She's got the whole world in her hands

Last night there was a baseball game.

It played in the background...like a soundtrack in a movie.

I cannot recount for you any of the details of the game because I missed the entire thing.

I can, however, tell you what went down in front of the screen.

Birthday party planning for a child that has been 10 shades of emotional.  Half the time she is saying, "Happy Irtday coming" and the other half of the time she is crying and telling me not to sing "happy birthday to you" at her party.  All of this is peppered with the constant phrase, "no bye bye, mama!"

Local law enforcement was on the case pointing out the wrong doings of the rest of the clan.  This one believes in citizen arrests.  Which leads to SCREAMING!

E.M.O.T.I.O.N.A.L middle schooler...  (yeah...that's all I'll say about that)

"Mom, I REALLY want to write a book about Abraham Lincoln.  I need to do it RIGHT NOW.  What do you know about him?  Do you have any pictures from his life?"  (ummmm, for realz?)

"Mom, I peed in my bed last night.  I forgot to tell you."

"Mom?  Are you picking me up from basketball?"

"The dog ran away again."

"WHO STOLE MY RAINBOW LOOM NECKLACE??????"  (accusing all siblings!)

"Hey mom, Tomorrow is generational day at school.  I need an old man costume." (at 9:30pm)

"I'm out of lunch money."  "I forgot to turn in my homework"  "I hit my head on a brick outside, am I bleeding?"  "I need help on my homework."  "I'm supposed to read this to you."

"WHAT'S FOR DINNER?"

And to top it all off, because my daughter has spina bifida and lacks the ability to get her poo out by herself, it was time for her enema...which she totally loves...NOT!

You might be thinking, "Isn't she married?  Where is her husband in all of this?"  While he is an EXCEPTIONAL partner in all of this madness, he is also incredibly busy keeping the food and shelter thing going.

The thing is, when it finally got quiet...and all of the people were in bed...

I snuck up and walked into their rooms.  I leaned over and kissed all five foreheads.  I thought about how important each life is.  And I realized that if their chaos disappeared, my heart would die.

Baseball doesn't have the same effect on me. :)

So, tonight while the Cards and Sox face off again, I will no doubt be entrenched in the same brand of crazy.  But, I am blessed with perspective.  I know the days are long and the years are short.

Thank you, God, for the little people in my life!

Obedience!

I have noticed a resounding theme lately.  I'm pretty sure there is a reason that the topic of obedience keeps cropping up.  For me, obedience is a tricky issue.  In my heart, I WANT to do what God wants me to do.  But, the act of following in faith is not always easy.  And I'll be honest.  I often look at the price tag first.  In this way, I am just like my dog.  Yes.  My dog!  He has ONE trick, people.  We have tried over and over to teach him some fancy new stuff.  But, he prefers to stick to what he knows.  He knows how to shake.  He lifts his cute little paw up for a shake and waits excitedly for a treat.  I have given this trick a slightly different slant by calling it a "high-five" sometimes...just so it looks like my dog has two tricks instead of one.  But lets be honest...he's not an overachiever.

And yet...he comes at me all slobbery and growly begging for a treat.  I walk him to the pantry, pull out a bone and without being asked, he sticks that paw up in the air in anticipation.  He is super proud of this trick.  I'm sure there is a smile there underneath the large teeth.

So....can I have one?

NAILED IT!!!!!!..........AGAIN!

And...DONE!

But here's the problem.

I don't want to be my dog.

When God tries to teach me something new...I want to learn.  I want to try, even if it is new, scary, and I could possibly fail.  I don't want Him to look at me and say, "Child, there is so much more I want to teach you, but you HAVE. TO. FOLLOW. ME!

When we were pursuing Esther through adoption, I was completely unsettled.  I don't necessarily like that feeling.  But, when I am unsure, it allows God to show that He IS sure.  He isn't asking me to know everything already.  He isn't leaving me out there alone.  He has promised to walk with me every step.  And He has gone a step further and told me in His word that he is EXPECTING me to try new, crazy and radical things for Him.

Ephesians 2:10
"For we are God's masterpiece.  He has created us new in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago."

I want to be obedient.  I want to drop the excuses like:  I'm too busy, too tired, too old, too crabby, too broken, too scarred, too scared.

I feel like God is asking me to get on board with something He wants to do.  It sounds insane to me and it makes perfect sense.  I feel like God is asking me to look into buying a house and setting it up for 2-3 young single moms and their kiddos.  It would be a safe, non-sketchy, place to have "HOME" where I would throw resources in such as: parenting help, cooking classes, family nights, financial planning, etc...  It would be a safe place to get on your feet while learning family skills that might not have been part of your own childhood package.

And when I say that I feel like God is asking me to do it, I mean...God is telling me to do it, people!  So, once again, I find myself in a situation that is uncomfortable and scary.  Ummm, first of all...I don't have money to buy a house.  And I know that this plan will require people with skills I don't possess.  But, I am committing to pray about it and see what doors God opens with it.

It would be a lot easier for me to say, "Here, God...here is my paw shake!  I can do that one really well!  Why do you want me to learn to roll over?"  God loves my paw shake.  He taught me how to do it.  But, He showed me that human obstacles are nothing to the King that can move mountains for His family.  So He wants to ask something new of me.

Friends, I know there are so many of you that have been loyal readers.  I know it is because you see your own journey in these words.  I hope I can adequately express the struggle and the victory.  Today I am asking that you would join with me in prayer.  I can't do anything great without God and YOU!  Please pray for God's direction in this.  I am hesitant to put this out there, because then I can't hide it in my heart any longer.

But life is short.  And I'm no longer interested in the tiny treat.
My heart's desire is to just obey the master!

Unhinged!

Yes!  last night I lost it!  Unhinged doesn't even cover it!  I'm pretty sure I started yelling about socks littering the floor, pee all over the bathroom, book bags and lunch boxes strangling the life out of my very bones.

Oh, who was I yelling at?  Anyone that would listen.  Which left me and my tirade alone in the kitchen.  All the smart people jumped ship and ran to their rooms.  Except my poor husband.  He grabbed the mop bucket in a brave attempt to end my one act play.  Way to take one for the team, honey!

Have you ever had the feeling that you KNEW you were acting crazy and that you'd regret it in four minutes...but you kept going anyway?  Yeah...that was me!

Of course, I knew why I was acting crazy!  It was carefully explained to me a few hours earlier.  Chaos...Noise...

My life is full of it.

Some of it should be kept and some of it should exit the building.  (I know what you're thinking....and the kids get to stay!)

But, I have to say...when I shamefully descended from my soapbox, there were words of truth running through my head.

Matthew 11:28-30

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Those were the words Jesus offered.

And last night, they were my lifeline.  

I am weary.  I am tired.  I need rest.

Do you need rest?  

I want to invite you to be my guest this morning.  I'll even serenade you with a lovely song when you get there.  Well, rock and roll song is first...slow refreshing song is last. ;)

Come and find out the key to real REST!  

Metro Community Church
9am and 10:45am today
www.metrocommunitychurch.com

I can't wait to see you.  And if you have a surefire solution to bathrooms that smell like the urinal at Busch Stadium, PLEASE, people...stop holding out on me!!!!!

Love and all that stuff,

jill

How can you bring a child into this crazy world?

This was the question I heard multiple times immediately after the September 11th attacks.  Interestingly, I was also seven months pregnant at the time.  I understood the question, but I couldn't help but think, "ummm, give birth.  Cause this beast isn't staying in here forever!".

We all have our own memories of that day.  But, most of them are grounded in fear and sadness.  Too many innocent people died.  Too many lives were changed.  And none of us knew what was coming down the pike.

To be honest, I WAS afraid of bringing another child into a world where planes fly into buildings.  I mean, isn't it bad enough that I have to worry about cancer, and car accidents, and fires, and child molesters.  Now I have to worry about terrorists?????

It is easy to lose perspective.

And what about the lives that were shattered like fragile glass?  How do you pick up the pieces and move forward when you lose a loved one?  I wouldn't even dream of speaking about the path that many people were forced to travel on that day twelve years ago.

But I will speak to the original question.  How can I bring a child into this crazy world?  The past twelve years have provided me with the answer to that.  I eventually gave birth (amidst the fear and subsequent War that followed) to a healthy 9 lb, 9 oz baby boy.  He is a gentle giant.  He has eyes that light up a room, a smile that would melt the ice caps, and a heart that is unmatched.  He is smart, calm, athletic, and loving.

A couple of years ago, two of the boys were playing in the backyard when they were stung by wasps.  My gentle giant came running in to tell me what happened, and while I was screaming and spinning in circles...trying to remember the phone number for 911, I looked over and saw my sweet N!  He was on the couch with his head down and his hands tightly folded...praying!

I have seen him give up his favorite blanket to a brother whose own blankie didn't survive the tornado.  I've seen him fight for the underdog, stand up for what's right and most recently, walk a single mama and her babies out to the car in the rain after church.  There are no words for what I felt in my heart as I saw this now 5'4" young man hold the umbrella carefully over four precious lives.

The answer is:  THIS child adds beauty.  He adds beauty to a fallen and sinful and crazy world.  He makes it a better place.

I am fortunate to know so many more children just like him.  Four others live in my home.  They show me joy, they show me purpose, and they show me what true love looks like.

beauty in a crazy world...

Jesus, love, and same sex marriage? Oh my!

While driving home from a trip a couple of weeks ago, I heard a great lesson from our pastor.  He was talking about how Jesus is "friend of sinners", and how we need to get "out of the salt shaker, and onto the meat." 

 The non-food translation is this: 

 Jesus has some expectations of us.  

If our lives have been changed, and we know it...we are supposed to share that love with the world.  We could easily stay in our safe little bubble and block MTV (what??? OK!  We can't afford cable.  Our kids eat too much food!)  Or, keep our kids from "those WORLDLY people." And only attend church functions with church people with church smiles, and church clothes.  Except...Jesus had a word for those people and it wasn't "homies."  It was Pharisees.  The problem with excluding yourself from the world is that you might start forgetting that you were the "world" too.  Judging others might get a little more comfortable.  And your heart might stop beating for people with broken hearts and empty places...and beat instead for  your own glory.

So, as soon as the teaching was over, I shut down the Metro App (No, i didn't get paid for that plug) and I opened up my messages.  I sent a text to our pastor's wife.  

"I was listening to Paul's message, and the thought hit me...if Jesus is friend of sinners, and I'm supposed to be salt to a decaying world...Would Jesus go to a gay wedding?" I simply asked.

Her response:  "You are the most random person I know!  That's why I love you.  But, Paul is sitting right here.  I asked him your question and he said...."

I know!  Right?  WHAT DID HE SAY?  Well, I'm sure if you ask him, he will give you the same answer he gave me.  But, since I didn't ask his permission to share...I'm conflicted on whether or not I should share it.  So I won't tell you what he said.  I will just say that he gave a one word response and it rhymes with "bless".

Let me stop you right there.  Before you start thinking we've all gone off the deep end and wondering how long it will be before my husband sees my blog and demands that I remove it and all the controversial content included...please hear this.

On Wednesday night, the church (that's the people, not the building) got together to collectively pray and remember what a sacrificial gift we were given through Jesus and the cross.  If you were there, you know that it was a very powerful night.  God was present.  And I had the best seat in the house.  I had the privilege of looking out at a sea of faces while we worshipped with complete abandon.  Do you know what I saw?  I saw beauty.  I saw a group of redeemed people.  I saw love, and acceptance, and love and grace.  I saw hands lifted in surrender, and praise, and gratefulness.  And did I mention LOVE?

I couldn't hold back tears while singing the words, "Oh praise the ONE who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead."

I was DEAD!  And now I'm beautifully alive.  All of the dark and broken parts of me found purpose when Jesus became my life.  I see things in a whole new way.  I don't see a same sex marriage debate.  I see people...that are completely loved by God.  I see that I have no room to stand in judgement because I was once the convicted.  When you remember your place in the courtroom, it humbles you.  And your heart starts to open up to the possibility that maybe...just maybe...you don't have to KNOW everything.  And that the only thing that is required of you is...love.  "Love your neighbor as yourself...unless they struggle with something that isn't Biblical."  NO.  It simply says "love your neighbor as yourself". (Matthew 22:36-40)

I feel a little silly now that I asked Paul that question.  Of course Jesus would go to a same sex wedding.  He would go because it would be an opportunity to shine light into darkness and share the love God has for His people.  He would go there in the same way he met a woman at the well, and kept adulterers from being stoned, and ate dinner with tax collectors, and on and on.

The better question is this:  Would someone in a same sex relationship come to my church.  Would they feel loved?  I sure hope the answer to that question is yes.  Because if its not yes, then you might not find Jesus there either.

Food for thought...

Shocking!

My home is filled with "envelope pushers"  These people range in age from two to fourteen.  I may not have them twerking on my kitchen table (yet) but they love to see how far they can take something before mom or dad shuts it down.

Enter Miley Cyrus.  That girl is all anyone can talk about this week.  Quite simply, I think we are giving her too much attention.  What is the old adage?  Even bad attention is attention...
Yes.  I added one to the ticker when I googled the VMAs out of curiosity.  I'm only human, people.

I'll tell you what I saw.  I saw a girl trying to be shocking.

And that's all!  She'll just be an archived story some day.

All of the parent groups getting worked up about her influence over our kids are wasting their time.  Every generation has one of these.  In my day, it was Madonna.

In my opinion, it requires a 15 minute talk...TOPS about how we shouldn't twerk in public with guys the same age as our dads.  Or, you could take my route and just not have MTV in the house.  I know...that is shocking too! ;)

In my opinion, THIS picture should be getting more attention.

Why isn't my facebook feed FILLED with blogposts about Syria?  Why are we more concerned over a misguided girl than the murder of children??????  This is shocking to me.  This breaks my heart!  Our president is putting together a plan to deal with this social injustice.  Do we realize what this means?  I don't know about you, but I'd rather spend time talking with my children about how to make a difference in ways that count.  My babies are waking up in a safe home, with plenty of food, security, and hope for their future.  Not all children are so fortunate!

Can we stop talking about a silly girl with oversized teddy bears and focus on what really matters?  People are DYING!  Sweet little boys in soft pajamas were gassed to death as they slept.  This is the stuff that should occupy our thoughts.

I think that instead of writing a "letter to Miley" I'll write a letter to the lost children of Syria.
I'll tell them that I'm sorry their lives were cut short.  I'm sorry they will never go to college, or get married, or have kids of their own.  I'm sorry that while I was sitting in comfort, they were becoming casualties of a fallen world.

There is a difference between silly and shocking.  Do you see it?

Look past the first glance...

Today I will tell you about one of my biggest sins.  

I judge by first appearances.

And it is usually fueled by my insecurity.

We were at my grandmother's 80th birthday party today.  My very large family was there and we were mingling and catching up.  As I was caught up in conversation, I glanced over and my eyes landed on someone I hadn't met yet.  This particular girl is dating a cousin of mine and though I'd seen pictures of her, I'd never stood in the same room with her.  

She is beautiful!

And suddenly, I felt less than beautiful.  My skirt felt a little too frumpy, my hair felt a little too frizzy, my skin morphed into acne land, and all the flaws bubbled to the surface.  So naturally, I didn't want to like her.  In fact, I decided on the spot that I wouldn't even engage her in conversation.  After all, she had a golden glow, flowing locks, and the hippest clothing in the building.  What would we even have in common?  I was dripping with sweat and trying to keep a two year old from destroying the birthday cake.

And then Jesus called me aside.  

He does that sometimes when I'm acting ugly.  When He sees that my heart is not all that pure...he calls me out.

"She's one of my kids", He urged.  "She's in a room full of people that she doesn't know and you have the chance to welcome her and include her."

"Represent me!" he whispered!  

"I am patient, I am kind. I do not envy.  I do not boast.  I am not proud.  I do not dishonor others.  I am not self-seeking.  I am not easily angered.  I keep no record of wrongs.  I do not delight in evil.  But I rejoice with the truth.  I always protect, always trust, always hope and always persevere."  

"Now go represent me!"

And so I did.

Because I love Jesus.

And because I want to love what Jesus loves.

I started a conversation.  And guess what.  She is LOVELY!  But even if she had been terrible, obedience would have been required.  It turns out that we have a lot in common.  We are both teachers and we both love kids.  We grew up in towns very close to each other and had a wonderful conversation.  I hope she becomes a permanent member of the family soon.  I think she would be a fantastic addition.  But I wouldn't have ever known that if I had allowed my sinful heart to rule.  When I put my insecurity to the side, I was able to see that while this girl is beautiful on the outside, she is also beautiful on the inside.  

Tonight, I will go to bed humbled.  Some of these lessons on following hard after Jesus are difficult.  But I pray that He will continue to invest in me...molding me...and showing me grace.  There is so much I need to know.

Scripture says it best, "

If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.  1 Corinthians 13:2