A new day...

You know how the people in prison mark off the days by scratching a line in the wall?  Oh really?  You've never been to prison? :)

I feel like last night was the first in what will probably be many marks on the wall.  I'm not marking off days...I'm marking off storms.  Last night dissolved into mayhem for us.  As I'm sure it did for you.  Only in our case, three of the kids huddled around a video game.  One sat clinging to his beloved "Wolfie" (the replacement one) crying and asking if we were going to die.  As any good mother, I sat on the floor with him crying and asking if we were going to die.  Es, sensing our anxiety, just sat quietly on my lap.  And Hubby went around grabbing shoes, food, water bottles, flashlights, and turning off gas and water to the house.  See how we roll in an emergency?  I'm Henny Penny.  And Hubby is Superman!

Obviously, if you watched channel 4, you know that we averted a major disaster.  Their coverage, while riveting, was ridiculous.  The radar looked like a meteor was headed for us and our town was at the epicenter.  In fact, they actually said, epicenter.  And two minutes out, the lion turned into a kitten and we were all spared.  Folks to the northwest of us were not so lucky.  I have prayed for them and their physical and emotional health today.

So, today dawned much colder and less anxiety-ridden than yesterday.  It was business as usual.  Make breakfast, make lunches, send kids to school, bathe Es, dr. appointment, bills to pay, rocks to spraypaint gold, dog to find, dog to bathe, dog to run over with my car, love.  etc...

And I am left processing my reaction to yesterday.  Maybe I really do need to get some counseling.  Or maybe I need some drugs for stormy days.  Or maybe I should stay away from social media when it rains.  I don't know. :(  All I know is this.  I am grateful for you, my friends.  I am thankful for the prayers, hugs, and love.  I am especially thankful for the laughs...intentional and otherwise.  I promise not to mention names.  But, an especially funny thing happened while we were in the basement waiting for armageddon to hit.  A young man that I serve with at church sent a very sweet text of encouragement.  He has shown his thoughtfulness on more than one occasion as far as my family is concerned.  But, in his text, he was writing about the awesomeness of God.  He declared that God is so powerful.  And the next line said, "God is a BREAST!"  Immediately, I got another text that said, "a beast...God is a BEAST!"  stupid autocorrect!  But, it was too late for my twisted humor.  God is a breast.  Yep....Those are the words that kept my feet on the ground last night.

And for the record...no disrespect intended for God.  He is precious to me.  And He is the one that holds me together when the world falls apart.  But, I like to believe that since He gave me a sense of humor, he would want me to use it in the middle of my storm.

Love you all!

That time of year...

Yes.  This is weather related.

No.  You don't have to read it.

I'm really struggling today.  Anxiety is high.  I already know that I don't need to be afraid.  I have God's word hidden in my heart.  And I know all the things I should be saying and feeling.  But, my brain isn't cooperating with the logic.  A friend mentioned PTSD after my last blog.  PTSD?  "Ain't nobody got time for that!"  She's probably right.  And no.  I'm not dealing with it.  I wanted to keep my kids home from school today.  I didn't.  I drove past the Culver's sign today and I swear I saw "Grilled Cheese and TORNADO soup.  ummm, maybe it said tomato.

The problem is:

When I see this:

It reminds me of this:

And then I think about this:

Troy, Illinois - EF2 Tornado

A National Weather Service Storm Survey Team investigated storm damage in Troy in Madison County, Illinois from the storms that occurred on February 27th. It was determined that a tornado touched down on Weathervane Road on the west side of town at approximately 11:45 PM. It was there that the tornado was at its strongest, an EF2, as it completely removed the roof from a well constructed home. One occupant received a serious head laceration and was treated at a local hospital. The tornado moved eastward at 60 mph, with a damage wath of 100 to 200 yards wide. The tornado continued to near the intersection of North Dewey Street and East Clay Street, where it lifted at approximately 11:48 PM. The path length was 2.5 miles long.

Which takes me back to this:

So, sorry for the melodrama.  :(  But that day defines me a little.  Even though the scars have healed and I now look like this:

Stay with me, friends.  I need you today.

Some Nights...

It stormed tonight.

B had a panic attack.

It broke my heart.

The timing worked out so that we were driving home in the storm tonight.  He was such a carefree guy only an hour before.  But, as soon as the lightening, rain, and thunder hit...he was a mess.

He asked me about "wolfie"  his stuffed animal that disappeared during the tornado.  It was his favorite stuffed animal.  He asked if I thought it was still out in the woods somewhere...or if it had disintegrated.

This was his room after it had been "cleaned up".  Immediately after the tornado, there was drywall blocking the door and sharp 2x4s had stabbed the bed where B had been sleeping.  I don't have the heart to tell him that "Wolfie" was found by my dad.  He had been stabbed by a sharp splintered 2x4 and the stuffing was gone.  My dad threw wolfie away.

This is how my babies looked in the days after the tornado:

And when it storms, they become the same frightened children that beg to sleep in my bed.

That's my spot...in the middle.  They both fell asleep tonight with their feet on my legs.  But, not until we had a long conversation about what we would do in the event of a fire. :(  (danger is real to them)
"How will we get out?"  asked D-Dog.  "Remember our plan?"  I asked.  "Yeah...but where will we live?"  He inquired.

And the weight of being a parent hit me square between the eyes.  They need reassurance.  They need to know that it will all be okay.  But when they ask if we will have a fire...what do I say?  When they ask if we'll have another tornado, what do I say?  The only answer I can honestly give is this:  If it happens, we will get through it.  We have each other and we have God.  Today, we sang a song in church.  "Never Once"  The lyrics are:  "Never Once did we ever walk alone.  Never once did you leave us on our own.  You are faithful...God, you are faithful."  As I look at our family and what we've walked through together...and as I look at my sweet daughter and think of what we walked through to adopt her...I know these words are true.  God is faithful.  And we NEVER walk alone.

Her place in the family

I walked around the kitchen corner yesterday into the dining room and stopped in my tracks.  Es was standing in front of the buffet table staring at a picture in a frame.  As soon as she saw me, she looked up at me with a puzzled expression and pointed to the picture.  It occurred to me that she was looking at a photo we took when D-Dog was a newborn.

Thanks for not saying out loud, "Wow, she was thinner after having a baby than she is now!"  :)

I am so thankful that God allows me to see underneath the surface of some moments.  Believe me...I don't catch nearly all of them.  But, I love it when He points out to me that there is more happening in this moment than just a child looking at a photo.

She was looking for HERSELF in the picture.  She saw her mama and baba and her slightly younger brothers and she was looking for herself.  She pointed and asked me, "Where Es?"  I did my best to explain to her that she wasn't born yet.  She was just a dream in mama's heart.  But she didn't understand.  She kept pointing to baby D and insisting that it was her.

Did you catch that?

SHE KNOWS SHE BELONGS HERE!  WE ARE HER FAMILY!  Yes, I'm screaming :)  It is so monumental in her bonding!

My eyes filled up with tears and I just grabbed her and hugged her tight.

She was an orphan...left in a dirty world to fend for herself in a box, next to a field.  And now...she is a prized and secure member of our family.  That is miraculous.  That is redemption!

A scripture verse that God has put on my heart this week is this:
Romans 5:8
But God demonstrated His great love for us in this:  While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

This hit me in the gut.  We were ALL sinners.  None of us belonged to a family of hope...of love...of grace.  But because of Christ, we can.

When I look at the figurative picture of what Christ did for me...The family he died to make me part of...  I know I belong.  It feels amazing.  But I know I have beautiful loving friends that see the picture and don't really know if they belong.  They are good, compassionate people...but doubt lives in their hearts.  What does it mean to live for Christ?  Do I have to become some weird Bible toting freak show?  Will I lose all my friends?  Do I have to stop dating, drinking, blah blah blah...

Friends....God demonstrated HIS great love for us!  That's the part we miss.  He meets us where we are.  We don't have to become perfect to FIT into the family picture.  He will gladly take us broken and dirty.  He will lovingly clean us up and show us what life can really look like.

If you don't have a church home, I implore you...please join me at our church this weekend.  I'll post the info to my fb page.   I'm singing this weekend...so I'll be there for all four services.  If you tell me you're coming..I'll sit by ya...feed you M&M's while Paul teaches, and draw hearts on your program.  I'm totally willing to sit in ALL four services if I have people in my life to sit with.  We can totally sit in the back, hiding behind a big hat and you can escape immediately after the service.

The truth is this.  I love you.  If you are in my life (and even if I haven't met you yet)  I love you.  Because of God's great love for us, I love you.  I want to be sitting next to you (or on your lap) in the FAMILY picture! :)  So, come join me!!!  :)

Let's do EASTER together this year!
What do ya say???

Toy Store

I'm going to do it!  I'm going to write about the "Save the Toy Store" campaign.

See, I have friends uttering statements on both sides of the fundraising fence.  And it seems like the friends asking, "Why?"  keep getting lambasted.  So, I wanted to come here and sort it out...according to my slightly strange take on things.

In a town where Walmart is expanding while Sam's Club is being erected, little homegrown shops are being put out of business.  Not sure why that large rat on 159 isn't setting things right.

We all long for simple.  We all long for the good guy to win.  We all desperately want to be part of something bigger than ourselves.  I can completely understand why this story has drawn attention.  I can also understand why people would donate at a rate of $1000/hour to save this business.  We live in an age where we feel like our freedoms are hanging by a thread and we're tired of politics.  When we have the opportunity to jump in and save the "little guy" we leap with both feet.  They are, after all, one of us.  The small business owner against the shady bank.

But, I also understand why this is inciting opposite feelings for others.  While it is a very noble cause.  It isn't saving lives.  We live in a world of excess.  We have too much food, too much space, too many freedoms, and too many toys.  It is easy to forget that while we are throwing money at a toy store campaign, there are children dying of disease because they lack clean water.  There are orphans languishing in orphanages because we "don't have enough money to adopt them."  People are homeless, for goodness sake!

So where do I stand?

I'll tell you what.  If you start a facebook campaign to raise money for me and let me choose where to send it...it will go to "the least of these" every time.  There are no Biblical calls to save businesses.  Even though it is extremely sad to let go of something special.  But, there are clear Biblical directives about caring for widows and orphans.  And I think this is why people are struggling so much with this situation.

Here is where I stand.  When all the orphans are in families.  And when all the foster children in the US are safely "HOME"  I will happily engage in causes such as this.  Until then, I'm going to have to direct all of my extra resources to campaigns that save lives.

But, I have mad love for every good heart out there that doesn't agree with me.

That's the beauty of life.  We can disagree and still love each other.

Perceptions

I was having a conversation with a group of people over the weekend about big families.  I commented that I would happily add to our family through adoption again at some point.  And a comment was made to me that hit me in a funny way.  This particular person doesn't have children, isn't married, and probably hasn't even thought about family yet.  But, he (yes, he) said to me, "Maybe you should just be grateful for what you have."

I have to admit, I recoiled a little on the inside.  Then, I felt ready to strike.  I'm not talking about a beanie baby collection.  I'm talking about real people.  I'm not even talking about pregnancy.  I'm talking about souls that already exist.  And then the insinuation that I'm not grateful for my children made me feel like I needed to defend myself.  

I understand that there are crazy people in the world with big families that build them to fulfill a need in their own hearts. 

That's not me.  

Caring for children is God's calling on my life.  I am sure of it.  Nothing energizes me like it.  Nothing challenges me and grows me spiritually like being a mom.   And my heart is especially tender toward little ones without a mom.  

I realize that this is not everyone's calling.  There are many wonderful things that I see people engaged in, that I could never do.  When Es was in the hospital,  I was constantly in awe of her health care providers and the ease at which they did their job.  At one point, I thought...I should totally be a nurse!  And then Es threw up all over herself and her bed.  And I thought...I should NEVER be a nurse!  But I am super grateful for the people that God calls to be doctors and nurses.  I could go on and on with different skills and abilities that I admire in others.  But for me...caring for kids is where I land...every time.

I know each of my children to their very core.  Did you know that each child has a unique smell?  I know their moods, their likes and dislikes.  I know what makes them afraid, and what builds them up.  I see them as amazing individuals.  And I have a completely unique relationship with each of them.  They are not a collection.  They are my family.  

And as long as there are children without families, my heart will always hurt for them.  I may not be able to add them to my "herd"  But, I will advocate and drive people crazy about them.  

Because the bottom line is this:  The only thing we get to take with us to heaven are the people we connect with.  The houses, cars, money, belongings...will all rot away.  And if I can fit one more of "the least of these" into my van on the way to Jesus...I will!  And I'll be grateful...for all of them. 

Life

Good Morning!  This is how we're rockin' it today.  We are in our pajamas, wearing super cool glasses and neither of us are wearing make-up!  :)  Please try NOT to be jealous of our morning hair.  Some people are born with it.  We have no control over our awesomeness!  bahahahaha!

Obviously, Es pulls off the morning look better than I do.

Why am I on here this morning?  Today, my heart is centered on the frailty of life.  This sweet baby girl is in my arms, but there are thousands more still waiting for families.

I keep emailing a file of a little China baby to my husband's work account.  He still says "NO!"  I even changed our screen saver to her picture...no cigar!  So, it looks like you all will have to step up and adopt her! :)

This morning, I sent five of my beautiful family members out the door.  Releasing them into God's care...I am aware that they are a gift.  I am careful with the words I say as they leave.  Because I know that we are not given guarantees.  Life is fragile.  We need to be careful with the ones we love.  This world has taught me that.  God has taught me that what we do with every minute we are given COUNTS!  So, what will you do with this day?  What impact will you make?  Will you be careful with your words?  Will you be careful with the people you love?  I pray that God will make me a gracious person today.  I pray that love will OOOOOZE out of my heart!

Have a beautiful Friday, everyone!