Whatever lies before me...

I was up for music last weekend at church. We sang one of my favorite songs. "10,000 reasons"  As we were singing, it hit me hard that I want the lyrics of the song to penetrate my heart and take over my soul.
"The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes"

I could barely get through it without crying!  I know God is good!  I've seen it!  But, I've also seen the difficult side of following Christ.  It isn't always rainbows and unicorns.  I think the lyrics are such a true testament of what our hearts desire...but we can't achieve on our own.  No matter what the day holds, we want to STILL sing "his song" by the end of the day.  We don't want to lose our faith.

I have a unique opportunity to see the many faces of faith as I sing.  Last weekend, my eyes passed over friends that are battling cancer, have very sick loved ones, fight alcoholism, struggle with homosexuality, battle tension in marriage, have children that have walked away from God.  

As my eyes carefully passed over each person,  I was reminded that in this sinful world, we all have struggles.  We are so dependent on God for every breath!  But, we have the amazing opportunity to encourage each other on the road!

I felt compelled to ask my friends on Facebook to share their favorite scriptures with me.  I know that the only way I'll keep singing "His song" is if I allow Him to talk to me through scripture.  And I'm going to be honest.  That is a struggle for me.  I want to tell you all that I read my Bible every day.  But,  if I take off my cheesy Christian mask...you'll see that I don't.  You'll see that I read People magazine, more than I read the words of the creator of the universe.  You'll hear me give book recommendations for best sellers, and not include the Bible.  I want to change that.  But, I was afraid that if I took my Bible with me to Ch-na with the expectation of reading it...I wouldn't.  So, a God-inspired idea formed. Ask friends for their favorite verses and compile a little book of God's words.  And I have to admit, I have been BLESSED by it!  I love reading the verses and contemplating the people that sent them to me.  I am taking such a treasure overseas and I'll be taking a bit of them with me!  It has had the unexpected benefit of making me feel closer to each contributor.  I will always treasure this book of scripture! :)  If you would like to add yours to the book, you have plenty of time.  Just leave it on the comment section!  And thank you, to everyone that has taken time out of their busy lives to pray for this journey and encourage us!  This is your adoption too!  When you look over your life and think of the ways you are contributing to the kingdom of God, you must add this to your list.  Esther has become your family.  She has become your story of redemption.  She has a family and a future because of YOU!  
May God bless your day with peace and "whatever may pass, and whatever lies before you...May you be singing when the evening comes."
All my love!

icrazy

Hebrews 12:2 (The Message)
Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed - that exhilarating finish in and with God - he could put up with anything along the way: cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God.

Okay.  I really need to claim this scripture for today.  What a journey this has been.  It has been a flippin' roller coaster!  But here we are...so close to the prize!

What's going on in my head?  I'm nervous.  What if she rejects me.  What if I'm completely overwhelmed by five kids? 

Instead of focusing on the task at hand (i.e. packing!) I've been running around like a chicken without a head.  I have managed to do other completely unnecessary tasks.  And my latest obsession has become the iPhone.  My phone is up for an upgrade.  And since they don't make phones to last more than two years...mine needs replaced.  It has an average battery life of 10 minutes.  Naturally, being fearful that my outside excursions will come to an end...I want to get this matter wrapped up before we leave.  So, I've been researching.

Which is how I ended up at Target last night at 9:50 looking at phones.  Not only was I looking at phones, but I was trying to talk my husband into letting me get one...while I was standing in front of the display case at 9:50.  I plead my case.  (insert massive amounts of whining)...BUT I NEED A SMART PHONE!  Everyone else has one.... What am I supposed to do with Esther while I'm stuck at appointments or practices or games or.....
To which my husband calmly responds..."Do we really need to decide this before 10pm tonight?" (target's closing in 10 minutes...think fast!)
Let's look at our finances and make a smart decision on whether or not we can afford the data plan that you'll have to pay for each month." 
OH. MY. GOODNESS!  Why does he have to be so responsible and so RIGHT!

The truth is:  We have five kids and I'm a stay-at-home mom.  I can't afford a smart phone.  It wouldn't be a financially savvy move.  And why can't I just pack a book, or a toy and entertain my own kid?

So, hubby is right.  My phone will have to be replaced, but i'll end up buying another "dumb" phone at best buy to get me through.  And I'll be thankful.  Because I can walk past my "dumb" phone on my way to my INDOOR PLUMBING and just be grateful that God has placed me in such a comfortable life.  

Perspective.  I found it in scripture!  Keep my eyes on Jesus.  Study how he never lost sight of where he was headed.  He was headed to my redemption.  And he didn't take a detour to Target.  And he certainly didn't have a temper tantrum about his phone.  

Where am I headed?  I'm headed to Esther!  And I'm completing this journey with a man that takes amazing care of our family and keeps me grounded.  I'm so grateful for him and I hope he reads this as my apology for my super immature behavior!  (Deepest apologies and regrets, Love!)

50 shades of.......

EXHAUSTED!

Got ya! Seriously...Did you think I'd post a hot and heavy blog when I've got all this adoption stuff going on?

Good day, but very busy.

I keep feeling like I'm forgetting things.

And why is my house so messy?

This crazy ride has been going on for almost 2 years.  Why am I so frazzled?  Shouldn't I have used those two years to prepare?  LOL

I had a great conversation with a couple of adoptive moms.  I was feeling like a major loser for not being farther ahead in my preparations.  Then, one of the moms reminded me that unlike giving birth...where you arrange child care for a couple of days, and go have a baby...

I have to prepare to leave my kids for over two weeks.  I have to anticipate anything they might need in that time.  Celebrate a birthday that we'll miss.  Create legal documents giving temporary guardianship to their caregivers.  Find someone to take care of Toby.  Finish gathering all of our documents.  Pack!  Prepare for a new child here at home.  All while trying to spend quality time with my other four kids.  Keep the flame burning with the hubby.  Show up for all of my other commitments.  Clean.  Cook.  Launder.  And did I mention PACK???????

Oh my!  Thank you for the generous offers to help me out when I admitted my over-whelmed-ness.  Yes...I'm making up new words.

I'm actually doing well.  My heart is averaging 280 beats per minute...but that's normal...right?
Could be the stress...or it could be the constant flow of diet dr pepper!

Either way...two weeks from today, I'll be holding my daughter. :)

And I'll be 50 shades of overjoyed!

Good Times!

Ok.  I'm not even addressing the Chicken debacle going on all over social media.  Wait...does this mean I'm addressing it?  I think Jesus loves chicken and people of all sexual preferences.  Does that make me a sinner?  Yep!  I'm a sinner!  And I love people of all sexual preferences with the same love Jesus has. And I also love chicken.

Moving on...

I had been feeling pretty unsettled about traveling for the adoption.  Secretly (or not) I am slightly relieved to have more time to pack and prepare.  But, part of the preparation is with my kids.  I know I'll never feel like I've spent "enough" time with them before this life changing event.  But, I need to have peace that I've tried.  One of the most amazing things happened last week.  I loaded my four kids into the mini-van and we took a road trip.  Huge thanks go out to my hubby for his support and encouragement to go.  We left on Monday afternoon and arrived in the Chicago area to stay with my very best friend in the world.  We have been friends for YEARS!  (even though we're only 25!) and our kids have been friends since they were babies.  (yes...we forced the friendship at first)

We had a full week of laughter...the kind where you pee your pants a little.

My kids had a blast.  We did the jelly belly tour, saw our old house, went tubing on our friends' boat, and more...

I got to sleep two nights with B and two nights with D-Dog.  We had massive snuggle time and don't even get me started on our actual road trip.  They were so much fun.  They were great during the five hour trip there and five hours back.  We ate junk food and sang way too loud along with the radio.  He'll completely deny it, but D-Dog can sing every word to "Call me Maybe".

It was FUN!  And I felt like I really had the chance to enjoy my kids in a place that hold so many wonderful memories...with people that will forever own a piece of my heart.

Another fantastic element of the trip was connecting with another very close friend.  I am so incredibly blessed to have women in my life both there and here that inspire me!  Our kids picked up and played together as though they'd never been apart.  Although, B experienced his first broken heart as the love of his life (he's been loyally proclaiming his love) informed him that she couldn't be his girlfriend.  So sad.  But, love that I was there to walk him through his first rejection. :(  He's doing better now and he has sworn off dating for a while.  Good idea since he's only 8!

Basically, this trip was exactly what we all needed. (Except for hubby...who was stuck at home working the whole week).  Everyone needs a place where they can recharge their batteries.  This will always be "my place"!

One of my favorite moments of the trip, though, involved my friend Kerri's 11 year old daughter.  Kerri and I were talking about the upcoming adoption and she was asking me how I was feeling.  I told her that the reality was settling in that I was about to become the mom of FIVE children.  I'm a little nervous about being able to be a good mom to all of those little lives.  As I shared my concerns and worries about our expanding family, Kerri's daughter looked at me, smiled and said, "ehhhh, Four is For Quitters!"  It hit me in a funny way and I still can't stop laughing when I remember it.  Yes.  In this family, "four is for quitters."  And I'm no quitter!  So, I'll pack my bags, kiss my children, and take a plane half a globe away to give the beautiful gift of family to a sweet little girl.

Enjoy a few pics from the week. :)

Free Jelly Bellies with every tour!

the "quitter" comment came from the silly girl on the left!

My beautiful friend, Kerri!

LOVE these girls!!!!!

A tree full of amazing kids!

My dear friend, Jenny!

The girl B  has loved for years...

Plan A...not so much~!

Well, Plan A would have us leaving tomorrow for China.  In the words of our agency caseworker, "Plan A is just not an option anymore."  In a sad turn of events, we found out that our daughter's civil affairs office didn't receive the information that we had been granted approval for travel.  So...we have to delay travel until after school starts here.
I'm a little conflicted.  I'm going to be honest.  The trip was coming together so fast that I felt anxious and overwhelmed with the details.  We were so busy putting everything together that I began to feel guilty about not spending enough time with the boys.  I was going to have to drop a lot of responsibilities on grandparents and miss out on getting them ready for school.
The delay means more waiting for Esther.  But, it also means more one-on-one with the kids here.  I'm hoping the delay will translate into a more relaxed exodus from our home in a few weeks.

However, looking at this reminds me that we are getting close to travel!  Look at the PINK!  and the DOLLS!!! :)

And then I start thinking about a little girl that was given a name by an official.  She is alone in the world...no family.  But then God collides the lives of the lonely and the family.  And the result is a picture of His redemption.  She has a family!  She has a name!  And not just ANY name.  Her name is Esther.  She is named after a woman in the Bible that was also an orphan.  Her namesake was grafted into a family (ummm,, the KING'S family) and God used her to save her people.  We're not royalty and we're certainly not thinking that our Esther will save the Jews.  :)  But...what does God have in store for her?  Her story will be different...but no less amazing.  Will he use her here in our town?  Or will He someday take her back to her homeland to make a difference for Him?  We have no way of knowing how her story will play out.  But we are incredibly grateful to be able to watch it unfold.  We pray daily for her heart to be open to our family.  We pray daily for her safety and health.  We pray daily that God will equip us to be her parents.  And we pray daily that He will guide us through the next few weeks.

She has a name...lovingly chosen!!!

And she has a room! :)

MY WATER BROKE!!...i think

I couldn't have planned for yesterday to be any more amazing than it was!  My parents were in town and we met my brother and sis-in-law for lunch.  As we were sitting and stuffing onion blossom into our mouths with true abandon, my mom asked me about travel approval. "It is probably too soon to expect it", I said.  "I mean, everything has taken so long in this process.  Since I haven't heard from them yet today, it probably won't come until maybe next week."
As we were finishing up the meal, D-Dog was playing with my phone and he handed it to me.  "You're getting a call, mom."  he said.  As I accepted the phone, my eyes landed on the caller id.  It was the area code of our agency.  Could it be???  So soon???
Our agency confirmed that our TA (travel approval) had arrived in the office and we could now request a consulate appointment.  Unfortunately, in order to get back in time for hubby's work deadline, we have to return by Aug. 12.  So, that means our travel could happen VERY quickly...or be delayed until after his deadline passes.  We are pursuing the "very quickly" route right now.  Our agency has requested consulate dates for Aug. 6-9.  We'll know by Monday morning if we have a confirmed appointment for that week.  If that happens, we will leave next week.  We have so much to do.  I just printed and filled out medical consent forms for our families and we are working through the travel arrangements.  Please continue to pray for this journey.  We trust that God has every detail covered.  And we know He is good.  We just want Him present in EVERYTHING.
Thank you to all of our amazing friends and family. We can't wait to share this next part of the journey with you.  We know exactly how blessed we are to have each of you in our lives!  God has blessed us greatly.  Our hope is that others will see this story and it would prompt them to jump off a cliff and into the faithful arms of God.  Even in the stuff we don't understand, He is there.  Even when it is too dark to see, He is there.  Even in the moments when our minds are spinning and we're freaking out because we are about to change our family forever...He is there!
God has known Esther since her body began to be formed in her mama's body.  I am humbled to think that God's plan for Essie's life includes our family.  It includes YOU.  I, for one, can't wait to see this story unfold!!!
Love you, friends!

One way ticket to Crazyville!

I'm finally going to admit it publicly.  I am LOSING it!  My mind has turned to mush and I can't concentrate on anything.  I've spent so much time on documents, paperwork, timelines, and book reports that I can't seem to focus on anything that isn't adoption related.  We are currently waiting on travel approval.  In about two weeks, we will receive a document that invites us to travel to China and get Esther.  Now, because of the 50,000 details that will need to be ironed out for travel, we won't be able to leave immediately.  More than likely, we'll have to wait to travel until after the first day of school.  So we're looking at gotcha day somewhere around mid-late August.
I feel like I'm in a weird place.  Today, I was cleaning out my closet to donate some clothing for another adoption yard sale and I started thinking through..."what will I wear while we travel?"  I don't want to have to drag around several suitcases...so I have to pack smart.  And those that know me well, will know that this alone, will be a difficult feat.  My dear friend, Kerri, will remember my diaper bags of the past...bursting at the seams...packed with everything necessary to survive in the wild for a year on any continent.  And that was just for an afternoon outing!  I have the tendency to over prepare.

Travel seems so close, but so far away.  And the waiting isn't getting any easier!  Instead, I am over-thinking everything.  I am about to commit a lifetime of love and protection to someone I've never even met.  I know next to NOTHING about this child.  She is a stranger to me.  In her almost two years of life, I've received four pictures of her.  That completely freaks me out!  What if she's awful?  What if she cries all the time?  What if she plays with matches?  What if she never sleeps?  What if she hates us?  What if I'm a terrible mom for a daughter?  I mean, I talk about boogers, and I think farts are funny.      I can build a lego castle that would make you jealous.  But I have no idea what to do with dolls?

Should we have adopted a boy?
Should we have adopted at all?
Is everything going to change?
Will my other kids pay the price?
(insert screaming into pillow here)

I know that this time of year is always challenging.  All the boys are home and the fights outnumber the hours in the day.  My nerves might be slightly challenged right now.  I've got one with major attitude about responsibility.  I've got another one that is either feeling sick or injured most of the day.  I've got one that tries to sleep with me every night and another one that wants me to be his own personal NFL coach.

You know what I feel like doing right now?  Sitting down with two dozen chocolate chip cookies, a gallon of milk and the remaining 70 episodes of "Army Wives" on netflix.  I want to close off the world for a little bit...or at least take a nap and forget.

So yeah...sorry this isn't very cheery!  I don't have any words of inspiration.  I'm pretty empty right now.  I am a mess of emotions lately and I'm feeling terrible about it!  So, if you have scheduled time to hang with me...feel free to bow out gracefully.  LOL  I know I'm crazy!  Or...when you see me.  Just give me a hug and tell me it will be okay.  Tell me that God knows what He's doing and that it is all going to work out.  You and I will both know that you have NO way of actually knowing that...but it will show me that your love for me is unconditional.  'Cause I need you more now than ever before!  Thank you to the people that lovingly stand beside me on this roller coaster!  You know who you are!  'Cause if you look around, you'll find that you're sitting next to me on the crazy train.  And I'll be so grateful to have you there! :)