Yesterday I had a rare moment alone in my home. I found myself surrounded by power tools and buckets of "mud" for the walls. I keep saying that I'm worried about how the kids will feel going back to that house. But the truth is, I'm the one that's worried. I'm afraid that it will never feel like home again. I'm afraid I will never feel safe again. I should probably be excited about the beautiful remodeling. But I find myself wistful when I look at pictures of our home before the tornado. I wasn't in love with my flooring. But I was in love with my security. I loved knowing that even though the world was crazy outside, inside...nothing changed. Yesterday, I stood at the window and looked out at the sky above the lot across the street. I tried to imagine what it must have looked like as the tornado barreled toward us in the dark and we were scrambling to save our children. That view out my windows was the thing that first drew me to this home. I could see trees and wide open sky. I thought it was beautiful then. I don't feel that way anymore. Instead, I found myself almost willing my brain to remember all of the good moments. I tried to remember the things I've actually seen out my window. Things like my children playing, neighbors gathering, sidewalk chalk spelling out, "I love you!" and the way the sun feels when it comes streaming through my windows. These are the things I need to focus on. I have no idea how I'll really feel when we fall asleep for the first time in the same rooms we fled from on February 27. But, I do know that we'll quote our favorite scripture, pray for God's protection, and rest in His arms. 'Cause He walks with us...even through the crap.
I'm not trying to minimize or trivialize, but isn't your hope that "inside...nothing changed," still true for you and your family?
ReplyDeleteI know your hearts and minds have been "changed" by this terrible tragedy, but in many ways you are still the close-knit, loving and loved by God family you were before the storm, right? At least that's what I see, looking from the outside in.
I hope you see that my heart in all of this is not to question your feelings but to offer a bit of comfort and affirmation.
My prayers are with you all!
I do worry that people will grow weary of my post-tornado ramblings. This is simply a place for me to express the thoughts in my head. No one has to read or understand. But, inside...many things have changed. And unless you live in my home and see the inner workings, you wouldn't understand. My husband is stressed and tired which means we have to struggle even more to connect. We have kids in therapy just so they can build the courage to go to the bathroom alone again. No one sleeps anymore. It is true that we love each other very much and we ARE leaning on God to carry us through. But, I'm not one to gloss over the junk on the way to the blessing.
ReplyDeleteYour posts makes me want to find peace and comfort for you! Its difficult for someone to understand and comprehend when their "normal" has NOT been ripped from them in 45 seconds of sheer terror! Our home was not ripped apart, our home stands. Its so easy to walk through life with the thought "It won't happen to me" or even, "well at least it wasn't us". In so many faucets of life, we are able to exercise control. Until we are placed in a situation where we have no control, do we realize how incredibly scary life can really be!
ReplyDeleteMy own children are traumatized more than I realized! My children saw in 60 seconds that "it could be us", 50 feet away, they saw a roof ripped off, a bleeding mommy, four children who were absolutely traumatized. That don't go away over night!
I don't find it difficult to count my blessings, but I do find difficulty in understanding why God chose those he did. Everything is NOT as it was. It will never be as it was. Your security, your safe haven. You have to find that again! You will, I have faith! Until then, I'm here for you! (Well, I'm always here for you, even when you find peace again!:)
xoxoxoxo & prayers!
Hey, I know that picture!!!!! I love you, Jill.
ReplyDeleteWanted to tell you Es is doing a state report for school. She chose Illinois. In a box she had to put then things from Illinois. She chose, among other things, a clipart of a tornado, a photograph of your family, and a photo of "our bedroom" without a roof/ceiling.
Hi Jill-
ReplyDeleteThis post was so profound to me. You described so much how I felt after my car accident. I missed (and still do miss) my pre-accident body. Even though I didn't really LOVE my body (what woman does??), after I lost most function I realized how much I did love my non-paralyzed body. Part of my emotional healing was mourning and dealing w/ that loss. I see pictures of myself sometimes and think "Wow- I looked really awesome!" And now I have to concentrate to remember what it felt like not to be paralyzed.
Anyway, you know I continue to pray for you guys as you wade through this craziness. And please DON'T gloss over the junk. God meets us and heals us in our suffering and woundedness. Love and prayers to you as you peer through your new windows.
Love- Kari