my wonderful friends there will always be important to me.  And I will make an effort to visit more often.  But, I also have a wonderful life here and friends that I can't wait to invest more in.  I am thankful that God has allowed me to cross paths with such fabulous people.  My life is so rich because of it.

My weakness...

"If I must boast, I will boast in the things that show my weakness."

2 Corinthians 11:30

Sometimes, it feels like I use this blog to self-examine (or criticize.)  And sometimes, I use this blog to sort out the things God is teaching me.  Throughout it all, I hope that the overwhelming message is that I can do nothing apart from the strength of Christ.

This day was a huge reminder of that.  The past two weeks have been filled with hubby working LOOOOONG hours and lots of sick people.  In fact, we've all been passing around a fever/cold/headache thing.  So, we aren't exactly livin' la vida loca over here.  It has been an endless stream of, "Goodbye, honey.", "Stooooooop fighting!", "How do six people create 50 loads of laundry a week?", Ok, seriously...it is 2:30 in the morning.  If you're not going to puke, please go back to bed!", "Uh, yes....school attendance line?  ummmm, errrr, uhhhh, wait, which kid is staying home today?"  "Hi!  I'd like to make an appointment with the Dr.  Yes.  I do sound familiar.  I've been there three times this week."

Ok, Ok...you get it!

So, add a huge misunderstanding with hubby and the fact that I mistakenly made the same dinner last night that I made the last time he had the stomach flu......which he has not forgotten...which he did not mention until the end of dinner as he looked at his untouched food.

AND....

You will find a girl that desperately needs to boast in her weakness. 

I have thought the following, this week:

Is my husband repulsed by my weight gain?

Am I failing with my kids?

Why can't I go to Hawaii like my in-laws?

Heck, why can't I spell any more?

Why are we adopting?

Why did we rescue this dog?

Would I have more value if I worked outside the home?

and on and on

I am weak, but HE is strong.  I was never meant to handle this on my own.  My broken moments only serve to bring me closer to Him.  He is big enough.  I can invite him to my pity party and he will come.  He will close the party down, but He will come.  He is faithful.  And no matter how cloudy my vision gets and no matter how deep I slide into my own self-doubt...He is strong enough to pull me out.  I am reminded of the blessings in my day.  My home is filled with quirky and amazing people.  We laugh at the silliness and we hug through the hurts.  God is meeting all of our basic needs.  I am married to a godly man that loves me completely.  We are completely trusting God with our finances in every way.  We have prayed that He would keep our old stuff running so we could spend his money on a child that was abandoned in a shed.  

You know why I'll continue to boast in my weakness?  Because it is such a great opportunity to show His strength.  Anything good that comes from my life...anything that is remotely unselfish is because of His life in me.  I am dead to myself and I live in Him.  My doubts and weaknesses lose their weight when they are measured against eternity.  

Wanna see something that matters for eternity?  

Introducing......"E"