Brokenness

I used to sing the words to a song in church that went like this:  "Brokenness, brokenness is what I long for...brokenness is what I need.  Brokenness, brokenness is what you want from me.... So take my heart and form it.  Take my mind...transform it.  Take my will and conform it...to yours, to yours, Oh Lord."

I sang this without a thought to what this really meant.  Today I am broken.  I carry brokenness in the marrow of my bones.  This has been a long and painful week in our pursuit of adoption. My heart is broken, my plans are broken and my faith has been broken too. 

On Monday afternoon, we became a possible family for a newborn in this area.  This was completely out of the blue and not something we were expecting.  As the story unfolded, it became so obvious that God was weaving a story of redemption and grace.  Everything about this situation has been an "open door".  Initially, I was floating in air contemplating the timing of this beautiful story.  Everything made sense.  The tornado, the tumor, the delays...it was all part of our story so we would be available for "her". 

But she is sick.  She is very sick.

She was exposed to things in the womb that should classify as child abuse.  We don't even really know the full extent of her challenges.  And she is premature.  But these are the things we do know.  She is beautiful!  She is loved by God and He has a plan for her life.  She is breathing on her own and she is maintaining her body temperature.  But, there are many mysteries in her tiny little body that neurology is trying to solve.  She will be in the hospital for a while.  She will have to show us what she's made of and her strength will have to grow.  She is a fighter.  She's stronger than the addictions that held her birth mom captive.

So the question is this:  If all doors are open for her adoption...what holds us back?  There are a thousand questions rolling around in our heads.  How will this affect our family?  How will this affect our kids...and our marriage?  Everyone in the world would run from this situation.  But, something has caused us to stay.  Is our role in her life to pray for her?  Or to raise her?  Are we strong enough for unknown special needs?  What keeps us on this crazy and wild path?  The heartbreak this week has almost been enough to numb my heart and make me question God's sovereignty.  I hate that her birth mom is enslaved by addictions.  I hate that a fragile newborn has to pay for something she had no part in.  And I hate that I don't know if we are strong enough to make her part of our family.  Brokenness.  God must show up in brokenness.  The only thing I am sure of is that my heart is still beating.  It beats in the evening after holding her all afternoon and I catch her newborn scent on my shirt.  When I look in the mirror and see that her eye gel has left a stain on my t-shirt, my heart beats.

So if you have called me this week and I haven't called you back, please forgive me.  And please pray for us.  pray that we make the right decision and that we follow God's plan...whatever that is.