Wrestling

I love to wrestle with my children.  Since they are all boys, I know that they love it too.  Usually, I include added torture like kissing, as I have in this picture.  Photo credit goes to Z for this one.  When I wrestle with my kids, we are usually all laughing...they are threatening to pee on me as I tickle them mercilessly.  And it usually ends up with us all breathless on the floor giggling and a little guarded that the wrestling will shortly ensue again.
Right now, I am involved in a wrestling match that is not fun.  I do not love it.   It is with someone that once saved my life.  It is with someone that I've made a promise to devote my whole heart and life to.  So, you can see why this is such a predicament for me.  How do you wrestle with someone you love more than life while you are holding onto anger and bitterness toward them?  I've searched for a book to help guide me through this.  But, this is so personal.  How could anyone know what I'm feeling?  How could anyone understand the ramifications for the decision I make at the end of this wrestling match.  You see, when the dust settles, I will be left standing alone on the mat.  I'll either be holding my faith (as beat up as it is) or I'll be holding bitterness.  I know that those are the only two possible outcomes.  My wrestling match is with God.  I know that sounds either really brave or really stupid of me!  But I'm mad at him.  I don't understand him.  I keep throwing the questions of my heart toward him.  Adoption was your will, God.  You clearly opened doors for us.  But now, we are left with a mess of wood for a home.  We can't finish our homestudy.  And now....late breaking news...China has changed their policies for homestudy agencies.  And because of the tornado and the destruction of our home...we will not make the deadline for these changes with China.  What do I do with that?  So does that mean adoption wasn't your will for us?  Or was it, but you changed your mind?  I pray for my children all the time.  Why are they having to deal with the emotional trauma of this event?  Over a month later, and we've had two...count them...two good nights of sleep.
Yes.  I've wrestled with some very difficult questions regarding my faith lately.  I've struggled more lately than ever before.  And God has brought some faithful friends into my path to remind me that it is okay to throw my angry questions at God.  But at the end of the day, He is still......I AM.  Those two words that He told Moses, when asked whom Moses should say sent him to fight for the Israelites. 
In my search for a book to help me, it is interesting that the book I landed on is the Bible.  I remembered a Beth Moore study I did a few years ago.  I remembered that there was a similar story to mine where someone else had a wrestling match with God.  So, last night I looked it up.  Here is what it says.  Genesis 32
²² That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two female servants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. ²³ After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. ²⁴ So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. ²⁵ When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. ²⁶ Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”    But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
 ²⁷ The man asked him, “What is your name?”
   “Jacob,” he answered.
 ²⁸ Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel,^[f] because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”
 ²⁹ Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”
   But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there.
 ³⁰ So Jacob called the place Peniel,^[g] saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”

What can I learn from this situation?
Jacob's name meant deceiver, or cheater.  Remember that he had stolen the blessing that his brother should have received.  During this struggle, Jacob held on until the blessing.  He did not give up.  In the end, he realized that he was wrestling with God.  And he held on until God blessed him...with an honest blessing.  God gave him a new name....and a blessing.  I looked back in my workbook and saw a quote that fit my situation perfectly.  "Few things define us more than how we struggle.  When we struggle through the crisis with God all the way to the blessing, we are gloriously redefined."
That is how I want my story to read.  I want my children, my family, and my friends to know that I wrestle with God.  I am honest with my fear and my anger.  But, I now see that the key to getting to the other side whole and with faith intact is to stay on the mat...keep fighting.  So, I resolve to keep fighting.  I will reverently honor God and what he has done for me.  But, I know that wrestling is okay as long as I stay in the fight.  My dear friend reminded me yesterday that the enemy would love nothing more than for me to give up and give in.  He will not win.  I know how my story ends.  In the end... LOVE WINS.