Visiting that place in my heart...

There is a piece of my heart that will never dwell in my body.  It is a place that, most likely, has been idealized in my mind.  But, it is something that I left behind the day we left our home north of Chicago.
Many of you may have seen the slow unravel.  Or, it could have been so slow that you didn't notice vast differences in my personality.  You just realized that I was becoming a little more distracted, a little less efficient and a lot more crabby.  To be fair, it has been a rough year.  There are some changes in me that will never change back.  I have lived through something terrifying...emphasis on the word lived.  (ummm, and terrifying.) :)  In some ways I am braver than I was before.  But, in some ways, I am more fearful than I was before.  I have been so wrapped up in this awful adoption process that I've also forgotten a bit of who I am...of why I'm even doing this.  I needed perspective and I needed it bad!  My sweet and supportive husband saw it.  My parents saw it too.
So, when I announced last Thursday morning that I was renting a car and leaving town, they didn't seem very surprised.  Just for back-story...I should mention that I've NEVER...in all the years of our marriage...left home and driven North by myself.  Good gravy, I've always been too afraid.  What if my car breaks down?  What if I miss my family too much?  What if I get sick while I'm gone?  What if.....
But, knowing the desperate need I had for finding myself again (not in a selfish, I need a good spa day way)  I packed up my stuff, picked up the car (Thank you, dear Sherry!) And thank you, mom and dad for taking D-Dog and helping to pay for the rental car!
As I hit the interstate, my body struggled to relax.  I had to physically force my hands to loosen their grip on the wheel.  But, as I drove along, I called friends to chat, listened to some great podcasts, and sang along LOUDLY with the radio.  And then I ran into a snow storm.  By the way, it kicked the pants off the "snow storm" we're having today. :)
I just kept chugging along and tried to stay out of the way of the crazy Chicago drivers.
As soon as I hit my old stomping grounds, I felt it.  It was a strange wave of something that I couldn't quite put my finger on.  Everything felt so familiar and so foreign at the same time.  These roads used to be my everyday drive.  And yet the landscape had changed.  Stores had closed and new ones had opened.
I drove past the hospital where three of my babies were born.  I was overwhelmed with memories of driving there with my husband and the beautiful miracles we left there with.  I drove past my old home and almost started crying when I saw the tree my kids always played in.  As I looked at the sidewalks that our family had walked together many times, I felt wistful.  "I miss these days."  I thought.
I arrived at my friend's house and felt giddy pulling in her driveway.  How many times did I take our friendship for granted?  How many times did I pull in her driveway without a thought about how special she was.
The weekend was AMAZING!  We laughed the entire time.  I'm actually sore from the full out laughter.  We talked, ate, shopped, stood in line for the latest Twilight movie release at midnight (LOSERS!)  We acted like crazy kids.  I'm struggling to find the words to express how much I loved being with her.  And to top it off, I got to visit another dear friend.  Stepping into her home felt like home to me.  It felt so warm and familiar.  She is exactly the same...beautiful and sweet.
I also gained perspective.  Without sounding too "zen"  I was able to find my center again.  I pulled back a little and saw the friendships that need more of me.  I pray that I will be able to keep that perspective and make the changes that I need to make.
I was sad to leave, but I had so much to come home for.
I missed my husband.  I had time to reflect on what a friend he is to me.  We are very different.  But, God couldn't have made a better match than when he put us together.  My favorite thing he said upon my arrival home was, "I missed your laughter!"  That was a pretty cool thing for him to say.  And it is also noteworthy to add that he did a FANTASTIC job with the kids.
Oh, those kids!  I couldn't wait to kiss on them.  I think I freaked them out when I tried smelling their necks.
Now that I am home, I realize that sometimes it is good for your heart to go "home."  Because home can be the place you wake up every morning and it can also be the place you leave a part of yourself.  My history and my wonderful friends there will always be important to me.  And I will make an effort to visit more often.  But, I also have a wonderful life here and friends that I can't wait to invest more in.  I am thankful that God has allowed me to cross paths with such fabulous people.  My life is so rich because of it.