He Knows Me.

All of my children have their own smell.  Those of you that are parents know exactly what I'm talking about.  It isn't a "you need a shower" kind of smell.  Just a very unique kid scent.  If my eyes were closed, I could pick out all four of my children correctly.  That is how well I know them.  I know their smiles, laughs, and sense of humor.  I can predict with almost certainty how they will react to any given situation.  They are wonderful and complicated.  And I wonder if that is how God sees me.
He knows every aspect of my character.  He created me.  I know that He could pick me out of a crowd.  When He put me together, it wasn't a random recipe.  It was very specific.  It was intentional.  But, I wonder if He gets frustrated with me.  Today was a good day.  I felt like I got a lot accomplished at home and I spent some really wonderful time with the kids.  But, there was a discontent in my heart.  I was surrounded by blessings.  And yet, the doubts found their way in.  Was any of it good enough?  Was it acceptable?  Was it enough to gain worldly approval?  I don't know why my thoughts always find their way back to this ridiculous turntable.  But they do. 
When I put the kids to bed tonight, I thought about how much I love them.  They were charming and funny today.  But, they disobeyed me, they fought, and they challenged me.  They are simultaneously delicate and willful.  But at the end of the day, they are mine.  I love them.  I know them, and I still love them.  So, as I end this day, I can only picture God gazing upon me and reflecting.  I was charming and funny.  I was disobedient and challenging.  The dark clouds rolled across my heart like they passed across the sky.  I questioned His will for my life and I challenged him to speak with greater clarity.  I embraced him like a drowning man holds onto a raft.  And I will do it all again tomorrow.  But, I open the Bible and I see the words that I need.  They are water for my thirsty soul...Lamentations 3:22-24 (The Message)
"God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
   his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.
   How great your faithfulness!"
He knows me...and He loves me anyway.  His love never runs out.  It is made new every morning.  I will sleep tonight knowing that God, who created me, will be there when I wake up with new mercy, new love, and new patience. He knows me and He loves me.  Because I am His!   Wouldn't it be awesome to be that kind of parent!

Thanks------Giving

Good morning and happy Thanksgiving!  As I write this, I am sitting at my parents' house smelling the delicious turkey in the oven.  My children are running all over the place filled with excitement to be here.  I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of my husband, who stayed behind yesterday to work and supervise a basketball game.
As I was lying in bed last night trying desperately to get my children to settle in for sleep, I was thinking about this day.  Note to self...when the kids are already flying high about being at nana and papa's house, don't load them up on the cookies you are baking!  Okay, so I had LOTS of time to think in between pleas and threats last night.  :)   But I was reflecting on the compound word-ish-ness of Thanksgiving.  I was thinking about how easy it is for us to do the first part...well, most of us anyway.  I could fill up this post with all of the things I'm thankful for.  I have a wonderful family, and all the possessions I could ever want.  Being thankful requires nothing.  I can sit back with my tummy full of food and a smile on my face and be thankful.  But, my heart wandered to the last portion of the word.  To be honest, I think that is where most of us get caught up.  I just want to challenge your heart and mine today.  Giving requires effort. Giving requires sacrifice and it is so rewarding and difficult.  Think about the way you feel when you extend yourself in some way.  You are pouring yourself into someone or something.  These are the things that live on and have eternal significance.
Yesterday, my old fears came back into play.  After a phone conversation with a friend and about 10 minutes with my dad, I started questioning my sanity.  To be fair, I have to say that my dad is amazing.  If you've ever met him, you would surely agree that he is the most honest, caring man out there.  There is no one in the world that will ever worry more about me than my dad.  But, he is very practical.  He believes in a hard days work, loving your family, and having two children max!  :)  He loves my kids more than anything.  But, he worries about us a lot and I know that he is seriously questioning my sanity right now.  So, I have to remind myself over and over that what I am doing will not make sense to the world..nor should it.  Most of what Jesus did was extremely radical...He was not a "go with the flow" kind of guy.  And there is a huge difference between "crazy" and "reckless"  I am crazy for God, but not reckless.
So, as I reflect on the giving portion of Thanksgiving, I want to commit to be someone that follows after God when it doesn't make sense.  I want to give of myself and my resources when it isn't convenient.  Because I know that nothing you do in the name of Christ comes back void.  Obedience comes with a price, but it also comes with a gain. 
I contacted the local agency that we will work with for our homestudy.  We have all of the paperwork now to start this process officially.  The money train will begin the moment we click submit... I am afraid, but I have Faith.  And I think God honors that fear...it shows that I understand the gravity of the request to follow after Him.  I am excited and scared.  I have part of my mind in the world that says, "why in the world would anyone want five kids!" and part of my mind is deep in the heart of Christ that says, "why wouldn't you save one of my kids!"  Guess which one is louder...guess which one will win!  :) 
Happy Thanksgiving and thank you for reading.  I hope you will reflect on the things you have to be grateful for as well as the many opportunities you have to give. 
love to all of you out there...
jill

Clubhouses and other lessons from my kids

There is a corner of the family room that my children love.  It is the space between two couches.  It has been deemed by my little engineers as the perfect spot for a perpetual clubhouse.  The only problem with the location, in my mind, is that it is located just inside my front door to the right.  So, when visitors come to the door, they are immediately  met with a pile of blankets and pillows.  And I'm not talking about a neat little pile.  It looks more like a blanket monster puked up afghans and pillows all over the corner.
The amazing thing about this new found obsession is that they have to keep rebuilding it.  I am a little OCD about certain things.  I really like order.  It might have something to do with the fact that absolutely nothing is under my control around here and that even though I know it is a battle I will lose, I try to maintain some semblance of neatness.  So, every evening, I systematically deconstruct their clubhouse and fold all of the afghans, put all of the pillows in their respective places and once again, the corner is clean.  But, just like magic, at some point the next day, I look over and see that it has been rebuilt.
This may seem like a tiny little issue.  And I do think it is absolutely adorable!  Especially when they try to lure the dog into their clubhouse with treats.  I hear them giggling inside and making plans for an attack on the dog.  (poor Toby!)  I know some of you reading this will think, "just leave the clubhouse alone, psycho mom!"  But, you can't judge my need for clean!  Through this, though, I have learned some things about myself.  I am a planner.  I love to make lists.  I have been known to go through each room making lists of the things I would like to do in each one.  Repaint, clean out closet, organize papers etc...  I have about a million lists, but not much to show for them.  I chicken out on repainting.  The closets seem too big a task.  You get where I'm going.  I'm also really easily distracted and discouraged.  If I built a clubhouse and someone took it apart, I would probably not rebuild it.  Why bother...it will just get torn apart again tomorrow.  Actually, I'd probably just draw up plans on paper...nobody can mess with that.  It is SAFE!  But, there is no excitement in safe.  There is nothing to gain with safe.  Nobody has fun with SAFE!  I want to be more like my children.  I want to wake up each morning with an entire world of possibilities.  When I get knocked down, I want to get up and rebuild.  I don't want my dreams to die because they stay on paper too long or I'm afraid they won't work out.  I don't want to be safe.  I want to be daring.
Hubby and I had a great time of prayer on Saturday.  We fasted during lunch and talked, sang and prayed.  It was a fantastic time for our marriage.  It is so rare to get that kind of time with him.  And knowing that we were going before God at the same time, for the same purpose was awesome.  I've been feeling convicted lately.  I feel like God is asking us to move forward and start investing financially in the adoption.  I've been holding off on sending in the application because I know the money train will begin.  And I'm scared!  I like my safety.  I want to see the money in the bank before we start...all of the money.  But, God has shown me that I'm trying to control the process.  I will do his will, in my timing.  I don't think it works like that.  That way robs God of the opportunity to be God...to be Glorious...to be AMAZING.  When He asked Esther to go before the King uninvited, He didn't show her right away how things would work out.  That would take FAITH completely out of the equation.  The greatest part of that story is that Esther did it...not knowing how it would end...but trusting that God did.  I want to be more like Esther!  I want to be brave for God!  Please pray for me...for us...during this process.

Fight Another Day

Today I am thankful for encouragement from friends and God who helps me "Fight another day!"

Reality BITES!

I spent an entire afternoon yesterday cleaning our van.  I don't think it was even recognizable after I finished.  Good-bye french fries!  By the time I went to pull it in the garage, I saw that the fabric inside was covered in muddy footprints.  Apparently, my children decided to invite friends to play hide-and-seek in the van.  A highlight of my day besides washing 15 loads of laundry was picking up our "cow" from the meat processing plant and trying to explain to my four-year-old why we eat meat.  I made lasagna in record time and delivered it with children in tow to my husband's school, where we proceeded to scarf down dinner and watch the high school play.  I bribed, I threatened, I bribed, I threatened...please be good!  Please don't talk!  Please don't kick the people in  front of you!  Please don't touch each other!  All of my efforts to show the world that I have it together have left me completely unhinged.  I have nothing left.  This well is dry!  My cup is empty!  And I am going to bed.  This day has left me defeated and the tears bulging at the lids of my eyes are a dam about to burst.  With this post, there is no resolve, no spiritual lesson, no moment of reflection.  Just a hope that tomorrow will be a better day and that I will be able to dig deep and find something worth pouring out to the people around me.

Rest

Psalm 4:8
"In peace I will lie down and sleep,
   for you alone, LORD,
   make me dwell in safety."

Have you ever watched a child fall asleep?  I had ample opportunity this weekend.  D-Dog seems to be going through some sort of emotional growth...or should I say regression.  He has always been a great sleeper, but lately, he has had a lot of insecurity and the other night asked me to stay with him while he fell asleep.  As I lay there next to him, watching his sweet face illuminated by his nightlight, I started to pray for him.  I watched as he  sucked his thumb and stroked his blanket.  At first, his body was restless and he moved around like he was trying to find that "sweet spot" for sleep.  Then, his body was still and his arm was flipping a piece of the blanket around.  (yes, I got hit several times.)  But, eventually,he stopped moving and snuggled up next to me. His body went still and his face relaxed, and his breathing deepened.  Ahhhh, FINALLY!  Now I can sneak out of his bed.  (Before you judge me for being a terrible parent, I must insert that it is rare for me to stay with my kids until they fall asleep.  But, stay with me, and I think you will see that, as usual, there was a lesson in it for me.)
While D-Dog was falling asleep, I couldn't help but make the comparison between his quest for sleep and my quest for rest in a weary world.  How often do I use my comfort objects to try and find peace...a shopping trip for new clothes, a cart full of junk from Wal-Mart, a new TV...  But these things never bring me true peace.  I remain restless because these are temporary pleasures offered by a fallen world.  Not until I get close to God am I able to find real peace and real rest.  And, WOW!  When I actually snuggle up next to the creator of the universe and acknowledge His holiness and His greatness, I am able to trust Him and find the rest that I so desire!  Read that verse again, but imagine yourself leaving behind all of the "security objects" that you hold and finally drawing close to God for the peace and safety that He offers.  "In peace I will lie down and sleep, for YOU ALONE, LORD, make me dwell in safety."    My prayer for you, (and me) today is that we will all draw close to God and find our true peace in him.  And for those of you that have told me recently that you read the blog and that God has moved your heart, I want to tell you that it has encouraged me!  My only goal is to become less so God can become MORE.  Hopefully you will see through my struggles and journey that the only reason anything good comes from my life is because Jesus is in it.  And He wants to move in the same way in your life too.  So, happy Monday everyone!  Have a great week of rest. :)

For Love of You

I am feeling the urgency rise up in me.  Each day that passes is wonderful and hard.  I have a thriving family.  But something is missing.  We had a fantastic night last night.  We had zero commitments.  We put on our pajamas and gathered around the table for a lively game of "Life".  My sides hurt today from laughing so hard.   Z kept landing on "lawsuit" and suing us.  Noodle traveled through the whole game with one child and finally got another kid right before he became a grandparent.  D-Dog was more interested in driving the cars around the board....(I'm pretty sure I repeated an entire section of the game.)  And the people fell out of the cars so often, they should all be brain damaged by the end of the game.  But we had a blast.  A crazy, loud blast.  But it just made me happy to see all of us together enjoying the various personalities present.
I asked Z the other day if he wished that he had his own room.  "NO!" he said.  "I like sharing a room with Noodle.  We talk a lot before we go to sleep.  Do you hear us?"  "I hear you laughing," I said.  "What do you guys talk about?  Girls?"  "No.  Mostly, we just talk about random guy stuff."  
While I am enjoying every moment of life (even the ones that are filled with tears and whining children) I still feel this undercurrent of expectation.  I might even describe it as restlessness.  Imagine if you had a child that you loved and you couldn't get to them.  Wouldn't you fight hard?  Do whatever it takes to get to that child?  I feel like every day that goes by is a day that MY child isn't home.  Does that make sense?  Or does it sound like crazy talk?  I've reflected on my sanity lately.  I am well aware that adopting will not make my life easier.  With each child we've added to our family, the "me time" has disappeared a little more.  But I don't care!  God has changed and grown my heart with each member of our family.  I trust that he will do the same this time too.  So, if I seem a little distracted, or if I start to annoy you with my fundraising efforts...please give me grace.  I am simply a mom trying to get to her child.  And if you want to know where this passion comes from, read some of the lyrics to another favorite song of mine by the fantastic Audrey Assad:
"For Love of You"
For love of you/ I'm a sky on fire/ Because of you/ I come alive/ and it's your sacred heart within me beating/ your voice within me singing out/ for love of you...
...And everything I do/ It's all for love of you.
This song is about our passionate love of God.  Loving Him can lead us to do crazy awesome things in life.  It causes people to give up their worldly possessions and travel to a foreign Country to become missionaries.  It causes people to do their jobs with integrity in a corrupt world.  It causes people to support families in third world Countries through things like Compassion International and it causes a family with four children to save money like crazy to adopt another child and make her "family"....for love of You...