January

I remember standing on the beach in Florida last spring. We had left behind the bitter cold of our home in the midwest for a week-long retreat with the kids.  It was only March, but it had already been a long, cold, snowy winter.  With each mile south we drove, I could feel myself come alive.  It was almost like peeling off the layers of my hibernation.  I will never forget the feeling of the soft sand sneaking between my toes.  If I close my eyes, I can feel the sun warming my skin as I inhale the salty breeze.  Everything came alive.  My whole body shivered and the world was full of possibility.  I loved my husband more, I loved my kids more, and I was ready to tackle my unorganized house and crazy busy life. Shortly after we returned home, the midwestern air lost its chill.  Neighbors emerged from their heated homes, and league games started again.  We started taking walks on the trail, and the sun stayed out to play longer each day.  Life was still busy, and I never really organized the house.  But the feeling of excitement and possibility remained.

Sometimes I wonder if I would have truly had such an intense experience on the beach if I hadn't just come out of winter.  In my mind, there is nothing redeeming about winter...especially January!  Christmas is over, lights are gone, and there is darkness...and cold...and dry skin...and exhaustion.

If you were at the middle school basketball game last night, you had the privilege of seeing my daughter throw an unprecedented fit.  She wanted diet coke.  We don't give her diet coke.  This denial, combined with her own brand of tired, was enough to help her come unhinged.  I'm not talking about a few tears.  This child was rhythmically beating me up with her little four year old arms.  I was on my own with three other children while my husband went to pick up the fifth child from an event.  As I sat there praying for the grace of Jesus to fill me up during my beat down, I mentally cried out, "I AM DONE!!!!!"  "I quit!  This is too hard!  It will never get better."

Friends, it is JANUARY in my soul.  And I've been homies with Jesus long enough to know what Jesus on the beach feels like.  I've had the mountaintop.  But this is the blizzard in the valley.  I can't see what direction I'm moving even though I'm CLUTCHING my compass.  I have the passion.  I'm practically wearing my swim suit and flip flops.  But have you ever tried to wear flip flops in the snow? It does not work.  I know Jesus is saying, "Put on your boots, girl...you have to hike through the dirty snow to get to the beach." But I've never been good at gritting my teeth through the pain.

I heard an amazing lesson at our youth group meeting Sunday night.  It was about Moses.  It chronicled God's calling of Moses to free the Israelites.  You know what stuck out to me?  Moses was kind of a freak!  He really isn't all that heroic at the outset. He had the voice of God giving him a directive and he had the audacity to even question what he would say to Pharaoh when asked who sent him.  And yet...this crazy guy made it into Hebrews 11 and the "hall of faith." Verse 27 reads, "by faith, he persevered because he saw HIM who is invisible."

January is our life on earth.  It is a hot mess of everything.  My heart is broken over things like homelessness, orphans, slaves to sex trade, and people that haven't met Jesus.  And like Moses, I will not always get the calling right.  But I pray...I seriously PRAY...that when I make it to my sweet eternal summer, Jesus will say to me, "by faith YOU persevered because you saw HIM who is invisible."

Even when we can't see him, He is with us.  And His power is made perfect in our january weakness, because His grace is sufficient for us.  (2 corinthians 12:9)