Plan A...not so much~!

Well, Plan A would have us leaving tomorrow for China.  In the words of our agency caseworker, "Plan A is just not an option anymore."  In a sad turn of events, we found out that our daughter's civil affairs office didn't receive the information that we had been granted approval for travel.  So...we have to delay travel until after school starts here.
I'm a little conflicted.  I'm going to be honest.  The trip was coming together so fast that I felt anxious and overwhelmed with the details.  We were so busy putting everything together that I began to feel guilty about not spending enough time with the boys.  I was going to have to drop a lot of responsibilities on grandparents and miss out on getting them ready for school.
The delay means more waiting for Esther.  But, it also means more one-on-one with the kids here.  I'm hoping the delay will translate into a more relaxed exodus from our home in a few weeks.

However, looking at this reminds me that we are getting close to travel!  Look at the PINK!  and the DOLLS!!! :)

And then I start thinking about a little girl that was given a name by an official.  She is alone in the world...no family.  But then God collides the lives of the lonely and the family.  And the result is a picture of His redemption.  She has a family!  She has a name!  And not just ANY name.  Her name is Esther.  She is named after a woman in the Bible that was also an orphan.  Her namesake was grafted into a family (ummm,, the KING'S family) and God used her to save her people.  We're not royalty and we're certainly not thinking that our Esther will save the Jews.  :)  But...what does God have in store for her?  Her story will be different...but no less amazing.  Will he use her here in our town?  Or will He someday take her back to her homeland to make a difference for Him?  We have no way of knowing how her story will play out.  But we are incredibly grateful to be able to watch it unfold.  We pray daily for her heart to be open to our family.  We pray daily for her safety and health.  We pray daily that God will equip us to be her parents.  And we pray daily that He will guide us through the next few weeks.

She has a name...lovingly chosen!!!

And she has a room! :)

MY WATER BROKE!!...i think

I couldn't have planned for yesterday to be any more amazing than it was!  My parents were in town and we met my brother and sis-in-law for lunch.  As we were sitting and stuffing onion blossom into our mouths with true abandon, my mom asked me about travel approval. "It is probably too soon to expect it", I said.  "I mean, everything has taken so long in this process.  Since I haven't heard from them yet today, it probably won't come until maybe next week."
As we were finishing up the meal, D-Dog was playing with my phone and he handed it to me.  "You're getting a call, mom."  he said.  As I accepted the phone, my eyes landed on the caller id.  It was the area code of our agency.  Could it be???  So soon???
Our agency confirmed that our TA (travel approval) had arrived in the office and we could now request a consulate appointment.  Unfortunately, in order to get back in time for hubby's work deadline, we have to return by Aug. 12.  So, that means our travel could happen VERY quickly...or be delayed until after his deadline passes.  We are pursuing the "very quickly" route right now.  Our agency has requested consulate dates for Aug. 6-9.  We'll know by Monday morning if we have a confirmed appointment for that week.  If that happens, we will leave next week.  We have so much to do.  I just printed and filled out medical consent forms for our families and we are working through the travel arrangements.  Please continue to pray for this journey.  We trust that God has every detail covered.  And we know He is good.  We just want Him present in EVERYTHING.
Thank you to all of our amazing friends and family. We can't wait to share this next part of the journey with you.  We know exactly how blessed we are to have each of you in our lives!  God has blessed us greatly.  Our hope is that others will see this story and it would prompt them to jump off a cliff and into the faithful arms of God.  Even in the stuff we don't understand, He is there.  Even when it is too dark to see, He is there.  Even in the moments when our minds are spinning and we're freaking out because we are about to change our family forever...He is there!
God has known Esther since her body began to be formed in her mama's body.  I am humbled to think that God's plan for Essie's life includes our family.  It includes YOU.  I, for one, can't wait to see this story unfold!!!
Love you, friends!

One way ticket to Crazyville!

I'm finally going to admit it publicly.  I am LOSING it!  My mind has turned to mush and I can't concentrate on anything.  I've spent so much time on documents, paperwork, timelines, and book reports that I can't seem to focus on anything that isn't adoption related.  We are currently waiting on travel approval.  In about two weeks, we will receive a document that invites us to travel to China and get Esther.  Now, because of the 50,000 details that will need to be ironed out for travel, we won't be able to leave immediately.  More than likely, we'll have to wait to travel until after the first day of school.  So we're looking at gotcha day somewhere around mid-late August.
I feel like I'm in a weird place.  Today, I was cleaning out my closet to donate some clothing for another adoption yard sale and I started thinking through..."what will I wear while we travel?"  I don't want to have to drag around several suitcases...so I have to pack smart.  And those that know me well, will know that this alone, will be a difficult feat.  My dear friend, Kerri, will remember my diaper bags of the past...bursting at the seams...packed with everything necessary to survive in the wild for a year on any continent.  And that was just for an afternoon outing!  I have the tendency to over prepare.

Travel seems so close, but so far away.  And the waiting isn't getting any easier!  Instead, I am over-thinking everything.  I am about to commit a lifetime of love and protection to someone I've never even met.  I know next to NOTHING about this child.  She is a stranger to me.  In her almost two years of life, I've received four pictures of her.  That completely freaks me out!  What if she's awful?  What if she cries all the time?  What if she plays with matches?  What if she never sleeps?  What if she hates us?  What if I'm a terrible mom for a daughter?  I mean, I talk about boogers, and I think farts are funny.      I can build a lego castle that would make you jealous.  But I have no idea what to do with dolls?

Should we have adopted a boy?
Should we have adopted at all?
Is everything going to change?
Will my other kids pay the price?
(insert screaming into pillow here)

I know that this time of year is always challenging.  All the boys are home and the fights outnumber the hours in the day.  My nerves might be slightly challenged right now.  I've got one with major attitude about responsibility.  I've got another one that is either feeling sick or injured most of the day.  I've got one that tries to sleep with me every night and another one that wants me to be his own personal NFL coach.

You know what I feel like doing right now?  Sitting down with two dozen chocolate chip cookies, a gallon of milk and the remaining 70 episodes of "Army Wives" on netflix.  I want to close off the world for a little bit...or at least take a nap and forget.

So yeah...sorry this isn't very cheery!  I don't have any words of inspiration.  I'm pretty empty right now.  I am a mess of emotions lately and I'm feeling terrible about it!  So, if you have scheduled time to hang with me...feel free to bow out gracefully.  LOL  I know I'm crazy!  Or...when you see me.  Just give me a hug and tell me it will be okay.  Tell me that God knows what He's doing and that it is all going to work out.  You and I will both know that you have NO way of actually knowing that...but it will show me that your love for me is unconditional.  'Cause I need you more now than ever before!  Thank you to the people that lovingly stand beside me on this roller coaster!  You know who you are!  'Cause if you look around, you'll find that you're sitting next to me on the crazy train.  And I'll be so grateful to have you there! :)

Painfully Honest

Quote taken from the book I am currently reading:
"I wake to self-hatred.  To the wrestle to get it all done, the relentless anxiety that I am failing.  Always, the failing.  I yell at children, fester with bitterness, forget doctor appointments, lose library books, live selfishly, skip prayer, complain, go to bed too late, neglect cleaning the toilets.  I live tired.  Afraid.  Anxious.  Weary.  Years, I feel it in the veins, the pulsing of ruptured hopes.  Would I ever be enough? But this morning, I wake wildly wanting to live!"

I have a confession!  And it just might rock you a little! :)  I have grown to love the accolades from people.  When someone says I'm great...or that I'm an inspiration, or that I'm AMAZING...I could eat that up like chocolate.  I want to be great.  I want to inspire.  I want to be amazing.  But, I don't think I am that person.

I am flawed.

I worry a lot.  Sometimes I get frustrated because my husband works so much and goes to school so much and never has time for backyard barbecues.  Why don't we have barbecues?  I worry that I'm not a good mom because I don't always remember the chore charts.  And I don't always have a plan for the day.  And when the doctor asks at the yearly check-up if my kids watch less than 2 hours of TV a day, I just shrug and smile sheepishly...

My house is dusty and there is hair all over my bathroom floor.   I am terrible at making a menu and shopping ahead of time.

I am adopting an orphan in a few weeks and I feel bi-polar.  I'm 50% wetting my pants with excitement and 50% pooping my pants with fear!  What if I'm too tired for 5 kids.  What if God gave me all boys because He knew I would fail with a daughter.

Sometimes I doubt my worth because I'm an at-home mom and not working.  I so desperately want to be confident about what I do.  I struggle with jealousy.  I will smile and say CONGRATULATIONS on your good fortune.  But, I will secretly wish the success was mine.

I struggle to read my Bible every day.

I miss my husband.  I haven't spent real time with him in weeks. :(

And yet...........

God sustains my marriage.  He paints an intricate portrait of the depth of the relationship between God and Man.  Jesus and His bride.  I see the struggles and the resolve in my own marriage.  I am the struggle...Jesus is the resolve.  God gives me moments of pure beauty with my children.  He pulls back the curtains and lets me view the relationship He wants with His children.  I see patience.  I see discipline.  I see free-will.  I see forgiveness.  I see imperfection and acceptance.  And like scales being removed from the eyes, the worldy possessions are pushed aside and I see human suffering.  I see children that don't have health care or food to eat.  I see people locked in sin and bad situations.  Compassion compels me to act.  A house that used to shelter six people, will now shelter seven.  Money that could sit in the pockets of friends, will now pay the ransom for an orphan's freedom.  I see goodness all around me.  I see grace.

I will never be perfect.  I will never deserve accolades.  I am flawed.  But the overwhelming distinction is that I am HIS.  He will make beautiful things of my life even though I am filled with self-doubt.  Because I am HIS.  And I understand the truth.  On my own, I will never be enough.  But my life will make a difference because I AM HIS.

*The book I'm reading is "One Thousand Gifts" Written by Ann Voskamp.  It was a gift from a very dear friend named Tami Daugherty.  I am extremely grateful for her friendship!

Bigstuf Blessing!

Can you say BLESSING!!!

This day has held so many surprises!  I don't even know what to say!  I know...me...speechless!  Hard to believe.  The day started with an email from our caseworker sharing a new update about Essie.  She is getting so big.  And she looks like she is so full of energy..."Lord, help me!"  And I'm more than a little concerned about the jeans she's wearing.  Do they teach kids how to throw gang signs on their pants these days?  What in the world is happening there?  

This evening, I got a text from US immigration that our paperwork was received and it is being sent on to the appropriate people.  Yay!!!  We're so close now!

And tonight, I got the biggest surprise yet.  Some of you know, some of you don't.  But at our church, I work with the youth.  Specifically, I work with Freshman girls.  These are some of the most amazing girls in the world.  I can't believe I get the honor of knowing them!  They have the ability to make me feel so young...and so old!  lol

Right now, they (along with several wonderful leaders from our church) are out of State at a huge youth conference.  My phone rang tonight after dinner and I didn't make it in time.  A voicemail popped up and the gentleman said, "Hey...I'm going to call you back in a couple of minutes.  Pick up!  It is important."  So, when he dialed back, I picked it up.  Turns out, it was the creator of the camp/emcee calling.  Long story short, one of the leaders and several of my youth girls had written a letter about my family and our crazy year in response to a prompt from the main leader.  I guess they make calls like this every year.  The difference is that this year, they called us!  My dear friend was on stage and she had shared with him our story of the tornado and adoption...and most importantly of the amazing God that owns our hearts.  

Not only did they call to encourage us, but they took up an offering for our adoption and the people there raised over $2,000 for Esther!!!!!  I know!  Crazy, right?  And to make it even more amazing, they sent us some wonderful gifts from the conference!  Super great timing since we revisited our expenses and realized we were off in our calculations by about 2,000 dollars.  Apparently, even if you have a child fly on your lap...they still get charged almost $1,000 just for the pleasure of being on the plane.  Again, we just trusted God to be faithful with the finances!

The other day, I was brave and I looked back at a couple of older blog posts.  One of them was from right after the tornado.  There were a couple of months that felt like such a struggle!  My faith was rocked and challenged.  I wrote a post about "wrestling".  The scripture was about Jacob wrestling with God and not giving up until God had blessed him.  I felt deep in the middle of a wrestling match then.  All I saw was the pain.  And the weight of my struggle was heavier than I could lift.  I questioned God on everything!  I asked Him WHY He would let a tornado hit our home.  I asked Him why my kids had to be traumatized.  And you can bet your butt I asked Him why He would call us into an adoption and then do everything possible to keep it from happening.  Yes.  I was angry.  And I was honest!  I may have felt a little prideful.  :(  I believed that if God asked something of me and I said, "yes", that it would work out the way I had planned...in my timing!  But, that is not how He works.  I know that now.  He could have allowed a really boring story to be written.  But He didn't.  Because He knew that His ultimate goal was for people to see His love and His faithfulness!  He wanted to strip a family of everything so they had no choice but to cling to Him.  He wanted others to see this brokenness and to get involved in the story so they could see God's love.  He knew that He would bring others into this story of adoption and make them part of something so much bigger than themselves.  He knew that He would show up at a youth conference on June 6, 2012 and receive glory for His faithfulness in front of 1500 people....because of what He had done in our family.

This is why I'll never be able to fully comprehend the awesomeness of God!  I have learned something from Jacob's wrestling match.  When I blogged about it over a year ago, I was in the middle of the wrestling match.  Today, I am enjoying the blessing.  If there is one lesson that I hope to retain from this portion of my life, it is this.

OK, two things! :)

1.  God's glory will sometimes require my discomfort.

2.  God is faithful.  If we are obedient, He will take us on a journey that will leave us amazed and changed!

To close out, I have to say a HUGE thank you to everyone that helped out in some way for our trivia night fundraiser!  We raised over $4,000 and we had a TON of fun doing it!  My heart is still overflowing with gratefulness for the generous and wonderful people God has placed in our lives!  Here is a picture of the FABULOUSLY FULL room!  All of these people (as well as so many others) are part of Essie's story!!

I certainly don't feel worthy of being part of such an awesome story.  But I am forever grateful that God is letting me go on this journey!  :)  

Goodnight, All!!! 

LOA!!! and pure joy!

Want to see what pure joy looks like?

This is the fedex envelope containing Esther's LOA.  After all of the paperwork, signatures, fingerprinting, home visits, certifying, authenticating, mailing etc...
This is what it all comes down to!  This letter is the official letter from China saying that Esther is OURS! :)
The saddest statement on the document,
Identity:  institutionalized child whose birth parents cannot be ascertained.
The happiest statement on the document,
Decision of Adopter:  We ACCEPT the adoptee mentioned above!


She can kick "orphan" to the curb!  She is ours!  She is already loved!


So...what happens next?  We breathe!  We've already submitted paperwork for the next step of the process and we hope to be holding our sweet girl in about 8 weeks!!!!!  AHHHHHHH!  So excited that we can barely sleep around here.  


Hang on, Essie!!!  Your family is coming very soon!

The Story of ONE...

Have you ever considered how incredibly loved you are?

Ponder this:

Thirty-some years ago, a baby girl was born.  Three days into her life, she stopped breathing.  Miraculously, a nurse walked past and found her lifeless body and flew into action.  The baby's mother was told that her child would probably not make it.  That mother, relying completely on strength from her Lord, prayed and gave that child over to God.  She prayed harder than she's ever prayed and gave her firstborn completely to Jesus.  His Will...not hers!
The story took a surprising and wonderful turn.  The baby girl was healed and eventually was sent home with her family.  She grew up in a loving home and was taught from a very young age that God was the author of her life and that He had great plans for her.  She knew from very early on that she belonged to the Lord and He had her life in His hands.

Fast forward many years and add a husband, four beautiful boys and a heart for adoption.  (yep, that baby was me) :)

In October 2010, while God was moving mountains (aka my husband's heart) a tiny little girl was born in China.  I will never know the circumstances of her birth.  I will never know what her first moments were like.  But I do know that on November 4th 2010, she was abandoned in a shed.  And that is where her story begins.

Knowing this little girl, because He created her, God was already working out a plan for her life.  She has spina bifida.  Her tiny little back was in serious need of surgical intervention.  She was rescued from her place of abandonment, operated on, and placed in an orphanage.

Two stories, independent, but about to merge!

God walked a family through the mountains of paperwork, background checks, fingerprinting, appointments etc...He saw them through the destruction of their home after a tornado.  He rebuilt their lives, guided them on the path of rebuilding and kept the light burning bright for this ONE orphan.

Throughout this journey, I have often times forgotten the purpose.  I've been selfish and thought that it was about me.  And in a small way, it has been about me.  It has been about my growth, and refinement.  But, all along, it has been mostly about HER!  God loves her so much that he would leave the 99 to pursue just ONE!  Just Her!  When I think back on all the ways that God has orchestrated the events to bring her to this family...this town...this community, I am overwhelmed at His goodness.
We don't deserve His love!  We don't deserve His faithfulness, but it is ours!

God has orchestrated the events of your life.  He has done it because he cares so much about YOU!  He moves mountains for you.  He increases the resolve of those around you...so they can love you to Jesus!  This is my plea.  If you learn nothing else through our pursuit of Esther, please learn that you are loved so completely by the creator of the universe!  He would drop everything just to be with you.

My praise and adoration goes out to the God that saved my life as a baby and brought me to this moment of seeing His redemption play out in such a beautiful way.  God, you have my life!  I will follow you to the ends of the earth!