Bitterness

What makes me bitter?

Winter!  Does anyone like this season?

Seeing a tube of make-up that would make my face look like a supermodel, but knowing I'd have to quit feeding the kids if I started using it.

Ummmm, size 0 jeans!  

People that can wear size 0 jeans! :)

People that spend money on crap like flat screens, new cars, iPads,  etc... and claim they have no money.

Adoption obstacles.

Anyone that doesn't have adoption obstacles.

Feeling taken advantage of.

How every time I look at my body, I can pick out 148 flaws in four seconds.

The clock.  I am now consistently late everywhere.  And it isn't because I want to make an entrance.  I just can't get myself organized enough to leave on time.

My hair.  Mostly because i'm having a bad hair day.  But, also because I am now acutely aware of the beautiful long thick hair everywhere around me.

Sweat!  There is no deodorant that will work for me.

Crappy self esteem.  I have no confidence in most of what I do.  If you compliment me on something, I'll be thinking...there are 15 people that could do it better.

Do you know what is so sad about my list?  It was written by my very poor view of myself.  I could spend hours telling YOU why YOU are a beautiful and perfect creation...made for a purpose.  But, if you say it to me, I'll immediately dismiss it.  Why is that?  Does anyone else do that?

Ask me what makes me want to fight?  It isn't any of those things.  Or else, I'd go on a diet, get organized, and grow my hair out.

What makes me fight are the real injustices in the world.  People that hurt kids are at the top of that list.  So, how can there be such a disconnect in me?  How can I hold on to bitterness and move forward toward the purposes of Christ.  

I'm super disappointed in myself.  I know that part of the reason I'm feeling a disconnect from God right now is because of my bitterness.  I feel like a teenager getting ready to run out the door for school in a short skirt and a tube top. (haha...no, not really!)  My dad would have said, "Are you kidding me?  Go look in the mirror and then change your clothes.  You can't go out like that!"  

Why?  Because, I'd be distracting.  I'd be sending the WRONG message.  And, I'd be putting myself at risk (of ridicule!)

Lately, I feel like I've been trying to run out the door toward God's opportunities and I've been dressed in bitterness.  I can almost hear Him say, "Young lady...go look in the mirror and then change your clothes.  You can't go out like that!"

Why?  Because I'd be distracting.  I'd be sending the WRONG message.  And, I'd be putting myself at risk (of being led astray!)

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."  Ephesians 4:31-32

This is what the Bible tells me.  Get rid of the bitterness.  My heart needs to be filled with love...and only love.  This is what I aspire to.  This is the heart that I am asking Christ to give me.  

Father, I am asking you to shatter the bitterness within me.  I am asking you to rebuild my heart with the pieces of you that will show only compassion for others.  I am so humbled when I see how far I have to go to be like you.  But, I am filled with hope when I see the way you've moved in the hearts of people around me.  You change lives.  You change hearts.  And you keep us moving on the path you've prepared us for.  Please show me in a loving way that you have created me with a purpose.  That the ideals I hold in my mind for what I should look like...or how my life should go, would be transformed.  Please help me to see myself the way that you see me and help me never to forget that without you, I am nothing!

Please forgive me for the bitterness I've held onto.  Please blanket me with your peace!  And please give me the strength and desire to run after the things that matter to you and encourage others as they do the same...never comparing our journeys...but holding them up in prayer to you!

All my heart, 

your daughter,

jill