NO MORE SCHOOL!!!
Chinese Food!!!
Making Cupcakes!!!
Daddy's HOME!!!
Eating cupcakes!!!
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Monday, December 17, 2012
The things that really matter
We have all seen the news. And I can guarantee that all of our thoughts are preoccupied and our hearts are broken over the tragic mess of Friday in NewTown Connecticut. Every mom, dad, or grandparent that did school drop-off or loaded their kids on the bus was weighed down with some extra anxiety. I had to keep my emotions in check this morning as I drove the kids to school. "Don't show fear...don't show anxiety...and for pete's sake...don't embarrass them by screaming out...JUST KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU!" as they run inside the building.
But this is nothing new for me. I have a confession: The events at Sandy-Hook Elementary didn't begin a way of living and way of thinking for me. It just reminded me why I do it. And I know there are many of you out there that parent the same way. So, this blog is a reminder of why we parent the way we do.
Christmas is approaching. At my house, we are not talking about the latest and greatest gadgets. We are not making Christmas lists. My kids know that they will each be receiving three totally rockin' Christmas presents from us this year. They will also be exchanging with each other and will be blessed enough to get presents from others that love them. But, we are not going into debt. And we are not getting them everything (hmmmm, really anything) that they are asking for. Now, I am completely aware that they may grow up and form families of their own someday and be heard saying, "When I was a kid, we only got three presents...so we're going to have a much better Christmas around here." Although I hope they don't! :)
In my humble little opinion (and with a huge disclaimer that I'm a major hot mess and completely disorganized) I will share what my kids are actually getting for Christmas this year that does not come wrapped in a box.
Parents with a solid marriage. No matter what the circumstances...Rodney and I will always make this thing work. Because, we realize that people don't make marriages last...God does.
Siblings! Because as we walked through the visitation line last night for a dear friend's mother, I saw three siblings standing together with their grief. I looked at my husband and said, "I'm so glad that our kids will have each other someday when we go "home".
LOVE. I tell my kids that I love them EVERY DAY! I hug them EVERY DAY! I help them with their homework and I listen to their stories. I laugh at their jokes and I cry when they're hurt. I discipline them in love and always work to help them become the amazing people that God created them to be.
And the best gift we could ever give them as parents is jesus. From the time they were babies, we've shared God's love and sacrifice with them. Most of our lessons to them in life have been centered around making choices that help them love God and love Others. We have actively participated as four of our five children closed their eyes and in small sweet voices, asked Jesus to be in charge of their lives.
We live in a sinful world. God didn't turn his back on Connecticut and He doesn't turn His back on you. This world was never going to be perfect. We live out a measly few years here on Earth in the hopes that anything we do will help other people know God...know Christ and that it will transform their lives.
I pray that God doesn't ask me to give up my children. It is a pain that I never want to know.
But as I drove them up to the doors of their elementary school this morning, I had a peace that passes all understanding! Evil is present in the world...But so is God. And God wins. The end has already been written. I have that peace!! My children entered into their day covered in prayer, feeling secure and completely loved with God's promises and God's presence covering them. As a believer, I have the hope and promise that while evil was storming the halls of an elementary building taking lives of tiny children...that God was also present taking those sweet babies home to be in His constant care. I will pray for the families that lost loved ones. But, my main prayer will be that they completely embrace God's love and see their sweet little children in Heaven someday.
But this is nothing new for me. I have a confession: The events at Sandy-Hook Elementary didn't begin a way of living and way of thinking for me. It just reminded me why I do it. And I know there are many of you out there that parent the same way. So, this blog is a reminder of why we parent the way we do.
Christmas is approaching. At my house, we are not talking about the latest and greatest gadgets. We are not making Christmas lists. My kids know that they will each be receiving three totally rockin' Christmas presents from us this year. They will also be exchanging with each other and will be blessed enough to get presents from others that love them. But, we are not going into debt. And we are not getting them everything (hmmmm, really anything) that they are asking for. Now, I am completely aware that they may grow up and form families of their own someday and be heard saying, "When I was a kid, we only got three presents...so we're going to have a much better Christmas around here." Although I hope they don't! :)
In my humble little opinion (and with a huge disclaimer that I'm a major hot mess and completely disorganized) I will share what my kids are actually getting for Christmas this year that does not come wrapped in a box.
Parents with a solid marriage. No matter what the circumstances...Rodney and I will always make this thing work. Because, we realize that people don't make marriages last...God does.
Siblings! Because as we walked through the visitation line last night for a dear friend's mother, I saw three siblings standing together with their grief. I looked at my husband and said, "I'm so glad that our kids will have each other someday when we go "home".
LOVE. I tell my kids that I love them EVERY DAY! I hug them EVERY DAY! I help them with their homework and I listen to their stories. I laugh at their jokes and I cry when they're hurt. I discipline them in love and always work to help them become the amazing people that God created them to be.
And the best gift we could ever give them as parents is jesus. From the time they were babies, we've shared God's love and sacrifice with them. Most of our lessons to them in life have been centered around making choices that help them love God and love Others. We have actively participated as four of our five children closed their eyes and in small sweet voices, asked Jesus to be in charge of their lives.
We live in a sinful world. God didn't turn his back on Connecticut and He doesn't turn His back on you. This world was never going to be perfect. We live out a measly few years here on Earth in the hopes that anything we do will help other people know God...know Christ and that it will transform their lives.
I pray that God doesn't ask me to give up my children. It is a pain that I never want to know.
But as I drove them up to the doors of their elementary school this morning, I had a peace that passes all understanding! Evil is present in the world...But so is God. And God wins. The end has already been written. I have that peace!! My children entered into their day covered in prayer, feeling secure and completely loved with God's promises and God's presence covering them. As a believer, I have the hope and promise that while evil was storming the halls of an elementary building taking lives of tiny children...that God was also present taking those sweet babies home to be in His constant care. I will pray for the families that lost loved ones. But, my main prayer will be that they completely embrace God's love and see their sweet little children in Heaven someday.
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| This is how you snuggle with three people |
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Treasures in Heaven
Hubby and I were talking last night about our past Black Friday pursuits. "Remember the Nintendo DS we stood in line for?" Hubby asked. "Yes!" I responded. "Where is it now?" asked Hubby. Sadly, I have no idea. It seems that the popular trend is to chase an item down like it is the last drink of pure water and then discard it the following year for the next best thing. I've already addressed Black Friday on here. You all know how I feel. I've engaged in some pretty fun nights out with my husband stalking the deals. I also get that most of the time it is about the experience with friends and family. I don't see anything wrong with that! I think it is a great opportunity for families and friends to store up some good memories. I just don't want to be so consumed with things that won't even matter in a month. I will NEVER abandon my family on Thanksgiving to sit outside a store. And let's be honest. If I want absolute chaos, people running everywhere and lost sleep...I can find that at my house. :)
As Thanksgiving approaches, my heart is completely focused on a treasure that will NEVER lose its appeal. It will never be pushed to the back of a drawer. This treasure is my daughter. Of course, I view all of my kids as treasures. But, for obvious reasons, the newest member of our family is part of a journey that has forever changed me.
I watched the video "Half the Sky" yesterday while snuggling my sick little girl. It is a tough documentary to watch, but so good. It puts life into perspective! I encourage you to see it. It physically hurts my heart to think about what Essie's life would be like if we hadn't adopted her.
So, while I would like to wish you a very happy Thanksgiving...I also want to challenge your heart to be on the lookout this season for "Treasures in Heaven."
Matthew 6:19-21
“Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.
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| My Treasure |
Thursday, October 25, 2012
On the Eve of a Birthday
Tonight, it is a new experience for this veteran mom. I've been doing this ritual for almost 13 years for an eventual crew of four boys. And yet this one is unchartered territory. Tonight, I sat in a rocking chair with my daughter of only two months and rocked her to sleep. "Goodnight on your last night of being ONE" I said. And I realized that I only had two months worth of memories to draw from. Most of the past year was spent chasing after her with forms and appointments and travel. Last year, we baked a cake, put a #1 candle on it and sang to a child that we could barely even imagine.
Sometimes it hurts to know that there are people that know her better than I do. Sometimes I feel a physical ache that I wasn't there for all of her "firsts." There is a small place in my heart that wonders what she saw, felt, and understood in the many months before she became mine.
But, as I put her to bed tonight, I felt pure joy. Because instead of lingering in all of the sad places, I remembered that because of God's amazing gift...His love...His faithfulness...she is ours...
And I know that when she wakes up tomorrow morning as a TWO year old, she will call out for mama...and she will mean me.
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| My Two year old baby girl |
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| Now I will pretend you are not here, mom! |
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| STOP taking my picture, MOM! |
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| Seriously, LADY! put the camera DOWN! |
Monday, September 17, 2012
Abundant Life and dirty diapers
John 10:10
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."
I almost quit Jesus.
It happened a couple of weeks ago on a Sunday afternoon. I was jet-lagged, exhausted, overwhelmed, sad, and facing constant rejection from my newly adopted daughter. My "story" was once again not going the way I had planned. In my self righteous anger, I boldly shook my fist at God and asked the age old question..."Why can't things go the way I want them to? Fortunately, God isn't the kind of deity that strikes idiots down as they are walking off their anger. I walked on. I tossed around the idea of disrupting the adoption and walking away from my faith. The entire time I thought about it, though...I couldn't really envision my life without Christ. Basically, this was another "roll around on the floor banging my fists and crying" tantrum. In my pain, I had reverted back to the child that wants what she wants, when she wants it! Sorry, girlie...God doesn't respond to that behavior!
By the time I got home from my 2 hour walk of anger, my husband was there to lovingly greet me and pull me out for a private talk. He was exactly what I needed in the middle of my high speed come-apart. He reminded me of God's faithfulness (why do I always forget it?) He reminded me that we are a team. We will do this together. And he reminded me of the beautiful life we were fortunate enough to live...even if I couldn't see it through my curtain of pain.
Since that day, God has been faithful to grow my relationship with my daughter. But, it is coming slooooowly. First, I had to set my feelings aside and agree to mother her...to love her...with my actions. When I felt like crying, I smiled at her instead. (yes...teeth were totally gritting). I got her snacks, I changed her diapers (that's love! You know it!) And I sat and held her as she fell asleep. She learned minute by minute to trust me. And I have to say, the process impacted me.
God sent Jesus to die for me so I could live. He adopted me. But, I rejected Him. For several years during my youth, I rejected Him. Even still, I can be a very challenging child! But, He is slowly showing me with His actions that I can trust Him. When my house came apart, He provided. In China with a broken heart, He was there. My relationship with my daughter is a direct parallel with the relationship I have with HIM.
The other day, I was perusing Facebook and I came across some recently posted photos. The title of the album could have been "barely dressed, drinking and flirting like a fool". As I looked at the photos I remembered that God had brought me from a life similar to this. It was a life completely focused on ME and the next "good time"
"The thief (satan) comes ONLY to steal, kill and destroy."
he doesn't really care about your "good times". He will gladly watch you party yourself into an STD, pregnancy, sickness, infidelity, divorce, and death. He'll supply the streamers!
"I (Jesus) have come so they may have life, and have it to the full"
Jesus has a shattered heart every time He sees someone He loves heading down the slippery slope of destruction. He has a much fuller life available for all of us. Pay attention! It is NOT pain free! And it is not perfect. My fuller life is filled with poopy diapers, crying, and not very much quiet time. Since we are flawed, we will always struggle in this life. But, the life we get when we follow Him is too difficult to describe to someone not living their "fuller life". So, since a picture is worth a thousand words...please allow me to show you what He means by "a fuller life"
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."
I almost quit Jesus.
It happened a couple of weeks ago on a Sunday afternoon. I was jet-lagged, exhausted, overwhelmed, sad, and facing constant rejection from my newly adopted daughter. My "story" was once again not going the way I had planned. In my self righteous anger, I boldly shook my fist at God and asked the age old question..."Why can't things go the way I want them to? Fortunately, God isn't the kind of deity that strikes idiots down as they are walking off their anger. I walked on. I tossed around the idea of disrupting the adoption and walking away from my faith. The entire time I thought about it, though...I couldn't really envision my life without Christ. Basically, this was another "roll around on the floor banging my fists and crying" tantrum. In my pain, I had reverted back to the child that wants what she wants, when she wants it! Sorry, girlie...God doesn't respond to that behavior!
By the time I got home from my 2 hour walk of anger, my husband was there to lovingly greet me and pull me out for a private talk. He was exactly what I needed in the middle of my high speed come-apart. He reminded me of God's faithfulness (why do I always forget it?) He reminded me that we are a team. We will do this together. And he reminded me of the beautiful life we were fortunate enough to live...even if I couldn't see it through my curtain of pain.
Since that day, God has been faithful to grow my relationship with my daughter. But, it is coming slooooowly. First, I had to set my feelings aside and agree to mother her...to love her...with my actions. When I felt like crying, I smiled at her instead. (yes...teeth were totally gritting). I got her snacks, I changed her diapers (that's love! You know it!) And I sat and held her as she fell asleep. She learned minute by minute to trust me. And I have to say, the process impacted me.
God sent Jesus to die for me so I could live. He adopted me. But, I rejected Him. For several years during my youth, I rejected Him. Even still, I can be a very challenging child! But, He is slowly showing me with His actions that I can trust Him. When my house came apart, He provided. In China with a broken heart, He was there. My relationship with my daughter is a direct parallel with the relationship I have with HIM.
The other day, I was perusing Facebook and I came across some recently posted photos. The title of the album could have been "barely dressed, drinking and flirting like a fool". As I looked at the photos I remembered that God had brought me from a life similar to this. It was a life completely focused on ME and the next "good time"
"The thief (satan) comes ONLY to steal, kill and destroy."
he doesn't really care about your "good times". He will gladly watch you party yourself into an STD, pregnancy, sickness, infidelity, divorce, and death. He'll supply the streamers!
"I (Jesus) have come so they may have life, and have it to the full"
Jesus has a shattered heart every time He sees someone He loves heading down the slippery slope of destruction. He has a much fuller life available for all of us. Pay attention! It is NOT pain free! And it is not perfect. My fuller life is filled with poopy diapers, crying, and not very much quiet time. Since we are flawed, we will always struggle in this life. But, the life we get when we follow Him is too difficult to describe to someone not living their "fuller life". So, since a picture is worth a thousand words...please allow me to show you what He means by "a fuller life"
Thursday, September 6, 2012
The Best Things in Life are NOT Free!
We have been sold a lie. The best things in life are NOT free! And I'm not talking about a financial fee either. I'm talking about our perseverance and our resolve. I'll admit right now that I do not naturally have a lot of resolve in situations. I'm a flight girl, remember? When the going gets tough, the tough get going...to hide out under the bed until the danger is over!
This adoption has tested me in ways I could never have imagined! And I'm sure there will be so many more discouraging days that are filled with tons of effort and not much payoff.
But, the decision to stick with it is one that will define my life forever!
I found out yesterday that my daughter's orphanage might not have been all that great. The word "Abuse" came into play. Which prompted a friend to admit that she had noticed bruises on "E's" arms that look like fingers had been holding a little too tightly to her upper arm. I looked back at the photos from "gotcha day". It is true. My daughter had bruises. We saw them. But, we were too overwhelmed to put it together. I believe...after putting all the pieces together...that my daughter knew two types of women. She knew the ones that comfort and the ones that hurt. And it has taken her time to figure out which one I am.
So, I have been working hard over the past two weeks to show her consistent love. When she pushes me away, I respond with love. When she slaps me, I show her "gentle" When she scratches me, I firmly tell her "No, that hurts mama!" And I gently stroke her arm, showing her "love". I feed her, bathe her, change her diapers, play with her and hold her hand as she goes to sleep...all in an effort to convey that I am safe. It has been a lot of work without a lot of reward. But, in the moments when I see this...
This adoption has tested me in ways I could never have imagined! And I'm sure there will be so many more discouraging days that are filled with tons of effort and not much payoff.
But, the decision to stick with it is one that will define my life forever!
I found out yesterday that my daughter's orphanage might not have been all that great. The word "Abuse" came into play. Which prompted a friend to admit that she had noticed bruises on "E's" arms that look like fingers had been holding a little too tightly to her upper arm. I looked back at the photos from "gotcha day". It is true. My daughter had bruises. We saw them. But, we were too overwhelmed to put it together. I believe...after putting all the pieces together...that my daughter knew two types of women. She knew the ones that comfort and the ones that hurt. And it has taken her time to figure out which one I am.
So, I have been working hard over the past two weeks to show her consistent love. When she pushes me away, I respond with love. When she slaps me, I show her "gentle" When she scratches me, I firmly tell her "No, that hurts mama!" And I gently stroke her arm, showing her "love". I feed her, bathe her, change her diapers, play with her and hold her hand as she goes to sleep...all in an effort to convey that I am safe. It has been a lot of work without a lot of reward. But, in the moments when I see this...
I know. I believe. I trust...that the work is completely worth it. We are part of the story that God is writing in her life. He has BIG plans for her. I am honored...exhausted...but honored, that God would trust us with something so HUGE! I love this little one. I am loving her more every day. And her love for me is growing too.
Our adoption of "E" was not free. But we secured her freedom!
God's adoption for us was not free. But He secured our freedom. Think on that today, dear friends!!!
Monday, September 3, 2012
Good Grief...not so good!
Today is our fourth day home from China. Only four days separate my daughter from her birth country. Why do I expect her to heal so quickly? Her heart is still so broken from losing everything she knows. And the fact that she is so smart is not working in her favor. I believe she is holding on a little tighter to her "old life" because she remembers it. I read something pretty impacting on a board I belong to. Someone wrote in response to our issues that "anger is a stage of grieving." I am trying so hard not to take her major mood swings personally. She is still trying to figure all of this out. And she is scared. She's afraid of being moved again, of losing the people that are now caring for her...
I told hubby today that the most frustrating part is that I want so badly to be there for her. She really only comes to me when she wants something like a snack...or my chocolate. I was lamenting to him that I wish she would come to me for comfort and love instead of just coming to me when she wants something. And then a stabbing sensation hit my heart as I said out loud. "Oh my gosh...that's how I am with God." I've just gone to Him when I want something. He's probably saying, "Why doesn't she come to me for comfort and love. I want to give her so much more than measly snacks."
My goal today has been to look to God for strength. I certainly don't have what it takes to parent Essie through this trauma in her life. I'm in desperate need of His strength. Instead of expressing anger toward God for bringing me to this difficult place, I am trying now to look for ways He's trying to change me and grow me. I'm learning the hard way that I have pride issues (especially when it comes to parenting) It kills me to admit that I can't figure this thing out. I want everyone to think I'm a great mom and that I have the answers. But I don't. So, I will admit with a humble heart that I am clinging minute by minute to Christ to help me work through this with Essie. And in the meantime, I am seeing a million little blessings. From my fantastic husband to my boys, friends, and family. So many people care about us and about Esther. I am thankful for the great things God is showing me in the middle of this. And I'm thankful for His unconditional love! :)
Thanks for praying and caring for us (and feeding us!!!)
love and hugs,
jill
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