My dear friend, Bekki, sent me a song link this morning. Have you heard it? It is Kari Jobe's new single, "Steady my heart".
"Even when it hurts
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart"
And boy do I need someone to steady my heart! Lately I feel like I'm on the verge of a heart attack! Every morning when I wake up, I start obsessing about getting "the call" about final approval. And up until yesterday, I was also obsessing about the mail waiting to hear about our grant application. For those of you that haven't heard, we did not receive a grant from Show Hope. That one rocked me a little bit. I think I was really counting on a little help from them to finish out the adoption.
Per my usual response, I started going to a very dark place. Why are we adopting? We could have gone on a really great family vacation! We could have replaced our high mileage van. Why are we choosing all of this heartache? Why am I having to humble myself all the time and ask friends to help us financially pay for this adoption. That isn't easy! I worry about being judged. I worry that people think we are annoying with our fundraising efforts.
I felt so burned yesterday that my attitude spiraled downward.
And yes, I might have turned off the radio when Steven Curtis Chapman came on. :)
Hubby asked me a question in the middle of my rant yesterday. "Would you have felt more supported by God in this if you had received a grant?" My answer: "YES!" I feel like we've fought such an uphill battle through this whole thing. It would have been nice to get a little encouragement that we were doing His will. Between the tornado, the tumor, being forced to change local agencies (to the awful social worker we got) etc...it just felt like too much of a fight. I've seen other adoptions go flawlessly. Why can't ours be like that? Does this mean we aren't supposed to do it? You can imagine that by this point, the pity party was in full swing.
I am human! I am emotional! I am easily swayed! I am easily heartbroken! I am an easy target for the enemy! :(
I need God to steady my heart. For this to be a story of God's amazing redemption, I need to step out of the way and stop getting my feelings hurt. I can't threaten to throw in the towel when the going gets tough. Because this is actually the easy part. I know the hard part will come in a few months when we take a child from an orphanage and begin the joyful and heartbreaking task of making her "ours".
God reminded me of the people that have been supportive in this journey. God has reminded me of His faithfulness in raising the funds exactly when we need them (not too early, not too late). And as D-Dog offered to go to China and retrieve his sister this morning, I remembered that it is their story too. I have to hold onto my resolve for everyone involved...especially Esther! She needs to know that we would walk through fire for her!
And to my husband that hugged me through the latest disappointment...I LOVE you more than you'll ever know! You are my best friend and I am so grateful that we are sharing this crazy life! :)
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
A few of my favorite things...
Well, the blog post I've been rolling around in my head this week is super depressing! I've been consumed with the LONG wait for our final approval for Esther. I have calculated timelines enough lately to qualify as a mathematician! And mostly, I just feel like a big whiner! I've eaten enough chocolate to gain 1,000 lbs and the Margarita mix at the grocery store is looking mighty fine! So, instead of boring you with another whiny post about how impatient i am, I thought I'd refocus on something a little more wonderful!
My mom told me about a home makeover show she had seen on TV recently. She said the mom of the house had someone take photos of the features she loved most on her kids. On an outing to the park (camera in hand, of course!) I grabbed a couple of pics of my kids. The great part about this crafty little endeavor is that I got to spend a little time thinking about each child individually. So, without further adieu... Here are a few of my favorite things:
My mom told me about a home makeover show she had seen on TV recently. She said the mom of the house had someone take photos of the features she loved most on her kids. On an outing to the park (camera in hand, of course!) I grabbed a couple of pics of my kids. The great part about this crafty little endeavor is that I got to spend a little time thinking about each child individually. So, without further adieu... Here are a few of my favorite things:
 |
| This yummy mouth that pulls up at the corners in a mischievous slant... |
 |
| The eyes...are you kidding me???? (oh, and the freckles too!) |
 |
| These cheeks have received over a million kisses from me! Can't get enough! |
 |
| I don't know how to describe this one. I had to capture this entire picture. There is a quiet wisdom here that always startles me a little. He's kind of an old soul! |
Monday, May 7, 2012
Taking the Blame!
Tonight I sat down at the computer desk and noticed a huge mess of correction tape all over a small piece of paper. Whoever got their hands on the small plastic dispenser had some craft-time fun with it. The dispenser was broken and the correction tape was everywhere. As I tried, in vain, to fix it...I ended up covered in the white stuff myself.
My husband was passing by the room and he heard me say, "Who made this mess???" He came in, saw the project and called the three youngest boys in. (The oldest one was at a meeting and an unlikely candidate for the crime)
The three boys came in to the room with their poker faces on. If Mensa recruited based on the ability to sniff out trouble...these three would be top candidates. As Daddy began the interrogation, I was examining their angelic faces trying to read what was happening in those little minds. Were they working out their alibi? Or hashing out a story to throw a brother under the bus.
Finally, sensing that he was getting nowhere (and starting to talk loudly like people do when they are trying to get someone from a different Country to understand English by repeating the same phrase, only LOUDER)
Hubby pulled out the big one:
"Someone made a big mess with the correction tape and used it all up. If that person doesn't tell me the truth right now, you will all be in trouble and EVERYONE will get punished!!!!!"
Noodle and D-Dog latched on to the, "I don't even know what correction tape you are referring to" look. But, B...with crocodile tears in his eyes and a look of desperation yelled out, "I did it!"
"Why did you lie to us, B?" I asked. He just sat on the floor in a ball. He didn't answer. At this point, if you weren't distracted by the utter sadness on B's face, you would notice the other two slinking out of the room slowly. B's theme song was playing loudly ("Going down.....in a blaze of glory!") While the other two were dancing out the door to Michael Jackson's "Smooth Criminal".
I finally asked B..."Did you make the mess and use up all the correction tape?" He started to cry and said, "No. I didn't even touch it." "Then why did you admit to it?" I asked.
" I said I did it because I didn't want my brothers to get punished too." He answered.
My heart started to hurt a little. 'Cause that's what Jesus did for me.
It feels a little more personal when I know that I was the one sneaking out the door avoiding certain death. And, He took my punishment for something He didn't do.
I gave B a hug and told him to please not cover for his delinquent brothers anymore. :)
I found the real culprit and had a discussion with him about not lying and letting someone else take the blame for his mistakes. And the guilty party was required to go get his velcro football wallet and fish out $3 so I could buy new correction tape.
All's well that ends well. (As they say) But, I am left with overwhelming gratitude tonight for the One that took my place.
Do you know Him?
My husband was passing by the room and he heard me say, "Who made this mess???" He came in, saw the project and called the three youngest boys in. (The oldest one was at a meeting and an unlikely candidate for the crime)
The three boys came in to the room with their poker faces on. If Mensa recruited based on the ability to sniff out trouble...these three would be top candidates. As Daddy began the interrogation, I was examining their angelic faces trying to read what was happening in those little minds. Were they working out their alibi? Or hashing out a story to throw a brother under the bus.
Finally, sensing that he was getting nowhere (and starting to talk loudly like people do when they are trying to get someone from a different Country to understand English by repeating the same phrase, only LOUDER)
Hubby pulled out the big one:
"Someone made a big mess with the correction tape and used it all up. If that person doesn't tell me the truth right now, you will all be in trouble and EVERYONE will get punished!!!!!"
Noodle and D-Dog latched on to the, "I don't even know what correction tape you are referring to" look. But, B...with crocodile tears in his eyes and a look of desperation yelled out, "I did it!"
"Why did you lie to us, B?" I asked. He just sat on the floor in a ball. He didn't answer. At this point, if you weren't distracted by the utter sadness on B's face, you would notice the other two slinking out of the room slowly. B's theme song was playing loudly ("Going down.....in a blaze of glory!") While the other two were dancing out the door to Michael Jackson's "Smooth Criminal".
I finally asked B..."Did you make the mess and use up all the correction tape?" He started to cry and said, "No. I didn't even touch it." "Then why did you admit to it?" I asked.
" I said I did it because I didn't want my brothers to get punished too." He answered.
My heart started to hurt a little. 'Cause that's what Jesus did for me.
It feels a little more personal when I know that I was the one sneaking out the door avoiding certain death. And, He took my punishment for something He didn't do.
I gave B a hug and told him to please not cover for his delinquent brothers anymore. :)
I found the real culprit and had a discussion with him about not lying and letting someone else take the blame for his mistakes. And the guilty party was required to go get his velcro football wallet and fish out $3 so I could buy new correction tape.
All's well that ends well. (As they say) But, I am left with overwhelming gratitude tonight for the One that took my place.
Do you know Him?
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Fundraising (HOT TOPIC)
It was recently brought to my attention that fundraising for adoption has a very negative vibe associated with it. To be clear, it wasn't anyone in my "real life". It was talked about on a message board. But, it made me wonder how many others hold that same view. I have to be honest. I sometimes get judgmental when people talk about their money woes, as they turn off their 500 inch TV screen and grab the coach purse on the way out to the Escalade. But, who wouldn't roll their eyes at that? That's just silly. But, what about our situation? Do people roll their eyes at us? Do they say behind our backs, "If they have to fundraise, they shouldn't be adding kids to their family! Don't they already have, like, 20 kids?" When we started this process, we had a whopping zero dollars to kick it off. But, we also have a God that loves orphans and wants them in homes. James 1:27 is another one of my favorite verses. It talks about caring for orphans and widows.
Throughout this $30,000 adventure, God has shown up in amazing ways. I've had some amazing friends that have donated money for some pictures. We've had dear friends send checks. And that tax refund has come in pretty handy. Last weekend, we had a massive garage sale. My dear friend, Sherri, allowed us to host it at her home. Several awesome people in our lives donated things to sell. Over the entire sale, we raised approximately $1,350 to go toward Es!
The next fundraiser on the horizon is a trivia night/dessert auction.
We have applied for grants, and we've cut our spending. All of this in an effort to go after one of God's little ones.
So, as I was reflecting on the fundraising controversy, I came to a very clear conclusion.
We live in a country of extreme wealth. Even the most modest of us are included in the top 5% of wealth in the world. And this won't sink in unless you've actually SEEN true poverty. It is out there!
So, do I feel guilty asking my "wealthy" friends (haha! I know you'll laugh at that one!) for fundraising help? I do not! I would never guilt or force. It is completely voluntary! I am grateful for the amazing people in my life that see it that way.
As I see it, if adoption was more affordable, more people would do it. So, let's take the stigma away from asking for help.
Throughout the fundraising weekend, when I would get tired, or hot, I would think of my sweet Esther sitting in an orphanage. Whatever I was doing, wasn't half as hard as what she was doing.
And if I'm not willing to go out on a limb and ask for help...what then? I can't leave it up to the people that have an extra $50,000 in the bank to adopt Esther! What if nobody goes after her. She will age out of an orphanage. She'll be the sad looking older child waiting for a family because too many people are freaked out about her special needs. Eventually she'll be out on her own and have no one.
OR
I could fundraise a little and let the fantastic people in my life gain some joy in helping to adopt this little girl and give her a family for life. She'll have four protective brothers and she'll never be alone again. We'll see the scars of her special needs and we'll know that every effort was worth her life.
I choose THAT! And hopefully, you would too! :)
So, this puts the issue to bed in my mind. Fundraising for adoption is ok. In fact, it is wonderful. Last week, I was incredibly blessed by the people that helped out. It had the added benefit of strengthening friendships and providing some serious laughs! And it put us $1350 closer to Esther! In fact, my mind is spinning a little right now. Because I'm already thinking of what we'll do when Es is home. Maybe annual fundraisers for other adoptive families...or something that would help others do what we're blessed enough to do. I'll have to keep praying about it.
Love to my peeps! Thanks for reading my crazy rants. :) Hope this is an awesome day!
Throughout this $30,000 adventure, God has shown up in amazing ways. I've had some amazing friends that have donated money for some pictures. We've had dear friends send checks. And that tax refund has come in pretty handy. Last weekend, we had a massive garage sale. My dear friend, Sherri, allowed us to host it at her home. Several awesome people in our lives donated things to sell. Over the entire sale, we raised approximately $1,350 to go toward Es!
The next fundraiser on the horizon is a trivia night/dessert auction.
We have applied for grants, and we've cut our spending. All of this in an effort to go after one of God's little ones.
So, as I was reflecting on the fundraising controversy, I came to a very clear conclusion.
We live in a country of extreme wealth. Even the most modest of us are included in the top 5% of wealth in the world. And this won't sink in unless you've actually SEEN true poverty. It is out there!
So, do I feel guilty asking my "wealthy" friends (haha! I know you'll laugh at that one!) for fundraising help? I do not! I would never guilt or force. It is completely voluntary! I am grateful for the amazing people in my life that see it that way.
As I see it, if adoption was more affordable, more people would do it. So, let's take the stigma away from asking for help.
Throughout the fundraising weekend, when I would get tired, or hot, I would think of my sweet Esther sitting in an orphanage. Whatever I was doing, wasn't half as hard as what she was doing.
And if I'm not willing to go out on a limb and ask for help...what then? I can't leave it up to the people that have an extra $50,000 in the bank to adopt Esther! What if nobody goes after her. She will age out of an orphanage. She'll be the sad looking older child waiting for a family because too many people are freaked out about her special needs. Eventually she'll be out on her own and have no one.
OR
I could fundraise a little and let the fantastic people in my life gain some joy in helping to adopt this little girl and give her a family for life. She'll have four protective brothers and she'll never be alone again. We'll see the scars of her special needs and we'll know that every effort was worth her life.
I choose THAT! And hopefully, you would too! :)
So, this puts the issue to bed in my mind. Fundraising for adoption is ok. In fact, it is wonderful. Last week, I was incredibly blessed by the people that helped out. It had the added benefit of strengthening friendships and providing some serious laughs! And it put us $1350 closer to Esther! In fact, my mind is spinning a little right now. Because I'm already thinking of what we'll do when Es is home. Maybe annual fundraisers for other adoptive families...or something that would help others do what we're blessed enough to do. I'll have to keep praying about it.
Love to my peeps! Thanks for reading my crazy rants. :) Hope this is an awesome day!
 |
| Disclaimer: This was after we closed up and D-Dog was "over it!" They worked so hard the entire weekend for their new sister! I can't wait to tell her how much they loved her even before meeting her...even though D-Dog's face doesn't show it! :) |
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Letting God write the story!
This morning I had the awesome opportunity to speak at a Women's breakfast in a nearby town. The title I picked after a lot of prayer and searching was: Let God Write your Story
To my many amazing Facebook friends that prayed for me, THANK YOU! You know that I just wanted God's truth and the theme of His faithfulness in our lives to shine through. And He was totally faithful. It went well and I got to meet some incredible women. I don't know if they understand how much they encouraged me. Some of them shared their stories of pain and survival. One brave woman shared her distrust of Christians. I prayed on the way home that she would be able to know how much God loves her and her family.
The bottom line is that we all have a story. It is either being written by God or by us. When we write the story, it brings glory to us and we face the temptation of going down a bitter path when crisis hits. But, when God writes our story, it is about His glory and His faithfulness. I hope it didn't come across that I had it all figured out, because I don't. I'm as flawed as they come. But, I cling to Him and the HOPE He offers me. Being a Christian doesn't mean you'll have a perfect life. You can be incredibly obedient and still walk through sadness. But, I believe that God uses those times to grow the character in us and to prepare us for what He created us for. It was a really great morning and I am really honored that they let me share. Looking forward to next weekend at Metro Community Church when we'll get to address the topic of fear.
Have a great day, friends, and spend a few minutes contemplating the story that is being written in your life.
jilly
To my many amazing Facebook friends that prayed for me, THANK YOU! You know that I just wanted God's truth and the theme of His faithfulness in our lives to shine through. And He was totally faithful. It went well and I got to meet some incredible women. I don't know if they understand how much they encouraged me. Some of them shared their stories of pain and survival. One brave woman shared her distrust of Christians. I prayed on the way home that she would be able to know how much God loves her and her family.
The bottom line is that we all have a story. It is either being written by God or by us. When we write the story, it brings glory to us and we face the temptation of going down a bitter path when crisis hits. But, when God writes our story, it is about His glory and His faithfulness. I hope it didn't come across that I had it all figured out, because I don't. I'm as flawed as they come. But, I cling to Him and the HOPE He offers me. Being a Christian doesn't mean you'll have a perfect life. You can be incredibly obedient and still walk through sadness. But, I believe that God uses those times to grow the character in us and to prepare us for what He created us for. It was a really great morning and I am really honored that they let me share. Looking forward to next weekend at Metro Community Church when we'll get to address the topic of fear.
Have a great day, friends, and spend a few minutes contemplating the story that is being written in your life.
jilly
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Harrisburg, Illinois
On Good Friday, we loaded up our family (work boots and all) and got in the car at 5:30am for a 2 1/2 hour drive to Harrisburg, IL. Several weeks ago, Harrisburg was rocked by an F4 tornado that left a path of destruction that you would have to see to believe. I have to admit that I had a hard time sleeping the night before we left. I had no idea what to expect. Would I just stand around and cry? Would there be anything for my youngest kids to do?
When we arrived, we stopped in at the Dorrisville Baptist Church for our instructions. We were led to a work site in an impoverished part of town. Apparently, after "Operation Blessing" pulled out, and Harrisburg was denied Federal funding, they still needed help. Operation Blessing did an amazing job with the immediate needs. But, as new communities are hit with natural disasters, they must move on and help stabilize.
So, on one side of town, there are nice homes (albeit destroyed!) that have adequate insurance and are in the process of bulldozing and rebuilding. Across town, there is an area of smaller homes owned by folks without insurance. This is the area that needed help the most.
We were led to a work site. One of the owners was an elderly man. Several large dumpsters were delivered to our site and we were asked to clean up debris and put it in the dumpsters. The goal is to clear the land of debris, let it turn to pasture, and rebuild something small and affordable for the owners of the land.
I'm just going to say that the experience was amazing! We worked along side others that were there to simply help someone less fortunate. My kids were insane! They hauled shingles, concrete pieces, and other debris for hours. They never complained and my heart was touched as they treated the small treasures they uncovered with deep respect. We remembered our own clean-up. We remembered the wonderful people that helped us walk through that time and we remembered a faithful God that held us through the sadness. It was an amazing opportunity to share the love that had been shared with us. And I won't lie. It felt pretty sweet to come home to our rebuilt home and see through fresh eyes how far we've come in a year!
I heard something really cool today on the radio. The announcer was interviewing a man that wrote a book recounting his own trials. His story was vastly different from ours, but the common denominator was the same.
Pain.
He commented that he felt like God was asking him to be a wounded healer instead of a bitter victim. I let that soak into my heart today. He mentioned that when we experience pain in life, we have the option to choose either way. But, staying in our bitterness or questioning God is a slap in the face to Him. He has given us HOPE. I can recall all of the ways God has been hope to us in our darkness. Therefore, we have the great opportunity to take that pain and use it to help someone else in their healing. That made so much sense to me. Something bad happened to our family...but we don't have to stay there. We had the joy of seeing God bring HOPE into our lives through His provision, the love of family and friends and the truth that we carry in our hearts.
So, going to Harrisburg was an obvious choice. That doesn't make us amazing. That doesn't make us cool (although, we do look pretty gangsta in our family pic above)
It just makes us ordinary people that are excited to share the Hope we have in Christ. My prayer is that the beneficiaries of the work we did will see that same hope and that it will change their lives!
My challenge to you (because we all have our own painful stories...)is to look deep into your story and see the ways you've been given grace and love and hope. Be a wounded healer. Use the hope that has lifted you from the deep and use it to give someone else that same hope. You might be the only person they can identify with. You might be the one to encourage someone else. Use your story for good. :) And if you want to join us on our next adventure...just let me know. :) We'd be happy to have you along!!!
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Cross that bridge when you get to it...
Apparently "B" hasn't had enough quality time with me lately. He scheduled an episode of strep two weeks ago and he injured his foot yesterday. Hubby and I had a
I'm not going to actually say that I was hoping for a break...because that would be TERRIBLE mothering. But, I kind of wanted to be right. You know...the whole, "I'm more in tune with our kids than you are" thing???
As it turns out, Hubby was right and I paid $50 bucks for a Phineas and Ferb sticker. B asked me to buy him an iced tea (half cut)-who is this kid??? Of course, I said, "NO!" and then he gently reminded me how brave he was during the x-rays and I turned the car toward McDonalds. And then we got home and he went running out into the yard for a water gun fight with the neighbors. In his defense, he really does have an injury. Right foot is very swollen and bruised. But, the water gun fight looked super awkward as he hopped through the yard trying to avoid the spray of water. It was very UN-matrix like.
You know...sitting in the dr. office waiting on the results put me in a very reflective mood. I thought about how we all deal with pain differently. And I'm not talking about physical pain. I'm pushing the button of emotional pain. I thought about how our symptoms don't always point to the real culprit. I thought about how hard it is to see some injuries...they are just too deep. But, I do know people that are hobbling through life right now. Does it make it worse when we don't deal with the pain? I don't have the answers. No, wait...I do. I remember a time when I was wounded. I had given so much of myself away that I was eventually numb to the pain. But, I did hit a breaking point. I did hit bottom. And thankfully when I hit it, I wasn't alone. I know that God changed my life. He gave me grace. He made me new. The old me, the broken and bruised me, is dead. Today, I am living a crazy full life. Yes. Bad things still happen in my life. But, I have a peace that I had never experienced before. I know that God has my back and I know that He works all things (even the crap) together for my good.
Easter is approaching. I don't feel like I'm being real if I don't tell you that I am a Christian...unashamed and in love with Christ. Easter may be linked to the Easter bunny and chocolate (cadbury eggs? yes, please!) But, for me, it is all about the cross. That cross was the bridge from my old life to my new life. It is the reason that I can confidently tell my kids that I'll never break my promise to love and stay married to their dad. It is the reason that I can withstand the storms of life. It is the reason that I can walk the road of adoption and welcome one more little person into my home.
I was broken and the cross healed me.
If any of you ever feel like you want to cross that bridge too, say something to me. I will totally let you lean on me as you hop across. :)
Big love to the readers tonight. Have a wonderful week, everybody!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)