Steady my Heart

My dear friend, Bekki, sent me a song link this morning.  Have you heard it?  It is Kari Jobe's new single, "Steady my heart".

"Even when it hurts
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart" 


And boy do I need someone to steady my heart!  Lately I feel like I'm on the verge of a heart attack!  Every morning when I wake up, I start obsessing about getting "the call" about final approval.  And up until yesterday, I was also obsessing about the mail waiting to hear about our grant application.  For those of you that haven't heard, we did not receive a grant from Show Hope.  That one rocked me a little bit.  I think I was really counting on a little help from them to finish out the adoption.  
Per my usual response, I started going to a very dark place.  Why are we adopting?  We could have gone on a really great family vacation!  We could have replaced our high mileage van.  Why are we choosing all of this heartache?  Why am I having to humble myself all the time and ask friends to help us financially pay for this adoption.  That isn't easy!  I worry about being judged.  I worry that people think we are annoying with our fundraising efforts.  
I felt so burned yesterday that my attitude spiraled downward.  
And yes, I might have turned off the radio when Steven Curtis Chapman came on. :)
Hubby asked me a question in the middle of my rant yesterday.  "Would you have felt more supported by God in this if you had received a grant?"  My answer:  "YES!"  I feel like we've fought such an uphill battle through this whole thing.  It would have been nice to get a little encouragement that we were doing His will.  Between the tornado, the tumor, being forced to change local agencies (to the awful social worker we got) etc...it just felt like too much of a fight.  I've seen other adoptions go flawlessly.  Why can't ours be like that?  Does this mean we aren't supposed to do it?  You can imagine that by this point, the pity party was in full swing.


I am human!  I am emotional!  I am easily swayed!  I am easily heartbroken!  I am an easy target for the enemy! :(


I need God to steady my heart.  For this to be a story of God's amazing redemption, I need to step out of the way and stop getting my feelings hurt.  I can't threaten to throw in the towel when the going gets tough.  Because this is actually the easy part.  I know the hard part will come in a few months when we take a child from an orphanage and begin the joyful and heartbreaking task of making her "ours".  


God reminded me of the people that have been supportive in this journey.  God has reminded me of His faithfulness in raising the funds exactly when we need them (not too early, not too late).  And as D-Dog offered to go to China and retrieve his sister this morning, I remembered that it is their story too.  I have to hold onto my resolve for everyone involved...especially Esther!  She needs to know that we would walk through fire for her!  
And to my husband that hugged me through the latest disappointment...I LOVE you more than you'll ever know!  You are my best friend and I am so grateful that we are sharing this crazy life! :)